Undyne Vs. Flowey (chara) IC fight

[Marisa Kirisame]

Since Undyne is close to meeting Flowey. I would like to get the fight up and ready.

Word limit: 1000
Time limit: five days.  (can be extended if need be)
Area of fight: tier three, Coruscant and besides that it is to be decided.
random events: no
Judge: Weiss Schnee


You ok with these rules?

[Undyne]

Looks good with me! Any preference regarding the max. length of the posts? I'd say 700 to 1000 at most, but I'm happy to do anything that's sensible for the both of us.

As for the area, I would prefer an area slightly away from the main streets to justify that no Stormtroopers appear, nor have found Flowey yet. Since Undyne tracks Flowey down I'm happy to have it happen wherever you decide it to be though.

Let me know when Dark Data clears up for you enough that you can comfortably start the fight. I don't mind waiting a while

[Marisa Kirisame]

I can start the fight now if you want

[Amaterasu]

I can start the fight now if you want

Go ahead!

(also, is anyone who's reading this willing to judge?)

[Undyne]

Links for personal reference:
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=8109 (Fight thread)
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...8#pid74688 (Flowey NPC Roster)

[Marisa Kirisame]

I just did round 1 post 2 ammys turn and the agreed maximum word limit is 1000

[Amaterasu]

I just did round 1 post 2 ammys turn and the agreed maximum word limit is 1000

I updated the OP to include the 1000 word rule, for easy access. Everything should be good now :yay:
Good post, also!

[Weiss Schnee]

I'm willing to judge this, I s'pose.

[Marisa Kirisame]

I just did round 1 post 2 ammys turn and the agreed maximum word limit is 1000

I updated the OP to include the 1000 word rule, for easy access. Everything should be good now :yay:
Good post, also!

Thanks

[Marisa Kirisame]

Can we postpone the fight for eleven days as I wont be able to get most likely internet, nor a good device to write it on.

[Undyne]

:woah: That's fine. Let me know when you're back, then.

[Undyne]

I'm willing to judge this, I s'pose.

Added you to the OP. Thank you :yay:

Another note: I want to use my Power-Up in the fight, for story-related purposes. Since Flowey has no SP-using moves and I don't want the fight to be unfair, please don't give me any bonuses for SP usage. I'll still write my SP used down for clarity, though. Thanks

[Marisa Kirisame]

back and ready to give this fight one last hurrah!

[Undyne]

The fight is ready to be judged!

Although in hindsight I realize that our focus definitely wasn't on the battle, but on the interaction between the characters... maybe too much? I wonder what Weiss will think of it.

[Marisa Kirisame]

I personally enjoyed the interactions of the two characters.

[Cirno]

freaking bump

[Sarah Kerrigan]

sorry, I totally missed the post claiming this completed! I'll get this judged in the next few days.

[Weiss Schnee]

Sorry for this taking so long guys, here is your fight judgement, in piece by piece format. The actual points aren’t included with the long-form categories, in order to keep suspense ‘till the end, but if you want to skip to the final score, just go straight to the last spoiler. Tried to give as much creative advice as I could, use it as you will. Sorry for the wait, and hope you’re alright with my judging.
 
 
 
 
 
Chara/Flowey:

[spoiler]
Description and clarity:
So, before I get into flaws: You have gotten a lot better with time since the last time we’ve written together. There’s been a fair amount of improvement, so I congratulate you.
However, I found a lot of the description fairly bland and boring in this battle. Flowey’s movements and attacks are not described in the most fun of fashions, and I didn’t get a lot of clear pictures. Even those I did get:

The creature shows a green soul that has about half of the green soul empty (think of the soul like a container with the insides of it being like water).

 
Many felt like this even if they weren’t this literal. With description, you can do a lot to suck a reader into a story. You did get better at adding more motion to your writing, but you need to put some work into making it feel real to those reading it, not just making sure they know what’s going on. You’ve already made some improvements here, though, so I’m sure you can continue to do so as you keep writing.
 
 
Characterization:
This one is a bit hit-and-miss. For a few moments, there are times where flowey feels properly psychopathic. There’s some definite developments, but many of them feel awkward, lacking transition. More importantly, for a fight, a lot of it is filled with exposition that doesn’t really fit the mood or even feel like it has a proper reason for being there.
 
The main issue I saw, however:
I read quite a lot of quotes that Flowey has said in the games before, or that are heavily based on things he actually states in Undertale. Those lines were very good in their original context, and I’m certainly not going to tell you never to borrow lines from your source material.
 
That said: A lot of what you need to do to breathe life in the Omniverse into your character is to bring in new material. A quote here or there that just so happens to fit is nice, but if you wish to make Flowey feel real? I need new Flowey lines, and quotes, to understand and feel your take on him: To understand his character as you do. Taking from your source material too much will just crush your ability to properly play your character, and that’s… not a good thing.
 
If you want to mix in quotes, I’d say look at what Undyne did for her “undying” transformation. A lot of that definitely takes from what she’d stated in the genocide run, but instead of directly quoting it, it is changed and re-molded to fit the being that is now fighting. It shows her evolution as a person, her new willingness to protect humans. As a result? It’s something new, and something else I can appreciate about the character. So doing that’s a good idea.
 
 
Story:

While I wasn’t that interested in the fight itself, you did manage to make it clear there was a larger body of work here that the fight was within, and while I might not have found myself that invested in the fight itself, there was a couple points I wondered what would happen after the fight concluded. I have a lot less to say on this one I haven’t already, but again, the exposition? Didn’t exactly help. On the other hand, not a bad way for Chara to pop in at the end. You’re starting to find your pace here, but you still need to put a lot of work in.

Technical:

Probably the area I believe you’ve improved in most. You need to fix a lot of your dialogue structure still, though. My advice would be to say the lines your character says aloud. Does it sound like something someone might say in natural conversation? If not, it’s probably not something that makes sense coming from a character’s mouth. Many times Flowey’s dialogue awkwardly jerked into new areas - either it didn’t make sense as the beginning of a sentence or it felt like a few sentences squished together.
 
With that said, the spelling is pretty decent, and the grammar only has a few errors. Paragraphs are decently formatted too.
[/spoiler]
 

Undyne:

[spoiler]
Description/Clarity:

For the most part, there’s not a heck of a lot I can critique here. In certain places, particularly in your earlier posts, I will say it’s a bit hard to envision the area you’re fighting, but I can’t give you a lot of pointers in this are - if there’s one thing you’ve got down, it is clarity.

Really, the lack of scale (outside of the ones on Undyne), I’d critique a bit - I clearly understand what Undyne and Flowey are doing, but The environmental effects? Not so much. It’s as though the fight could’ve happened in any old place. You also might need to work on making your fight descriptions a bit more flavorful. You get the technical aspects right, but a lot of the time they’re missing a bit of pizazz to make them feel a bit more fresh.

Characterization:
 
Very good! Of all your characters, Undyne’s probably the one where I feel the most “with her”, so to speak. Her feelings and description all worked beautifully, and I felt like I was there struggling with her a lot of the time.

If I’d critique anything, it’s that you occasionally write a lot of what’s happening to her too mechanically. I don’t want to hear so much about the “scratch damage” on Undyne, so much as whether or not those hits smart. Whether she’s shrugging them off or not. In Undyne’s reactions to things, and her own actions, I very much feel like I’m with the character, but a lot of the time, when it comes to blows, is where I feel most disconnected. I can’t feel those hits with the character. A good example:

Flowey retracted the damaged vines and produced new, intact ones and Undyne did the same with the spears she dual-wielded. Though the injuries that they both had taken heavily cut their combat efficiency restoring their stamina would allow them to fight a bit longer.

This, right here? Isn’t what a reader’s completely interested in. I want to hear how Undyne feels about these wounds, the pain she’s feeling, how it’s affecting her determination to win, and how Flowey looks to her. There’s such a thing as “show, don’t tell.”, and if you must have a comment that’s so mechanically inclined, it’s better to hear it directly in Undyne’s thoughts, rather than from an onlooking third-person perspective. Even something like “Man, I’ can’t remember the last time I was in this much pain, but looking at the flower… I bet he’s feeling the same way.”... That’s very basic, but it gets the point across, no?

Still, gold star, you did a good job with a lot of this


Story:
 
There wasn’t a large amount of extra story on Undyne’s part, but what was here was good. I loved the lead-up to the undying transformation, and a lot of Undyne’s conversations with Flowey. They showed both Undyne, and what she’s becoming as her experiences have helped her change and grow. I’m happy to see it.

Technical:
 
Not a whole lot I can say here. You made a couple grammar and spelling mistakes, but nothing major. Your fight pacing could be a little faster, but it’s far from awful either. You get a lot of points here, but occasionally you have a big squished paragraph that’s hard to read, and every once in a while, I have to question your word choice. You also have a few sentences where you add a few too many different details, some of which were already implied, that make what should be a quick sentence very hard to read. Overall, pretty good here.
 
[/spoiler]
 
Final score:

[spoiler]
Chara:
Description and Clarity: 1.5
Characterization: 1
Story: 1.5
Technical: 1.5
 
Combined score: 5.5

Undyne:
Description and clarity: 2.5
Characterization: 3
Story: 2
Technical: 2.5

Combined score: 10

The Winner is Undyne
[/spoiler]

[Undyne]

Awesome stuff, thanks for the judging Saiss! I'm definitely going to backread that a few times and compare it to my writing to try to improve for next time!

Chara, by the time you read this I should already have finished my post on Undyne. Flowey's going to have to bite the dust, unfortunately. Feel free to have Betty & Kumu interfere with Undyne's subsequent Recall though, if you want. Also: in case that I didn't say this before, Undyne's unaware that Chara put a bounty on Flowey's head and thus won't be collecting it.

The fight's been a lot of fun I'm looking forward to writing with (or against) you again sometime.

[Cirno]

Alright and I will be working on bettys introduction now.