NEO HYPER Book Club #1 (14-28 May)

[Daniel]

Welcome to the Omniverse Book Club! Here, we put up a new completed topic every fortnight to read and review. By participating you'll earn a bonus 250 OM (subject to change) and you'll be able to suggest a topic of your own for the next fortnight. Aside from the helpful feedback, subjects of the book club will receive a Great or Exemplary bonus for their storyline if they qualify. :omni:

RULES

OOC Rules of Conduct apply.

We encourage helpful, well-considered feedback with both positive and negative comments. Try to remember that not everyone is confident about their writing, and negative feedback can be highly discouraging.

Review Writing Guidelines

Reviews must be a minimum of 150 words and should include your opinion on whether the participating member(s) deserve a bonus or not, and if yes, then 'Great' or 'Exemplary', according to the Bonus Rewards Guidelines. Please don't consider this an arbitrary number to fill; this just filters out those reviews that were clearly made with no effort.

Topics may include writing from multiple members. Please try to give everyone included a decent review and individual grade.

Try to go into detail about what you liked and didn't like about an RP. Try to keep it objective and positive: it's absolutely not okay to just tear down someone else's work without saying anything good about it. The more detail the better, and the more effort you put into your reviews the more likely we are to choose one of your topics to review, as thanks for your help to other members.

Please do not skim. If we suspect people are skimming topics, we may have to be more stringent on requirements, which makes it harder on staff to enforce, and more difficult for you to write your review. If we suspect particular members are skimming, we may bar them from future participation in the book club. This is free OM, so it's in everyone's best interest to keep it that way.

As far as grading goes, please be non-partisan. If you think your friend's topic truly merits Exemplary, awesome. But if we notice people constantly doing this and we consistently disagree with the gradings, we'll weigh your opinion far less than those who tend to give accurate gradings consistent with the Bonus Rewards Guidelines.

REWARDS

Book Club rewards will be awarded at the end of each fortnight, although it might take a while to get updated. Until you see a post in this topic saying "It was updated", it's safe to say you weren't missed or forgotten; we just haven't gotten around to it yet. No need to remind us.

We will give the reward to the account you posted on, unless you request otherwise.

Those trying to become judges should note that Book Club reviews do count towards your total.

Book Club threads will run for two weeks. They will end on Sunday at 17:59pm AEST (Australian Eastern Standard Time), which is 7:59am GMT (Greenwich Mean Time) Sunday Morning. The next Book Club thread should be up by 6pm AEST (8am GMT)

Submissions

If you are submitting a thread for the Book Club review/grading please use this form after your review of the current thread. You're welcome, and encouraged to submit any completed topics or multi-topic storylines of your own that have yet to be graded and exceed 4000 words.

Code:

[url=http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=0]Link to topic - name[/url]
Total character count including spaces (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera):
Total word count (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera):
Quest or Personal Storyline?
Participating characters (please list):

And finally ....

THIS FORTNIGHT'S STORY

For the first edition of the revamped book club, we've started with a member whose work you can't go wrong with. It's our very own Archangel, Alex, with his personal storyline, Family of Steel - Man on Fire. Enjoy the read and we hope to see some interesting discussion!

7492 wds, 42,371 characters (with spaces)

[Omni]

The rules were a bit rambly so I condensed them down. Oh, and I've increased the rewards to 250.

[Gildarts]

Book club #1

Family of Steel
(Dwayne “the Rock” is definitely included)

Not sure how I feel knowing someone could get a reward, or none based on my review but I'll deal with this fact. I liked this piece a lot, it was swift and I felt like the story carried well, and left me wanting more. Great bonus seems to fit it sufficiently, my reasons being that I feel it meets the criteria as it was well thought out, has charming subtleties that I feel make a story great.

The starting off dialogue is light and bubbly, friendly and delightful. Looking at some of the wording in this thread I can see places where you’ve grown, it is not such an outstanding “before and after” but a gradual incline of more incorporation of growth in style and details. Hopefully you take that in the positive way that I mean it, as I have read a decent portion of your work on the OV here and it is filed away up in my brain somewhere and usually just remember your more recent work.

The story felt like a pleasant and swift read for me because you broke it up nicely with well-tempered spouts of witty, sassy, and tasteful dialogue which didn’t bog down the story. The narration is down to earth and also has that base layer that I feel comes off as knowing what is under every rock in the Ashen Stepps, but you don’t let on, nor make it feel as your characters do. Example: “If you travel half a day to the northeast of here, you’ll find a confluence of lava rivers. Whole rivers of free-flowing, molten rock. They display all the traits of water and have their own macroinvertebrate populations.” Particularly “a half day” it just makes sense. Locals wouldn’t necessarily tell you how many miles, because they wouldn’t likely know off the top of their head, but they do know the time it takes to get there. Subtle placement and tell of detail but I just found it was a good morsel of brilliance and it struck my not often tapped into common sense.

“The smile on Heat Man’s face melted away to reveal an expression you’d expect to see one someone’s face if you tripped them or kicked their dog” this is my new favorite line by you, to the abyss with Karl Jak! I was amused and silently laughed as I imagined it in real time and liked how you didn’t simplify the emotion in the expression to just one word.

I liked how the plot steadily grew into a climax, and wasn’t immediately obvious to the reader. I liked the incorporation of environment (personal preference) and how subtly and skillfully the threat of volcanic destruction became plot. Also that was one hell of a way Heat Man went out and it felt like it stuck to character as a choice he would make, prioritizing the “greater good” or many can survive over one sacrifice. Both times.



[spoiler]Submission for next book club: Alliances forged in blood, it’d be nice to have feedback on my own work and a collaboration at the same time. If there's anything to be improved in the department feel free to include it. To my knowledge we already received Participation bonus on this topic.

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...8#pid27668
Total character count including spaces (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera):75915
Total word count (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera):13128
Quest or Personal Storyline? Personal/prequest
Participating characters (please list):Isaac, Christa
Submitting Reason: it was fun to write with this partner [/spoiler]

[Todd Ingram]

Offical Batman Review

Alright scrubs, let's see what we got here. This time on Batman's review : Family of steel - Man on fire. Wow,  that sounds like bad superman sequel, where he gets like 6 children running wild like unguided projectile, accidentally laser beamed the neighbor on fire or something like that. But hey, it's a title, let's see what the story was about.
If you are one of those sensitive little souls that cares about spoilers and stuff, read the story before reading the reviews. READ THE STORY BEFORE THE REVIEW! I mean, what idiot would read a perfectly good review before knowing what it's about? Yeah I'm looking at you, go read and then come back.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
You finished? good! lets continue!


Overall i enjoyed the story, you don't really see where it's going until it hits you right in the face, just like it did proto man up on that volcano with the crazy Russian. But let's not go ahead too quick. First post i was like, "who are all these men? Quick man, heat man", i was waiting for Iron man to show up but i was let down. Luckily Alex is a good enough writer to know what to do with a strong support cast. Giving each of them enough background story to fit in without demanding too much of the audience. Supporting NPC's like heat man and Cell Delta got even more background which personally i enjoyed allot, it gave the characters soooo much more debt instead of just 'here's a bad guy, lets punch him in the face. ( Don't get me wrong, it usually solves my problems but still. ) So a big plus, the background of the supporting NPC!


 
The next thing that i have to point out is during hectic events like running away from a soviet cyborg while a vulcano is exploding ( i told you to read it didn't i?! ) he takes time to implement little sentances that colour the scene. Let me give you an example :

By this time, Proto Man had regained his bearings, despite the thick ash that clouded his physical vision. He took a split-second to appreciate the fact that he didn’t have to worry about ash-filled lungs stealing his breath.

Now thats good writing folks! The guy was running from his life, trying to survive, and the writer actually managed to squeeze in a nice little detail about the characters robotic bodily functions? Those are the things i like to see.


 
Which brings me to the next point. Writing as a non human its pretty hard to think what a cyborg might be going through. The struggle both Heat man and proto man have is put in the story in the best way possible, both have doubts about if what happened was good or bad. Let me rephrase that, Both had doubts about their own state of mind and if they were correct to judge others. Something a normal human would immediatly know. These cyborgs have struggles of their own, something that made me as a reader feel for the characters. ( EVEN BATMAN FEELS!) And after you feel a connection with them....Alex rips them away from you... WHYYYY ALEX WHYYYYY did Heat man have to go down like this! I really liked the guy, and you George R.R Martin'ed him..... we will have words about this later.


Last positive point i would like to add is the "bad guy" of the story, with the amount of background given to him you really start to know why the others fear him. Pointing out his accent was a nice touch, in my head i was reading it with a thick russian voice, instead of morgan freeman like i usually do. It's difficult to create a antagonist that doesn't go over the top and is still believable, but you nailed him.



But nobody is perfect, and if i stay here to stroke Alex's ego even further he will become like me. So lets point out a few things that i personally would change/ improve.


For someone unknown with the while proto-man history and characters it was a little difficult for me to get into the story, even though they got some background it took me a while to figure out who was on what side. Might be just me though but I still wanted to point it out. Things became clear the more I read.
 

Final judgement!

All in all it was a very enjoyable story, and it made me want to continue reading, thats all i want in a story, a reason to keep on going. ( with a nice plot ofcourse.) It made me look at my own writing and i found this story to be full of usefull tips, so newbies, have at it and read the damn thing!

Would Batman recommend this story to a friend: Yes!

Bonus: Batman would like to recommend this story for the exceptional bonus.


Final score: Batman gives you 8/10 Batpoints!

Off to the next Review!

[Alex]

For those who are planning to read this, the story is a direct continuation of ----

Family of Steel, a Coruscant story that introduces and provides further background to Proto Man and the other Robot Masters.

[Todd Ingram]

For those who are planning to read this, the story is a direct continuation of ----

Family of Steel, a Coruscant story that introduces and provides further background to Proto Man and the other Robot Masters.

THIS! i like this....thanks for the link! will be reading this

[Gaston]

I quite like this thread. So, as it starts out, we have the perspective of the Robot Masters. This is a good move, I feel, as it doesn't immediately put you in the shoes of the protagonist of the thread, and while one may say that it starts out confusing without reading previous threads, I feel it works without. The details in the characters mannerisms, like Bubble Man stuttering and looking to the ground, work well to give an idea on who the characters are, even without any sort of background. Referring to Proto Man as "The Prodigal" is a bit confusing initially, but it's easy to quickly catch on. The fact that you include that there is a Prime there is nice, foreshadowing that there is going to be another Prime in the thread, and lends to rereading, as you know what it meant from the beginning. Moving on, it goes to Proto Man approaching the gate. The slight bit of backstory is a nice touch, as is the bit of dialogue Proto Man has. The way there is added bits of lore, showing that Proto Man is an android is neat, as usually a character being an android would be disregarded in all realms except for abilities. I like how the clothing is described well enough to get a good idea of what Proto Man looks like in the thread but not so detailed that it takes away from the narrative. The way the character's thoughts are described without their specific internal dialogue ("The Ashen Plains was an abysmal place") allows for a good idea of what a character is feeling without actually giving a voice in their head. The way Heat Man's activities are described is a good touch, letting the reader know what other characters are doing makes it much more dynamic and interesting to read. The conversation between Proto Man and Heat Man has good subtle aggression between the characters, and the references to other threads are nice, and while a reader may not know what is being talked about, the thread doesn't rely on it too much. And the shades of grey within the morality is good, how Heat Man and Proto Man are both, in a way, in the right allows the reader to make their own decision on who is right. Meanwhile, the increasing amounts of lava bubbling from the volcano provide not just a break from the conversation, but also a nice reminder that the volcano is going to erupt. The added dilemma of whether the Robot Masters have free will like Proto Man does adds to the grey morality and is a good touch. The way Cell Delta, when he comes in, talks makes him intimidating yet mysterious, and not letting you know fully who he is adds to how frightening he is; fear comes from the unknown. I'd also like to point out that the technique names and use of alliteration in names is very nice, making it seem somewhat silly and childlike, yet not enough to take away from the seriousness of the situation. The way Proto Man postulates his theory that is very close to what we know about the Omniverse is a good touch, although I dislike the way he makes assumptions that turn out to be true (Omni has a physical form) seems a bit too convenient. Cell Delta's dialogue, in this scene, at least, is good, but I feel is too over the top, and he seems like a bit too much of a mustache-twirling villain. I quite like the way Proto Man actually has a plan, but it is foiled by Heat Man's injury. Most people, it seems, wouldn't have their character make plans like that, even if the character is meant to be logical. The way that, instead of precise measurements, approximations are used ("Leaving a baseball-sized hole") makes it easier to understand the size. The internal conflict portrayed within Proto Man on leaving or staying is good, and has quite the impact as he's a robot, with literal programming telling him to run. The way Cell Delta speaks ("'The last person to do that was a bipedal turtle'") gives a hint that he has far more backstory than we know, and is nice. As the thread goes on, it becomes more apparent that Cell Delta is insane, literally, which is nice, explaining his behavior.  The way Heat Man goes virtually unmentioned until he finally fights back makes it even more satisfying when he does come back and help Proto Man to win the battle. At the end, the somewhat fantastical indication of Proto Man getting his new power adds to the thread, contrasting with the mostly serious tone of the thread. This thread is great, if I had to give it a rating I'd give it a 7.8/10, and definitely think it deserves an Exemplary bonus.

[Omni]

Om to Enel please. Got nothing to submit this week, maybe next week.

A lesser writer doing casual work would have a character falling from the sky and just sorta landing. Alex takes real-world physics and makes it into a plot point, a puzzle for Proto Man and his compadre to solve. That's one of the things I love about Alex's writing, he always takes the extra effort and the attention to detail please me both as a reader and as an admin. From the latter respect, I always have an eye towards balance and people not over-representing their characters' strengths (one of the reasons I tend to write my characters getting fucked up and injured a lot).

If I had to grade this outside of the context of the larger Man of Steel storyline, I'd say Great. It's a fun read and as always I love the character of Proto Man, who manages to walk the line between 10 year old boy and advanced machine masterfully. I also enjoyed Heat Man as a secondary NPC, he didn't get much time but he got an exploration of his character and motives that puts him beyond your average baddy. Cell Delta has a very interesting background that clearly establishes him as a badass, but, at least in this storyline, he's more of a saturday morning bad guy. In the end, Proto Man gets his power and Heat Man resigns from characterhood.

The strongest parts of Family of Steel overall are of course Alex's signature extended cast. He does a great job of worldbuilding. I've read the first Family of Steel and gave that Exemplary, and if I thought about the whole storyline I might give it Exemplary, but since I haven't read further than Man on Fire I can't say. Maybe someone who has can tell me and I'll defer to their opinion when the grade for this actually gets handed out, but as for standalone I give this one Great and truly mean it.

[Jim Raynor]

I'd like to break up my review into the parts I think you did well in, and the parts I think you need improvement. Some of my improvement parts are more based on personal preference so they can be taken or disregarded.

The Good

I think a lot of your positive points become clear quickly. Your writing is simple and easily understood while managing to paint clear and vivid portraits of what is going on. I think this is a hard line to walk since too plain and the writing is a chore to read but too fancy and the story gets lost among the prose. You strike a great balance between the two and that's something I don't see a whole lot of. It may be me, but I sometimes have trouble picturing physical spaces that the characters walk around in (in any writing, that is) but I didn't find that with you.

You also know your characters very well. Proto Man's desire for justice and the quandry he encounters when he learns the full truth from Heat Man and selling that effectively comes from a deep knowledge of the cyborg, and that shows. It's also gratifying to see the supporting cast so fleshed out; especially Heat Man, who really felt like a tangible person with his own desires, rather than some sacrificial lamb to provide sadness and conflict for Proto Man. Their discussions about their new, uncertain lives in the Omniverse while in the cave really drives that home, and showcases that among the circuits and metal that they're really quite human and experience human issues, even if they might not label it as such.

The pacing is also well done. This is something I feel I need to work on, so I've taken notes on how you've done it. The story moves at a good speed, not spending time on areas that don't need it, while also keeping the story fleshed out, motivations clear, and the plot focused. There's something refreshing about reading a story that knows when to pull on the brakes and when to hit the accelerator and it can be a tough science, but you know what you're doing here.

Same goes for dialogue. It never feels hackneyed or cliche, it flows well, and best of all, it really sells each of your characters. Again praise for Heat Man, as I felt his speech was really top notch.

The Bad

As I said before, judging by how people on this site rate writing that they enjoy, I may be overly critical about certain aspects that may not matter but as it's my critique, I get to say them, so there! These are mostly from me studying writing rules too much and may not apply, so grain of salt and all that.

I think cutting out some words that don't add to the story would help with the flow better. It's not really often, but spots like:

Unfortunately for the pair of robots, Heat Man only managed to make it thirty yards before his bad leg gave out beneath him.

Everything before "Heat Man only managed ..." doesn't need to be there. It takes me out of the story somewhat, making me realise I'm actually reading a story, rather than being in the story. And the sentence doesn't really add anything; we know that the fleeing Heat Man's leg failing is not good news for him.

By this point, Cell Delta had overcome his initial surprise at being assaulted by the preteen machine. The older warrior rolled sideways to avoid the first few pellets of energy.

Again, this feels more like telling us something that Proto Man wouldn't know from his point of view, or at least something that could be described to us from actual actions. It could either be left out entirely and not affect the flow or meaning of the fight, or reworded to something like "Cell Delta shot from the floor swiftly, and ..." It's nothing major, but certain sentences like this, if written to be more about the observations of the protagonist, help pull me in more.

I thought I had more to say for constructive critique, but that's all that's coming to me, so well done! I really enjoyed it and reading it was rewarding. I'll think I'll be checking out more from this series. Also, I endorse this thread for a Great bonus.

[Mark]

(OM to Sterling Archer, please!)

Family of Steel - Man on Fire

Alright, I'll open with the obvious: I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I'll have to echo what others have said and say that one of my favorite things about your writing is that I never really feel like I'm bogged down by excessive exposition. I know that I personally tend to dump waaay too many words into describing scenery, travel, etc. and that can make a story a chore to read. You've got a strong grasp on timing/flow, with none of the posts feeling like they're stretched too long or squeezed in where they shouldn't be. Similarly, your choice of wording and structure of your sentences are both first rate. You've given detail without slipping into purple prose or throwing semicolons and em-dashes around needlessly, which is something I struggle with from time to time.

Something else that I really enjoyed was your dealing with Proto Man's cybernetic nature. It's definitely tricky to write a character who doesn't exactly feel per se, but the fact that you took the time to describe exactly what the characters WEREN'T feeling was personally greatly appreciated. Being that I imagine most people reading these are not gun toting androids, it can be very easy for a writer to lose their audience by not bothering to explain that for example Heat Man's fall injury would have been the kind that could kill a regular person. Since just writing "Heat Man was limping" would not give the reader a true indicating of how bad his injury was, I feel that stuff like this is critically important to feeling 'close' to the characters.

One thing that I'll mention in regards to what I feel might be missing is that maybe a little more time could have gone into Proto Man's journey, as I found myself thinking "Oh man, Heat Man is gonna get the jump on him later on" and then it felt like one post later he had already found Proto Man straight away. I feel like even a single small post in-between would space it out nicely. Like I mentioned above you've got a good handle on pacing so I don't feel like this took much away from the work, just an observation.

Overall, I'd give this a Great ranking, as the word count flies just south of Exemplary. If it had gone on for a few more posts I haven't a doubt in my mind that you'd have made Exemplary.


I don't have any threads that are eligible to submit at this time.

[Daniel]

Just a reminder that this ends in about 27 and a half hours, anyone who still wants to participate should do so before then.

[Omni]

I motion that we put the Christa/Isaac story Gildarts submitted for next fortnight's. It's a good length, never been graded and from what I read before, it's a great read.

As for the word count requirements, it's one part of a much larger personal storyline so I would say it should be eligible for Exemplary, so I'll take Mark's rating as an exemplary. I'll leave the final decision down to you, Danny, but since this is a first we can discuss it if you want!

[Guu]

It’s been too long since I’ve done one of these! I’m not that great at it, so let’s see how it goes.

I’ll do a beat by beat reaction thing, and then give my more in depth thoughts at the end. No promises I’ll have much to say since judging isn’t my forte, but it’s worth a try I guess.

Also, I haven’t read any other reviews, simply so they don’t affect my opinion, so if all I do is reiterate stuff 5 other people already… I’m sorry.

Anyways, on with the review!





Family of Steel - Man of Fire by Proto Man

I haven’t read much from the Family of Steel series, largely because there’s so much of it. It’s Alex’s biggest work after all! I believe I read the Tangled Green one, but that was so long I have a hard time remembering it.

However, I have read some of his other works in previous book club, and he’s shown himself to be quite a talented writer from those, so I’m expecting this’ll be pretty great!


- And this picks right up from a cliffhanger. I saw Alex post a link to the previous topic, and I should have skimmed through that first, but I’ll manage

- So I guess the Proto Man himself is off in Camelot chasing shadows while other robots chill around in lava land. Alright!

- Oh Okay! This is like taking place in an entire different verse, got it!

- The first post gives off a very episodic feel. This is very much an episode of a TV show rather than a stand alone story. It’s really fun when writers on this site could pull that off. ^^

- Dialogue between the robots are very pleasant. I enjoy bubble man the most! I wonder if Proto has gotten to facing him yet…

- So we cut to proto. I like the idea he was just wearing chainmail through his entire journey in Camelot. Does he always wear disguises?

- I always forgot to describe the whole weightlessness aspect of going through gates whenever I come across one. Always like how other writers tackle those.

- And Proto putting on useless clothes. XD I love doing that joke in Guu posts, just point out the pointlessness of some of the actions of the characters. Particularly how Guu chooses to breath or use her eyes, even when she doesn’t really need either to get around. Heck, the fact she even walks when she can fly. I love that kind of humor, I guess Alex does, too.

- Fire Man sounds like quite the cave dweller. Kind of curious what kind of boss he’ll be like… I mean, obviously a lot of fire…

- Pez dispenser, hahahaha. Nice mocking the odd designs of the odd games. Yeah, there are some odd choices in those.

- Also, I like the idea of lava rivers with populations in them. Would like to do a story about them sometime… assuming Proto doesn't get to it later in this story.

- Huh, on one side, those dumbass gem hunters was being reckless, but on the other, burnt them alive. It’s a fairly good conflict so far.

- Though, a little confused why he’s trying to reason his way out of fighting Proto when in a previous post, it sounded like he was planning to stop Proto from interfering with his brothers. Even if his reasoning worked, it would of only stopped the prodigal from attackIng HIM, it would have done jack towards getting the red robot from hunting the others. Then again, maybe I’m missing something.

- Oh, interesting. So Proto was simply inflicted with the ol’ “Multi-verse confusion.” I didn’t know he fell victim to that. Well, everyone has to come to terms with that one way or another I guess. Glad to see it handled well though.

- Maybe I misread a previous post, I should reread the one with Heat Man’s plans. One sec.

- Okay! Yeah, I did misread it. I guess Heat Man is hoping Proto’s confusion would get him to back off for a while, make him second guess himself.

- Suddenly, a cyborg russian…

- Was this before the rules on NPC primes became more exact or is this guy one of Alex’s NPC Primes? Now that i think about it, I he could be one of the site NPCs, I’d have to check on that…

- Escape the volcanic eruption time!

- Proto and Fire Man have a nice little heart to heart about the Omniverse. The two have some interesting perspectives on the place.

- Don’t know how I feel about the russian guy. Not sure if he was foreshadowed in previous topics. I won’t complain too much about it, he may have been mentioned before and the fact I’m jumping in the middle of this arc is kinda my fault.

- HEAT MAN NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

- I have to admit, I never would have predicted the direction this story would take. If you told me at the start of this that Heat Man and Proto would form a truce and then get attacked by a cyborg russian… well, that wouldn’t shock me too much as this is the Omniverse, but still.

- FIGHT!

- Combat so far is alright, better than what I could put out xD

- Okay, this fight just becomes downright brutal, good job.

- Final post, just going to run through this one in one go.

- Well, there goes Proto’s han D:

- HEAT MAN TO THE RESCUE! WOO!

- Huh, seems I’ve grown a bit attached, that’s another plus for this work.

- Well, it’s kind of sad to see Fire Man sacrifice himself to give Proto another power. I’m guessing he was kind of doomed anyways.


Well, I’ll have to say, that was an enjoyable read! My favorite aspects were the dialogue, the relationships between the different robots, the episodic feel of the whole thing. The cyborg russian felt like he came from nowhere, but again, maybe he was introduced somewhere else… Like I said, I did kind of jump into this in the middle of an arc.

Anyways, I am quite satisfied with this. Thanks for providing us, Alex!

[Daniel]

5 hours and 50 minutes until this closes

[Daniel]

All OM for participating in this Book Club has been Awarded.

Proto Man has been awarded Exemplary! Congratulations to Alex! -Omni

[Alex]

I enjoy the amount of sadness people expressed to me when they read Heat Man get the ax.

It made me feel like I was doing something right, and I'm sure the guy's glad to have gotten some real sympathy years after this demise.

Thanks to everyone that posted. I promise to return the favor when you pop up in the BC.

[Revan Noctis]

Book club #1

I like factories and robots and such so the opening here was quite enjoyable for me to read.
The snorkeling joke was funny, it came across at first very much like an old weekend cartoon episode.
I enjoyed the description of the ashen steppes, it sure does make a horrible place like Coruscant seem pleasant. The machines being family was an interesting dynamic I liked the idea of the robot in lava being known for getting angry even if it is kinda cliche the character was interesting. Heat man’s love for lava while also cliche seemed menacing yet somehow heart warming to me at the same time, after all the robot loves what he loves. 

What wasn’t cliche in this case seems to have been the environmental protectionism, I didn’t see it coming but like I said before it came across as heart warming to know he seemingly cared about the cuddly animals.
I could feel for the character, perhaps he even seemed inspirational.

I guess I can understand why Protoman wants to avenge the dead miners, after all they did get burned to death but they really weren’t nice enough to warrant being avenged by a robot fighter.
I’ll be honest I’ve never seen or tried Megaman but the short speech by Heatman was great.

This russian villain has a long title, I actually don’t think it means anything in the Omniverse though.
I feel like hope for an alliance between Proto and heat is going to be cool. Funny calling the Omniverse a cosmic trash receptacle.

A lot of realisations come from this thread it seems, almost turning what began as similar to a cartoon to a very dark grim story matching the persona of the new villain that had arrived. I want Heatman and his brothers to fulfill their hopes and dreams! But no you had to tug at my emotions and give him a death scene.

The battle here is very violent with shot guns bullets and palm energy blasts, it seems Proto is quite powerful.
Heatman joining with Protoman was a cool ending, sad to see him go but oh well.
I find it odd the Russian was referencing Rome but definitely a powerful enemy that works.

[King Ghidorah]

Supplementary After-the-fact-temporarily-open-thread-story-critique-powers..... go. 

 So. Family of Steel - Man on Fire.

I liked this a lot. The sentence structure wasn't always elegant, and words were occasionally misused - but none of that mattered much because good god damn, that story! Dem characters! That action!

Not having read the previous Family of Steel threads, I was a little bit lost at the start, and though the dynamic between Quickman and bubbleman was clear, I didn't get a super-clear feel for them as people. They felt a little flat, which at first put me off - but in light of the later exposition regarding the incomplete humanity of the robot masters, it totally works. 

Even if the stylistic aspects were less polished than much of the Alex's later work, the structure of this is actually brilliant: it's set up as a straightforward megaman-esque crusading robot for justice meets elemental-themed evil robot on his grand tour to collect the powerups, but that's not what happens at all because (surprise) Protoman's not Megaman. The subversion when Heat Man defends his actions and Protoman backs down felt very real, and it made the ensuing tragedy of Heat Man's death extremely poignant.

Speaking of which: Cell Delta. I have no idea what this douchebag is from, but the tone struck by his presence in this thread was perfect. Not so much when Heat Man is talking about him, but the way the cyborg behaves when held in contrast to the genuine empathy between Protoman and Heat Man makes Cell Delta seem more like a machine than they do. His arrival cuts across what was otherwise turning out to be an unexpectedly cordial meeting like a beetle found floating in your morning orange-juice, and it's genuinely jarring. The brutality of the ensuing fight combined with his straight-up supervillain monologuing really brought it all together, and Heat Man finishing the fight and getting to be the hero as he died was just the icing on the cake. I feel like I understand present-Omniverse Protoman a little better now. 
 
A note about the action - there was something remarkable going on here. I have a thing about word-choice, in particular the way a fight scene feels.  The way this confrontation was written wouldn't typically have engaged me very much (much of it was very clinical - 'this happened. that happened'), but the presence and personalities of the characters came through so strongly and the violence being described was so hectic that it sucked me in regardless.   

#HeatManNever4get 

I'd recommend Protoman for a great bonus here without reservation.

[Sasuke Uchiha]

Gimmie that OM! *Crunch!*

I read this story’s precursor, so let me just say, I’m excited already. I’ve finished the first half of the first post and already I am reminded of how envious I am of your talent. You have a nice way of creating a flow with your story that not only keeps the reader intrigued, but asking what’s going to happen next. (Suspense) You seem to do this effortlessly. 

In his conversation with Roll, she mentioned that the ‘dragon slayers’ were already the buzz in Coruscant, much to the chagrin of the imperial news networks. It seemed that most of the middle- and lower- classes saw the group as something akin to rockstars, but the Empire’s bureaucracy was attempting to downplay the incident, given the fact that two of its most recent Primes had taken part in defeating a menace to the Kingdom.

I love world building and I love how you’ve given us the Empire’s perspective on the then current event. Kuddos.

While his visor was also gone, Proto Man retained his sunglasses, because you should always protect yourself from harmful UV rays!

Question, does Proto wear his sunglasses at night? I’m just asking, no offense. Don’t mess with the guy in shades, oh no.

The Ashen Plains was an abysmal place. For all its crime, malice, and lack of liberty, Coruscant was still a more hospitable verse. Overhead, the skies were a menacing shade of red that was unlike anything Proto Man had ever seen. Even the clouds, where they were present, were black and ominous. All the nearby landmarks were dark mountains of some sort, whether they were active volcanoes, calderas, or natural formations. Far to the northeast, one mountain jutted far above its peers. Based on information pulled from the Dataverse, he could wager a guess he was looking at Death Mountain, which was home to the verse’ population of dragons.

Superb scene setting skill here mate. I’m there, you brought me. It’s miserable, you bastard.

I enjoyed Heatman’s part in this post. I like how he intends to use the zones hazardousness to deal with Proto. A lot of us get caught up in super powered battles and forget that clever conflict is just as fun, if not more for the reader.

I loved the eerie pleasantness of the conversation between Heatman and Proto, right before Proto calls out Heatman for roasting some travelers.

I like how I dunno where this story is going, in a good way. I thought this was Proto vs Heatman, now maybe its Proto and Heatman Vs ??? Good stuff.

OH SNAP. Cell Delta. *eats popcorn*

Everything was a blur. One second, Proto Man and the cyborg were engaged in a standoff, and the next, hell had literally burst forth before them. The initial upsurge of lava blasted a cone of molten rock miles into the crimson skyline of the Ashen Plains. Something else exploded nearby, but before the android could get a grasp of the situation, a hand closed around his wrist. He caught just a glimpse of Heat Man’s stout figure before the other Robot Master yanked him off the rim of the volcano.

I could honestly quote almost every passage of this thread for praise, it’s that good.  

The way you open a post is impressive and really grounds the reader and readies them for the ride they’re in for. I try to model the opening of my posts after your style and I feel like it’s one of the better things about my writing, so I couldn’t give you enough praise for this.

I did feel as though you might have done away with the villain a tad too quickly in this scene, but I’m sure you won’t disappoint with the final showdown, so it’s no biggie.

“It’s this place,” Proto Man whispered, referring to the Omniverse as a whole. “Whatever the Omniverse may be, it’s clear to me that it’s some sort of cosmic dumpster...”
“Dumpster? A trash receptacle?” Heat Man asked as a look of confusion spread across his features.
 
“Sorry,” Proto Man replied, realizing that the machine lacked the skill to appreciate his wordplay.

 
 I Lol’d at Heatman’s not understanding of Proto’s cosmic dumpster joke. Little elements like that really put a polished shine on a story.

Oververse mentions. Nice. I remember when this was, the hype around you going to meet Omni was real. Aaaaand ended on a cliff hanger with Cell Delta popping back up, good, it would have ended flat without it. Nice work.
 
O0o0o0o0o0o0o NOOOOOOO! Heatman!

“The last individual to pull this off was a bipedal turtle,” he added as he removed the tattered remnants of his coat.

Wartortle cheap pop, you dog. *Eats popcorn loving it*

OHHH SNAP! Heatman for the win. I’m glad it was him who blasted that sucka. Nice. The feels.

Awwwwwwwwww, he gave himself over to Proto so Proto could get a nice flashy new move. Lol, Great story. It falls 500 short of the word count for exemplary, but I don’t care, I say you deserve it for this story.

[Alex]