Depression [Mature]

[Omni]

How do you guys deal with depression and suicidal thoughts? I've been getting those a lot lately. Broke up with my girlfriend in January, which had been the one thing keeping my life together and happy. Since then I've been smoking weed pretty much nonstop because it shuts my brain up, keeps me happy and staves off the suicidal thoughts. If I stop, I start falling again. My ex cut me off despite me having done nothing wrong and that made me get even worse. Trying to get back in contact with her made things worse still. She hospitalized herself, I don't know how, but after that I've not tried to get in contact. It's been a few weeks since then and I have run out of weed.

I'm on 40mg citalopram (the max dose) and I've been trying to keep myself busy with videogames. But it's like the joy from everything is diminished. Nothing gets me excited it's just ... busywork. Last year I had to move out with really little notice and now I'm sorta trapped out in the boonies, no friends here except for a possibly-insane housemate who had until recently been providing me with the weed.

Now I'm sober again and it's back to waking up crying, dreams filled with the things I'm trying to forget about. I've considered going on the dark web and getting either more weed or a cyanide pill for a more permanent solution. I have tried cutting, suffocation, and in the times I'm lying in bed trying to sleep, my brain likes to go through every other possible way I could pull it off. I've avoided posting things like this on the Omniverse before, limiting them to the staff room. My position makes me feel like I have a responsibility that includes not sharing things like this. But I'm having a difficult time and any help/advice would be appreciated. Please keep it mature and respectful, thank you, and if you'd like to share troubles of your own then this a place you can do so.

My dad died of cancer at the end of 2015 and while it didn't affect me the way it affected my sister and brother, at least not at first, it lead to an argument with my brother who's not spoken to me since. My brother and father tend to visit me in my dreams a lot, as well as my ex. I just spend a lot of time wondering if I did the right thing. I know that I did, but that doesn't stop me from going over and over it.

[Yu Kanda]

i've only just returned after a year of having gone through some difficult times myself. I won't go in to many details, seeing as this is a public forum, but i can tell you what helped.

Untill you find your own personal reason to go on, without that one thought that makes you want to see the upcoming days you will stay in this downwards spiral. I know this sounds really cliché but talking about it, wether is proffesional or just a close friend, really helps. Finding a way out through alcohol, gaming, drugs or any other form of addiction will only empower it because you don't get to the source of the problem. The best thing is to focus on yourself first, it might sound selfish but before you can even worry about others you have to be in a healthy state of mind yourself first, otherwise you will only end up blaming yourself if anything doesn't go the way you intend them to go. So first things first, find out the root of this depression, something is causing it, wether its your daily routine, something in your past or a person that has hurt you, anything is possible.

Often people are stuck in a mindloop and don't see the problem at hand, they have become blind to the source of it. Thats why having a second person listen to your stories, talking about it, listening to other points of view will reveal the source of it all, and from there you can start your fight back to a normal life. Don't get me wrong, its -NOT- going to be easy. Having someone with you allong the way, to help you stay on the path is almost crucial. It doesn't matter if this is a person behind a screen or a good friend across the street.

But it all comes down to you taking that first step, the first step of talking about the truly deep stuff with someone you trust and really wants to help you.

i'm not sure if any of this makes sense to you, but coming from someone who spend the last year going through some pretty brutal stuff i hope it helps atleast a little bit.
Because people going "You will make it" or "its easy, stop thinking about it" don't know what they are talking about, its not a switch you can simply turn off.

If you ever want to talk, or if i can do anything else, feel free to contact me anytime.

Kanda

[Tearen Wover]

Everything Kanda said is great and perfect, so I'm going to focus on the other side of addressing this.

I've been dealing with moderate clinical depression and anxiety for several years now, and I've come within inches killing myself about three times. Suicidal episodes are more of an acute situation that require an immediate solution, which is usually to call a suicide prevention hotline. It's not as bad as it sounds.

There is no 'acceptable' level of thoughts to have about self-harm, so the minute it starts happening you need to get in touch with someone who cares about you. I know you feel like you may have alienated your friends and family, but if you can't bring yourself to call a hotline call one of them. It will feel like the worst most insufferable thing in the moment, but you've already proven that you don't want to give in to these thoughts by talking to us about it. So it's better to swallow the bitter people and let people who are close to you know. You'll probably be surprised by how supportive they are , despite whatever problems exist between you.

For real though, I'm serious.

Speaking of bitter pills, don't give up on the medication after just one prescription. It took a few tries for me to find an antidepressant that worked well for me. Brain chemistry and toleranes are different for everyone, but in my case I take 450 mg of Bupropion (a generic of Wellbutrin) every day in the morning. It took about five days to really kick in, but everything was exponentially easier to deal with when it did.

At first I was bitching about how I thought the pills (I also take anti anxiety meds) were going to fuck with my creativity and dumb down my thoughts but that line of thinking is pretty bullshit and not remotely true. If anything, the pills made thinking and focusing easier, and my creative pursuits became much more earnest._

Long story short, Depression feels like this indomitable thing when you're in it, but objectively it's a medical condition that is very treatable with doctors and medicine. In the meantime, though, if weed and videogames keep you going then do what you need to. Just don't think I'm enabling you; you just need to keep yourself alive long enough to arrive at some actual solutions.

I wrote this a while ago and I'm better at dealing with my depressive thoughts now, but maybe this will give you some insight into how to approach dealing with these kinds of thoughts. Personally I acknowledge that the self-hatred and apathy I feel are not my actual thoughts and that my depression is basically a seperate entity in my head trying to kill me. It sounds a bit nuts, but, it's important to realize that depression is not a natural part of your mind. Looking at the disease as an antagonistic force is a good start towards ignoring and eliminating the thought patterns it generates.

http://tearen-and-zearen.deviantart.com/...-576500872

[Omni]

That conversation was very reminiscent. Anger is better than sadness, though it does burn out eventually, and you have to find something else to keep going.

I guess part of the problem, Kanda, is that I can't get closure to lots of the things eating me. Some of my dreams are simply being able to speak to her ex. I think guilt ate her up so she wouldn't even talk to me. And I tried so hard to just get some closure out of her, but not a word in 2 months until her mother called me to say that she'd hospitalised herself, and not to try calling or messaging anymore. It's fucked. I feel like now I can never trust anyone again. There's always that doubt, that no matter how much someone says they love you, no matter how long you spend together, they could turn around the same day and stop talking to you, and there's nothing you'd be able to do about it.

I should probably talk to my doctor about trying something else. It did work for a while at the higher doses, but I guess my body got used to it.

[Shiotaro Yuki]

I'm not entirely sure if there really is a solid way to deal with depression or suicidal thoughts since everyone's cases and triggers vary along with their coping mechanisms. The most general options I like to give is to surround yourself by people you trust and know care about you, perhaps surround yourself around pets or therapy animals, or go out to see nature if you find that calming. Do what makes you happy, but it sound like you're trying and in the current moment, it's not working so well for you. Personally, when I deal with things like that, I talk to my friends if they're around or maybe I just zone out and listen to music, maybe walk around and just think on other things that I know have a mindspace that makes me happy.

In regards to breakups like that, I know what that's like and it totally sucks. I have a friend going through a really bad breakup right now and it's just such a terrible feeling. Loss is always horrible, and in its freshest moments, it's just soul shattering. It's not in my place to ask what happened, but it sounds quite twisted in a few aspects. I can still offer being a window to rant at, but even that can only do so much. I apologise for my horrible wording, but things like depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts are never easy to deal with and there's no solid fix for them. There's more I want to say, but I'm not quite sure how to put it and I'd rather say them in dm because I'm a bit weird like that. :<

[Yu Kanda]

Tearen makes a few excellent points aswell.

Breakups without closure are the worst, i still don't have closure from one of my exes, its been 5 years and i still think about it every now and then. Over time i learned to let things like that go but it aint easy, especially when you are in a depressed state of mind.

But the first big question is, do you have anyone you feel comfortable enough with to talk to?

[Omni]

I have the Omniverse. In real life ... not so much. It might have been my brother but he's blanked me and to be honest, the part of me that wants to leave him cut out of my life is greater than the part who wants to repair things, though I have tried for my mum's sake (I asked him to come to christmas in December, he never replied). In fact, the thing that made me cut him out was when he told me I should kill myself ... so ... yeah. My mum knows I'm depressed and most of what's been going on, she knows my history of suicidal-ness.

I've tried suicide hotlines before ... but they are kinda awful, at least in the UK. The people working minimum wage to staff those lines probably need the service more than most, and in the UK they're not even allowed to give advice, they can basically just say "that must be difficult for you".

I did have a counsellor last year through my local mental health services, I was recommended to try that again. I kind of feel like it's beating a dead horse.

[Demetri Malius]

If anything Greg, talk to one of us! I know we probably haven't talked to much in personal conversation, but I wouldn't mind helping you out, just as many of us will offer you. I have never been too close to suicide before but my mind gets pretty fucked up at times and its no strange thought to me. I will say that the one thing that will drive you down into that spiral is solitude. You are going to need people to support you, especially in a situation like this, where you might not get closure for your breakup. Whatever is going on is out of your control, and your life, so the best thing to do is move on. If you ever feel like talking about some random shit that compounds itself into madness don't hesitate to talk to me, it's what I'm best at But yeah, surround yourself with people who support you and ignore those that won't, and trusting someone enough to tell them all your concerns is a key way to vent your emotions. Although I haven't taken classes in psychology really, I've done some weird as psuedo-research with theories and psychological information I have learned from the vast internet. I wouldn't mind being a sort of counselor for you since I have a lot of experience from many of my friends personal issues and my own. We all care for you Greg, you have community here and many of us are willing to support you, so don't worry too much!

Also, I kinda owe you for creating the site that introduced me to Ezzy, who I am with today (Best wingman ever)

[Amber Veritz]

Yo man, I am always here for my friends. Don't be afraid to talk to me if you need it, or really anyone else here offering support. I deal with crippling depression on a daily basis and my outlet usually falls under a mixture of intense music and LOADSA WRITTIN'. I actually have done some things I'm not proud of in 2017, but I go on because I have this site and all the friends I've made on it, including you. The Condom Fox is here until you nuke the Omniverse, which will hopefully be never. I LOVE YOU GREGMAN.

[Trixie]

Greg, come pay day I'm sending you some Skype Credit so you can call my cell if you ever need me or any of us in the States. If the Suicide Hotlines are shit in the UK then call me directly. It's 2.3 cents a minute to call me via Skype. That's about 43 minutes per dollar. If I sent you 10 dollars that's 430 minutes. 

We got this man.

[Mark]

100% agree with everything stated here. The most important thing to remember is that YOU ARE VALUABLE. We all care for you man. At times it might seem sorta hard to really take to heart due to miles of distance and the fact that the majority of us have never met one another but trust me, it's there.

I can't speak for everyone, but I know that when I've been at my worst over the past few years what's helped the most is to talk. Talk, talk, talk about what's bothering me to people whom I trust, talk until I run out of breath. Just having someone to hear my words and make me feel like I'm not crazy to think what I do brings me a decent amount of calm. Obviously just talking about something doesn't make the thing go away, and some wounds will continue to ache despite it, but even the smallest amount of relief can be helpful at times. I've found in some instances that time is the only thing that can heal deep emotional wounds and we just need a little help limping along until that healing happens. In my experience letting your negative emotions ferment makes it exponentially worse and makes it feel like there's a huge distance between yourself and the rest of the world.

I'm kinda babbling at this point but hopefully some of that makes sense. Like everyone else has said, please feel free to talk to me if you need/want to. No one should have to go through stuff like this alone.

[Aadibah]

It never goes away. You can't listen to it, but you can't ignore it either.

One time in my life I thought I was irredeemable. I tried to run, didn't get far. When I went out into the world I thought I knew how bad things could get. When you're walking down a snowy road in the middle of winter in Minnesota, with only a sweatshirt, black pants, boots, and a stupid little wooden "knife", just out of the blue, because you've been thinking about running for so long and finally decided to nut up or shut up, that's when the world says,

"Alright, kid. You think you're tough shit?"

When the blizzard's coming in and you're sprinting a mile back to the house you passed a mile ago, and you know there's people in there, and you're banging on the door and begging them to let you in because you're gonna freeze to death and you're just a stupid kid and you swear to God you're not going to hurt them, and then they don't let you in or even speak to you, that's when it hits you. It hits you so hard exactly how bad things can get for you.

Then when the cop pulls up, while you're laying in the ditch just waiting for the cold to take you, saying "fuck it, I've shamed myself enough. I'm not gonna even try getting back. I'll just embarrass myself further", and he takes you back home to your grandparents cabin you were at for the week, and your grandfather isn't screaming or crying, but just calm and collected, waiting to wrap a coat around you, and all your grandmother says is about how wet your clothes are but you don't even feel it, that's when you realize something else the world was trying to show you this whole time you had your head up your ass. It was trying to show you how good things could be. Show you how much your family loves you when your brothers are in tears and your mom comes there all the way from work in tears, your step-dad comes up with pizza from all the way across state, and no one's cussing at you or making you feel like shit or trying to put you down, just glad that you're alive.

But even after that you still hear the words in your head. They're not voices, it's only one "thing" in your head. Soon enough you realize all this time it was you. Just some deep, dark, vile part of you that wants hurt. It wants suffering and pain. It craves it. You realize the only thing you can do to fix it is to let it speak. Hear it, let is speak its mind, then give it a million reasons as to why it's so wrong. So utterly, unbelievably wrong. Then you start proving it wrong with what you do. You start working hard, working out, getting good grades, because that deep dark part of you is spewing bile at you day in and day out.

But you'll never stop thinking about the day you decided to shove your head so far up your own ass that you could chew the back of your own tongue. The day you thought you knew what was up and then reality brought its solid iron boot heel down on you. The day you almost died and didn't care, all for something that you made in your mind. It never goes away.

[Omni]

I feel a hell of a lot better the last few days. More like myself. I'm not so naive as to think my brain won't continue to up- and down-swing, but I think posting this finally relieved a lot of pressure on me. That and the support I've received, makes me really glad this place exists.

[Yu Kanda]

You know it, whatever, whenever. Just poke ^^

[Hiro Protagonist]

I lost my brother to a sudden pulmonary embolism in Augist of 2015. My father went to prison that same december. I also joined the Omniverse right about then. I've done a lot of roleplaying on many different forums and mediums, but I have to say that The Omniverse stands not just because of the unique approach it takes, but because of the community. I have become so much more active online with regards to skype games and other things, and being able to have an outlet for my pent up frustration by writing Hiro has made it a lot easier. You've got a family here, Greg. We all love you and each other.

PS. OMNICON 2018

[Omni]

<3 man.

[Omni]

My doctor gave me some sertraline, once I move I'm going to try that and hope it's more effective. I'm fairly stable most of the time but I am dangerously aware of how little it takes for me to turn into a complete wreck.

[Violet]

Doc's got me on Fluoxetine, I was on sertraline. Honestly, I don't really feel too much different, but there are some days when I forget to take a dose and I can definitely tell there's something "off", like, my patience is a lot thinner than when I am taking it, and just generally feeling a sense of down-ness. Don't know how else to explain it. I think not having a job and the shit with my mom had really wrecked me somewhere inside, which is why I wrote so damned much, it was a great escape from reality for a while. I am still unsure of how to cope with shit, and being around people has increasingly become very frightening to me. It's gotten dark though. I've thought of suicide several times over the years, but I just can't go through with it regardless of how hard it gets. The thought of offing myself is just...I don't know. At times, I feel the world wouldn't miss me, that it would be better off without me, that I'm just some blip that no one would really notice gone, and other times, just the idea of the pain and suffering if something went wrong and I survived it keeps it at bay. Luckily, it doesn't pop up very often, but it's a real beast to tackle when it does.

[Omni]

I'm at the point right now that if someone gave me a loaded gun, I'd do it without a second's hesitation. So fucking angry and just ... don't think I'll ever stop feeling fucked up and enraged and sad.

[Kelly MacAryn]

I've been avoiding posting in this thread for a couple of reasons. Most of the advice I could give has already been given by people more personable and eloquent than myself, and frankly, I'm just plain bad at opening up to other people. I can almost never tell if I'm genuinely liked, or if I'm just being tolerated, and that makes the whole prospect of non-flippant social interaction - especially regarding this particular topic - seem daunting...but here it goes.

I have moderate-to-severe clinical depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and generalized anxiety.  I have panic-attacks, and I'll sometimes get stuck on a detail or aspect of a conversation or situation, spiraling inward as I nitpick it to death - a tendency that got so bad during a recent low-period (see: my slowdown in posting after Darkshire, just before I went on vacation)  that it almost exploded my marriage.  My wife thinks I might actually be manic-depressive, because sometimes I'll get REALLY positive, and during those times my energy and focus can be frightening (see: my daily output when I first joined this site), and other times I'll end up showing combinations of the two extremes - like doing a bunch of push-ups and sit-ups while crying at nothing and drinking beer (which I hate) - But the manic side of it has never been formally diagnosed.

I've been dealing with the depression in particular (which is, after all, the topic of this thread) for fourteen years, and I've been suicidal a few times, though I've never actually made the attempt. Tearen's thoughts on the subject of medication are very similar to mine, and the general consensus about the importance of talking is spot-on. One thing that depression does is make you feel like talking about it is pointless, because nobody could understand how you're feeling, and even if they did then they probably wouldn't care. However, if you don't talk about it, you just end up feeling more isolated, and it eats away at you, separating you from the people who might otherwise offer you help. 

The most important part of my learning to cope with this disease was my therapist. It took a few tries to find the right one - there are a lot of really terrible psychiatrists in Wisconsin - but if you can find one who will ask the right questions instead of sitting there and staring at you like you're a strange, sad, angry species of exotic deep-sea fish, they can help. Depression is a kind of neurological trap, and the worst part of it  is that relentless sensation of helplessness - the feeling that your situation is just inescapable and nothing you do will improve things. Given time, a good therapist might not pull you out of it, but they can show you where the door is.

Regarding specific coping mechanisms, the biggest one for me personally has been training in Taekwon Do. Aside from the general psychological benefits of regular exercise, the feelings of advancement, and of having achievable goals that were within my ability were invaluable. It gave an added element of structure to my life - something I can point to when I feel like I'm stuck at the bottom of a very deep hole and the rest of the world is standing at the top dropping buckets of garbage on my head and say "I improved myself today, and tomorrow things will change." When I'm practicing, everything else just stops being important, and all the self-criticism and horror at the world around me becomes focused on my technique - and my technique is something I can improve. Additionally, it provided a context for me to interact with people on a regular basis in a way that didn't involve me looming in terrified silence, which eventually led to me being a viable social entity instead of the closest thing to a space-alien.  Without it, I don't think I ever would have finished college, or gotten married, and if I'm being completely honest I probably would have driven my car off a bridge. I certainly thought about it often enough.

I think, really, that's the most important part. Like Kanda said, you have to find something that you can use to not just distract yourself from the bad things, but to pull yourself into the future. The hardest part of that, though, is figuring out where to look. I'd imagine its different for everybody, and what worked for me might not work for you, but the key is to keep looking. Being depressed forces you into a bubble. Trying new things helps you break out.  

The only other thing I really have to say is that the people in this thread are right, Greg. You've created something very special with this website, and you've brought together a very unique community of very creative people. Even those of us who haven't spoken with you very much love you for that, and we're willing to offer you any kind of help you may need. I believe that one of the best ways to judge a person, both in real life and online, is to look at the kind of people they attract, and in that respect you're doing a pretty fine job.