(Reddit) Afro Pirate - Stories/Discussion

[Guu]

Feel free to make up your own stories. They may or may not have happened, but then again, this is a reddit story sharing dealie.

The legend, the hero, the criminal, the vasty had long been hit with murmurs of the existence of the Afro Pirate, a feared swashbuckler who's chest hair was as bushy as his fro. Little proof exists that he even ever walked the Omniverse to begin with, well outside the tales that have been shared online.

Do you have any stories? Please share below to keep the legend alive!

[Guu]

accidentalgrandmalover said:
I encountered the great Pirate once. I will never forget it.

Late one night drinking, my mates challenged me to sail across the ocean in nothing but a dingy (I should be referring them as my "former mates" as I found out later that they were actively trying to kill me.) I woke the next day with a hangover and in the middle of the frikkin' ocean, no land in sight just water everwhere I could see.

I would survive the next few days on nothing but bar snacks that I had inexplically brought with me. Thankfully the raft had a sunlight thingy or I would have died of dehydration.

(Again, "former mates")

Anyways, three days drifting, I saw his ship in the distance. It immediately caught my eye as the mast had a very bizarre statue of a woman adorning her own afro giving the finger. I waved the ship down who was kind enough to drop anchor next to my raft. The crew, which was composed of leather bound Fabio clones, pulled me on board, and that was when I first saw him.

He wore a purple suit, something ripped from a disco movie, but he wore his jacket in such a way that his chest constantly lay open. It kind of had to as that chest was bushy enough to get lost in on it's own. He looked me up and down with an eager gaze and spoke in a commanding voice.

"Well, little lost one, we will return you to the next port. But in the meantime, we shall have pancakes in celebration of your arrival on board!"

So yeah, just as he said, we had pancakes that night. The Fabio clones told their own tales of darring, none of them related to pirate adventures, but of their modeling carreers. They'd all nodded along to each story as if they all had lived it, which gave me the feeling that my assessment of all of them being clones of the same man was on point. After several stories about nightmare make-up artists and disasterous photo shoots, the captain himself sat next to me and whispered something in my ear that left me stunned.

"Would you like to sleep with my daughter?"

I couldn't believe I was being offered up the man's own blood to me. I was quick to politely decline out of embarassment, but he was pretty insistant. After a bit of coersion I eventually agreed.

I couldn't believe my luck when I saw her. A young, college-age girl with an incredibly sexy tan and thin wavy hair. I began to wonder how these two were related, but the fair less blood pumping to my brain kept the thoughts away. I did her well into the night in the captain's own cabin.

But, to my horror, when I woke the next day, I discovered that the woman I was sleeping with had transformed. She had become a wrickly 80-year-old woman. She looked me in the eyes, lustful after the previous nights events, and spoke to me.

"Was it good for you?"

Horrified, I run out the door, run upstairs, and throw myself overboard, all while entirely in the buff. I would be be rescued by the merchant boat later that day.

[Guu]

Nugget-san said:
@accidentalgrandmalover Haha, why does he have an 80-year-old daughter? SO FAKE!

IANNAFUKSAMUS said:
@accidentalgrandmalover It's a solar still you idiot!

Gully453243223 said:
@accidentalgrandmalover Oh god, that's horrifying!

MAIBAIISHGUU said:
@accidentalgrandmalover You screwed his grandma, lol!

Omni_Sux said:
@accidentalgrandmalover You'll catch the old person filth!

IMASTAB82POKESMANS said:
@accidentalgrandmalover Ew, old people sex! That grosses me out, so that must mean it's wrong!

[Guu]

Yur_mothas_lova said:
I remember the time we encountered the afro pirate. It was on our voyage to a distant island when a ship hailing a pirate emblem pulled beside us. They boarded us and while we fought for our lives, we couldn't help but notice that absurdity of the crew. On board was every single actor who's portrayed batman in the past, all of them. They had Adam West, Christian Bale, Micheal Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, Will Arnet, Ben Affleck, Steven Seagal, and Eddie Murphy, all of them were present. At the start of the fight, they were all wearing batman costumes, but they did a strip tease over the course of the battle, all the way down to speedos. The captain just stayed on his ship, watching the entire raid. Now that I think about it, they didn't even take anything, or actually kill anyone, they just did the strip tease while dodging our attacks and then retreated. Talk about weird.

[Guu]

SADCLOWNKILLER4356 said:
@Yur_mothas_lova You sure that was the afro pirate and not a strip shapeshifter boat?


CatsRuinEverythign said:
@Yur_mothas_lova That's definitely one of those shapeshifting strip boats. I had one that was full of Marlyn Monroes.


Ninjas_r_fake said:
@Yur_mothas_lova Mine was full of furries. Best day of my life!


Captain_Oblivious said:
@Yur_mothas_lova Why are all these stories sexual in nature?

[Guu]

Real_Pirate332 said:
Yar, listen to my tale of woe.

So I was sailing the high seas plundering for treasure, yar. We were following this map that leads to the elixer of ever lasting life. The ocean was a tempermental bitch, yar, but we yarring made it to the yarring island. After two months at sea.

The island was a yarring beautiful paradise, like something out of yarring legend. We followed the map exactly, through the jungle, down a great ravine, and into the great caves. We nearly got lost in dem yarring caverns, but yars navigator Talip Lars lead us through.

We found a fountain at the end of the tunnel, the elixer was half empty and had a yarring note on it.

It read: "Don't drink this, it tastes of elderberries, plus it doesn't work" and it was signed by the afro pirate himself.

All of us hated elderberries so we all left.

Yar.

[Guu]

Yanniverse said:
@Real_Pirate332 Is "yar" codeword for sex?


BareNAKKIDLadiesRules said:
@Real_Pirate332 You sound a poser, a POSER PIRATE! BURN HIM!


GILGAMESHlavr said:
@Real_Pirate332 Maybe being in proximity of the elixer made you immortal? Only one way to test!



This_Is_The_Sto said:
@Real_Pirate332 The entire crew hated Elderberries? I'm guessing you just didn't want an indirect kiss with the afro pirate!


Yanniverse said:
@This_Is_The_Sto I bet his kisses are venomous!