Fight Judgement
I am using Failz’s template for this, found in
this thread.
Other than that: you can score up to 10 points in each category, total of 50, which is then divided by 5 and has bonuses and penalties added to form your final score. General Fight Notes are where I stuff my comments about each individual post.
If I made any errors, please inform me! And if you disagree or feel graded unfairly, you can also inform me and we'll see. Remember that this is a subjective grading based on my opinions.
Anycase, let's take a look here.
General Fight Notes
First of all: I only read one or two of both you guys’ posts prior to your encounter, and while I am vaguely familiar with the circumstances that led up to the fight, most of it is a vacuum.
I quite enjoyed the read overall. Though I had to look back at both your Rosters a few times to understand what moves you were using you wrote the fight fluidly and with both sides using one another’s characters and moves very well. The dialogue occasionally came over as hacky to me, but then again it’s a fight.
What I missed were the “big moments”, turning points or surprises. The fight went mostly linear. I realize that with 600 words you can’t do an enormous amount, but still.
Hiro Post 1
Loooots of “–ing” in there – “tensing”, “reaching” etc. Having fallen into that trap myself I know how easy it is, but try to mix it up a little.
IMO you’re placing too many commas. Again, something I myself am quick to do. Above all, avoid “, and”. It’s either a comma or an “and”. Not both. Try ctrl-f to see how often you actually did that.
Do consider revising what words you capitalize and being consistent with it. I’m not a master with english grammar but I think that “Hacker”, even referring to Hiro, wouldn’t be capitalized. “omnilium” however is. Later on you’re not capitalizing “hacker”
It’s a bit nit-picky, I know.
^^^ the above things apply to all three of your posts. I won’t post them three times over though.
“[...] recieved an odd feeling in the back of his head”, I think “got” or such would have been more fitting.
“Phantasmal machine spirit”? :psy: Am I missing something here? It might be something that I would understand if I read more backstory.
“Stomped on his cane, sending it flipping into the air” :frog: If he stomps on it wouldn’t he nail it to the ground? I imagine that you intended to say that he stomped on one end which flung the other end into the air or some such, because levers.
“followed him with a hop of his own”. “Hop” is not too fitting for what I imagine to be a pretty powerful jump, if Hiro headbutts the Sage. The description of that headbutt is amazing though, that one deserves special mentions.
Sage Post 1
Some of the issues I have with your post are actually quite similar to Hiro’s: certain words you capitalize when they needn’t be (“Boy” for instance), and the other way around (“internet” I am pretty sure is capitalized?).
You also like to place an “and” after a comma, and leave those commas out in other places. Silly Sage, you should know better if you have a beard made of books :frog:
^^^ Same as for Hiro, the above things apply to all three of your posts but I don’t want to copy-paste them twice.
“The Sage disengaged, and dropping backwards spots dancing in his vision”. That sentence just... :psy: Had to read it twice before I understood. The misplaced or missing commas and the “dropping” jumbled it up.
“in the mans’ face as he let fly the bolas.” :frog: One space to the left with that apostrophe, please. And “let fly the bolas” also made me double-take.
At the end of the 2nd paragraph... Hiro bends backwards to dodge the bolas, I got that. But how does he dive over the cane and roll from that position? Does he backflip and do a backwards roll? That’s some Matrix level shit right there.
“With a pained grunt, he lashed out with his foot, stamping down on the blade, shattering the glass weapon.” For someone with 1 ATK glass would probably not be that easy to shatter. But I guess that depends on how thick the blade is and whatnot.
Also, the post felt nicely wrapped-up for some reason. I’m not exactly sure how to explain it but the way you worded the last paragraph or so felt fitting.
Hiro Post 2
I like how you worded Hiro’s inner monologue in the first paragraph. Also, while I know little of Hiro the whole “penchant for theatrics” thing sounds very fitting to him :yay:
“the effort was taking it’s toll.” GRAMMAR NAZI MAXIMUM TRIGGER :frogsiren: :frogsiren: :frogsiren:
Okay, serious. You’re far from the only person to confuse “its” and “it’s”, but it annoys me to see this anywhere. Here’s a simple trick: ask yourself if you can replace “it’s” with “it is”. If you can, use “it’s”. If you can’t, use “its”.
I feel like Hiro recovers surprisingly fast from being whacked on the head with a blunt object, though he stumbles a bit. The injuries are something I will touch on more down the line though. It’s not unforgivable because it lets you keep the battle at a momentum, but it should be mentioned.
“the final orb dissolved into being.” Actually “dissolved” would mean the opposite… dissolving is like, a spoonful of sugar dissolving in your tea. “Materialized” or a similar term would have fit here.
That police car just… pops in outta nowhere :psy: I would have liked a little more description, though I realize that with 600 words you can’t do a lot.
The police was a fair amount of wasted potential, I feel like. Again, 600 word limit, but I would have liked to see a bit more. As it is all that they did in your post was to shout, set up a bit of an obstacle and then run away. I LIKED what you did with them, don’t get me wrong. But I would have liked to see more.
Sage Post 2
“The Sage’s eyes widened as orb upon orb flowed out of Hiro’s arms, widening into a daunting array of crimson spheres. With a signaling swipe, the collection of mines began to flow together, concentrating before the hunter.”
The verb “flow” is used twice in kind of quick succession, and I feel like neither were really capturing the whole “orbs flying around” thing. I associate flowing with liquids though, so that may be just me.
Book? :frog: He pulls out a book that isn’t used? I would have loved to hear a little more thought of the Sage as to why he did that – what little you wrote got me curious for more (this is a good thing). Again, that might be something that I would understand if I read more of your posts.
The reaction to taking Chernobyl Packet felt very well described! Props for that.
“Hiro scanned the nearby area, the policemen would be back shortly, he needed to make sure the job was done.” Missing a word here… BUT he needed to make sure? SO he needed to make sure? UNTIL THEN he needed to make sure? Also, that first bit could have ended with a period. There’s no shame in writing short sentences :frogbon: Personal opinion, though.
You mention police lights. It’s an unexpected insertion… did the policemen from earlier come back? Is it the lights from the car? I see why you would insert them, but you just kinda left them there.
Very cool description of the Sage transforming and becoming more badass in the fight after that! This deserves extra props.
“come and you may see.” The Sage muttered, Hiro scoffed slightly and rushed into battle, tantos whirling in a blazing flurry of blows.
:psy: Several small grammar errors, I felt this sentence should be highlighted. Also as a note, if you end dialogue but continue the sentence thereafter, iirc you do ‘ “Blah blah blah”, stuff happening.’ Close the dialogue, then comma, then comes the rest of the sentence. For that reason “The” in “The Sage muttered” would also be written non-capitalized. *turns Grammar Nazi back off*
Finally! It’s an odd breaking point to end your post, but alright.
Hiro Post 3
Before all else, the momentum of the battle is still pretty fast despite how both characters are injured. I realize that it would turn boring if the accumulated injuries were played realistically, but most of them are dropped after a few lines. The wristcomp, broken glass sword and other “material” damages are accounted for, but what about all those hits Hiro took from the cane? Do none of them hurt? Did he not crack any bones, fracture his ribs or get a concussion? Hiro doesn’t even seem dizzy from that headbutt or the whack to his head. This holds especially true to after he uses his power-up: he seems to be back to peak conditions. /rant
Why does Sage not press his advantage? I realize it’s because #plot, but eh… he just stopped his onslaught after Hiro got a little distance for him in order to fight with words.
Picking up from where I left in my previous note: dialogue. Very nicely written, as the fight approaches its conclusion the two sides have one final word-duel… I like it. Also, that part where he gives his name. It’s kind of cliché, but still very well written.
Transformation sequence :frogsiren: Seriously, very well written and paints a clear picture.
The Cinematic move…
keptic: I realize that it’s meant to look cool and all, but wouldn’t Hiro have run into the bolas if he Burst Moved? I know it’s details, but it irked me a bit. Also it was a pretty climatic way of ending the post!
Sage Post 3
Well, I roasted Hiro for this, so now it’s your turn. While most of the injuries you describe take place there and then (an example being the cut from the Cinematic move of Hiro’s last post), they rapidly “disappear”. The Sage continues to fight in a pretty fit state despite having been cut and hit multiple times, especially by the Super Move that he took full-on, and having to be exhausted from the battle.
Again, I realize you are keeping the momentum of battle and keeping up with Hiro who doesn’t really play up his injuries either, so I can’t blame you too hard for this.
Injuries aren’t inherently anti-fun, guys :frog:
“The Sage realized he was holding his breath,
that was flashy, boy, but you botched it.”
Again, don’t be afraid of short sentences. Also, stringing them together like that doesn’t work in english grammar :poop:
I liked the dialogue and the Sage’s thoughts, however. They fit the scene and were placed at the right spots to round your post out.
“The glittering blade arcing over the edge of the roof and out of sight.” NO :rage: You do not –ing without a main sentence and a regular verb! And yes, more –ing. You guys (both of you) really should try ctrl-f for “ing “ to see how often you did that, I found it amusing.
Did I miss the Sage’s monocle being broken or why does he have to shut his eye to avoid the glass? It’s not from Hiro’s goggles, right? :psy:
It’s nice that you sum up the injuries in your post. But unfortunately you both have been ignoring them a lot. I see that it’s meant to lead to the conclusion of the fight, though.
And that ending. A last little trick pulled out of his sleeve… very cool!
This is going to be a close call. BUT! Only one can be the winner.
Hiro Protagonist
Word Count: 1 (Post 3, 607 words. Not penalized)
Time Call: 1 ([b]Post 3, ~7 hours late. Not penalized)[/b]
Missed Posts: 0
Quality: 5
I would have given more if you had done some description of the scene around you both. Nice to good descriptions of the characters, moves and overall scene, and some points for including the policecar into one of your posts.
Technical: 5
Good, fluid writing with the occasional bumpiness due to grammar or punctuation errors - refer to the General Fight Notes for details. For the most part I was able to read it in one go without needing to revise any parts.
Realism: 4
I was conflicted between 3 and 4 to be honest. The whole thing where injuries got ignored after a few paragraphs at most irked me bigtime. However I feel like your actions were well within the realm of possibilities of your stats and moves, and no moves felt too powerful.
Scale: 4
This one I struggled with because I'm not sure if I catch Failz's logic. I interpreted it as in the environment being included into the battle, things breaking around you and such, as well as portraying the potential consequences of each outcome - what if Hiro wins? What if the Sage wins?
Outside of the police car there was no real influence on the environment, not even a mention of breaking some of the pavement. The consequences were portrayed to some extent by Hiro's and the Sage's dialogue, but it was... lacking.
Skill: 3
Ehhh... there were no intricate plans, no surprising twists and turns, no elaborate strategies and no complicated moves. It was very much a clean back and forth - then again, this was mainly a physical fight with sword and cane clashing, there is not a lot of complexity to portray here. The portrayal of the Chernobyl Wipe Super Move was definitely a "wow" moments due to its great description, and the Cinematic move was also pretty cool.
3 points is a bit harsh, I guess.
Bonuses: 3 SP spent:
1x Super Move T1
2x Power-Up T1
= +1,5 points.
Penalties:
Both parties have agreed with me by PMs that they would either like to be judged based on skill only, or that they don't mind. As a result no penalties are distributed.
I would however still like to point the penalties out:
You went over the word count once, in your third post. You noted it yourself but regardless - limits. 600 words is way less than what it sounds like but you gotta deal with it.
Also on your third post, you passed the time limit by 7 hours. I know that real life happens and you get held up occasionally, but still. I believe that some judges take time limits quite serious, your opponent might even decide to write a post immediately after your time call ends, causing you to miss a post which carries a bigger penalty and casts a bad light on you during the judging process. Just something to remember for next time.
Well, enough lecturing.
Total Score: (5 + 65 + 4 + 4 + 3) / 5 =
4,2 + 1,5 =
5,7
Participant 2
Word Count: 0
Time Call: 0
Missed Posts: 0
Quality: 4
While you didn't really describe the cane or the bolas which I missed somewhat you did describe the scenery slightly more than Hiro (referring to streets, corners etc.) and including the occasional bit of info such as that book in post 2. Unfortunately this just felt "good", in that you described what there was to describe, and not really going beyond that to include something outside of the two characters and the most necessary. Hiro gets an edge here because of the police car thing.
Technical: 6
It's much back and forth between smooth/fluid writing, and bumpy writing with errors. However you are able to maintain a good flow of reading especially in the second and third posts, and in certain spots I can really note the effort put into a particular segment.
Realism: 5
While there was some issues with ignoring injuries in favor of maintaining the momentum of the fight, I feel like you portrayed those issues decently well. The power-up as a way to make a comeback after the Super Move also aided in this (although to be real, power-ups don't heal you). The moves also felt realistic and balanced.
Scale: 3
(same as Hiro)
This one I struggled with because I'm not sure if I catch Failz's logic. I interpreted it as in the environment being included into the battle, things breaking around you and such, as well as portraying the potential consequences of each outcome - what if Hiro wins? What if the Sage wins?
Outside of the police car there was no real influence on the environment, not even a mention of breaking some of the pavement. The consequences were portrayed to some extent by Hiro's and the Sage's dialogue, but it was... lacking.
Skill: 2
The only wow moment is the comeback after the power-up and the ensuing period of ass-whooping. The last trick with the sun to gain an advantage was... yeah, I guess it was nice to include, but other than that it was a pretty straightforward fight with no surprises or twists.
Bonuses: 4 SP spent:
3x Power-Up T1
1x Healing (1)
= +2
Penalties: 0
All was within the word count and time limits :frog:
Total Score: (4 + 6 + 5 + 3 + 2) / 5 =
4 + 2 =
6
WINNER: The Humble Sage.
Now, not to sound like I am a teacher trying a cliché motivational speech, but you both wrote a great fight as pretty evenly matched opponents (as shown by how close your scores were). I say that with a little fine-tuning of grammar, including the environment (you had Random Elements enabled, use them!) and addressing the other little issues that I mentioned, you can improve even more. Big props to both of you.
I'll get started on the damage allocation in a minute, and jot it down in a separate post for you both (unless Sage wants to kill Hiro, in which case damage allocation for Sage only).
![[Image: MZSDl2O.jpg]](https://i.imgur.com/MZSDl2O.jpg)
![[Image: Rnk00x5.gif]](http://i.imgur.com/Rnk00x5.gif)