Faction Quest: Hand of the Empire [Complete]

[Rave]

>>Link<<

Quest complete! *levels up*

Hope it's good enough. It was a blast to write.

[Atelos]

I'll be doing this quest over the next couple of days unless someone beats me to it.

[Atelos]

5000 words? Check, it is actually 7354 Words. (Side note, I am not considering the Diary Entry nor the Flashback to the 23 Second war part of the quest)

Captured Rebel Prime, Check

Besides the stipulations I'm grading on the basis below.

Style-The flow of the work and the way it sounds. Does it sound good in a sense and was there anything that detached me from the story? The things you do to create the story and the literal words you use.

Grammar-Basically what it says. Are there a lot of grammar errors or are there none? This can vary to actual punctuation to sentences and etc.

Story-Does the story make sense plot wise? Does it have a beginning, a conflict, a rising action,, Etc.

Awesomeness-Do I enjoy reading it and was I interested in the story? Is it thrilling and does it engage the reader.

Believability- I feel like this should be a separate section of its own. Do I believe that these things would happen or was it forced to fit in with your plot? Did your character God-Mod a bit?

Each section is worth four points and Since this is an easier quest i'm having the cutoff at 10 which should be an average score.

My Scorecard

Style: 2 The way you write is very nice, even though you tend to repeat descriptive words that give the reader no additional information. This is purely the way you write and the way you put your words together and I feel like you put this very well. You manage to convey Rave's thoughts very well through your use of words and I enjoyed the literal sense of reading your writing. However you use a lot of commas, periods, and short sentences that make your sentences have a choppy feel to it. While this may belong in grammar I think it belongs in style just because of the way it makes the sentences feel and sound.

Grammar: 3 Not that you actually had any severe grammar problems most of it was fine except for the already noted extensive use of commas and short sentences. The rest, seemed to be fine.

Story:1.5 I feel very lost in the beginning and I have no idea but I just wander through the story until about the middle where that's when i finally understand what's going on. Once I understood what was going on I felt much more interested in the story. I'm also giving you this due to the fact of you over-hyping the upcoming "fight" between you and Neon. Reading this I was so excited for the big finale to the fight that was so obvious was coming. Especially how you set the charges and Neon did not arrive for a couple of hours, I was so ready for the fight. And then you handcuff him…and then the story ends and it's just a little let down. I was hoping for a big finale but I was left a little disappointed. This score would be much higher if there was actually some conflict.

Awesomeness: 2 Not to say that this story was a bummer to read, quite the contrary I felt entertained for most of the story but the ending just left a sour taste in my mouth. I just was so let down by that ending, while everything else was nice. Also you created a break in continuity with the Diary Entry and The flashback and I had to reread them several times before I finally understood what that was and it kind of killed the mood without you giving any warning.

Believeability: 1 I haven't read any of your previous threads so I'm going to assume your companionship with Biggs and Wedge had led up to that kind of relationship so I'm going to ignore that. Also, I had a hard time believing the ease that you had with
A) Arriving to a supposed dangerous Gangster's turf without alerting him and being able to take out his scout and send him scurrying. You had two stormtroopers in all white, kind of noticeable. I think a dangerous gang would notice Empire soldiers. Besides this is Tier 5 where dangerous gangsters are all around, she should encountered trouble when people noticed the two out of place stormtroopers.

B) Again the amount of ease you had in capturing Neon. I know he cares for his people but would he really just give in just because you sent one scout scurrying? AGAIN, he should have put up a fight. Even if you were planning on pulling the nice guy stunt he would have fought for his people. Maybe have Rave display her power to him or have him i don't know do anything before he surrenders? Make him forced to surrender rather than given a choice entirely due to one man's word. Especially after she says that they most likely are going to kill them it seems out of character at least.

Total: 9.5/20

Now while your score should be much, MUCH higher it is this way solely due to the fact of the ending and the choppy beginning. The real score should be around 14. You will not get the OM and the increased influence with the empire YET!

Since you are so close to reach the requirement AND the real score should be much higher, I will give you the option of posting another post, giving me some action that would boost up your score significantly. If you post the fight scene, attempted escape scene, anything that has any conflict or action in it, I will read the NEW ending and will determine if you succeed the quest or not, which will most likely be a yes.

However, if you do not wish to write a new ending I will write an escape scene for Neon and you will ultimately have failed the quest.

[Rave]

Okay. It's been, like, a year and a half. But I changed the ending, and I hope you like it.