Thread for Ez to help me out , and others too

[Eda]

yo

[Ezrihel]

Okay, so in regards to the New Beginnings: Magic in Mokugakure thread, I've noticed a few things that I want to point out.

Dialog

" That is weird you know , that is really strange and unusual . You really shouldn't do things like that , its just bizarre . Then again I should expect that from you huh , at least Andyra is mostly normal . " 

This would flow better if written more along the lines of, "That's weird you know; it's just really strange and unusual. You shouldn't do things like that... It's just... Bizarre-- Then again, I should expect things like that from you-- but at least Andrya's mostly normal."

I say that because this simply sounds more organic and flexible, like a real person's response to such a topic.

" I have no intention of dying or getting anyone killed , that is a promise . I don't break promises , that is just the way I am . I also got some information on what else is out here , the hostile things we can run into and such . Its largely Orc and goblin , although there are giant bugs . Why do there have to be giant bugs " 

Okay, first, questions should be ended with question marks. Punctuation is a huuuuge peeve of mine for the most part. It's the instructions on how to read a specific sentence. Without it things can get pretty confusing.  Punctuation always goes inside the quotation marks as well, though you didn't do that in this specific post, I thought that I should still mention it.

"I have no intention of dying or getting anyone killed. That's a promise and I don't break promises." She paused for a moment before continuing, "I also got some information on what else is out here, the hostile creatures we might run into and such. While it's largely Orcs and Goblins, there are giant bugs... Why do there have to be giant bugs?" She groaned the last part more so to herself than her party members.

" I am the odd girl out in this one , I would not want to go back to my old self in the slightest . I was just a normal girl you know [...]" 

Okay, using those as examples, your dialog is suuuuper stiff. It just reads in a very choppy manner. "I-would-not-want-to-go-back-to" and "I-am-the-odd-girl-out-in-this-one". That is how I read those two lines from just the above quote. I think the issue here is that you don't don't really use contractions from what I've noticed. While, this can be fine for a character meant to be a robot or an extremely monotone character, it doesn't really seem to fit with Eda that well.

The reason for that, from what I understand of her at least, is that Eda is a human. Her dialog sounds so stiff because, as humans, we tend to shorten words and slur things and use various types of slang, yanno? People typically, unless really stressing a specific part of a sentence in order to make a point, use contractions. 

"I guess I'm the odd girl out this time. I wouldn't really want to go back to my old self in the slightest. I used to be normal, to, you know."

Description/Characterisation through action

Both of the poor secondaries were left speechless by their actions , and Eda turned her gaze away from them . Not wanting to show how appalled she was at the idea of such a thing she was . Turning away from them in the direction of the village gate , her voice not finding her . She said not a word as she prepared to go on ahead , she did not need this kind of stress . She was really not okay with any of that , she dealt with enough of that on set back home . Two of the girls back then were an item and she hated seeing it even back when that was her life , she had hoped to avoid it here . However here she was stuck seeing it again , she continued to walk ahead of them . 

You kinda "turn away from them" twice. I know the first time it's just your gaze, and the second time you actually turn your body to face a different direction, but a better way to word this would be:

Both of the secondaries stood there, made utterly speechless by her actions. Eda averted her gaze, instead turning to walk towards the village gate. Unable to find her voice, she attempted to hide exactly how deeply she was appalled by such an idea, but her mask was slowly slipping away from her grasp. She remained in a state of complete silence as she began walking forward. She didn't need this sort of stress in her life right now, and she felt highly disturbed by this entire situation. 

She had dealt with such things enough while on set back home. Two of the women on her production crew had been an item, and she had hated seeing how they interacted even then. Now her hopes of avoiding such things here were absolutely dashed as she was once more stuck seeing it again.

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So these are just some examples I was trying to give you. If you'd like, I wouldn't mind continuing to give you or anyone else help with writing.

[Eda]

Yeah I am seeing where I am hitting snags and flaws now , now to try and improve a bit from there . I am sure the others in my little group might ask for some help later haha