Greg - Critical Jerk

[Omni]

I'm starting a C&C thread. But there's a twist. I'm very bad at complimenting people, and I always end up not replying to C&C because I feel I have to be nice. So here I will tell you just what's bad about your post, and what I think could be improved if applicable. That's it. Don't expect a prompt response or a detailed analysis, but I will critique ANYTHING be it a storyline or just a post, as long as it's from the Omniverse - I read everything on the site anyway. Any takers?

[Magus]

Um, yeah?

If you wouldn't mind critiquing my/Link's current campaign in Camelot.

http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=240

And I guess... just my contribution unless Link says otherwise.

[Omni]

It's been a while since these posts so I had to reread them and refresh my memory. Here are my thoughts.

Your initial excursions are brilliant. I particularly like it when people seriously view things as their character would, as when Magus sees Dalaran and thinks Zeal. Magus is a strong character, you get a strong impression both of him and the world he's from from both his actions and and his manner of speech. There's not much I can criticize about the early parts. It's just very good writing.

The arrival to Dalaran is where things take a dip in quality. The ambush really just seems like an excuse for a fight scene. The retrospective attempts in your next couple of posts to add depth and intelligence to the ambushers actually make it almost harder to believe that they'd just attack for no reason some Primes immediately upon their arrival. It's just really random, and ends with conveniently almost no consequence.

That said, I do actually like that depth to the ambushers and it's certainly a hell of a lot more interesting than most fights. We learned a lot about Magus's character and motivations as well as the lengths he's willing to go to. It's just a shame you didn't give more buildup, perhaps have them tricked through some other means and give more reason as to why they'd chosen Link and Magus specifically. But I can certainly sympathise with the desire for random fight scenes.

You jump back up to high quality in the next post which does a nice job of showing what's going through Magus's head, being kind of 'evil' despite having been a 'good guy' for a while with Crono et al. I appreciated that explanation because I know that way back before I read it, the conundrum had crossed my mind. Ultimately, the quality and believability of your character will be determined by how you follow on from this. I'm looking forward to seeing you unleash the character's full potential. Genuinely excited when I think about what you might do with your writing ability.

[Magus]

That means a lot, Greg. Thanks.

And yeah, admittedly the fight scene didn't have enough... rationale behind it. I was trying to capture the madcap randomness of the Omniverse and kinda missed the mark.

I'd really like to pursue writing more seriously and I constantly get cold feet because I doubt my capability. It's encouraging to hear this kind of criticism; I appreciate it.

[Kenpachi Zaraki]

Dunno if this is still open, but I'd love some input on my stuff.

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