Training Mode Fight: Gamzee Makara vs. Adam Gaite

[Roger Smith]

In the mindset of getting as much practice in as possible for the upcoming tournament, and just in general, Gamzee and I have elected to beat the shit out of each other to do just that.

All we need is a judge so we know who kicked the other's teeth farther down their opponent's throat.


Word Limit: 800
Posts Per Player: 3
Time Limit: 48 hours
Random Elements: On
Damage Meter: On

The fight will be taking place on a glacier in the frozen fields.

Anyone who wishes to judge this bout of madness, step forward, I guess.

[Demetri Malius]

:frog: I volunteer

[Roger Smith]

If Gamz is cool with it, I'm good with Demetri judging.

[Gamzee Makara]

-waves flag-

[Roger Smith]

Fight thread is here: <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=4002">viewtopic.php?f=8&t=4002</a><!-- l -->

Gamzee can begin the fight on his first post, or we can start first round on my next post, whichever he would prefer.

[Roger Smith]

Last fight post has been made. Judge at your leisure, Demetri.

[Demetri Malius]

Alright, i might be busy today, so ill eaither have the results up tomorrow or friday.

[Demetri Malius]

Alright, so jut letting you guys know, you didn't make ti easy, both of you have some real talent, I could probably even learn a bit from both of you. :frog: (and I stole thaal's judging sheet cuz why not)

Adam is up first for his score sheet

[spoiler]Description and Clarity: 3.5

There is a moment of trying to get his aim back on track, the sight of his cleverly-concealed rifle dancing everywhere but where it actually needed to be, before there is a sound not that un-reminiscent of a dying cat and Adam departs from his former location with all the speed he can muster. Not even taking the time to turn around and really put some distance between him and the source of his very real panic, he simply rushes back and away, hovering backwards at what basically amounted to a swift jog. It wasn't fast enough.

Excellent descriptions. I was able to really picture what was going on and tell from your writing whenever Adam became worried, anxious, or even desperate. Throughout your posts there were constant instances of showing instead of telling and descriptions for each object or item that you brought attention to. You included enough bits of snow for me to consistently remember that we are in a snow barren wasteland:

Whump. Despite landing in snow, it was not as soft or pleasant a landing as it was always made out to be.

Voice: 4
Your voice is shouting a me throughout almost every sentence you wrote, and if anyone told me it wasn't you who wrote it, I'd call them a liar.

There is a faint, splintery crack, which as Adam realizes reminds him just a little of the sound of snapping particularly robust sticks. Then he is in the frigid air, sent spinning end over end, only to end up hitting the ground with a dull, fluffy thud. He rolls and flops pitifully across the snowy ground for several feet before finally the momentum leaves him. Along the way he has not only lost his grasp on his mostly useless -- for now, anyway -- primary weapon, the laser-spewing firearm lost somewhere among the snow, but has managed to nearly end up choking on his own breath from the immense, unbearable pain that had replaced his midsection.

That certain things you focus on and emphasize are extremely unique to you. You really convey the sense that Adam is desperately determined to get this troll of his back, one way or another, and how much he hates having to do so. There is also that unique way you introduce your own quotes. Instead of them standing separately on their own, you fully integrate them with the actions associated with them.

He had a moment to notice the clubs were raised up, overhead, looking to come down on Adam's head, and Adam gives a panicked yelp of "No...!" and swipes his lightsaber up to intercept a blow that never really came...

Character: 3
Your character reacts to Gamzee's attack pretty much exactly how you would expect him too. It really solidifies Adam's uniqueness, making him a believable character.

Faygo. Seriously. The fuck.

Sparing a look down at the pineapple stain on his chest, Adam's expression briefly flashes to one of intense "are you serious" before darting back up to look at Gamzee....only to find himself staring down a face full of crazy, now waaaaay too close for comfort. Adam doesn't even have time to let out an "OH FUCK" of pure terror, merely swinging his arm up to intercept the blow coming for his head.

This was one of the strongest points in your posts, in my opinions. Not only is it an example of great voice but your character's personality really shows with it. The reader really puts together their own "are you serious face", and I even stopped to really think about your character's reaction. However, your motive get's a little lost besides survival in the midst of battle. You give a small sense that Adam is simply tired of everything, but other than that, you don't get too much of a sense of his motives.

Story: 2
For the fight, we aren't given too much info on why these two characters are in the middle of a frozen wasteland, and we aren't given too much as to why they are fighting each other. It seems as though Adam's aggravation simply gets the better of him and leads him to challenge the nearest person, who happens to be a troll that brings up some bad memories. This also played a part in your character's motive, as I mentioned before. Perhaps you could have had Adam take a moment to step back and think about whether or not it was even worth initiating this fight.


Grammar and Spelling: 3

This is the clerical work of the body of work. Spelling, punctuation, grammar and anything else that can be considered technical goes into this section. Generally every major grammatical error per 500 words moves this section down one grade.

Though you seem to have instances where you use the ellipses well, there are some areas in which it is unnecessary.

Sparing a look down at the pineapple stain on his chest, Adam's expression briefly flashes to one of intense "are you serious" before darting back up to look at Gamzee....only to find himself staring down a face full of crazy, now waaaaay too close for comfort.

There is a sound not unlike air being rapidly let out of a balloon, and Adam just kind of....falls backward, seeing, quite literally, sparks thanks to his daze, as the clubs smash against each other in the space where his head had been just moments before.

A simple comma or a filler phrase could be used instead, as ellipses are meant for words trailing off, not necessarily for pauses. One correct way you used it was here:

He coughs. An unpleasant taste accompanies it. "Please don't be blood..." is the only rational thought to come to his mind.

There were also a few other typos, like the OH GOOD instead of OH GOD, and also one or to comma errors.

There is a brief look of intense disgust before Adam hits the ground, sending snow flying every which way, and earning a sharp, pained exhalation of protest, his already aching midsection crying out angrily for violent retribution.

Too many commas, second one could be omitted for it to be correct.




TOTAL: 15[/spoiler]


Gamzee's score sheet
[spoiler]Description and Clarity: 3
You wrote some great detail on Gamzee's attacks and mindset, taking care to take Adam's actions into some account as well.

However, as his body touches the freezing snow, he notices a sharp stinging in his right side, just above his hip. He looks down, and sees that quite a bit of dark, violet blood has ruined the white canvas that he was laying prone on. The bullet grazed him, and damn if it didn't hurt like a motherfucker.

When the troll pulls his face out of the snow, he sees that Adam has drawn what appears to be some kinda laser sword. Gonna have to be a little wary of that nasty thing. Maybe the he can cauterize his wound with that thing. Ha! The juggalo pulls himself to his feet, chuckling at his own dark humor.

Well written and great attention to surroundings as well, I like how you really put attention to certain things in the way Gamzee would see it.

Voice: 3.5
You convey Gamzee's sense of pleasure and excitement with his fighting very well, in you exasperated style.

Oooooohhhh yeaaaaahhhhh damn that felt good. That sickening crack of club against bone. Damn if he hasn't missed that twisted feeling. Sweet contact.

You display Gamzee'z spontaneity and actions in your own tone, giving him a cheap and dirty light in his attacks and mindset.

Gamzee didn't even feel sorry for that literal low blow. Is what it is. If ya can't expect dirty don't play dirty, or something tactical like that. Technically, Adam hadn't played dirty yet, but his nuts were just there.

Character: 4
You really hold Gamzee's character true to his personality, and what he would do. He really is a lively character in what he does, with his nonchalant and confident attitude.

Stifling a yawn, the clown delves into the unfathomable depths of his pockets, retrieving a pineapple-orange Faygo. He takes a big ole swig of that wicked elixir, wipes his mouth with the back of his wrist, and tosses the plastic bottle at his now floating adversary. It bounces harmlessly off of his chest, but manages to stain some pineapple-y goodness onto the kid's GodTier attire. The Subjuggulator smiles a vicious smile, unafraid to show off his sharp, predator-like teeth.

"Whoops."

Quite the show there, with the pineapple Faygo. Then there was also the instance where he was shot by Adam:

The previously confident juggalo looks so apologetic, so sorry and remorseful for inflicting any amount of pain on Adam. Now he feels just as much hurt. Gamzee grits his teeth, tears in his eyes.

But alas...

The subjugglator lets loose a downright ferocious battle cry, a primordial roar of immense proportions right in Adam's face. Without another thought, Gamzee throws his assailant into the ground, sending quite a bit of snow into the air.

It really displays his personality, and you also worked his personality into his motive. Beat the shit out of this guy and have fun doing it. How he was upset he couldn't complete his combos, even when he landed an attack:

As the teenaged alien finishes out his head banger of an attack, he is a little dismayed that he couldn't finish it out at all.

And when Adam tried to "humiliate" him, at least in his eyes.

Gamzee's head snaps back into place, a look of supreme shock and betrayal evident on his features.

"Dude...You tried to quick scope me! You motherfucking-"

It shows how he was more focused on his own pride instead of the actual battle. Well written.

Story: 2.5
Like I said to Adam, there isn't too much story here. Although you did give Gamzee a reason to fight, which I complemented in the last section, there isnt much more than that. Understandable due to it being a mock fight. Gamzee accepts Adam's challenge and wants to just beat the crap out of him.

Grammar and Spelling: 2.5
there were quite a few typos and comma errors in your writing, but one thing in particular stood out to me, which was:

The tall troll is only barely able to hit the deck before this shot pierces his chest. However, as his body touches the freezing snow, he notices a sharp stinging in his right side, just above his hip.

It gives off the meaning that he was shot in the chest, instead that it would've shot him in the just. Perhaps just adding a bit more would help, such as: "before the shot could dare pierce his chest." or something along those lines.

As for the comma errors:

It's cold but that's all it is

Missing comma.

It bounces harmlessly off of his chest, but manages to stain some pineapple-y goodness onto the kid's GodTier attire.

Unnecessary comma.

There were also a few other ones. I'm sure you saw the your/your're mix up too. You also had a few elllpses that were unnecesary, like Adam's, in your dialogue.Nothing really was enough to interrupt the flow of reading it, so it's all mostly just technical stuff.

TOTAL: 15.5[/spoiler]

REALLY REALLY CLOSE :froggonk:

it was a tough fight to judge guys, I literally spent hours on this but I hope I was fair and not too harsh :froggonk:

[Roger Smith]

AAAAAAAAAW NUTS, MAN, I appear to have lost. But ah well, it was still a heck of a lotta fun! It was a lot closer than I might have expected, to be honest.

And Demetri, you pointed out a few things for me that I'm almost ashamed I didn't catch myself -- little proofreading never hurts, eh? -- but also a couple things I might have never missed. Those pesky commas and ellipses, man. Get me every time.

Good fight to Gamz, and good judgin' to Demetri! I feel like things were learned from this experience!

[Demetri Malius]

Yeah, I actually have all those problems myself, love me them commas xD. <<evidence here. But yeah, I actually went over when commas are needed and how often comma splices and stuff come up so I was really attentive to them. Someone had also pointed out that ellipses being used as pauses was a grammatical error, so i spotted those too. I would have definitely lost going against either of you in this fight. :frogsiren:

[Gamzee Makara]

:froggonk: :froggonk: :froggonk: :froggonk: :froggonk: I FUCKING CALLED IT I ALMOST WENT DOWN RETANE STYLE FUCKING GRAMMAR MOTHER-

-profuse, continued swearing-

-ahem-

-composure regain-

My god, I really appreciate the both of you. I definitely needed this before the tournament, without a doubt. Demetri, your judging was on point. As in, I you told me exactly what I needed to work on and didn't make it confusing by sugarcoating it and junk, and I really appreciate that. And Adam, dude, thanks so much for taking the time to train with me because this is basically a huge example of me SERIOUSLY NEEDING IT

And yes...You were right. I caught most of these as I re-read them after I posted them because im just a dumb. :froggonk:

Once again, thanks so much both of you guys. I plan to better myself.