Mr. Willickers Travels

[Guu]

Hello! I am Dan Willickers! You may know me from famed Yelp reviews. Or at least you did before they banned me.

Yeah, those Yelp people are oppressive motherfuckers. Call Tyrande a whore for not sleeping with me ONE TIME and they ban you for life! Well, it's for a number of things but none of them were important!

But it's cool. Now I can start this blog where I go further in depth on the places I've visited in my travels!

Maybe even get some extra pussy out of the deal. Bitches love them some blogs!

[Guu]

The Koopa Kingdom

I have to say, right off the bat, the location of the place is not suited for travel. The Koopas really should have considered the difficulty behind getting to the vacation spot before choosing that particular area. They weren't even accommodating at all! I mean true, they fed me, but I didn't see a single hotel room with full access to Tivo. In fact, I didn't see a single hotel room at all! They kept me in what looked like a prison cell for half the visit and what was a haystack for the rest.

The citizens weren't impressive. Yeah, they were oddly friendly considering they introduced themselves as evil, but they were incredibly inconsiderate. I mean, they were all turtles! Even the women were turtles! How am I supposed to get off to that? If they really wanted to be nice to me, they should had plenty of human women in their society. That would be super nice.

But no. They even took me to a hot spring, one that was clearly not run by the Koopa Kingdom, but by some oversized rock people. None of them were hot women either! Such a waste of a speedo opportunity!

In conclusion: The Koopa Kingdom didn't even try to be an amazing vacationing hotspot. I have no choice but to give it a:

0/5

[Guu]

Fishman Island

I have to say, I was impressed at the start as the guy who runs the place gave one hell of a speech going in that left me in tears. I really liked the concept of the place and what he hoped to achieve from it. Sadly, that's where the positives end.

First of all, I never saw a single fishman the entire time I was there. Usually I wouldn't complain as I saw plenty of human women because of it, but I don't get why they'd call it that if there are no fishmen! I guess it's a play off the words "Fisherman" but the place wasn't a seaport so that doesn't make sense either.

The people were nuts. The first woman I encountered not only didn't strip for me when I asked, but she outright attacked me! She seemed to want the drugs I was taking. I would have offered her some in exchange for her services, but that was really good drugs. Woah

The place really did like to protect their children though. They had like giant robots accompanying them everywhere they went! I guess when you have crazed druggies running around, that's the sort of th drastic measures you'd have to take. The thing tried to drill my face off when I got to close but thankfully that crazy women before decided to attack it first.

She's probably dead. Oh well.

Anyways, while I mostly had a shitty time, I did enjoy the ride in, and the drugs! So in this case, I give Fishman Island a:

2/5

[Guu]

I want to apologize for my last post.

You see, I made a terrible mistake and had gotten several factors incredibly and horribly wrong, and because of this, I may have given you misinformation.

I just want to say, I am deeply sorry. I care very much about getting the facts straight and I really dropped the ball on this one.

So, to everyone I wronged, here's my correction:


Those drugs I was talking about were not for general consumption. You see, when i saw wasps come out of my arm, I thought that was just hallucinations, especially after they stung people to death who were not me! I had no idea that actual wasps were coming out of my arm! That's frikkin' gross! That's gross and wrong, and they really should have put a warning label or something.

Anyways, with this new info, I change my score to:

1/5

[Guu]

Gerudo Village

I hope you guys appreciate my hard work, because this one took a lot of it!

In preparation for going to the Gerudo Village, I've poured hours upon hours of research into the people of that city. I've learned the native language of Arabic so I might fully immerse myself in the culture.

Upon entering the village, I was surprised how many women were lacking their traditional full body garbs. It was at this point, I realized that they were ALL women. I had come to the conclusion that maybe the women have finally overthrown the men in society and killed them all, creating a culture fueled by lesbian porn revenues. Coming to the realization that my life could be in danger, I was quick to put some pants on, cover myself up and don the best falsetto I could muster.

I tried to communicate with the local populace, but no matter how many times I said "do you want to suicide bomb with me?" in arabic tongue, I'd just get odd looks back. Maybe they aren't used to a white person speaking their native language so fluently?

Well, frustrated at the fact I was going no where, I decided to try the castle to get an official visit in with the King. But once again, the guards only gave me blank stares when I tried to demand an audience.

Desperate, I did the same thing that got me an audience with Lady Tyrande: climbing through a bathroom window! However, some woman was already taking a shower in there and she quickly kicked my ass on the spot. On the plus side, I managed to escape and got to see a naked woman for a change!

...not that I don't already see them all the time of course.

Well, I had a terrible time, but because I don't want people to think I'm a racist, I'll give this place my highest score of:

3/5

[Guu]

The Astral Realm

What the fuck is wrong with this place?

Okay, first off, traveling there is expensive as hell. I mean, 500 OM? I could buy like four dataverse devices with that! Not to mention, I did not know that I was only astral projecting myself into the verse! I mean, how was I supposed to know I was leaving my body behind?

I mean, I tried to use this to escape meeting my girlfriend's parents but they just thought I was sleeping at the dinner table! Now she says she wants to break up with me and her folks impaled me with a goddamn spork! They didn't even have the decency to attack me with a real utensil!

Astral Realm! I'm sending you the hospital bill!

The verse itself blows. I mean, it started out great. I was surrounded by hundreds of women who worshipped me and were half naked and stuff. Then they all suddenly turned into my mom and they were all still half naked. They were all yelling at me in unison how I was a bad boy and needed to be punished. I can't believe the tenacity of the Astral Realm, going through the trouble of cloning my mom again just so I could relive horrible past experiences! The entire thing was triggering as fuck and the verse should have been more considerate of MY feelings!

To make it worse, my doctor put me under as he was dislodging a spork out of my colon and I find myself in the Astral Realm again! This time, it thought I needed to relive the days when my moms forced me to power the house by hamster wheel for a month. Seriously Astral Realm, I live in the NOW!

I do not recommend the Astral Realm to ANYONE! It's a piece of shit verse! I will never go there again, I wouldn't even dream of it!

0/5

[Guu]

Cinnabar Island

My god, I mean, what the hell?

So I go there, and my boat is busted up by giant sea monsters. I come ashore to get my ass beat by a fire monkey. I was saved at the last minute by some duck with lava on it’s head.

You’re head’s spinning already, isn’t it?

Anyways, the duck lead me through town. She claimed to be a woman, but I didn’t see any titties on her. She took me to this large fair thing where they were fighting animals. I’m serious, real animal fighting! I saw one kick another in the face! It was awesome!

After the fights, he took me to the main booths. They had some traditional Japanese thing going even though not a single one of them looked asian. Cultural appropriation much? Probably worse, like they could be stinkin’ Otaku.

For the record, I’m not an otaku, I’m an anime enthusiast.

Anyways, she took me to a party. Not a looker in the bunch. Not even shocked anymore, Omniverse is the worst when it comes to hot chicks. We all get totally plastered together as we sang a weird song about “being the very best“ over and over again.

Then finally, I find what it thought was a hot woman. She bought me more drinks, we spoke. She took me to his hotel room and we made love.

That bitch tricked me. Imagine my horror when i wake the next day to find I was lying next to a two foot pink cat thing. She already had an egg with her, she was claiming it was mine.

Okay, I’m 100% certain this cat thing is playing a prank on me, the hot woman just traded places the night before. And secondly, how can I possibly have a child with the cat thing? How could we have it the morning after? None of this makes sense.

Well, I’m going to settle this once and for all! I’m appearing in the Lady Meowth Show where they will do a DNA test to prove that I’m not the father!

Watch me make a fool of this bitch!

Go see what happens next!

[Guu]

So yeah, things got a little weird.

Cinnabar is a horrible place. I wouldn't suggest it to anyone.

But for me, well...

4/5

[Guu]

Mokugakure

Oh, a city with a giant tree in the middle. How original. Never seen that before.

The ninja city is a huge joke. If this truly was a ninja city, it would be a complete ghost town. But no, I could see the Ninja just walking around clear as day! Also, why can't they transform into dinosaurs, presidents, and volcanos? Such a let down!

My daughter, who've i've named Smug Lips seemed to enjoy the trees a lot, but she's way too easy to please. I've been trying to teach her higher standards. I mean, not a single diaper changing station in the men's restrooms!

Tsunade is hot as fuck. I want to touch those tits so badly, but my attempts end in broken bones.

Currently in the hospital. Thankfully, Smug Lips can use a phone, or else I couldn't get this review out. Beaten the system!

1/5