Let's Read: Book Club #15

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you'd like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn't need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful 'to you' it certainly doesn't make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn't mean you can't criticize, but there's a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions, don't say something about the topic is 'wrong' or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member's next post for them: be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you're free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting, I wouldn't recommend making a 'scoring' scale. This isn't competitive and you're not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 100 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim, especially the wordy topics, you're likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don't want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don't make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you're just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused, I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don'tPlease.
  
• As a final point: yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don't do it for some reason).

This Club's Player Picks

• Enemies Without, Enemies Within
  Whirda would like any and all opinions and suggestions about this thread as he will be shaping some of Darkshire's future lore.
  
  
• An Unexpected (?) Anomaly
  ***Carn asked for C&C of his thread***
  
  
• Gloomy Town
  ***Deadpool asked for C&C of his thread***
  
  
• Hero Meets Unhappy Camper
  ***Nominated by Sasuke*** -Carried over from the previous Book Club-
  
  
• Four Tasks of the Chosen
  ***Nominated By Strazio*** -Carried over from the previous Book Club-

Sarah's Pick:
Primordial Weapon
You only have to read from the post I linked until the end of the battle. My opinions are already out there in the form of the judgement I did for the fight, but I'm sure everyone that particpated would love to hear from the rest of the member base as well.

That's all happy reading~

[Deadpool]

Just wanted to say, I might have given you the wrong link; the current one forwards you to the very last post.

Here is the link that will direct people to the beginning of the thread: <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=19&p=21401#p17109">viewtopic.php?f=19&p=21401#p17109</a><!-- l -->

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Fixed.

[Trixie]

@Deadpool

I finished Gloomy Town. I must say you write him really well. From what I know about Deadpool you seem to portray him perfectly. I absolutely love how your companion is the Gingerbread man from Shrek. (or at least that's how I see him). This isn't a criticism or a negative thing, but in this post there are some broken color brackets that result in the code being displayed and the color not going through. It was an interesting read. I liked how it felt like I reading a comic book that Deadpool was in. Your clever use of 4th wall breaking and humor had me laughing through all of it. Deadpool drawing on Gingy's face with a marker was hilarious. Your descriptive ability is good as well. I was able to follow your character as if I had a third person view. Everything from the entrance into the Pale Moors and their arrival at the Inn with the busty Innkeeper. I could visualize every action and every layout with minimal effort. It just flowed. Good stuff man. Keep it up.

[Thaal Sinestro]

@Whirda

Hey friend, I really really liked this. The tension of the scene was very palpable. You made the awkwardness and the difficulty of the situation very real, very human. You didn't describe most of the village, but I could already had a really firm sense of the place. I saw a dim fog in the pre-dawn light, I saw old, sagging wooden structures, I saw underdeveloped cobble streets. I think giving us a few more little bitty details like you have, you can create a more coherent setting.

The ONLY downside I have with this post as far as plot goes is that you killed what might have been a big character in somebody else's plotline. Van Helsing is a pretty big deal. I DO like the way you wrote him though. "Although Dobson knew it was not meant for him, he still found it accusing," was my favorite line. It fits right into his roll. I think that even more about Dobson's relationship with Van Helsing would be awesome. Don't have to be flashbacks, but you can have little quips how they used to be. Having a painful memory of an old friend is a col way to go at it.

I really like the way you laid out the city so far. I think there's a lot of room to grow. Just remember to not lock every detail down, leave a bit of room for other writer's to breathe. I don't think anything, as it is, would get in the way of anyone else's writing though, so good work on that.

Ok, as far as the actual writing goes: It was mostly really really good. At times it felt a little flat, but most of it was great. A little bit of the bright descriptors went a little wide of perfect, but most of it was really good. I don't want to say htat there are big themes of badness, like at all. Most of it was great.

"Tears like fat beetles crawled down his cheeks. In front of him, someone had jammed an iron gibbet into the ground with enough force to shatter the cobblestones like so much glass, and pierce the soil underneath." I would say was you most ambitious, had the most heart, and also sadly came the shortest on delivery. "So much glass," is probably the thing that I have the most contention with, not because it doesn't fit the genre or the moment, but because it just didn't have the flair the rest of your writing has. Also, I feel like the beetles line was good, but also needed.... SOMETHING. Some more commas? A bit more wording? I love the idea, I loved the visual, but the way it read in my head kinda stumbled for me. Maybe I'm just crazy.

Overall, everything was awesome, the pacing especially. Tension comes from pacing, and this thread had tension.

[Lubbock]

@Whirda

I really liked that thread there. It gave that kind of murder-mystery feel you would find in a realistic setting rather than a fantasy one. The makeup being left upon the Prof.'s face was a rather creative way to leave a clue, instead of the usual hair or blood. There weren't too many negatives I found, apart from grammar, spelling and format. I found that you spelled Karl's name as 'Karl Jax' rather than 'Karl Jak'. Whether this was deliberate or not, I can not tell. In that same area when the posters are being described, the italics were left on when it said 'they trumpeted.'. The final negative I found was you said 'footsteps' twice in 'As the recruit's footsteps receded down the street,'

I believe you made an awesome post there, and I can't wait to see what else Dobson has in store for us.

[Gildarts]

An Unexpected Anomaly

I like titles that ask questions. Some more subtly than others, but it is intriguing and directs the reader in what he or she should be looking for. A long while back I remember Lopunny’s “The Price of Freedom” the title sticks with me even now and I recall distinctly what I have read. Maybe this is a personal thing, or maybe I just like to answer my own questions? Either way, I like the title because it got me seeking. And not just for an answer.

I was really excited to get the chance to read some of your work, we’ve talked in chat a little and I wanted to get to know your writing style too. I like how this topic starts off well paced and as a reader I found myself wanting to know more about Carn. Alone in the Nexus, isn’t it they say we are truly who we are when we’re completely alone...? Well... Almost alone.

Whoa, Carn gets shot at because he is mistaken for a monster? That certainly sounds anomaly-esque to me. I like to think that I get better with every sentence I write, if not every post. I noticed you progressing as well in this topic and thought I should mention that I think you have something great to grow off of. Carn is quite original in his actions, and he’s entertaining like nothing else. For some reason, I feel like you captured a really good ‘lighthearted’ vibe to the monstrous anomaly, and it blends really well with the character as well as the events that surround him. It can be hard to establish a good perception of your character with your audience when you are first starting out, especially when you have a character less-known or original.

Seeing a little insight on how Carn perceived his transportation here, was a little helpful for me getting my mind in the original character. This thought trail was left to the readers in first person, so I can’t help but to ask whether it was something to sort of... tease the audience, or just a little picture into his mind. I personally favor the way you do first person, because who doesn’t want to get into the mind of a monster? Terror? Destruction? Merely the effects of perception.

Anyway... Hope to see the first person in the future (as highlights?), I really liked it.

”I don't want to be stuck in the middle of a fight trying to figure out how to make a bandana now, would I?”

I read that as a banana for some reason. This made me laugh. *Insert Doctor Who reference here*

Carn has some great reactions WHICH I LOVE, so as an audience I found myself being entertained. He’s charismatic in his own way and conducts my attention well. It’s funny that you cater to the audience as Carn, I suggest DP’s threads in response to that, where he uses some good vocabulary, granted these are rather mature, it might be cool to see you guys interact -perhaps in DA then?- but I like it, Carn’s cool and I can see where he will develop his place more into the Omniverse as he starts to establish himself.

As for improvement, I might suggest double checking the flow of your sentences a bit, this only happened a few times at the beginning, but I found myself not being able to completely grasp the full extent of action that Carn was doing. Clarity can be easily helped with a little bit more description or just remembering that the reader can’t always know what is going on in the writer’s mind. I know I’ve learned this the hard way.

For some reason Carn strikes me as ‘cat-like’ or maybe a kitten. Yes, a cute diabolical little kitten. This string? Sure, I’ll play with it, but first, let me set it on fire. Ya, know? For the extra flare? To see someone so lively in the Omniverse is certainly a refreshing take on a character incorporated with fun narration.

It just occurred to me why Carn reminds me of a cat, it’s the smile of a Cheshire Cat.

Did Carn eat a whole buffalo ? Like all by himself? I want free food, give me the hook-up man! But seriously, I liked that you took into account hunger, because that makes the monster slightly more humanized, (and at the same time, Raw) as an already strong and distinguishable character might need for aided perspective.

All in all, it was a good thread, and a great start off post for the new Prime! Carn’s character is awesome, and I’ll just leave it at that.

Gloomy Town

I have to say, with the mature tag I wasn’t sure where the thread was going, but with the first obstruction of the forth wall that I noticed, I was quite amused. Some of the dirtier jokes went over my head, but all in all I found that you captured Deadpool’s persona impeccably.

Getting into writing and style, I’d say you’ve aced those too. You have a great vocabulary and have integrated a lot of ‘show’ into the feeling you want the reader to take from the action. This is a great skill to have and it makes the reader enjoy even the little things that you choose to describe.

Gingy has a nice role, other than just being a gingerbread man, he actually serves as a bit of a ‘normal’ compared to DP which emphasizes the confidence in the actions he displays, as well as the frankness of his dialogue. This works in DP’s favor, as it also makes him more noticeable, not that a man in a red suit isn’t already striking enough.

Throughout the storyline, I found myself chuckling at the things I knew, DP played off of Gingy well, as the perfect skeptic gave DP a bit more purpose.

All in all, Deadpool is hilarious, this was a great thread to show DP’s motivations, as well as lead the reader into his next voyage: Dante’s Abyss.

Hero Meets Unhappy Camper

Neal starts this off really well, using his senses to describe the scene as well as relating it back to his origins, I really like the tone this started off with and Neal has a very unique quality about him that I felt myself wanting to learn more about. Given that Neal is from earth, it might be cool to have a brief interaction with Deadpool (wooo second recommendation!) just because he knows things that other Primes don’t, similar to Neal. Their perspectives might clash on a few things though.

Lokarri’s interaction with Jonathon was quite entertaining, character’s like that can be informational as well as add any dynamic you want your character to be exposed to. I like Lokarri’s look (as well as his name, but I think I’ve mentioned that before) as well as his backstory. It makes sense as well as feeds into any questions the reader might have, I like that you also brought him to the Omniverse at a crossroads in his life, tragedy and purpose sometimes go hand in hand. Anyway, back to the story! Neal and Lokarri have an unexpected meeting.

The way they interact builds a good foundation for their communication. With shared food around the fireside came shared history, Neal and Lokarri exchanged stories as well as customs, Neal describes Earth in 2015 in terms that Lokarri might understand, and it sounds almost poetic, in a tragic sort of way. As the two reminisce a bit, I can’t help but to feel a bit of a romantic vibe -no, not that kind- but mainly just the sentimental feeling of homesickness. It was well put to words and I could appreciate learning more about both characters as well as where they come from.

HOLY CRAP! Action interrupts their dinner/peacetime and the ravenous wolves were coaxed in by the smell of pizza. Lokarri shows some kickass skill (expected of a Hero) and you described the action taken really well. I felt inclined to read more to find out what Neal and Lokarri would do after his injury, as well as to deal with the rest of the wolves.

Neal too explained his action and deliberation well, showing his hesitancy for his weakness with equal clarity as his next battle move. You guys really painted a good picture so that the reader could imagine what the two Primes were seeing, and how they reacted in the face of horror.

I like the post-battle dynamic, I really get a sense for each character and I like how they are both polar (Neal is outgoing and frank, whereas Lokarri is a bit quiet and trained) which are good reasons for them to stick together or meet up later in their travels.

Enemies Without, Enemies Within

I like the way the beginning trailed in, as though the reader was following the clues with Dobson himself. Even though he isn’t explicitly described in the thread, ie “black hair, authoritative personality” I feel like his reaction is enough of a tell for the reader to understand him. Dobson’s a cool character, and in the second post he comes off as a bit of an opportunist. His strategy skills are actually quite right, with all the primes gathered in one place, chaos or the worst could happen in the absence of the dependable primes and their power. I look forward to seeing how Whirda responds to Dobson’s desperation, as well as how she has changed/ evolved since I last read about her.

Suggestions: You’ve got a good thing going. I liked what I saw at the mention of Van Helsing and can see a possible association with Dracula in the future. I’m also interested in your future perception of the blight, which is far from over and quickly spreading to the Tangled Green. The thread implies darkness, even in a man’s soul, and I feel like Dobson has some up-and-coming importance.

Opinions? Hmm, well I think I’d like to see the conquests made by Shang and Atelos have some prevalent effect on the moors’ culture, or at least have some interaction with Whirda down the line. You guys are some strong, frequent Primes in the moors and it only makes sense that eventually you stumble upon one another at some point. Where that could be taken? Well, you could certainly strum up some more lore, (Shang even has a cool song!) inclusive of the Tarrasque.

You guys are the heros of the Moors as well as Darkshire (I didn’t forget Strazio! He’s doing a good job too!) and surely there could be some reminiscent leaks of Diablo from the Black Gate (that’s where I had Gildarts start to trace back to, and I strived to create an implied connection to the Blight’s origins in a small reference of it before he directly wandered into a contaminated part of the blighted forest). I could see a lot happening between even the surrounding verses, perhaps the undead and the vampires have some sort of ... understanding, (the power of the undead backed by the unmatched strength of Dracula himself?!) and the Blight’s extent has a reach that finally pushes people from the surrounding verses to do something about it? Such as the elves of Tangled, who very well could be suffering as their homeland is conquered by undead. NPC secondaries should be highlighted in the lore, they are the ones who record the history of the adventures and are the ones directly effected by the outcome. Casualties, illness, and other things of that nature are created into a changed lifestyle. How they cope with it and their perception can reflect the subtleties of which direction their civilization will grow.

There are plenty of avenues to take establishing history in, and I only threw out a few connections from the more publicized topics/ the threads I have read, but knowing what’s on your mind could help too. Feel free to shoot me a PM, as I’m interested in seeing what becomes of the Moors, and might get involved after DA.

Four Tasks for the Chosen

Chosen already knows I’m a fan of his work, the way he describes the icy tundra is incomparable, and never anything but extraordinary. He uses vivid imagery to pronounce the depth of what we readers attempt to fathom with the words we are given. I'm sure this is going to be a good read, but I'll have to do it after DA.

Primordial Weapon
I hope to be able to read this one as well, or if it carries over to the next book club that’s cool too.

[Sasuke Uchiha]

Are Bookclubs paused because of DA? It feels like we have been on 15 for a while. Make sense with DA, but I was just curious.

Anywho, for the next bookclub we do, I'd like to nominate Violet's, 'The Darkness Down Below'

1) It's Violet, so it's gonna be a great read!
2) She's in the UNDERVERSE!!!
3) I <3 Violet, so I'll be reading it anyway. (GIVE ME FREE OM!!)
4) That is all. ^_^

[Zelda]

No, this was left open to match up with the current fortnightly. A new one will be out on Sunday or Monday. Depends on my work schedule.

[Sasuke Uchiha]

No, this was left open to match up with the current fortnightly. A new one will be out on Sunday or Monday. Depends on my work schedule.

Oh awesome. That makes sense. Right on, well keep up the good work! I really appreciate everything you do around here! *Brown Noses* xD

[Guu]

Oh god, sorry this is so late x.x I’m usually bad with this on a normal week, but DA has been a complete distraction. I’ll have to do the shortest one so I could get something in on time… sorry… x.x;;;

Enemies Without, Enemies Within

Whirda! Time to read something from a famous role player! At least I assume you’re famous considering how people talk about you in the chat.

”Tears like fat beetles crawled down his cheeks.”

…and now I know where you reputation comes from. Bravo. *Applause*

Already in the first post you have sucked me in with amazing prose work. I’m already intrigued, I can tell you’re quite masterful in writing an incredible hook.

Seriously, still floored by how that was. In two short paragraphs, you’ve established the focus character perfectly. I liked when he had to check and make sure no one saw him cry.

Ooh, and ticking clock element with the storm coming too. My god, I’m going to be gushing through this entire thing aren’t I?

I like the hint that Dobson had to cover up the murder a bit, or at least hide the details from the general public.

Oh god, and the description of the head staring accusingly at Dobson… wow x.x You have so much creativity, I’m so incredibly envious!

Well, I feel bad for Dobson now. I hope he catches the killer! On to the next post!


Great reference to Dante’s Abyss towards the beginning there. Dobson has a really good justification to hate Karl and the games.

That kid is going to have a hard time sleeping tonight…

Oh god, that dilemma he had towards the end between his role as a leader and as a role as a friend…


My final thoughts, you are a fantastic writer, these two post blew me away. I’m glad to see why people mention you as a really great writer and to see that your reputation was quite well deserved! I’m glad I read this, even if it was for the wrong reasons (lateness.) Anyways, great job!

[Zelda]

This is now closed. A new one will be up either tomorrow or Monday! Moving to the Creative Corner.