Let's Read: Book Club #14

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you'd like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn't need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful 'to you' it certainly doesn't make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn't mean you can't criticize, but there's a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions, don't say something about the topic is 'wrong' or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member's next post for them: be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you're free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting, I wouldn't recommend making a 'scoring' scale. This isn't competitive and you're not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 100 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim, especially the wordy topics, you're likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don't want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don't make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you're just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused, I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don'tPlease.
  
• As a final point: yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don't do it for some reason).

This Club's Player Picks

• On the Run [Mami]
  ***Nominated by Sasuke***
  
  
• Hero Meets Unhappy Camper
  ***Nominated by Sasuke***
  
  
• In Blackest Night
  
  "The sorcerer Shang Tsung and the (bipolar) Spartan warrior Atelos have become trapped in Silent Hill with the paladin Argento on a mission to discover the town's secrets, where it is believed that you can slip into a different verse. Shang Tsung and Atelos are separated when the latter is 'taken' by unseen forces, leaving Shang to navigate a twisted nightmare version of the town. Hunted by a changing building and a mute monster, Shang barely escapes into the town, where he reunites with Argento and tries to pursue leads about the hospital, where he knows a secret is hidden. Along the way, he starts to run into strange individuals with identity issues."
  
  
  
• Where caged Wolves Lie
  
  *In the aftermath of 'Daemon and the Devout', Jon is captured and imprisoned by the imperial authorities, locked up soundly inside a jail cell. In this time, he's left to only procrastinate and keep himself sane by reflecting on himself, his situation, his home and what he remembers of his previous life... there's book and show spoilers galore here, so read at your own discretion*
  
  
  
• Four Tasks of the Chosen
  ***Nominated By Strazio***

That's all happy reading~

[Strazio Rockwell]

I'd like to suggest Four Tasks for the Chosen viewtopic.php?f=20&t=2112

The Chosen Undead undertakes a quest to gain access to the legendary Dwarfholm. Fantastic read with wonderful descriptions.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

This has been edited into the current Book Club. Thank you.

[Darth Vader]

A little blurb for my own thread, if you wanna add it in.

*In the aftermath of 'Daemon and the Devout', Jon is captured and imprisoned by the imperial authorities, locked up soundly inside a jail cell. In this time, he's left to only procrastinate and keep himself sane by reflecting on himself, his situation, his home and what he remembers of his previous life... there's book and show spoilers galore here, so read at your own discretion*

I'll edit this post with reviews later on, probably. Until then, happy reading everyone!

[Gildarts]

BC 14

On the Run

Immediately in the thick of action! What a rush, as the audience I even get the sense I’m on the run. Harry does a great job describing his predicament as well as painting a good scene for the battle to commence. I like Harry’s style because it is concise and fast paced.Harry’s character viewpoint and how the perspective of the chase comes into play initiated the series of events well; its fun, inventive and inviting to the reader.

Mami’s introduction post was great as well, if people weren’t following the suspense, she gave a pretty good synopsis of what was going on after she followed Harry, as well as defined her character as it progresses. Mami actually convinced me of some real terms of their chase scene when she referenced that from afar she couldn’t see to distinguish whether it was him or not. I liked that believability aspect and felt as though it was played well and with one sentence it referenced her previous adventures with Sasuke (and in essence how she got to be there).

The action begins with an amazing bang. It was really cool and the fast paced maneuvers made it really exciting. You guys both continue to write your actions in a very direct way (which is really good as well as comprehensive) and both of your styles are masterfully displayed. Each character stayed true to themselves and it was great to see a fight between such dynamic characters.

I can’t complain on anything because it all impressed me, but I guess if I had to mention something I’d say that the quotations at the bottom made me want to read them and pulled my eyes off the essence of your descriptions. The SP ones are essential to keeping track of ability and it didn’t pull away as much because it was fact based. So the necessary ones didn’t pull me from the fight.

The descriptions of the moves were great, I could easily imagine them and envision their purpose as they bounced off of the other person’s reaction. Mami does a great job trying to get into Harry’s head, as she discovers his power and will work against it for the entire battle to come.
ref

: ”Harry supposedly had power over ice and fire. Maybe the ice could dull the power of the fire?. . . Harry's words puzzled her, though she didn't let any of that show. The insane ramblings of this man, something about Titania and a knight,”

Nothing happens that takes away from the fight or distracts me in your word choice and syntax, I like each of the uniqueness displayed and really enjoyed seeing how each of you hashed it out. Harry’s reactions were entertaining, realistic, and really fit the context. This helped the reader both adapt to the events that streamed along with the action as well as put them into a perspective that really feels as though they are grinding against the adversity that each has endured.

Harry’s description is really well done and was optimized with astute definition. Some things that made it really interesting were that you are both ranged fighters (or at least have ranged moves) and the difference and contrast clashing made for a fair battleground: It was cool.

Harry’s ending was great, leaving some things left unsaid and yet kind of fitting. This was a great fight guys and you both should be proud of all the work you put into it.


Blackest Night

The beginning of this thread was really cool because it offered intrigue along the lyrics of a song of lore based off of Atelos and Shang’s previous adventures in Darkshire (like when they defended it from invaders in a previous thread). The story was alluring because of the mythical sense of the storytelling from the bard. Shang witnesses how the locals view him -perhaps as heros- but most definitely as defenders of Darkshire. It also was an innovative way to update the reader on what type of history had passed in Shang’s adventures in the Omniverse so far.

Shang and Atelos collaborate quite naturally as they enter the bar, grab a drink and catch up. Filled in on some crucial yet vague information, Shang is proven to be trustworthy, it seems, in the Spartan's eyes. The duo’s strengths and flaws complement each other nicely as they unite against the darkness of the Pale Moors. Their bond is natural and affirmed by their previous adventure on the battlefield as they continue to defend Darkshire. There is simplicity in it, and yet it runs deeper than words could form.

The integration of Argento was superbly done and their reputations were woven in perfectly so that there was a layered meaning that brought an enhanced sense of relevance to their prior actions and those to follow. Also didn’t know Shang was well versed with Karl Marx’s work, that one snuck in there gave me a bit of a laugh. Also Shang’s reaction to Proto joining the gang really got me, not sure if it was the gentle scraping of the forth wall (cause I know you admin both) or if Shang’s reaction alone was just badass.

“Great. Now there are kids here.”

WAIT is that Pyramid Head? What a shock to see him here. Well, him verses the Spartan, though I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because the PM are a dark and scaaary place even as Hades takes over the Spartan’s body. Anyway, later Blues and Shang find a mutual understanding as they exchange histories, it was interesting to see it put into words by each of their characters and makes me personally wonder what else they have in common. (Now that I think about it, even Atelos is “cursed.”)

When they arrived at Silent Hill and the mage committed suicide because of the contagion in the madness that consumed his mind, I thought that was well written and described almost perfectly. Atelos you seem to have an edge with internal chaos, not sure if it is primarily because of practice with Hades, but I think it comes off very well and it is comprehensive. The way you display the fray of sanity lacks monotony, it also seems to be granted purpose the way you illustrate and weave in the meaning or point that you want to get across (as well as what the reader should take from it). This also coincides with Hades who continues to threaten to conquer the Spartan’s mind.

It seems the Pale Moors have the ability to bring out the darkness in everyone, Shang backstabbing his party was a bit of a surprise. Had a DIO flashback when he killed Homura (for sustenance). Power offers Shang enough incentive to kill the secondaries and Ruby as well in the insane asylum. Though it has a good cover, as they could perish without the others knowing that Shang had killed them and taken their souls.

Meanwhile Hades is also taking advantage of the stagnant darkness that is the unconsciousness of the Spartan’s mind. You both did an excellent job describing the sanitarium and I personally was very creeped out by the atmosphere you illustrated. I was also planning to sleep tonight, so thank you. The absence of corpses make it even more eerie, as well as the particular state of the nurses. Let’s just say that the Pale Moors was the perfect place for this thread and the mystery surrounding Silent Hill. In order for their mission to be carried out, it was very realistic and it fits logically into the interests of Darkshire as well.

After their walkie-talkie conversation I actually get the feeling that Hades and Shang would get along well enough if they had to, Hades doesn’t seem to all out hate him because he’s competent and well, in some ways they seem mutually evil.

Its actually a surprise to see Argento has faired so well against the creatures of darkness. I know he is a powerful secondary but to think he’s the last one and he’s kicking ass like nothing else, its notable that he can hold his own, even if he hung around for plot purposes. He may be a religion obsessed guy but the fact that he can battle against something even Primes are having trouble doing shows Argento isn’t just another completely incompetent guy. I like the twist Atelos and Shang always put on the Pale Moors, there’s always an adventure to be had, enemy to slay, darkness to conquer... And it always brings a level of intrigue to see how the pair cope with the threats, as well as their motives that line up nicely against the beasts.

The all-out duel between Pyramid Head and Shang was really awesome and even after Shang escaped, he had a new problem: His own vulnerability. I was surprised to see his limits so quickly overwhelm him, because he had just killed that group of Argento’s people, but it made sense because of the climate/atmosphere of Silent Hill. It is a taxing place, not only mentally but the both of them (when Atelos didn’t vanish) repeatedly took on enemies in the sanitarium. Pyramid Head had even proven to be very strong.

Shang put a lot of effort into getting the map and seemed almost immobilized without it. It offers a little explanation to his strategy to survival; even though he doesn’t respect Argento in a higher sense, he still seems to want to get to the bottom of the business at Silent Hill. The hunt for souls continues as he is aided by a mysterious woman on a walkie-talkie, as well as warriors from his home realm which helps to fill in for the gap Atelos left when he vanished.

The thread actually ends at the hospital, which makes me want to read the next chapter of Shang’s valiant adventure, and I think I will.


Where Caged Wolves Lie

I think I mentioned a while back that I thought the title to this one was really cool, now that I’m reading it I think its even cooler. I like the beginning sentence, immediately it hooks the reader because of how vivid it is, and the strength of the reaction has an impact on the reader. Already I appreciate the concise descriptions you offer and I feel as though I can really get into Jon’s perspective because of them.

You have a great balance in your posts and sentences, which doesn’t overwhelm the reader and makes them want to read on. Jon brings intrigue and strength in his character as well as deviates from the norm of expectations.

The flashback made the post layered and I enjoyed the newfound information that assisted to tell the reader what was on his mind and what was in his past.

Dredd comes in, I think he was instrumental in the conclusion of the thread, but I was surprised Crona and the others didn’t come and try to help you escape (though that wouldn’t fit Crona’s character, or some other variables, and it might put them in league with the empire’s bounty hunters).

You described Dredd’s character really well, he wouldn’t just let Jon off the hook, nor would he do something without getting another in return. Call it incentive, you illustrated his harsh personality perfectly. Recruited successfully, I’m sure Dredd was as enthusiastic as he could be with Jon’s acceptance which shows a hint of nobility in his demeanor and might contrast with the previous mention of his political standings (a child born out of wedlock).

I really enjoyed this thread, it was superb and well-written, as well as gave some great insight to Jon’s character. I feel like I know a lot more about Jon after reading who he was when no one is looking. It shows the depth of his character, and perhaps more importantly, the depth of his mind.

[Proto Man]

Thank you for the awesome feedback! It is greatly appreciated.

Argento is a prime, though, not a secondary. Dunno if that's explicitly stated IC or not in that thread or a previous one.

[Gildarts]

Hmm, I don't distinctly recall it being mentioned, or maybe I just didn't notice or assign much relevance to it. I feel like it was implied though later on in Silent Hill (as he survived on his own) I just wasn't completely sure.

[Deadpool]

I'm gonna do In Blackest Night, because I read this entire thread about a month or 2 ago.


First off, I love how both of you (Shang and Atelos) have your characters perceive the world. It's really neat seeing a Spartan trying to figure out all of the new technologies around him. Also, Shang is just so evil, yet so calculative at the same time.

Also, you guys compliment each other very well. I love how both of you play off of one another. You both added very insightful writing with how one Prime looks at the other.

Things like Shang grabbing the gun to get a kick out of At's lack of technology was the perfect pinch of paprika.

I found myself enjoying the journey to Silent Hills just as much as the writing done while in the I felt like the execution of narrative and story-telling were exceptional. You two were able to make that filler-type scene very pleasant to read. I could feel the build-up brewing as you guys ventured closer to the thick fog.

Also, I thought it was pretty cool for Proto Man to make a cameo in the post. It's cool to see Primes running into one another during their quests.

Shang killing his little crew in the Sanitarium was just priceless. It gave the reader a nice look into how evil Shang can truly be.

Same with Atelos, when Hades took hold. Most of the time, I had split-personalities or anything close to it, but you executed it really well. In fact, well enough that I've actually thought of something similar with my alt because of how well you did it.

I wish Atelos would have stuck around a little longer, but its understandable to wanna go after an artefact. Shang did a good job of giving you an exit in the thread.


-------------------



So, now Atelos is gone . . . What does Shang do? He keeps being badass, that's what he does.

I liked how Shang's powers dominated some over time and usage, tot he point where he had to rely on his Assists (Tarkatan Warriors? Sorry if I don't remember the exact name). He somehow found a way to escape the Sanitarium, and then continue on outside.

Who does he run into? The one and only Argento, who apparently is a super powerful Prime--he was killing shit out there all alone! Its funny how much Shang despises Argento, yet Argento is completely oblivious to it.

Yet again, the filler stuff from between the Sanitarium and the motel area was awesome. Alex, that might be one of your greatest strengths--to make what most would think is uninteresting and making it a good read. I didn't feel like I was forcing myself to the next bit of action.

It's weird that Shang is a peeping Tom though, just saying . . .

Then, Piper shows up =o

It almost seemed like Shang got half-way molested in the alley, but the "damn" at the end of the post definitely alludes to him enjoying his little encounter lol.


Argento seems to uncovering more of the story as well, as he investigated the lake area.

Another mini fight there was cool as well. At times the fight with the "Warrior" seemed a little forced (as far as writing it out, action by action), but it was still well-done. "Warrior" mustve been quite powerful, because he made your Assist look like a bunch of cabbage-patch dolls.

Fight ended . . . for now(?)

Seems like the thread is still in progress, so this is all I'm really able to put now.

[Guu]

Sorry, could only manage one this time (better than the none we got last time.)


"On The Run"
“I didn’t ask for it be this way. I didn’t ask to be made!” -sorry

This is more a first reaction than an review. I hope it helps anyways. xD

I liked the sense of wariness from Harry’s first post. It’s a good bit of inflection though brief. I would have thought the local authorities would have given you hassle for just up and taking a boat like that, but I’ll let it slide. Stormtroopers after all.

Mami’s writing has very nice and picturesque descriptions to them which is a nice touch.

I’m guessing Mami was sensing Harry’s magic? If so, that’s an interesting interpretation of her soul gem abilities.

Mami is ever so friendly to her bounty. Hehehe.

Inner Gandalf. lol.

I love when players play up the misunderstandings that could arise from the setting. Mami thinking he’s a witch and Harry thinking she’s a fae thing (whatever he has in his universe) is a good excuse for them to fight.

The fight itself was fairly fun. I liked that Mami didn’t give herself the edge, she realistically was taken aback by the fire and ice attacks. She really did underestimate her opponent. At the same time, it wasn’t curve stomp as harry did get some hits from the shots. I do like that you guys played up the toll the combat took on your spirits.

Interesting Harry spared Mami’s life considering. I guess he’s normal self came back in eventually.

I really like the aftermath. You guys set the somewhat solemn tone well as you two parted, as well as the suggestion that Mami may face him one day.

Anyway, in conclusion, good read!

[Carn_Val]

No reviews from me yet but let me get this on here next time: An Unexpected(?) Anomaly
for C&C to be better at this since I just started less than a month ago.

[Zelda]

In case this isn't obvious: this is still open.

[PepsiWhirda]

Would this be the place to nominate Enemies Without, Enemies Within for the next book club? I'm cleared for some creative freedom with the hierarchy and future of Darkshire, and I'd love if more people had a chance to read it and offer their suggestions. That way I can get multiple ideas from the community into the story.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Yes it would. I'll have the next Book Club up shortly with everyone's recommendations in it. Additionally a topic will carry over from this one.


This Book Club is now closed however.

[Thaal Sinestro]

Blackest Night
Oooo boy, I think this must be longer than when it was first posted! What a ride. I love the references to Chubbz characters, Silent Hill mythology and everything else you guys crammed in here. I love a good long standing thread, and this is great.

You guys have come together a lot in writing style as you've been together, which in a lot of cases is awesome but in some cases it less you both to the same downfalls.

Artelos, you have improved so much as a writer from the time you stayed writing with Alex, it's awesome. Good work! Things I think you can work on (Shang, also be careful with these because of style convergence)

Paragraphs. You should try to separate every distinct thought with a paragraph break. Your paragraphs tend to be pretty lengthy, and it can get hard to keep track of your intentions when its all clumped together. This has improved since you started, but just take another look at it and keep it on mind.

I how you use the bold to let us know when your character is speaking, but tell us HOW he's speaking. What's his tone of voice? Does he make any gestures out facial expressions as he speaks? All of this can help give us insight into your character's state of mind and intention. You don't have to TELL us what he's feeling if you SHOW us.

You repeat a lot of words in sentences and paragraphs, which can be a little jarring. Try to craft your paragraph with synonyms and descriptions so that you can avoid using the same words. This also gives you a chance to really describe something SPECIFICALLY, because the synonyms you choose will give us a clearer idea of what is going on.

Avoid possibly telling us what is happening. Use the senses of the character to help the reader project into them. How does it feel? What's the texture, the temperature, the smell, the taste? What do those sensations REMIND you of?

Speaking of reminding us of things, use the Spartans unique perspective to help tell us the story. He's an anachronism, and you plug it in here and there with the walkie talkies, but most of the time it's easy for the reader to forget your character is from ancient Greece. What do things remind him of from his original time line? What metaphors and analogies would he make? What's it LIKE to be from his time in these stage places? It doesn't even have to be confusion, but it could remind him of something from back home. Again, use your senses to find inspiration.

Because there isn't a lot of self reflection, I actually don't know a lot about your character's past or how his powers work. Why does his aura change color? What's the deal with the aura blades? What wars was he in? Did he have a family? What does he miss? What were his exploits like before?

One of the most difficult things, and the most important, that I'd like to point out is SUSPENSE. When you just tell us what's happening, it's hard to keep the reader on the edge of their seat. Action is great, and the clarity you use to describe things I'd good in those places, but you need a dash of SUSPENSE to keep us hooked. Basically, the easiest way I can describe how to create suspense is to describe EVERY ASPECT of what's happening without giving us the conclusion. A guy swings good sword at a critical moment. Tell us what hoods face is doing. Trek us what the blade is doing. Trek us what the ground and the sound and the sky and every aspect I'd that Eric moment meow you finally release us from our suspense and let us know that the sword missed. It keeps you on your toes.

Your awesome man, and you're only improving. Keep at it, and keep trying. You'll keep getting better than you already are.

SHAAAAAANNNGGG TSUUUUUNG. Good to read your stuff, FINALLY. I have always liked your writing, and you do super well when you can write with others. Keep me reading.

Ok, in to stuff.

Remember your character. I think in something that's high action, high stands, we can forget the little things about who we're trying to write. The party's where Shang got old again was awesome, and I think we saw a good chunk of character progression during that piece, but even still I think you let him slip here and there. Give is the DETAILS. Give us his fidgets and his tics and the tone of his voice. Remind us who he is outside of his actions. Sometimes, even if your across are perfect, the character can get left behind without the really defining small stuff.

Like Art, I think you're falling behind a little on your sensation descriptions. It really hammers home the emotions of the character if you use abstracted descriptions and sensation to bring us into the moment. You're usually really good about that, but again I think the high action makes it easy to forget.

Also, suspense. I know Shang isn't like, SUPER WORRIED about stuff, but there's something to be said for tension. I feel like some of the monsters have become sort of procedural, but I guess that also sort of happens in the SH games. Still I think you'd do well to draw things out more, make us live in the moment.

Also, if live to see Shang do more tricky stuff? It's kind if hard to explain, but for the most part there seems to just be a lot if blowing shit apart. Which is cool, and fine, but I kinda figured he'd be more into super subtlety? He's done some really cool tricks in this thread, so I dunno if I have much to complain about, but yeah haha.

Man I hope I can write with you dudes soon! Your all so awesome. I'm excited to read more, and see the conclusion of things!!