Quote:(I was going to post this in its own, but then I did some searching and found this -later realizing it was linked into your sig- Go figure. Hope you don’t mind though, I renamed it for this post.)
I know you didn’t ask me to, but I had been reading up on some of your stuff in Vastly and thought you might either benefit or just like to hear a little feedback. I don’t really tend to criticize in a critique, but when I put my thoughts to paper, I try to compliment and comment on some things I like or I feel you executed well (like,
everything). I’m not sure what I would say is the best thing about reading someone else’s work, but my personal favorite is that I get to learn something about that person. Hope you enjoy.
Leviathan
I always have a tough time trying to put my critique to words with your posts, a part of it could be because I don’t feel like I have too much that is constructive to say. (In case it wasn’t apparent, this is because I’m already very satisfied by the way you write and what you bring to the site.) With your work, there is never just
one thing I want to compliment, so sometimes I feel like my attempts get a little lost (in my own awe) so I’ll just have to refine my own process a little bit to get across what I actually want to say.
Leviathan... It starts out with such an ominous and foreboding name. I feel so suddenly lurched into DG’s presence, his senses, his emotions, and the imagery his character uses and relates to.
“At the very least, this time it was a step in a pleasant beach, and not the flesh covered house of pain.”
If I hadn’t already known his character, that sentence alone would cue me in on some of the destruction DG is capable of. I can really allow his character’s depth to consume my attention as the reader and audience. It is an understatement for me to say that I like the way you make him think; such as in plans that form breadcrumbs in the mind, its a flattering sensation and very complementary to your own unique writing style and it connects to perhaps my personal tastes, as well as my enjoyment as your audience. (A little extra note, is that sometimes his slightly dubious thoughts feed into the situation, making it grow with realistic life.)
The story unravels and your words are completely and utterly immersive.
Doomguy’s thoughts (“I was left more amused. This is the second time I've heard that term today, and I was of course curious at what it meant.”) actually allow me to picture what sort of facial expression (well in the relative sense I suppose) he would be wearing. As well as how it would alter to meet the situation and those he found himself challenged against.
There are a couple of errors just around where quotation marks would end and things, but as your time on the site progresses, these small things tend to vanish. I haven’t read your newest-newest thread, so it will be interesting to see how much you have grown in such a short time. (See below for your character progression.)
As the story continued, I found myself along for the ride. I smiled, I got frustrated, I imagined the goop for food in the mess hall.
Doomguy is a one man army. His strength carries him (and the reader) though the endless trials and action-filled scenes that he endures.
“Groovy,’ I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy that” Doomguy is such a cool guy, I love his charisma. He really knows how to draw his audience in.
The action scenes were very well thought out. You narrated using a nicely exciting and varied vocabulary and also managed to create a good idea of what was going on for the reader. Some of the realism of his adventure was captured by the scavenging he had to do, so I thought that was a nice added variable as well.
The suspense was gradual yet effective and lead up to the climax/boss fight with great finesse.
Some of the best things I noticed in this thread were the words you used - they were relatable to the reader as well as made sense in the context, this can be effective in establishing a connection with the reader and you do this flawlessly. The care you put into this shows, (or perhaps it just comes natural for the badass doomguy)
Leviathan is like some sort of beast kraken-esque creature, and the fact that he can regenerate is even moreso. I was left wondering ‘how do you kill something like that?!’ But it’s regen power wasn’t enough for DG’s obliteration skills.
The epilogue was really nice and seemed like a great time for some introspection as well as collaboration with some of the secondary characters in the thread. It was both relatable and realistic that the soldiers bonded over cards.
Final thoughts: I really enjoyed this thread and think you did a very nice job on it.
(Sometimes not
too much to say is complimentary as well, as I hope you may agree.)
Intermission from Doom
DG is due for a vacation, and of course, he goes to the bar for a beer. (How much more manly can you get?) I near-gasped as he took off his helmet (For me, a halo fan, this was of the highest proportion as when MC did this for the first time).
I like that he was so casual with his interaction with Snow, it came across genuine and also reinforced the, “I kick ass for breakfast, annihilate for lunch, and screw you up for dinner, but hey, I’m still a nice guy” sort of theme.
I should mention that it was strange reading the thread without kito, but DG’s reaction and reflection were so strong that it actually kind of glued it together.
I thought it was really funny when Lopunny assumed you were police officers. It’s always fun to see some PC interaction between such differently themed characters. With reference to Daisy, I thought that was very sweet and sentimental.
(Lopunny and DG should have a combined fanclub, *serious suggestion* "If you think she's cute and cuddly, take a look at my -SUPER- shot gun!)
The introduction of the SUPER SHOT GUN was very cool, I wondered out of curiosity if it was just a cool way for you to introduce some of yo’ moves, but I really had hoped you had gained it as a move in your roster. Imaginative rationalizing then? Well, DG
is on vacation.
A pretty epic shoot-off/stand-off. Did I mention DG is on
vacation? (No rest for the deadly, I suppose) I was partially biased though still impressed how you didn’t choose to use the new toy as target practice on the “Jackass.”
Well, that’s some vacation for DG who just was attacked by a horde of amateurs. Thompson, so iconic an classy. Nice inclusion.
For a moment there, it looked like DG was going to jail -on his vacation- until his epic comeback and threat was delivered straight to the bawws (Lieutenant.)
Wow the military contract thing was really cool, and DG’s persuasion seemed pretty effective. I was intrigued about the bit involving his recorded ‘secondary’ status and wondered if that was followed through at all?
It’s also interesting to see DG employed by the state/Empire and I can see some useful trades coming out of an alliance with the elites who have the greatest technology in all the verses. Doomguy can have never ending toys.
It was kind of a twist when Mr. Jones later discussed DG’s “bluff” with a fellow worker. While but a moment later, DG’s epic was mentioned and the room froze.
I had a question as to whether the eagle eye would be recording DG’s action and later using it against him? Not sure if he has a camera in his helmet or if it is mainly implied audio like Cortana. (This was later answered in the following thread, "bugged helmet," I believe you called it."
As DG had his fortune told, I thought the assumption was profound and actually connected with DG pretty well. I marveled at the skillful depth used (against?) DG and thought it was nicely written and matched well.
WHOA WHOA, DG is going to break
into Impel down?
Final thoughts: UM, STILL AWESTRUCK AT THIS NEWS, BUT I GUESS CAPS IS LIKE SHOUTING INTO YOUR MIND RIGHT NOW -coughs- anyway, I really liked this thread because it showed a different side to Doomguy, apart from his normal, blood blasting self. My favorite part, though I had a questions, was the oracle/fortune teller at the end. A cool inclusion and I thought it added a substantial amount of purpose and flavor to his up-and-coming mission.
The Road of Good Intention
This thread starts out a little different than the rest, and intertwines with the pre established elements of plot. The style you portray DG has changed a little, but it also is in association to how much he has grown and learned from his time in the Omniverse. Very "adapt to survive" war mentality. The images you paint in the reader's mind are striking and very witty. I enjoy some of the humor as well as just the little quips along the way.
The association with the Empire created an interesting dynamic for DG, who will basically do what he wants even when he is aware they are watching, but can completely pull it off.
Your ability to get your point across to the reader – effortlessly – still strikes me. I'll admit I was pleasantly swept up in the post for the "fighting my way out" part and beyond, and my only comment there is that you did a great job with describing the vivid imagery of what happened and the catastrophic damage that was dealt to the building and anyone who stands on the wrong side of DG's blood studded chainsaw and BFG.
Some of the dramatic 'politics' make the
turmoil of this arc more influential.
I was /not/ expecting the involvement of the PLF to have anything to do with DG, and yet they surrounded him while he was at the bar! And dang, something close to a riot/epic battle happened all because DG talked to Lopunny.
It was nothing short of a bloody massacre.
An epic lead off to what would soon follow:
Dante's Abyss
Final thoughts: There's something about the way you portray Doomguy that never ceases to amaze me. Somehow, even the most minute subtly is brought to a new light. The little things have meaning, and descriptions aren't just words on a page. You do a great job just being "you" and doing Doomguy. It impresses me and kind of whisks me away. It's a very special quality to have, and the first person you use also adds to this.
Character Progression, The Making of Doomguy:It was about halfway through Intermission from Doom that I noticed a very secure change in any grammatical overlooks, as well as a distinct growth in writing quality (not that you were bad before, but the strength of style seemed to grow some). During the character interaction you stayed true to your character, which helped affirm the reader’s overall perception of the well-armed soldier.
When you compare your first post (Leviathan) with the Road of Good Intention, the style, word choice, and even grammatical quality has changed dramatically. I did miss a bit of the endless action from Leviathan, but everything in TROGI fell into place and thickened with purpose and depth. I like how you have progressed as a writer, and things seem much more clear and concise (as well as plot-wise). In some ways I favored Leviathan as my "favorite", and it is probably because I thought you did the action sequence so well that it really connected with the audience. I should also put to words that the action, if I had to describe the difference or contrast, was one that resounded through the entire thread of TROGI, opposed to short bursts or flashes of fire. The staging had changed, or rather evolved into the story. Which is an admirably quality to be able to establish.
Lastly, your writing is remarkable, magnificent, and inspired. Keep growing and challenging yourself, and never hesitate on pursuing an idea you may not think is worth it, you have the skill to execute anything that comes to your mind in a way that will positively awe the reader.
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