QUEST: Malefactor

[Retane]

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I actually asked Proto Man to look at this when he gets home.

I am at minumum 12k words invested in this thread. I Just need to know if I get the approval  to take off the Orgosynth ang gain it.. I Want to write everything else.

AKA I Need you to say Yes  or No.

Edit: 13.4k At the moment

[Proto Man]

Having read along with this, I'm going to tentatively approve you, as I know you're working on a little more before you wanted to wrap this up.

I don't have time to do anything other than give you a thumbs up to write through to the conclusion due to the constraints of my work schedule this week. This weekend, I'll post up an official scoring sheet so that you (Retane) and everyone can see the breakdown of how I scored you.

[Proto Man]

Style – This seems like much of an improvement over your fight with Gouki. The flow from posts and within posts isn’t quite as erratic or jagged, but there are some points where you should have been a little smoother with your transitions (mostly within posts). I give you credit for pushing your normal limits in terms of word selection without trying to go overboard, although I will say that you do have room for improvement in regards to punctuation and sentence structure. Overall though, it's clear that you've worked off most of the rust you had when you were killed by Gouki.

Grammar – It’s obvious to me that you’re using something to check spelling and grammar, because I don’t see the normal mistakes you make. This is a major boon. As trivial as it may seem to harp you over grammar/spelling, it’s one of those tiny things that you need to smash through to become the type of writer you want to be. And if this is indicative of your future work, than I assure you that you are well on the path. 90-95% of the mistakes were things that wouldn’t be caught by a program, which is nice to see.

Reader – I like that you started off a little lighthearted before gradually upping the seriousness as Retane descends the Tiers of Coruscant. I like the spin you put on the orgosynth, although the first scene with Mr. Haskell seemed a little odd (the emotion seemed out of left field). I enjoy the various titles of Retane. They provide an air of mystery, especially since I am probably not that great with the history. I also think that the dynamic between Retane and his associates/Assists is interesting, as is Retane’s attempt to grasp the notion of closure.

This was the coolest paragraph of yours I read in a long time

Kill. How many people had Retane killed in his past? How many people had died because of his actions before? He almost felt that killing was wrong. Killing had started him down a path of being hated and exiled. Was he really going to go through with this? He was a Namek, a race that strived for peace. Maybe that was what was itching at conscience, his genetics. But he was of Warrior class. He was meant to fight; To defend; To Kill if needed.

The contrast you create between what Namekians are supposed to be and what Retane is… it’s just very nice. It makes him truly unique, and it’s what makes him a compelling character for me. He’s clearly a competent and ruthless warrior, but he still has the intelligence and clear-mindedness of his monk-like people. I also think the paragraph was very nicely written.

And then you go and follow up this paragraph with an extended scene of Retane slaughtering a bunch of mercs. Fantastic contrast, although the continued used of the Gremlin seemed a little out of place.

I like the contrast you try to make between the flashbacks of Retane’s friend dying and Retane freeing the man from the symbiote. I feel like you should have been a little more artsy with this, having flash backs interspersed with reality, but it’s okay.

The 'falling action' at the end went well, although I felt like you could have taken a little more time to tie up plotlines.

Also, I can't say I liked your names for the mercenaries... I straight up hated most of them (personal tastes, I guess)

"Quest" - This is a category specifically for quests and other stories where you are prescribed a prompt. This category is worth 5 points (a 1 denoting a 'Poor' score and a 5 meaning 'Stellar' that relates to how well you transformed the quest into a story. Here I will consider, firstly, if you met all the specifications (including word counts). Secondly, I will consider how believable the events were and how well (or not well) you represented the in-character world.

Proto Man Score Sheet (Style/Grammar/Reader/Quest) - I consider you needing at least 20 points to pass a quest of this difficulty

Retane - (7/3/8/4) = 22 (Pass)

You may add the Artefact to your roster at your convenience.

[Retane]

The CHamp is HERE =D

[Sasuke Uchiha]

Congratz Yo!

(Sorry if this is spam!)