Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic

[Little Rose]

Gangsters, Grudges, & Ganking
Personal
-
Takanomiya Hijiri
11,993 words
67,556 characters
Arin (NPC Prime of Cassandra Myst)
2,827 words
15,663 characters

[PepsiWhirda]

Gangsters, Grudges, & Ganking
Personal
-
Takanomiya Hijiri
11,993 words
67,556 characters
Arin (NPC Prime of Cassandra Myst)
2,827 words
15,663 characters

I'll take this one as well!

[PepsiWhirda]

Cleaning up the streets
Personal storyline

Yu Kanda - 13414 Words 74060 Characters with spaces
Victor Wolfe - 8232 Words 44272 Characters with spaces

Hey guys,

I'll start with solo reviews then give something a little more broad about the interplay of your characters. 

Yu Kanda: 

Your characterization stands out as your strong suit to me.  Your characters have unique and distinctive personalities, interact naturally, and your dialogue is fairly natural and believable.  The gravitas of your writing is commendable.  The stakes and the situation at hand are clearly laid out without too much exposition and the pacing doesn't suffer; specifically, you show us what's happening through the behavior and conversations of your characters, rather than wasting your time just telling us.  

I am also impressed by your attention to detail.  An example is when Yu Kanda is addressing the gathered guards of Nippur.  There is good nuance in the offer to allow those who no longer wish to be guards to move on, and you make sure to specify that those who do move on will lose the privilege of the uniform.  These details go a long way toward keeping readers immersed and keeping the story believable.  

Just as characterization, gravitas, and attention to detail are what I see as your strengths, I think your weaknesses are grammar and formatting, as well as aesthetic.  You mentioned you want some in-depth feedback regarding grammar, so I'll send that to you in a PM.  In short, the areas I would research and focus on are the difference between independent and dependent clauses, the rules of punctuation when writing dialogue, and working to get a better sense of when to end a paragraph and start a new one (Tip: Whenever a new character starts speaking, starting a new paragraph will keep things easy to understand.)  Other than these areas, the issues were relatively minor and wouldn't warrant a loss of bonus %, so those are the areas to focus the most on improving.  

Aesthetic is the word I use to mean how you describe the world around your character and how easy it is for the reader to picture the setting.  In this area, I found the story lacking.  I would recommend paying more attention to describing the city and the things Yu Kanda smells, sees, hears, and touches. 

PS: I am still referring to politicians as word magicians.  By far my favorite line in the entire thread.

Victor: 

Your blend of humor and psychopathy makes for a really great character in Victor.  He's a guy who gets shit done but never forgets to have fun doing it; you make that apparent from the get-go and your writing is snappy and fun from start to finish.  I'm also struck by your sense of pacing.  You pay adequate attention to just as much as you have to to set the stage, without going off on any tangents.  Your strengths are in the details, the aesthetic, and the characters.  When Victor and Yu Kanda get to the bakery, taking note to mention the breadcrumbs on the tables is a great little detail that shows you pay attention to and are invested in the world you're creating.  

However, this also brings up a couple of issues I found in your writing, which are the dreaded exposition and some extremely devilish run-on sentences.  I can cover both with a single example.

The Bakery came into view, sandstone like the usual Nippur architecture and with a chimney letting out the sweet and relaxing smell of freshly made bread, if this place was simply a front for a shadow organisation they at least tried to keep up the illusion that it was a legitimate business, so they could not just storm in and start making arrests like the good guardsman would probably like to do, no, they would have to be subtle, with how suspicious this place was Victor doubted that the baker himself could tell them to much, probably a lower ranking member.

This sentence is a mess for both of the reasons stated above.  I want to avoid turning these reviews into grammar lessons so I can focus on the meat and potatoes of what makes your story great, but I would also bone up on independent vs dependent clauses if you want to see a fast and noticeable improvement in your writing.  Exposition, on the other hand, is the difference between saying "they could not just storm in and start making arrests like the good guardsman would probably like to do" and showing the reader that line of reasoning through dialogue and behavior.  A short conversation between Yu Kanda and Victor where they discuss battle plans and express their frustration that they can't bust in with guns blazing would be a better way to convey the same information. 

Combined: 

This section doesn't have much bearing on the bonus being awarded, but it's a chance for me to comment on how you two write together and how I enjoyed the overall plot.  

First off, the chemistry between Yu Kanda and Victor Wolfe is hysterical and I would definitely read more if it was available.  The contrast of personality between the stoic, serious Yu Kanda and the zany, always joking Victor made for some great moments, such as the exchange of blows outside the bakery.  The plot progressed naturally and had some nice twists and turns, especially Victor's con and the old tea lady turning out to be the mastermind behind the assassination attempt.  Overall, you guys displayed awesome creativity.

One general problem I had is that the big reveal with the tea lady as the bad guy had very little build-up.  I would have liked to see you guys draw that out further to add some tension and suspense to the reveal.  Overall, though, I think the two of you make a great team and I look forward to seeing you collaborate again in the future!

As a general tip for both of you, I would recommend slowing down, reading back over your writing before posting it, and paying closer attention to run-on sentences.

Yu Kanda Bonus: Great! + Participation
OM Earned: 1,481.2

Victor Wolfe Bonus: Great! + Participation
OM Earned: 885.44

----Wyatt Edit----OM Given ouuuut

[Bandit With No Name]

Sands of Change
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10211
Personal Storyline
Participating characters (please list): Bandit With No Name
Total character count including spaces: 31368
Total word count: 6771

[Gilgamesh]

The City of God: Repairs and Rebuilding
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10050
Personal Storyline
Participating characters (please list): Ahana, Gilgamesh, Drake Oneir
Total character count including spaces: 62149 (Ahana), 20355(Gilgamesh), 4274 (Drake)
Total word count: 11495 (Ahana), 3508 (Gilgamesh), 729 (Drake)

[Shantotto]

The paper swordsman and the midget mage.
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=9995

Faction Quest/ Personal storyline.
Participating characters: Shantotto, Serraph, Emps
Total word counts: Shantotto (5,231) Serraph (4,163) Emps (197)
Total character count including spaces: Shantotto (28.901) Serraph (23,467) Emps (1096)



Also concluding this thread with Drake as he has a lot of RL shit going on and I dont want to bother him to pursue a thread with an NPC

TLR
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10042

Personal storyline.
Participating characters: Shantotto as Yandere Lover and Drake Oenir
Total word counts: Shantotto (1,299) Drake (1,096)
Total character count including spaces: Shantotto (7,263) Drake (6,598)

[Luci]

@Luci
So I heard you had dibs ;3

Errands of a Storm Demon - Missed this one.
Personal
-
Ash the Storm Demon
4,659 words
25,284 characters

One Hell of a Ransome Note
Personal
-
Ash the Storm Demon
8,218 words
44,356 characters
Erik Vrell
2,348 words
13,594 characters

Link to topic  http://omniverse-rpg.com/thread-2209-pos...#pid133510
Quest or Personal Storyline? Quest
Participating characters (please list): Violet, Trixie
Total character count including spaces (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera. Please do separately for each member if applicable) 133,361
Total word count (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera. Please do separately for each member if applicable) 23,736

Gangsters, Grudges, & Ganking
Personal
-
Takanomiya Hijiri
11,993 words
67,556 characters
Arin (NPC Prime of Cassandra Myst)
2,827 words
15,663 characters

I got all this.

[Luci]

hey i need diablo or one of you sweet beautiful people to come like let me out and junk. http://omniverse-rpg.com/thread-2209-pos...#pid133510

I gots people to kill and revenge to be had.

So that got really real, really fast.

This thread qualifies as EXEMPLARY. I request a Storyteller to meet Violet as Diablo.
Bonus OM Earned: 2667.22


This thread is one of my absolute favorites; not a word out of place, not a single scene that doesn't fit perfectly with your pacing, and thematically (genre-wise) you killed it.

The Trixie cameo was truly epic.

The villains were amazing, the characters were amazing, Violet was amazing.

Good job, you earned it.

!**OM SPLAT**! - TRIXEDIT

[Luci]

Errands of a Storm Demon - Missed this one.
Personal
-
Ash the Storm Demon
4,659 words
25,284 characters

Nice piercing.

I award this post the GREAT bonus.
OM Awarded: 252.84

What I like about your writing style is how you choose to zoom in and zoom out of the story in unorthodox places. It forces the reader to the see what the writer wants them to see, and to keep anything else clouded in a fog-of-war.

This thread was a fun romp, the tale of Corruscant through Ash's eyes.

Your exit seemed pretty rushed though...

*OM IMPACTO*
-Kellyedit

[Ricter]

Limits of Skill
Quest or Personal Storyline: Personal Storyline
Participating characters (please list): Ricter Casenger
Total character count including spaces: 96,898
Total word count: 18,576

[Blink]

hey i need diablo or one of you sweet beautiful people to come like let me out and junk. http://omniverse-rpg.com/thread-2209-pos...#pid133510

I gots people to kill and revenge to be had.

So that got really real, really fast.

I request a Storyteller to meet Violet as Diablo.

This thread is one of my absolute favorites; not a word out of place, not a single scene that doesn't fit perfectly with your pacing, and thematically (genre-wise) you killed it.

The Trixie cameo was truly epic.

The villains were amazing, the characters were amazing, Violet was amazing.

Good job, you earned it.

I will be the Storyteller.

[PepsiWhirda]

Sands of Change
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10211
Personal Storyline
Participating characters (please list): Bandit With No Name
Total character count including spaces: 31368
Total word count: 6771

Got this.

[Ricter]

(Disregard this)

[Ricter]

Herbal Medicine
Quest or Personal Storyline?: Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Ricter Casenger
Total Character Count: 101,196 characters.
Total word count: 19,416 words.

Viewer desertion is advised: Violence, innuendo's

There is so much to love about your thread.

Your descriptions of the Tangled Green are amazing, from the first time you lovingly go over the fauna and the rich air, to the quick but interesting descriptions of the townsfolk. Your description of the market likewise held an air of approachable mystery, of adventure for the taking.

The character's were engaging, the goblins in particular. The goblins really stole the show, as you turn a low-level DnD encounter into something exotic, vibrant, with real danger for the protagonist and a real sense of loathing the reader feels towards the foul little goblins. Similarly, Vee (and to a lesser extent Vel) was very well-thought-out, with very real motivations and reactions and a well defined character. Even the merchants and Dr Dovan and the other minor characters are fun to read.

Unfortunately, I cannot award a bonus to this thread

Like I said, there is a lot to like about the thread. The parts that are good are DARN good. It is clear that you spent time and effort lovingly crafting SOME of the thread.

Unfortunately, it casts a light on the parts of the thread that are not as well-tended.

Spelling mistakes, missing or wrong words, sloppy scene changes, even the minor issue of colored text, these things compound to make a potentially great thread very hard to read and enjoy.

Editing is not as fun as writing, especially editing the parts of your story that are not as interesting to write. However editing heavily benefits the reader, and we like to encourage you to spend a little extra time and energy to make the experience more enjoyable for the reader. Comparing this thread to Ricter's entrance, I feel that this thread does not hold up to your own standard of writing.

While I can not award a bonus for this thread in it's current form, I offer you a solution. Go back and edit your posts. Edit the color of the dialogue to be black (but find another way to distinguish who is speaking if possible). Clean up whatever spelling mistakes, missing or wrong words, and things of that nature that you can. I will personally monitor the edit queue for you. When you are done, resubmit the thread, and you will have earned your bonus.

P.S. if you edit your first post, the thread dissapears, do not be concerned.

Understandable and I' went back and redone the entire thread, added some parts as well as deleted the coding and color text since it was very finicky when I tried to actually use it to tell who was talking. There might still be some posts that are 'under moderator approval' as what it told me but here it is again. Hopefully this time with a lot less errors.

Herbal Medicine
Quest or Personal Storyline?: Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Ricter Casenger
Total Character Count: 119,795 characters.
Total word count: 22,997 words.

[PepsiWhirda]

Submitting a quest!

Link to topic: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=8966
Quest or Personal Storyline: Quest (Sorcerer's Apprentice)
Participating characters (please list): Ok Dongja
Total character count including spaces (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera. Please do separately for each member if applicable): 59719
Total word count (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera. Please do separately for each member if applicable): 10273

Hey Vision,

[spoiler]I'm experimenting with a different format for reviews.  Let me know what you think here or via PM, if you don't mind.[/spoiler]

Mechanics: I can count the errors I found on one hand—an errant comma here, unusual use of an em dash there.  Overall, your writing is excellent mechanically.  No issues here.

Plot/Pacing: Given this is a quest, I found your plot followed the requirements admirably.  As a side note, I really enjoy the practice of updating the word count and quest requirements in a quote at the bottom of the post; I appreciate that.  From start to finish, you took an intuitive path to reach your goal.  Exceeding the word count shows you weren't rushed, but rather wanted to resolve the crucial details without much regard for the 'best efficiency point,' which is also appreciated.  That being said, the pacing of this story felt incredibly rapid overall.  Dominated by dialogue, you interwove what sparse details you offered well, not disrupting the pace in the moment.  I can't help but feel that you could have done the gravity of the situations more justice by breaking up your dialogue and including more detail.  

Characterization: This is an area where I feel you struggled.  In 10,000 words, I would expect your characters to grow in their thought process and their experience.  There are two examples I'd like to use to illustrate.  First, at the start of the story, Ok wakes up in the body of a monkey.  Throughout the story, we hear a lot of Ok complaining about the restrictions he perceives are being imposed on him by his new form.  What I feel is lacking is that experimental instinct inherent in all people.  I would have liked to see him try to make use of the prehensile tail or the hand-like feet, something along those lines.  Certainly, there are advantages as well as disadvantages of being a monkey, but we never see a change in perspective as the story winds on.  Second, while Ok is undergoing the intense trials of training to become a member of the Mages' Guild, there is similarly a lot of grumbling.  Characters enduring harsh conditions and emerging triumphant is a timeless storytelling tool, and it's doubtless you put Ok through trials worthy of the quest at hand.  And Ok did grow in the sense that he unlocked his potential and grew in power during the training.  However, I would have liked to read some more about how Ok realizes the necessity and value of the Master's training when it begins to yield results—that aha moment of elucidation that really demonstrates progress.  

As a brief final note, I did enjoy Master Millet's character and think he was handled well.  The staff divulging his crush on a former pupil is a great example of how you can grow a character and adjust the reader's expectations as the story goes on.  

Aesthetic/Creativity: I see both strengths and weaknesses here.  The overall aesthetic of Dalaran as a place of whimsy and humor was very well-handled.  I genuinely had fun reading all the zany ways magic was interwoven into daily life in the city.  However, a lot is left up to the imagination due to the sparse description, so I felt the beauty and grandeur of Dalaran fell by the wayside for this quest.  It's clear you are a talented writer with no shortage of creativity, so in future submissions I'd like to see you slow down and really build an experience for the reader, engaging their senses and painting a picture of the world around your characters. 

Style: Your tone when writing is very casual, which is an interesting lens through which to view Dalaran and Ok's struggles.  Through dialogue, you managed to convey most of the important story details the reader needed not to get lost in translation, but your style is so dialogue heavy, as I've mentioned a few times already, that it reads less like a story and more like a script.  The advantage of staying engaged with the quick pace and witty repartee was somewhat overshadowed by my desire to know more about Ok's surroundings, his thoughts, and the small details of character interaction that really breathe life into a tale.  

Every writer's style is their own, and I don't mean for you to take this as heavy criticism.  Your story was fun to read; you completed your quest with good attention to detail; and, I think you have planted the seed for a great character moving forward. 

Any questions, comments, or criticisms of this review, please let me know!

Doug

Bonus: Great! (+50% OM)
OM Earned: 597.19

Quest: The Sorcerer's Apprentice (Complete!)
Reward: Increased influence with the Kingdom.

---Update---

Wyatt clearing for landing

[Shantotto]

The paper swordsman and the midget mage.
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=9995

Faction Quest/ Personal storyline.
Participating characters: Shantotto, Serraph, Emps
Total word counts: Shantotto (5,231) Serraph (4,163) Emps (197)
Total character count including spaces: Shantotto (28.901) Serraph (23,467) Emps (1096)



Also concluding this thread with Drake as he has a lot of RL shit going on and I dont want to bother him to pursue a thread with an NPC

TLR
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10042

Personal storyline.
Participating characters: Shantotto as Yandere Lover and Drake Oenir
Total word counts: Shantotto (1,299) Drake (1,096)
Total character count including spaces: Shantotto (7,263) Drake (6,598)

Bumping this per the three day rule mainly because I'm depending on any bonus on this thread to help me finish a major purchase.

[Dane Regan]

@Shantotto: The "3 day rule" is for the move approval thread. There's no bumping rule for this one. Patience. Grading threads requires time - easily an hour per thread or so at times. Someone will get to you eventually, most likely before DA purchases are locked. If it gets to the 9th of June and nothing has happened, then you can ping me or something. You haven't been forgotten, Luci and Whirda each have 2 or more threads on their tables (each).

[Luci]

Gangsters, Grudges, & Ganking
Personal
-
Takanomiya Hijiri
11,993 words
67,556 characters
Arin (NPC Prime of Cassandra Myst)
2,827 words
15,663 characters

I award the Participation bonus in this thread to Cassandra Myst and Takanomiya Hijiri
I award the GREAT bonus for this thread to Takanomiya Hijiri.

Takanomiya Hijiri OM Earned: 1351.12
Cassandra Myst OM Earned: 156.63


I’m only grading Hijiri, although Mysty contributed to the story as well, not enough was written to give it a full judging. I do think she played her NPCs well, and fit very much the theme and feeling of the thread, writing very naturally with Hijiri.

Mechanics: Spelling/Grammar/Rules
Pretty good.

Plot/Pacing: I don’t know about the pacing of the thread. You built up a whole chunk of plot that ends up being a vignette. Don’t get me wrong, vignette’s are cool, but it kind of clashes with your Style.

The Plot was excellent; a self-contained story that push Hijiri’s personal plot forward. His transformation was likewise spectacular. The action scenes came through very naturally as well, although the frame-by-frame pacing made the fight lag a little longer than I would have prefered.

Characterization: Oh jeez Steve and Arin are beautiful. From the car, to the secondaries, to the attitude, everything. I like the way they lean in to the omniverse, joking around about the omniphysics.

Hijiri, as always, is a well thought-out character with realistic actions and reactions. His character and his plot move together seamlessly, as Hijiri pushes his own story forward with internal consistency. He is rapidly becoming one of the most terrifying beings in the Omniverse.

He also pushes his story directly into Luci’s; so points there.

Aesthetic/Creativity: First off, the storm troopers were amazing, the whole encounter was hilarious. Steve and Arin bring some light-hearted antics set against a backdrop of ultraviolence. The whole thread had a very Tarantino/Deadpool kind of vibe.

The final fight was epic, both dramatically gritty and action-packed.

Style: Hiriri your writing style has a very high ceiling. You write a lot of words, yo. In my opinion, if you’re going to use a bunch of words they should be good words. This is where you succeed. You make every one of your many words count, and you make every scene interesting and worth reading.

Writing Chemistry: Yes and no. Yes, you guys wrote great together; I love that campy gangster sh*t. Still the difference in word count between posts is a little weird. It’s not to say you guys didn’t write a good thread together, but maybe next time talk about how long you expect your posts to be.

[Luci]

Herbal Medicine
Quest or Personal Storyline?: Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Ricter Casenger
Total Character Count: 101,196 characters.
Total word count: 19,416 words.

Viewer desertion is advised: Violence, innuendo's

There is so much to love about your thread.

Your descriptions of the Tangled Green are amazing, from the first time you lovingly go over the fauna and the rich air, to the quick but interesting descriptions of the townsfolk. Your description of the market likewise held an air of approachable mystery, of adventure for the taking.

The character's were engaging, the goblins in particular. The goblins really stole the show, as you turn a low-level DnD encounter into something exotic, vibrant, with real danger for the protagonist and a real sense of loathing the reader feels towards the foul little goblins. Similarly, Vee (and to a lesser extent Vel) was very well-thought-out, with very real motivations and reactions and a well defined character. Even the merchants and Dr Dovan and the other minor characters are fun to read.

Unfortunately, I cannot award a bonus to this thread

Like I said, there is a lot to like about the thread. The parts that are good are DARN good. It is clear that you spent time and effort lovingly crafting SOME of the thread.

Unfortunately, it casts a light on the parts of the thread that are not as well-tended.

Spelling mistakes, missing or wrong words, sloppy scene changes, even the minor issue of colored text, these things compound to make a potentially great thread very hard to read and enjoy.

Editing is not as fun as writing, especially editing the parts of your story that are not as interesting to write. However editing heavily benefits the reader, and we like to encourage you to spend a little extra time and energy to make the experience more enjoyable for the reader. Comparing this thread to Ricter's entrance, I feel that this thread does not hold up to your own standard of writing.

While I can not award a bonus for this thread in it's current form, I offer you a solution. Go back and edit your posts. Edit the color of the dialogue to be black (but find another way to distinguish who is speaking if possible). Clean up whatever spelling mistakes, missing or wrong words, and things of that nature that you can. I will personally monitor the edit queue for you. When you are done, resubmit the thread, and you will have earned your bonus.

P.S. if you edit your first post, the thread dissapears, do not be concerned.

Understandable and I' went back and redone the entire thread, added some parts as well as deleted the coding and color text since it was very finicky when I tried to actually use it to tell who was talking. There might still be some posts that are 'under moderator approval' as what it told me but here it is again. Hopefully this time with a lot less errors.

Herbal Medicine
Quest or Personal Storyline?: Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Ricter Casenger
Total Character Count: 119,795 characters.
Total word count: 22,997 words.

Thank you Ricter, I look forward to reading to your next post!

I award the GREAT bonus to this thread.
OM Earned: 1197.95

Limits of Skill
Quest or Personal Storyline: Personal Storyline
Participating characters (please list): Ricter Casenger
Total character count including spaces: 96,898
Total word count: 18,576

Dibs

The paper swordsman and the midget mage.
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=9995

Faction Quest/ Personal storyline.
Participating characters: Shantotto, Serraph, Emps
Total word counts: Shantotto (5,231) Serraph (4,163) Emps (197)
Total character count including spaces: Shantotto (28.901) Serraph (23,467) Emps (1096)



Also concluding this thread with Drake as he has a lot of RL shit going on and I dont want to bother him to pursue a thread with an NPC

TLR
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10042

Personal storyline.
Participating characters: Shantotto as Yandere Lover and Drake Oenir
Total word counts: Shantotto (1,299) Drake (1,096)
Total character count including spaces: Shantotto (7,263) Drake (6,598)

Bumping this per the three day rule mainly because I'm depending on any bonus on this thread to help me finish a major purchase.

Dibs


----Roger Roger Wyatt coming in for a landing----

[Jim Raynor]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=7489
The Odd Couple
Quest or Personal Storyline? Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Rory Swann, Karax (NPCs of Jim), Jim Raynor
Total character count including spaces: 74,421
Total word count: 13,102

Giving this a bump.

I'll take this one.

Hey Jim/Cell,

I've read some of your Illidan posts since I returned to the site.  I am always struck by your sense of nuance, especially in the dialogue and the relationships between your characters.  Many writers struggle with this idea of wanting their characters to be liked, both by the reader and by each other, but the thing is: heroism isn't descending on your enemies, massacring them, and moving on without a scratch.  By my estimation, your characters are made all the more heroic--and all the more likeable--because their existence is something of a constant struggle.  From the first post, there's always something to endure.  Whether it's the constant, exhausting heat of the Town With No Name, or the break down in communication between Swann and Karax, or the trials the two companions face in the desert.  Your characters remain believable throughout.  In particular, the writing for Karax was spot on, reminiscent of old Star Trek where the profound difference in perspective adds great tension and humor to the story.  Karax was my favorite character, guided always by his principles and his idea of what is right, rather than what is easy or serves to benefit him.  

As far as plot goes, your pacing is excellent and great attention is given to developing your relationships without sacrificing the story's progress.  If I had any criticism, it would be that you sometimes forego diving into descriptions of the surroundings and the scene.  I had some difficulty picturing the bar in the first few posts, or the destroyed industrial building in the desert, because you leave a lot to the imagination.  It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I'd like to see you dive deeper into what your characters are experiencing with their senses.  Slow down a little bit to set the scene, and I think you'll find it adds a great deal to the immersion of the reader.  As it is, the story is carried by the characters and by your truly excellent dialogue, but it's lacking in pulling me into the world you're creating.

Mechanically, I noticed maybe five or six small grammatical errors throughout, nothing that detracted from the story.  I'm not partial to the method of showing telepathic communication with <>, but that's just a stylistic choice and doesn't change my grade.  In my opinion, it serves to remind the reader they're reading a story and also cuts down on the immersion bit, but truly it's no big deal.  

I know it's probably annoying, but I am going to hold off on assigning a bonus for a short time.  I have a potential change to the system in the works on the staff side and I would like to get more feedback and see how that pans out before rendering a decision.  Suffice it to say, I think this thread falls just short of Exemplary, but I'm not comfortable giving it a mere 50% bonus.  More to come.

Quick Edit: I also wanted to point out, I think Karax calibrating the teleporter to take them back home was a good choice.  Some might see it as a cop out, but I think the story had reached a satisfying conclusion.  I do think you could have drawn out their encounter with the giant worm a little longer though.

Doug

Further to this post by Alex (http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid133607), I am awarding this thread the Excellent bonus.

Bonus: Excellent
OM Earned: 1,116.32

Wyatt is the best and I love him