02-03-2018, 05:27 PM
So everyone has been asking: "Croc, baby... You're the baddest cat around and I want to have your babies, but how exactly are you gonna make the Dunes great again? What exactly does that mean, anyway?"
Well, first off: I know I'm sexy. You can stop flattering me now. Secondly, I have a 4 phase plan to bring new wealth into the Dunes and make it truly independent of Imperial influence, while leaving its current history and charm intact. See, once the Dunes was the richest Verse in the OV. So rich, in fact, that the Empire literally strip-mined it to its current state. And while some of you might think returning the Dunes to its savannah-like roots is my plan, nothing could be further from the truth. In order to make the Dunes truly great, it needs to be the way it is now. It needs its beautiful sunsets over the sands and its plethora of exotic desert creatures. It needs its mystery and and forgotten ruins. The only things that need to change is the lawlessness and threat of the Empire.
So, I'ma lay it out for ya. Step by step, so even the simplest of ya can keep up.
Phase 1: We gotta do something bout these bandits, bruh. Plain and simple. It's simply too dangerous in the Dunes to make anyone but the most foolhardy peeps come this way. We need the wealthy and affluent to spend their OM here. But I'm not talking about killing them all off. No no. I ain't even trying to put em in prison. I got a better idea. See, all we gotta do is make it more lucrative to work for US than to steal from peeps. Sure, we're gonna hafta beat down some fools early on, and maybe some of the obstinate groups will need to be eradicated. But we gonna give these guys a job. And that's where Phase 2 comes in.
Phase 2: With it being safer in the Dunes, now we work on making folks WANT to come here. How, you ask? Simple. We make the Dunes into a tourist trap. It all starts with restoring Ganon's Keep and turning it into a casino. The highest class casino in the Omniverse. We have our former bandits run the tables, obviously. They know how to swindle a sucker. Maybe we even gather up them Gerudo chicks and set them out as waitresses. Nothing says "I'm too drunk to realize I'm losing all my money" more than a set of sun-darkened titties pushing a twelfth margarita into your hand. But that's just the beginning. Soon, we start offering guided tours of the desert, treasure hunts in various ruins, safari hikes to hunt dangerous desert creatures, menageries of exotic animals, and even sponsored Void trips to Omni by peeps who've done the Endless Dunes Void Quest (I'm looking at YOU, Enel.) With all this wealth pouring into the Dunes, the Empire is gonna start wanting a cut too. And that's where we start Phase 3. (Bonus goal in this phase: Capture and tame Jhen Mohran, a threefold benefit which makes the Void Gate safer, gives us a new attraction, and is a trump card in case some unsavory folks start to knocking).
Phase 3: Ideally, this is the most violent phase of the whole thing. It'd be better if we could pull this off without any actual bloodshed, but the Empire ain't known for letting go of the things it considers their's. Here's the deal: as long as Carrefore is there, the Dunes will remain under the constant threat of Imperial takeover. This will become blatantly apparent if they so much as smell that there's any sort of value in the Dunes. So, we gotta get rid of that threat. We push the Empire out of the Dunes, and make Carrefore into a base to repulse any invasions Palpatine might send our way. This will be the most difficult phase of the whole plan, but also the shortest. Unfortunately, this is also the phase where any other parties in the Dunes will need to either get on board with the program, or be repulsed. I'm a pretty lenient guy. You do your thing, s'long as it doesn't interfere with my plans. But, if you get in the way of the beautiful resurrection of this Verse, I will bury you in a pile of giant lizard poop on a cold desert night.
Phase 4: Franchising, baby! We start putting tourist attractions in ALL the Verses. "Ser Croc's Whack a Zombie" in the Moors. "Enel's Electric Beach Party" in the Deeps. "(Insert Name Here)'s Winter Wonderland" in the Fields. Once the Dunes have become wealthy, it's time to spread that around to everywhere else. At a marginal cut of the profits, of course.
Now, for this plan to work, I need all parties in the Dunes to be on board and working TOWARDS this goal. I don't need New New Babe's off sponsoring bandits while I'm trying to rehabilitate them. I don't need Cirno tearing down Gilgamesh's palace (which, by the way, would be a cash cow trap) while I'm working to make Nippur into a fantastic vacation destination. We gotta get together and work together. Like I said above, so long as you're on board and ain't interfering, you do you, baby. Obviously, I'd prefer your organization to merge into this wholesale, but I can deal with ya so long as you ain't cribbing on my style. Which means two things. First: Don't you be putting any competition to my business operations anywhere near the Dunes, capiche? Second: don't do nothing that hinders my business. So long as you don't do those two things, you're welcome to come enjoy the new grandeur of what will be known as the "Golden Sands" when I'm done with it.
Well, first off: I know I'm sexy. You can stop flattering me now. Secondly, I have a 4 phase plan to bring new wealth into the Dunes and make it truly independent of Imperial influence, while leaving its current history and charm intact. See, once the Dunes was the richest Verse in the OV. So rich, in fact, that the Empire literally strip-mined it to its current state. And while some of you might think returning the Dunes to its savannah-like roots is my plan, nothing could be further from the truth. In order to make the Dunes truly great, it needs to be the way it is now. It needs its beautiful sunsets over the sands and its plethora of exotic desert creatures. It needs its mystery and and forgotten ruins. The only things that need to change is the lawlessness and threat of the Empire.
So, I'ma lay it out for ya. Step by step, so even the simplest of ya can keep up.
Phase 1: We gotta do something bout these bandits, bruh. Plain and simple. It's simply too dangerous in the Dunes to make anyone but the most foolhardy peeps come this way. We need the wealthy and affluent to spend their OM here. But I'm not talking about killing them all off. No no. I ain't even trying to put em in prison. I got a better idea. See, all we gotta do is make it more lucrative to work for US than to steal from peeps. Sure, we're gonna hafta beat down some fools early on, and maybe some of the obstinate groups will need to be eradicated. But we gonna give these guys a job. And that's where Phase 2 comes in.
Phase 2: With it being safer in the Dunes, now we work on making folks WANT to come here. How, you ask? Simple. We make the Dunes into a tourist trap. It all starts with restoring Ganon's Keep and turning it into a casino. The highest class casino in the Omniverse. We have our former bandits run the tables, obviously. They know how to swindle a sucker. Maybe we even gather up them Gerudo chicks and set them out as waitresses. Nothing says "I'm too drunk to realize I'm losing all my money" more than a set of sun-darkened titties pushing a twelfth margarita into your hand. But that's just the beginning. Soon, we start offering guided tours of the desert, treasure hunts in various ruins, safari hikes to hunt dangerous desert creatures, menageries of exotic animals, and even sponsored Void trips to Omni by peeps who've done the Endless Dunes Void Quest (I'm looking at YOU, Enel.) With all this wealth pouring into the Dunes, the Empire is gonna start wanting a cut too. And that's where we start Phase 3. (Bonus goal in this phase: Capture and tame Jhen Mohran, a threefold benefit which makes the Void Gate safer, gives us a new attraction, and is a trump card in case some unsavory folks start to knocking).
Phase 3: Ideally, this is the most violent phase of the whole thing. It'd be better if we could pull this off without any actual bloodshed, but the Empire ain't known for letting go of the things it considers their's. Here's the deal: as long as Carrefore is there, the Dunes will remain under the constant threat of Imperial takeover. This will become blatantly apparent if they so much as smell that there's any sort of value in the Dunes. So, we gotta get rid of that threat. We push the Empire out of the Dunes, and make Carrefore into a base to repulse any invasions Palpatine might send our way. This will be the most difficult phase of the whole plan, but also the shortest. Unfortunately, this is also the phase where any other parties in the Dunes will need to either get on board with the program, or be repulsed. I'm a pretty lenient guy. You do your thing, s'long as it doesn't interfere with my plans. But, if you get in the way of the beautiful resurrection of this Verse, I will bury you in a pile of giant lizard poop on a cold desert night.
Phase 4: Franchising, baby! We start putting tourist attractions in ALL the Verses. "Ser Croc's Whack a Zombie" in the Moors. "Enel's Electric Beach Party" in the Deeps. "(Insert Name Here)'s Winter Wonderland" in the Fields. Once the Dunes have become wealthy, it's time to spread that around to everywhere else. At a marginal cut of the profits, of course.
Now, for this plan to work, I need all parties in the Dunes to be on board and working TOWARDS this goal. I don't need New New Babe's off sponsoring bandits while I'm trying to rehabilitate them. I don't need Cirno tearing down Gilgamesh's palace (which, by the way, would be a cash cow trap) while I'm working to make Nippur into a fantastic vacation destination. We gotta get together and work together. Like I said above, so long as you're on board and ain't interfering, you do you, baby. Obviously, I'd prefer your organization to merge into this wholesale, but I can deal with ya so long as you ain't cribbing on my style. Which means two things. First: Don't you be putting any competition to my business operations anywhere near the Dunes, capiche? Second: don't do nothing that hinders my business. So long as you don't do those two things, you're welcome to come enjoy the new grandeur of what will be known as the "Golden Sands" when I'm done with it.
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