E-mail from Kuzuru to Karl Jak

[Kuzuru]

Dear Karl Jak

Well, first things first, let’s get the asskissing out of the way. I’ve got to say, I’m really digging your style. You seem to be the Omniverse’s numeral uno eccentric billionaire, and rather than letting that cash waste away in a vault somewhere you spend it on these wonderful gladiatorial events. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I admired that about you. But at any rate, enough about you, I’m sure you're wondering just who in the hell I am.

Well darling, I’m Kuzuru, the leader of The Ashen Blades. If you haven’t heard of us, our M.O. is pretty straightforward -- we kill people for money, and we’re damned good at it. Now why in the hell would a mercenary group decide to contact you rather than the other way around? I’m glad you asked. You see my raison d'être, so to speak, is violence in all of its wonderful forms. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not the kind of guy that would go out and slay the defenseless. I’m not a savage, my taste for bloodshed is refined, however pompous that may sound. I’m really only interested in primes.

So that leads me to the crux of this e-mail. I want to arrange a tournament, similar to the Colosseum bouts in Camelot, but on a more grandiose scale. You seem like that kind of man that could not only help me achieve this, but would be directly interested in such a competition. Now I don’t quite have all of the details hashed out, but I was thinking that we could use Death Mountain as a location for the contest. Though I’m unsure of how feasible that would be, but I’m imagining tense battles over a pit of lava. We could bill it as something super gritty and badass, I’m sure all those edgy internet weirdos would eat it up.

At any rate, I’m rambling. I’ve attached my contact details below, so we can get in touch.

Love,
Kuzuru

P.S. And don’t worry, as much as I’d love to, I wouldn’t sully the fairness of the tournament by participating. I’m the kind of guy that’d be satisfied just by watching the thing unfold.

[Karl Jak]

Renji,

Oh, sweetheart, you’ve clearly done your research. You know me, I love theatrics, money, and drama. I also know we have a market out there in the Omniverse that’ll eat that stuff up.

But Death Mountain’s a bit of a mess right now, what with being blown up a while back. Plus, those Goron’s might complain that you’re using their ancestral grounds ‘for blood money’ or some other hippie nonsense like that. Maybe Mount Vulcan? Mount St Helena?

You can sort that out though. Who really cares about those rock eaters anyway? Hell, you could do it at Death Mountain and use some dead Goron skulls for combat arena ambiance.

But yes – your idea sounds fun. Terms for sponsorship include the following: Allowing our crews to film and broadcast the event and billing myself as a co-host. We’ll pay for setting up the arena (just send us a schematic, unless you would like to forward us your own personalize designs), but any insurance or security will have to be fronted on your end. We’ll want eighty percent of streaming revenues and twenty percent of anything made at the door. How you reimburse your participants will be wholly on you.

If you’re interested in playing ball, please print and sign the included contract. Deliver the contract, along with a bottle of merlot, to one of our drop boxes. I’ll jot down those locations in the event that you’re unfamiliar with our field offices.

Smooches,

Karl Jak