Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic

[King Ghidorah]

Thread: Beyond the Mountains of Madness (http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=7100), submitted for Writing Bonuses!
Artefact Quest
Characters: Jade Harley, Amber Veritz

AMBER (Wordcounter.net)
Word Count: 10,822 words  
Character Count: 60,373 characters

JADE (Wordcounter.net)
Word Count: 29,157 words
Character Count: 167,767 characters

39,979 words and 228,140 characters overall!

*Readies an MRV bonus-missile, outfitted with dial-able bonus-yield technology* 

Now, I've never used this technology before so - 

Oops. Uh...there was only supposed to be one. It seems I have accidentally caused

BONUS JUDGEMENT DAY: RISE OF THE BONUS MACHINES

Jade:

First things first - effusive praise! You, madame,  craft some damn fine imagery. The Dwarven tavern, the mountain pass, and Rebecca's skewed perceptions were all brought across with remarkable vividness and clarity.  You handle your NPCs with aplomb, fleshing them out in subtle ways without interrupting your flow, giving them relationships and making them interesting. I liked the way Brandon kind of fell apart as things got bad; your rendition of Rebecca, Becquerel, his protectiveness and her halucinatory obliviousness was a delight; even the trolls, for all of their brief screen-time, were fun to watch. You create tension and atmosphere through inspired word-choices, apt metaphors, and elegant reference to evocative smells, sensations and sounds. At your best, your writing is both engaging and thoroughly immersive.  

As for the things that roused my inner critic... 

Stylistically, your sentence structure is never broken, but it is occasionally baroque. I'm aware that this may be a deliberate choice in some cases - Jade being Jade and all - but it seemed to creep in at the edges in spots where it didn't fit. Its hardly a chronic problem, and I may have noticed it more than I otherwise would because I too have that issue, but its something you should probably watch out for. There were also times where you slipped into the passive voice and it twisted the language in knots. Technically correct knots,  but still knots. Rarely, I even found myself mentally rephrasing things as I read in order to avoid stumbling. Again - most of the time, you are nothing less than an adept, but sometimes your language tries to run away from you.

Both plot and character-wise, the weakest element of the story was Sheron and the evil dwarves. They seemed... forced, and the ending left their entire motivation somewhat in question. The end in general seemed a little bit wooden in comparison to earlier character-interactions, honestly - even considering the stress of what they'd just gone through, your NPCs lacked some of their usual shine. 

Your action sequences - particularly during the rising action near the middle of the story, when the general writing quality (as you noted yourself in your OOC comments) took something of a dip, tend to tunnel vision-on the characters, which is understandable, them being the ones doing the acting - but one of the defining elements of an action-scene is the way the action interacts with the environment. It lends heft to a fight (although the chaos of the parenthesized 'this is what is actually happening' during the Rebecca perspective section was awesome, so, like most things, this varies with context.) 

 Participation + EXEMPLARY: 100% bonus - 3355.34 OM. 


Amber: 

This was solid. Amber is Amber throughout, brash, direct, and spoiling for a fight. Your use of language has noticeably improved since I first wrote with you, way back in the heady mists of time, both in terms of action and imagery, and your tenses are far more consistent. You write activity and action in a way that's smooth and generally easy to follow. Amber's radio-conversations with Saki during the opening post were genuinely enjoyable, and chuckled a bit at her sword getting getting stuck in the ceiling. 

As for things that raised my hackles (or just gneral things you could polish)... 

Stylistically, your biggest issue is that your tense-switching problem persists. Although only a rare issue, popping up for one sentence at a time, it happened often enough for me to notice it (which sadly precludes the Great bonus).  While your sentence-structure is reliably correct, its occasionally clunky. You have a tendency to use words and phrases like 'of course' and 'obviously' to begin sentences, which you should try to avoid - if it was obvious, you wouldn't have to tell us about it, and it makes your narrative seem distressingly passive-aggressive when it occurs. You also repeat adjectives frequently; One of the great things about English is our abundance of synonyms - taking advantage of them can improve the texture of your work.

Your descriptions of action, while clear and easily followed, sometimes lack impact. You suffered somewhat from being partnered with (and thus inevitably compared to) Jade, who excels at this, but while you make vivid pictures, they're missing the non-visual subtleties that lend a scene weight. When Amber fights a Wampa, tell us about weight of her blade; tell us about how the snow crunches when she moves. Tell us about the brief jerk of resistance as Razorback bites into its neck, and the copper-scented heat of its blood as it steams in the chill.

Lastly; dialogue. Sometime's you write it fairly naturally, but other times the characters explain too much, or lean too heavily on their archetype, and it comes across as stilted. Admittedly when you're writing NPCs somebody else just made, that's hard to avoid, but its something you should be aware of.  

Participation: 50% bonus - 603.73 OM


Overall, I'll probably read this again. It was like an early draft of something I'd find on a shelf. 

A more advanced staffinator will be along shortly to process you both.

Done! - Spur

[Oleander]

Looking for Trouble
Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Matthew McGinnis, Gunther Stein
Total character count including spaces: (According to Wordcouter.net)

• Matthew: 11,121
  
• Stein: 21,724
  

Total word count: (According to Wordcounter.net)

• Matthew: 2,129
  
• Stein: 3,950
  

[Mark]

Looking for Trouble
Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Matthew McGinnis, Gunther Stein
Total character count including spaces: (According to Wordcouter.net)

• Matthew: 11,121 13,567
  
• Stein: 21,724
  

Total word count: (According to Wordcounter.net)

• Matthew: 2,129 2,583
  
• Stein: 3,950
  

Logs updated, with noted corrections.

[13-Jzall]

Fighting the false emperor: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=8933
41,538 characters
7784 words
FOR QUESTS: Approved (Imperial Disarray)
Comments: Hi

[Blink]

I got you tomorrow, 13, when I can read it and give you some feedback.

[Blink]

Fighting the false emperor: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=8933
41,538 characters
7784 words
FOR QUESTS: Approved (Imperial Disarray)
Comments: Hi

-FORMAT. The biggest thing to remember when putting your work forward for someone else to enjoy is presentation. It has to be pleasing on the eyes first and foremost. This is true for chefs who make their plates look good, or an artist that is ensuring your eyes focuses on particular details. For a writer, you have to organize your writing to make it easy and pleasant to look at. Try to break up paragraphs with at least one space, and try to avoid huge long paragraphs.

-DIALOGUE. Every time someone new talks, start a new paragraph. This helps with the above point: It just makes it easier to read. If you make a giant paragraph (like post #3), then the reader will have a hard time in the middle of knowing where they are, and even harder a time in knowing who is talking. You did fix this later, but that leads to another point:

-CONSISTENCY. Your format changed often. Sometimes you would have a script-style format that would feature mostly dialogue (with no narrative details) or you would have a roleplay with bulky paragraphs. I have a feeling that laziness probably played a part in some of the skimpier posts, because you clearly are capable of more.

+CONTENT. The writing itself was solid. You use good details and paint a picture very well. I thought the story itself was quality. I especially enjoyed some of the NPCs that you created and used. It felt like it wasn't just a story about 13-Jzall, but a story with an ensemble cast, which is very important when doing lost quests like this.

Result: I don't judge this to warrant a bonus, and thus the 10k word limit stands, and this quest is ultimately not approved. You are free to continue it and re-submit. Good luck either way, man, you are improving by leaps and bounds.

[Albert Wesker]

Was going to get another post in here to finish it off, but...another idea has struck me so here's this for completion.

Evil in REsidence
Quest or Personal Storyline? Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Albert Wesker, Ada Wong
Total character count including spaces: according to wordcounter.net
-- Wesker: 30,295
-- Ada: 35,374
Total word count: also according to wordcounter.net
-- Wesker: 5,343
-- Ada: 6,196

[Blink]

Was going to get another post in here to finish it off, but...another idea has struck me so here's this for completion.

Evil in REsidence
Quest or Personal Storyline? Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Albert Wesker, Ada Wong
Total character count including spaces: according to wordcounter.net
-- Wesker:  30,295
-- Ada:  35,374
Total word count: also according to wordcounter.net
-- Wesker: 5,343
-- Ada:  6,196

I judge this to have earned a GREAT exceptional bonus of 25%, in addition to the 50% participation bonus you get anyway! So assuming my math is correct, you should get:

Wesker: 454.43
Ada: 530.61

You should get it as soon as someone with the right access updates you (and checks my math >.>).

Logs updated! - Jadedit.

[13-Jzall]

Fighting the false emperor: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=8933
44753 characters
8344 words
FOR QUESTS: Approved (Imperial Disarray)
Comments:Get ready for Perkins's bizzare adventures

[Blink]

Fighting the false emperor: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=8933
44753 characters
8344 words
FOR QUESTS: Approved (Imperial Disarray)
Comments:Get ready for Perkins's bizzare adventures

My previous ruling still stands. You need the required word count to have this quest marked 'approved.' I don't merit it to receive a writing bonus, which would have lowered the requirement. Sorry.

[Angel Fisher]

[Insert Animie Here]
Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Angel Fisher, Jackob (Ash's NPC), Centurion, Sandy Myst
Total character count including spaces:
Angel- 23,660 characters
Ash- 11,613 characters
Centurion- 7,265 characters
Sandy Myst- 9,980 characters
Total word count:
Angel- 4,320 words
Ash- 2,144 words
Centurion- 1,285 words
Sandy Myst- 1,855 words

[Daniel]

[Insert Animie Here]
Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Angel Fisher, Jackob (Ash's NPC), Centurion, Sandy Myst
Total character count including spaces:
Angel- 23,660 characters
Ash- 11,613 characters
Centurion- 7,265 characters
Sandy Myst- 9,980 characters
Total word count:
Angel- 4,320 words
Ash- 2,144 words
Centurion- 1,285 words
Sandy Myst- 1,855 words

Participation Bonus Ahoy!

Angel - 236 OM
Ash - 116 OM
Centurion - 73 OM
Sandy - 100 OM

Edit: Bonuses have been given for this.

[Blink]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...pid=120252

The Ice Master vs The Flower Master Fight

Cirno: 2587 words, 13522 characters
Yuuka: 2745 words, 15223 characters

Participation Rewards:

Cirno: 135.22 OM
Yuuka: 152.23 OM + 100 Victory OM = 252.23 OM

Can a higher-up staff please approve (and update) these rewards?

EDIT: Fixed. ~Reb

[Omni]

@Blink: uh, we don't just give out random OM amounts. Stuff can get nominated for Great/Exemplary as part of a storyline.

[Blink]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...pid=120252

The Ice Master vs The Flower Master Fight

Cirno: 2587 words, 13522 characters
Yuuka: 2745 words, 15223 characters

Participation Rewards:

Cirno: 135.22 OM
Yuuka: 152.23 OM

Can a higher-up staff please approve (and update) these rewards?

Adjusted.

Logs updated.

[Dane Regan]

Mind vs Matter
Personal Storyline

Word/Character Counts:

Dane Regan - 4353 words, 24619 characters
13-Jzall - 1684 words, 8998 characters
China - 2787 words, 15483 characters
Clownpiece - 2234 words, 12809 characters

Participation Bonus:

Dane Regan - 246.19 OM
13-Jzall - 89.98 OM
China - 154.83 OM
Clownpiece - 128.09 OM

Can a higher up please approve these rewards. Also, if possible, can someone read over the thread and decide if Dane deserves a great bonus (which would be an extra 246.19 OM for him, +492.38 OM in total).

Logs updated! Great bonus granted to the Dane Regan account for some pretty dang good writing. - Jadedit.

[Moon Knight]

Knight Night 
Group Storyline 

Participating Characters: Moon Knight, Marcus Wright, homin Ratione, All Might, Dick Howland

Total Word Count:
Moon Knight- 11189
All Might- 1785
Marcus Wright- 3043
homin Ratione- 4099
Dick Howland- 1550

Total Character Count: 
Moon Knight- 63186
All Might- 10236
Marcus Wright- 16590
homin Ratione- 23074
Dick Howland- 8642

[Blink]

Knight Night 
Group Storyline 

Participating Characters: Moon Knight, Marcus Wright, homin Ratione, All Might, Dick Howland

Total Word Count:
Moon Knight- 11189
All Might- 1785
Marcus Wright- 3043
homin Ratione- 4099
Dick Howland- 1550

Total Character Count: 
Moon Knight- 63186
All Might- 10236
Marcus Wright- 16590
homin Ratione- 23074
Dick Howland- 8642

50% Participation Bonus to everyone, plus 50% for any Greats or 100% for Exemplary.

Moon Knight- 1,895.58 (Exemplary!)
All Might- 102.36
Marcus Wright- 165.9
homin Ratione- 461.48 (Great!)
Dick Howland- 86.42

Good thread, guys! Stand by for a higher-up to update your accounts.

Logs Updated! - Jadedit.

[13-Jzall]

Mine and asriel's fight thread: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=8899

Participants: asriel and 13-jzall

13-jzall: 1352 words and 7397 characters

Asriel: 1253 words and 7042 characters

[Dust]

Dust in the Tower
Personal Story Line: Group
Participating characters (please list):
Dust
Blair (Marcus's NPC)
Frenchie (Moon Knight's NPC)
Jarvis (Vision's NPC)

Total character count including spaces
Dust - 32,241
Blair - 2,608
Frenchie - 11,988
Jarvis - 10,140

Total word count
Dust - 5,990
Blair - 468
Frenchie - 2,171
Jarvis -  1,771