Imperfect Party Plans

[Handsome Jack]

“AH SHIT! MY HEAD!” I shout, jumping to my feet. My hands zip up to my head, the feeling of it still attached to my neck reassuring. I guess I got aw... Taking a look around, I visually confirm that I'm not longer in that damned city. Yup. Definitely the Nexus. Whiter than cream cheese on an uncooked bagel and even blander. Maybe it was all just a dream? I look myself over and breathe a sigh of relief that I'm tattoo-free. So, I guess I never got my ass handed to me by Fire-Crotch, Uncle Ben, Teen Angst, etc, huh? It's reassuring to know that I'm still a bad-ass.


“Nope. Not dreaming pal. Well... you weren't. If you think you're a bad-ass, you're DEFINITELY dreaming,” comes a snarky voice from behind me. Until that moment, I'd thought I'd just been thinking to myself. Guess not. Looking over my shoulder, I spot Archer and the Furry we'd met on the island. Neither looked particularly pleased to be here. Can't blame him. I'm irritated enough to actually let that little insult slide. And, to be fair, I'm actually glad to see the guy.


“Ssterry! Buddy! Glad to ssee ya!” I pass my gaze over to the Brood-Master. “And... hey... you..?”


“I'm Batman,” he replies in a gravelly voice, setting off all my 'edge-lord' alarms.


“Yeah, that'ss great. Lissten, how you guyss do in your little sscuffless? No need to tell ya that I sslapped those three kids around like bitchess.”


The two humans share a look just before Sterling falls to the floor laughing at me. Batty, for his part, gives a stoic chuckle. When Sterling recovers himself, he says, “Yeah, no you didn't. We've already seen the videos on OmTube.”


“Uh... What Tube?”


About half an hour passes as Archer shows me some videos on his phone. One of me getting my head shot off which I hurriedly skip while Archer laughs at how zany my escape antics were. One of Archer getting literally misted, which I enjoyed thoroughly. Another of Fatman getting decapitated (also good for a laugh). We watched Enel get slapped around, and Graowr beat up a senior citizen to win the whole thing. It was weird being happy for someone else winning an event like this, but I was. And it felt kinda good. Eventually, Archer mentions that Enel had posted something on Twitter about us all meeting up for drinks. I find my phone laying near to where I woke up and check it out, along with a couple other things.


While I do so, Archer asks, “So, we going or what? Enel says he's got an open bar, and I'm not one to turn down a free drink or twelve.”


And having literally nothing better to do with my town, I shrug, “Sure. Why not? Let'ss go get plasstered again, for old timess' ssake.”

[Sterling Archer]

“Now you’re speaking my language,” I replied, grinning at the bugman. For being a terrifying insectoid horror, he was a pretty alright guy. I couldn’t wait to see how the bar patrons would react to him walking through the door. This would be priceless.

“I’d need to be sslurring a lot more to be sspeaking your language,” Cell snarked, cackling at this own comment. He glanced over his shoulder at Batman for support, only receiving silence in return.

“I mean...you’re not wrong,” I said, chuckling. “So...do we have any idea where Lightning Lad is? I don’t know if the place is actually called Town with No Name or if he’s just that lazy, but either way I don’t have any idea where it is.”

Cell and Batman both looked equally confused. “I don’t know either,” the latex-clad batkin growled. “I haven’t been many places since my arrival.”

“Same,” Bugsy and I replied in unison.

Silence.

“Well, let’ss just go thi-”

The words weren’t out of the bioandroid’s beak before the loud roar of an engine echoed across the Nexus, drowning out any further communication. My heart skipped a beat as I caught a glimpse of the familiar silhouette of my beloved screaming toward me from what I could only assume was a gate. “GENIE!” I yelled over the din, “I MISSED YOU, BABY.”

Before I could properly embrace two tons of speeding steel, I felt a pair of clawed hands wrap around my arm and tug hard, flinging me to the spotless floor. Not a second later, the Dodge Challenger rocketed past and slammed full-force into the fountain with a deafening crash, the heinous sound of twisting steel hitting me like a fist to the gut. I didn’t need to be a mechanic to know she had driven her last mile.

“What the FUCK was that?!” Cell cried out, stepping slowly toward the smoking pile of mangled steel. “Who did you pisss off?”

“Oh god,” I muttered, a tear trickling down my cheek as I kneeled helplessly at the insectoid’s feet. “She’s gone.”

“Was your girlfriend or wife behind the wheel?” Batman asked, stepping forward boldly. “She could still be saved, it looks like the airbag went off.”

“No, you idiot. The car!” I shook my head as I spoke, pulling a handkerchief from my breast pocket and blowing my nose loudly into its folds. Thank goodness Omni had had the good sense to give me a new suit.

“Ssoo…” Cell hissed, eyeing the heap suspiciously. “Iss thiss some Night Rider shit or did you get carjacked...?”

I shot up at once, discarding the snotty cloth and wiping the dampness from my eyes with my sleeve. “Cyril," I growled, just as what remained of the driver’s side door popped open and a thoroughly disheveled accountant collapsed onto the Nexus floor.

Our caped companion was at the portly man’s side in an instant, helping him to his feet and assessing him for injuries. Unfortunately, it seemed he was little more than shaken up and otherwise uninjured. With a bit of support from Batman, the two rejoined Cell and me.

“This man says he knows you,” the costumed jackass asserted, allowing the bespectacled man to stand shakily by himself.

“What the SHIT, Cyril?!”

“I’m sorry…” the comptroller replied weakly, looking slightly dazed. His usual dust-colored suit jacket was missing, the sweater vest beneath it sporting a few jagged tears as well as a large bloodstain. His humble loafers were crusted with mud and sand, leaving smeary footprints as he stumbled. “I can’t drive manual.”

“Apparently,” Cell muttered, snickering.

“When I’m through with you, you would be able to BREATHE manually either!” I threatened, balling my hands into fists. “What the hell were you even doing driving MY spy car?”

“Should we give them a moment?” Batman murmured, glancing at the roach, who shrugged in reply.

“Looking for you, you asshole,” Cyril snapped, suddenly standing up straight. “You ditched me in the middle of Darkshire, remember?”

I paused. “Yeah, so how does that mean immediately come back to…here and drive my car into the fucking fountain?!”

“Archer, you’ve been gone for over a month,” Figgis explained, exasperated. “I saw you on that Island gameshow thing and I’ve been looking for how to get there. I must have been to every verse by now.”

“...Why would it be important to come looking for me?” I asked, crinkling my face in confusion. “You’ve been fine with leaving me to die in the past.”

“Yeah,” Cyril replied. “But for all I know in this place if you die, I’ll cease to exist or something.”

“That’s stupid,” I said, waving dismissively. “I pulled my hero thing like an awesome badass and you’re still here.”

“...Archer, I saw your battle. I wouldn’t call hitting someone over the head with various items before being evaporated by a nuclear blast a ‘hero thing’.”

“Shut up,” I muttered.

“Sso, not to break up this coupless’ quarrel,” Cell hissed, stepping forward. “But did you ssay you’ve been to all the versess?

The lumpy comptroller’s eyes widened in terror as he caught sight of the roach for the first time. His lips trembled uselessly for a few seconds before he found his words. “I-I-I….yes.”

“You yess?” Cell parroted. “Okay, sso which way iss the Endlesss Duness?”

“A-Archer what is this thing?” the wussy accountant whispered, backing away from the looming insectoid.

“That’s Cell, he’s a friend of mine,” I replied, putting a hand on Cyril’s back and pushing him back toward the bioandroid. “Answer his question; we’re meeting someone for drinks and after what you just did, a stiff drink is about your only hope of not having your teeth kicked in.”

“Th-this way,” four-eyes muttered, slumping off toward the portal.

[Handsome Jack]

I don't know what kind of plans Enel has in store for us, but I hope he's got enough booze to calm Sterling down. The dude's fucking PISSED about his car. Can barely get two words out of the guy without him glaring at his... friend? Coworker? Honestly, I don't know. Don't really care either. Bats, for his part, is doing the stoic loner thing, though he can't seem to hide a faint smirk at the back-and-forth between Archer and Cyril. Guess even a furry can find normal things funny.

Ya know... I'm getting kinda tired of toting this phone around in my hand. As weird-looking as those khakis had been, at least they'd had pockets. I briefly considered summoning up a new pair of slacks, but they had been a bit constricting, honestly. I'll need something that'll keep my movement free and unobstructed. So, while Archer is busy glaring daggers at his pal, I go ahead and starting forming an item between my hands.

A little while later, the flash of color in the white void of the Nexus brings Archer's attention back to me.

“Uh... dude. Seriously?”

“Yeah. What?” I say as I snap the neon-pink fanny-pack around my waist. “I got tired of holding my phone.”

The spy looks like he wants to say something else, his mouth open, but he doesn't seem able to find the words and just returns to walking. I hear some gruff sniggering from behind me, Batman obviously enjoying a chuckle at my expense. Whatever. I wasn't even trying to make it pink, but my mind wandered to Blueberry a bit too long, so now it's pink. No biggy. It's not like it's a feminine color, or nothing, right? RIGHT?!

A flashing light on the face of my phone alerts me to a message, and I check it out as I move to stow my phone into my new pack. Apparently, the previous owner had downloaded some 'Coruscant News' application. Gonna need to delete that. Curiosity gets the best of me first, so I check out the message. The news stops me in my tracks.

“Gonna hafta put a rain check on that drink, guyss!” I shout as I shove the device into my pack.

“Come on, man!” Archer complains. “After the day I've had, I really need something to make me not murder Cyril.”

“No. It'ss fine, man. Go on without me. I have...”

A grin spreads my beak as I dash off from the group.

“Other dinner planss.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bob was getting real tired of having to guard the damn Nexus gate. About every day there was a new attack from some fresh Prime looking to make a name for themselves. Like... was it too much to ask to get a little respect? He was an elite Stormtrooper of Coruscant: one of the most heavily trained soldiers in the entire Omniverse. The fact they have to guard the gate ALONE is enough to piss him off, but that those attacks were such a frequent occurrence that they had increased the number of stationed guards was just too damn much.

While the stormtrooper was busy being irritated with his lot in life, he buddy nudged him a bit to bring him back to reality. Bob looked up and spotted a green, insectoid being rush up to them. And if that wasn't weird enough, the creature seemed to be wearing a neon pink fanny pack.

“Ssup, guyss,” it said as it moved past them and into the gate. The flabbergasted crew watched the ripples fade before...

“Uh... was that..?”

“Yeah. The bug guy who attacked us the last time he was through here.”

“Well... fuck.”

[Sterling Archer]

“So...we’re just not going to talk about the horrifying insect man you’ve been palling around with?”

“Nope,” I replied, following in the comptroller’s wake. “We’re going to not talk at all until we get to alcohol. Then you can talk all you want. No guarantee that I’ll listen, though.”

“What about the death tournament that you scampered off to on a whim?” Cyril fired back, clearly emboldened by the lack of towering bioandroid.

“That would count as talking,” I monotoned, my pace quickening as I caught sight of a gateway in the distance. “Until such point as I am killing both my liver and my brain, shut up.”

“You’re just okay with ditching me in a random medieval ghetto while you seemingly try to get yourself killed?” In his anger his eyes had narrowed to the point where he could very well have been walking around with his eyes closed. So dramatic.

“I’m kinda over it,” I said, sighing. He was clearly not going to drop it long enough for me to drown him out. “You’re a big boy and I’d think in a town full of smelly peasants you can probably find your way around.”

“Yeah right,” he scoffed, crossing his arms. “You never even gave it a thought. You just wanted to run headlong into a Battle Royale and quote action movies.”

“Pretty much, yeah,” I chuckled, slipping my hands into my trouser pockets. “And technically this year’s was more of an item hunt than a death game. Though there was a lot of murder…”

“Well I hope you’re happy,” Cyril spat, his chubby face crumpling into a scowl. “Because of you, Emily and I were nearly killed.”

“Who?”

Cyril took a deep breath through his nose and closed his eyes, exhaling for longer than I thought was possible. “Emily Kaldwin. The woman we met up with when you brought me here. You tried to grope her and she pulled a gun on you.”

“Oh,” I returned, smirking. “Yeah, her. I remember. Sorry, if I kept track of every woman I groped I wouldn’t have room for anything else.”

“Whatever,” Figgis resigned. “The portal’s up here. I’m not sure where ‘The Unknown City’--or whatever you called it--is, but I can get us to Carrefore.”

“It’s ‘The Town with No Name’,” I corrected, before stopping myself. “...I think. To be honest I don’t know the guy we’re meeting well enough to know if he’s kidding.”

“There’s probably a map or something in Carrefore,” Cyril replied as we reached the gate. “Your bug friend is just going to find us later or something?”

“I’ll shoot him a text.” It occurred to me as I finished my sentence that I hadn’t bothered to ask him for his number before the ran off with his fruity fanny pack. Maybe I could like...will it into existence. Somehow.

“Where’s Batman?” my bespectacled companion said suddenly, looking around behind us.

“Who?”

“Oh now you’re doing it on purpose,” Cyril said, rolling his eyes. “The bat-themed superhero who pulled me from the remains of your car?”

I winced at his question, remembering Genie’s smoldering corpse back at the fountain. I pushed the thought from my mind as I glanced behind me to look for the leather-clad angstlord. “Maybe he went off with Cell? I only barely met him back on the island before we all wound up back here, so I don’t have any idea where he could have gone. Maybe he’s looking for a woman’s hair to get caught in.”

“Whatever,” Cyril said, sighing in resignation. “It’s through here.”

With thoughts of bottomless brown bottles dancing in my head, I followed the accountant though the rift.