Depression [Mature]

[Jade Harley]

The small things make me feel happy. I find that when I'm starting to cave in and feel sad, I can just.... look at a leaf and think about how absolutely perfect that leaf is, how inexplicable and special everything is, and gradually I start to feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Sitting outside and looking at all of the green plants, listening to the birds, watching ducks on a pond... I know that sounds kinda lame, but just thinking about how perfect some really simple things are makes me so happy. It's like watching living poetry, living in the moment and not worrying about stuff.

This is all after I started to take medication for my generalized anxiety in the Fall, but I think it really was all just a chemical imbalance in my brain, now. It doesn't matter that I haven't "met someone yet" or that I have a lot of things on my plate, or even that I'm super unsure about my future. These things happen sometimes and will resolve themselves, and if not, at least I can sit here and appreciate the leaves.

I typed all of these out for y'all, and then checked like twenty times for typos, because I'm lame.

<3

[spoiler]You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
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You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.[/spoiler]

[Violet]

I'm at the point right now that if someone gave me a loaded gun, I'd do it without a second's hesitation. So fucking angry and just ... don't think I'll ever stop feeling fucked up and enraged and sad.

It'll get better, eventually. Just have to keep going, every day. Remind yourself that the alternative isn't really better, and even if it's something small, just look forward to that. Mine is delving deep into my minecraft community, because I know they need me as much as I need them. The community there reminds me a lot of Chubbs, in good and bad ways, but it seems I'm the only one of the people who can do shit there significant that gives a shit, and without me, it'd die off, much like Chubbs did.

If it helps any, I care about you. I know I don't talk to you much, but I do think of you quite a bit and how you're doing. You're someone special to me, Greg. <3

[Omni]

The ups are a lot upper than they were a few months ago. I'm getting a lot of satisfaction out of doing Omniverse stuff.

The downs are pretty much the same. And it's still always there, though this is something I've learned ... even when generally I'm happy, it's always there. And now that I've moved into this new house, and things are "stable" again, I wonder if it's a bigger risk since I have access to the fourth storey with a nice window that I could easily, and happily, throw myself out of.

My debate right now is whether or not to start taking this sertraline, now that I'm settled and fully off the citalopram. Honestly, I don't like taking antidepressants. They don't do much for my core sadness, they just numb me artificially. And, I don't know whether the sertraline would do the same, but ... I got the hugest boost in inspiration and motivation when I started coming off the citalopram. I don't know if it's been keeping me suppressed or what. I'd guess so. My brother had a similar experience, that citalopram just turns you into a zombie.

Sertraline might dampen the lows but it also might dampen the highs. In the end, therefore, what's the point? I'd rather keep my ability to work.

I know nobody here is a medical expert but some folks might have a better insight than I do. I've only taken the one antidepressant before, citalopram.

Edit: and I guess there's another route. Exercise. It's a good high. I've been walking every day of late. It makes me feel better. Might be a reason my sister, who's suffered from extreme depression, has turned into a fitness/running freak. Course I can't do it without this newfangled motivation, at the behest of which I've been considering gymming up.

[Little Ghost]

I'm here mostly to try and vent before the downward spiral begins anew.


SO!

Hi, I'm the writer of Nezha (still in the Nexus) and Lil' Ghostie (cute bug in DA, fightan fo' his life). I have a problem with "Mild" Cyclic Depression (might not be the proper term), Stress, and Anxiety Attacks. The first is often preceeded by the last, both being caused by the middle coupled with genetics. Fun, isn't it?

Today I had an anxiety attack, the first in months. While biking home from work I noticed that I was getting legitimately angry at random people for doing those small random people things that normally barely even rate irritation. 30 seconds later and I'm barely keeping it together enough to keep biking, breath in barely contained pants, tears from my eyes, feeling like I could just die at any moment and it'd be better, the works. I somehow make it home, which was like 5-10 minutes but felt like a fucking eternity. So yeah, I am probably heading downwards from this positive ride I had for the last month or so. 80-85% probability I'll be feeling like a worthless, unlovable waste of space within a week from now.

My question is: If you know your mood is about to take a turn for the worse in the near future, what do you do to manage/lessen the impact?

[Gildarts]

If you know your mood is about to take a turn for the worse in the near future, what do you do to manage/lessen the impact?

I try to do anything that feels like an accomplishment for me, or I listen to music (and express myself by singing to it) or go to the gym or be at one with nature on a hike. +Tea.  I'll also read or write for the distraction and it helps me cope. I try not to let my feelings get the best of me because it doesn't do anything for me but when things get worse my friends usually pep talk me and help save the day. Couldn't be strong without them. Surround yourself with love little ghost! Starting from your heart and aim it directly at yourself !

Sometimes the people around you will tear you down too, so when that happens try to get a break from them.

[Omni]

My question is: If you know your mood is about to take a turn for the worse in the near future, what do you do to manage/lessen the impact?

Anything that makes me feel pampered (shut up, a man needs pampering too) or otherwise things that are comfort food, literally or figuratively. So go get yourself a fancy milkshake, order takeaway - whatever it takes, whatever your thing is. I overspent ridiculously this year managing my depression in the early months and practically spent myself into a corner, but it made me feel better even only slightly, and that stopped me from potentially fucking killing myself.

Also, feel free to rant here or in the chatbox. Generally people are pretty lovely and understanding. Sometimes I know I'm being unreasonable and irrational, but you just gotta vent, y'know? It helps. And if you want to skype me (it's helixagon) I'll listen to your rants.

[Deadpool]

Being able to rant at times really helps with depression, frustration, or out-right anger.

Personally, I take my depression and dive as far into it as I can. Not because I want to, but because it's what happens. I over-think a lot.

So to answer your question: how do I deal with depression? I don't. I just know that I'm strong enough emotionally and mentally to not let it destroy me.

[Trixie]

How do you stop from validating your own death?

[Harlan Higgs]

Long rant incoming, and it gets pretty personal.

But I need to get it out.

So it all starts with my birth parents divorcing when I was 1 year old, followed by many many years of being used as a weapon, my dad remarrying to a woman who abused and tortured me for years, and a whole bunch of problems that I won't really go into. More or less, that's old resolved history and all parties have been forgiven.

The problems start about three years ago, waaay back in January of 2015. I had moved out in December to my own apartment, was renting, was doing fantastic, was having a grand old time. Come March, my dad drops the bombshell that the state police had raided the house and he had been indicted on bribery charges. He was a high ranking official at Citibank, a newcomer to the corporate world, and had gotten draw into a pay to play scheme in such a manned that when the chips all fell he was left holding the bag. He was the only one to actually serve any significant jail time. 

So he asks me to come move back home and help my brother support my stepmom and my sister while he's away. Can't say no to that, right? I move back and start splitting half of my check every week to a joint house fund.

Then, one month after his birthday in July, my brother dies of a sudden pulmonary embolism.

Then, three months after that, my dad goes to his court date and is arrested on December third to begin his sentence.

I spend the better part of two years, scraping, saving, handling all sorts of shit i've never ever thought of before to keep the bills paid and my family off the street.

My dad comes home on work release three months ago. But, since the way his work release is structured, there is little he can do besides stay home during his days with us and maybe help around the house, or small things like that. He can't really get out there and operate until July 27th. 

All of the financial burden is on me. I'm 26 years old. I should have been living on my own for three years now. But because of my father's decisions, I'm stuck living in a house that holds far more traumatic memories than good ones. 

Once my dad is back on his feet, he's said he's going to give me enough money for a down payment on buying my own place, and I have strong faith he will make good on that.

But it's the period in between now and then that is the hardest. He flips out over the tiniest, most insignifcant things, and gets screamingly angry for no reason. My stepmother and I spent two years handling shit worse than that, having screaming fights ourselves, but we made it and our relationship is better for it.

I have so much shit I want to throw in my dad's face, but he's so emotionally unstable that we're afraid if he finds out how dire our situation is, he'll do something drastic like harm himself to get us money.

So today was bad, some bullshit about his tools being disorganized and letting a payment on a storage unit lapse. I paid the storage people and it was taken care of. He texts me all caps messages (a couple hours after it's been settled) calling me out for being the same old irresponsible person I was before, asking if he failed as a father, and all sorts of inflammatory, fucking ungrateful shit.

So I'm stuck in a position where I have both barrels loaded with cutting, hurtful, and true arguments that I really really want to say to him, but where I can't unless I want him to kill himself from the guilt.

It fucking sucks. It really fucking sucks.
And I know a year from now, or two years from now it's all going to be okay, but day to day takes fucking forever.

This site has been one of the main reasons I haven't completely lost it and just left.

Anyway, TLR: parental ungratefulness after literally keeping this family together with my own blood sweat and stress.

[Trixie]

*cracks open two beers*

*hands beer*

We'll drink to our legs.

[Oleander]

I've been in a "similar" position. I was heavily bullied in highschool because I was the biggest person there, including the teachers. This extended to weekly beatings (often two or three times) for people to feel better about themselves. Prison tactic; take down the biggest, baddest mother fucker... I had a lot of things going against me. Fat kid, socially awkward and weight training. The last one lead to people thinking I was tougher than I was, a few times "Retard strength" were actually tossed at me.

I had a black book full of ways to kill myself. Some were pretty elaborate with a lot of research put into them. Meanwhile, my family didn't know, because I put on a mask to hide my pain. It wasn't just angsty teen, I was often far too happy for my situation, and that hurt too. I often had the question "Why can't I really be this happy?"

It was honestly by coincidence that my parents sent me to a psychologist to be tested for IQ, ADD, OCD and a few other things. I was going for my Disability due to mental and physical issues. (IQ 125, with mild ADD.)

Psychologist noted by body language that I was very withdrawn for someone so "happy." She suggested I undergo a bimonthly session to see what's up.

Two months in, the hour long sessions actually started yielding result. I felt better, just because I got to talk about the bad shit. It wasn't all the bad shit either, mixed in she would ask me things like "What did I learn?" and "What would I tell someone else?" She turned the bad into a learning experience.

When I was dealing with some major shit, like being a "Fat, ugly mother fucker" she said "By who's standards?" When I answered, she said "Oh well. That's their problem."

Long story shortened, empathy is nice and all, but if there are people that drag you down... it might be time to learn apathy. No one else is worth your mental and emotional health, and ESPECIALLY not your physical health.

I find that a good way to deal with problems is treat them like they are something else. Math. Objects. Et cetera. Focus on one at a time, and if one seems to hard to solve, move on to the next. Better to have 9 out of 10 problems solved rather than focus on 1 and fail the test.

Also... home medication! Instead of drugs (these are depressants) try spending that hard earned money on things that you'd like to have. Like for me, dark chocolate. If I'm having a hard day, a few ounces of dark chocolate (or chocolate milk - I'm weak for it) really help remind me of things I'd miss if I lost the will to go on. Blender for smoothies instead of your next joint. Fruit and some chocolate freakin' syrup...

If you're not big on food, then go see that new movie and instead of sitting objectively in the back, get right up in front row. Overwhelm your senses with something good that gets you OUT OF THE HOUSE.

Yes, out of the house, out of your comfort zone, new things. Best way to get over the bad and solve the problem is to find new and happier solutions. Mine so happens to be chocolate ice cream and pumpkin spice coffee in a blender.

To sum up: Solve what you can, one at a time. Let everything else go. Find NEW things to help sooth the pain. Good things. Chocolate things. Remember YOU are the most important thing to you. Everything else comes second, so long as you have your chocolate.

Also, give the rest of the world the bird. Be less angry and more "Oh well." Apathy has its perks. Apathy doesn't burn out. If you can't fix it, then fuck it. Find a way to fuck the world without giving a fuck. Find a friend, share the zero fucks you give and accept zero fucks from them. Laugh as the fucks procreate and produce less than zero fucks, just to fuck math up for the sheer fuck of it.... (That's nine fucks right there. Ten if you count this one.)