Colosseum Results

[Storyteller]

Bandit Vs. Mami

Bandit

Description and Clarity: 3.5 - I wouldn’t have much more to add to anything that was said in your last judgement in this category. I do, however, think you have improved on this area since then, which is why I have given you an extra half a point.

I think your use of the arena is quite good, but I still think it could be improved. Both yourself and Mami focused a lot more on the two characters fighting and interactions with each other. This lead to the Arena being included mostly as platforms that their fight took place on. Although this is good, I feel like the effects of the toxic gasses and what not that lay below the two combatants could have been mentioned a little more. Not really in how it looks, but the sort of smells it causes and how this effects the characters. I know that something like this was included in one of the posts in this fight, and that's why I'm bringing it up now. I loved it and thought it should have been mentioned a little more.

Voice: 3.5 - Your paragraphs flowed, and I really got a sense for your writing. You made reading this post, your character and your writing quite enjoyable and awesome. There were a few moments when things moved a little to fast for my liking, but these were few and I think you did a nice job at keeping a nice and even pace.

Character: 3.5 - I think you did rather well at displaying Bandit as a character. I don’t really know much about the character, but she seems rather... unfazed by her situation within the Omniverse. That wouldn’t work for most characters, usually, but it works really well for Bandit and I loved it. I also seem to get the vibe that she hate’s Magical Girls, this aided you in this fight, but could easily get repetitive. So I’d be cautious about always mentioning the sorts of people that this character comes to hate.

Story: 4 - In a similar fashion to your last fight, I feel as though Bandit controlled most of the story progression within this fight. Mami did have Bandit on the run quite a bit, but I felt as though this was Mami following your lead and getting a feel for writing with you. I feel like Bandit is such a great character and this really helps you push the story along as much as you do.

Grammar & Spelling: 4 - As solid as any sort of solid can be. I didn’t find myself tripping over many mistakes in your spelling or grammar. There were a few moments, but only a few and they weren’t major.

Total = 18.5

Mami

Description and Clarity: 3 - Much like your last judge, I also felt like your posts were very ‘fun and springy’ Which I quite liked actually. The posts seemed to fit the character.

I also think you did a great job of using your surroundings, the way you wrote and included the aspects of the arena around both yourself and Bandit was really nice. However, mention of the gasses and toxins that lay below their platforms was sparse, and spread out through the posts, I would have liked to see this included a little more in the descriptions. Not just that it was there, but more of what it would have caused the air to smell like. Little things like that.

I think the way you described both character’s actions throughout the fight was great too, it wasn’t filled with over the top words that didn’t have a place, but you also didn’t just repeat the same words and make it a rather boring read. I do, however, think that playing around with your paragraphs (such as you did in your later posts) will aid in bumping this category up a notch.


Voice: 2.5 - Your posts seemed to include a lot of information all in a short amount of time. You tend to write in a way that has events happening rather fast. This was mostly apparent in your first post, but in your second and third posts, the structure of your paragraphs really helped slow things down.


Character: 3 - Mami the Magical Girl is a wonderful character. You show a lot of who she is within her dialogue and I think this is where you can improve. Rather than showing her (mostly, not completely) through her dialogue, try and emphasize the way your character thinks and feels through their actual actions. I’d like to point out that you don’t do this all the time, but it is where I felt a lot of it comes from.

Story: 3 - You did have some great moments where Mami pushed the story forward. But I feel like you let Bandit do this a lot more. Not that this is a bad thing, it’s always nice to follow someone else’s lead, but I feel as though Bandit did a lot more of the story pushing for this fight


Spelling & Grammar: 3.5 - I think you did really well, I didn’t notice any misspelled words. However, I did need to re-read over a few sentences in each post due to missing commas. Mostly solid though.

Total = 15

The winner is Bandit

[Storyteller]

Ms. Marvel V. Shang Tsung

The penalty for the missed deadlines will be calculated at the bottom, that last post called it close by like, 3 minutes. (Sasuke’s spoiler on that post made me laugh too much, “with a spare minute”). You boys blow my mind. Despite the deadlines, good work.


Ms. Marvel

... Before I begin, this is kind of a preference(?), but the excerpt at the top, updating miss Marvel by use of the ginger woman would have been preferred in the spec thread, and then linked here at the top with a spoiler tag / in quotes. I started the fight and was a bit confused, and I was expecting the start of a battle to be different. It was a bit jarring for an introduction post, and I didn’t really care too much for it, (she also wasn’t in the arena). In the future, link it, and it wouldn’t have counted for your word limit either (as it narrates her going to the arena).

Another note is I couldn’t find your roster for Ms Marvel, so I wasn’t sure if I was just being thick headed, but I spend a good five minutes scrolling rosters and archived searching for it. Instead,

I had to use this <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=3964">viewtopic.php?f=10&t=3964</a><!-- l --> and <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?p=45202#p45202">viewtopic.php?p=45202#p45202</a><!-- l --> and the dreaded WIKIPEDIA

I like to check people’s rosters so I can read a description of their moves, also, to read their character’s personality. I wasn’t familiar with Ms Marvel, and didn’t know her alias was Carol Danvers (or do aliases work the other way around...) but, its all good, your joining forum sufficed.


Description and Clarity: 3

At the beginning, there was a lot of “carol danvers” “ms Marvel” and “the red haired woman” and while that’s all fine, if someone wasn’t sure who Carol danvers was, it could have been a bit confusing. Intros are good places to introduce the character’s pronoun/anonymous. Good thing to keep in mind for the future is just to be cautious with that kind of thing, as clarity is a big section weighed in on the scorecard. The below is kind of where I meant it got a bit muddled (just so you can see).

As the woman took her leave from Marvel, a dark haired man dressed in a yellow attire and equipped with steal weaponry, took her place.

Remember that “her” will refer to the person and name said directly before.

“Oh,” Shang began, his response seemingly to weigh heavily on his shoulders, as the words left his lips, “if only you could.”

Marvel studied the man with a close eye for a moment, uncertain if she had missed something. Finally, she repeated, “If only I could?”

However, before she got a response from her opponent, the vary platform she stood upon began to quake. It jittered back and forth for a while, before finally taking to the air, as though it were Captain Marvel itself.

This part was concise, and very nicely done.

Hovering above a proverbial mind field of, likewise, floating platforms, Ms. Marvel took in her surroundings. The two combatants stood upon platforms of steel, suspended in mid-air. Nothing to catch themselves with, save for some unsavory, slimy, green ichor that polluted the coliseum floors below.

This was probably one of my favorite descriptions this fight, I was glad you included it, without it, I may have felt there was a little under-use of the inclusion of toxins and other dangerous arena stuff going on that gets utilized later.

Long since forgotten were the human restrictions of her past, it’d had been decades since she had been empowered with the ability to fly; an ability she would use here and now to her advantage.

The part after the semi colon, I didn’t feel fit very well, and I felt like the sentence could have been restructured for a better effect. Proposed solution(s):

Long since forgotten were the human restrictions of her past. It had been decades since she had been empowered with the ability she could use to her advantage, the ability to fly.
Or if you prefer. “:The ability to fly.” (independent clause)

A heart jolting fear shot up Carol’s spine as Shang Tsung’s image became smaller and smaller, until finally—

*SPLAT*

Ms. Marvel smacked, face first, into the slime covered depths below. The shadow of incapacitation stalking her, and just as her flight had abandoned her, so now, had her consciousness

Nicely done.

In its wake, a myriad of color blotted out the day’s sky, casting a variegated hue of light upon, an enamored, crowd of Camelot patrons, while the robust and sweeping, stone ramparts of the colosseum trembled; the results of Dalaran’s protective wards, spells, and enchantments waning under exertion.

This sentence seemed way too long. A little tweaking and it could have been made more fluent for a much more impacting result.

Annoyed, flustered, and frustrated, the sorcerer turned on his opponent, and summoned forth vigor from within the pool of souls he had condemned, unleashing a breath of Draconian flame; a flame that tore the very air with its potent rage, however, found its target, it did not.

Can I reference star wars here? This time though, I can be Yoda. Again this one was a little lengthy. Just keep an eye on this sort of thing, and if you have any questions about how to modify this sort of thing, my pm box is waiting. I did this a couple of times during my fight too so I can understand how it would happen, but it does get a bit hefty to read.

” as the words left her lips,

“as soon as” might work too, just a suggestion, no negatives here.

sunflower colored lock of hair anywhere

“Anywhere” seemed excess.

hit the floor with a sickening thud, and a lot less grace, several yards away.

Ms. Marvel sank her hips, took a deep breath, and unleashed every bit of athleticism her legs could muster, bounding the colosseum heights like a rocket, and escaping the putrid and infectious toxins of below. At the height of her vertical, she had passed all the available platforms, leaving only an abandoned TIE fighter ship for her to grasp out at; she climbed.

was nicely done.

For this category, I liked your word choice and descriptions. I felt they challenged your opponent as well, however I felt like there were time when your sentences got a little longer and a bit more confusing. Keep the flow.

Voice: 4.5 *

He moved with the prime of youth as he stood upon one of the platforms; a cloud of confidence and self-assurance in his strides.

The gong sounded, and the space surrounding the female avenger began to distort, as her kree powered energy welled up within her and, like a rocket, she shot out, leaving her platform behind, soaring over the battle field, and headed straight for Shang Sung.

Her fist became enveloped in a hue of golden and electric like properties, as she closed the distance on her opponent, coming ever closer… before falling away.

nice narration, I could really feel the power behind your tone and word choice.

Unnerving agony. A nervous system brought to the brink, under siege. Fire. Carol’s internal alarm systems shrieked, pleading for relief. A relief that never came. Panic, nausea, and lightheadedness befell her, as infectious plumes of toxic sludge, haunted, and tormented her senses, impairing her most fundamental of abilities.

Stricken, she felt a very large insect burrow itself into her skull and then proceed to hatch its larva. The clawing and tearing of a migraine, relentlessly assaulting her cerebellum.

This part really grossed me out, so I can only assume that this sentence was super-effective.

Boom. A cacophony of deafening explosions thundered throughout the arena, as marvelous, proton energy clashed with the menacing, flame engulfed skull, compliments of Shang Tsung.

right gilded flames of pure energy enveloped Ms. Marvel’s form, as radiant, blistering hot, white light amassed into her palms, and discharged two violent beams of ill intent. Under scrutiny, Shang’s reflexes failed to disappoint, and pole-vaulted the sorcerer out of harm’s way, abandoning one platform for another. Taking to a roll, he found his feet just in time to avoid another golden beam of destruction, courtesy of the avenger.

This was an excerpt from your last post. I liked that your posts got increasingly better, and I felt like if they were all of this good of quality, your categories would have been marked a bit higher, and this one would have received a complete 5.

You did awesome in your category, and I felt you were a bit better than your opponent in this one. Very strong, and nicely paced during the majority of the fight. Try to keep consistency in the future.

Character: 3.5

“I can do better.” Shang interrupted her with a wicked smile present upon his visage.

“No you can’t.” she snapped quickly in response, asserting herself.

“Yes,” the sorcerer responded with a long, drawn out pause, creating finality, “I can.”

This part was amusing.

An immense stare off, a show down, if you will, took place between the two of them before, suddenly, they shared a laugh in unison, breaking the tension.

I tried very hard, and could not imagine Shang laughing in any other way other than maliciously.

“I like you, any chance you’ll just stand aside and let me win?” Carol feigned flirtation.

“Not in the slightest, my dear.” The sorcerer coed, obviously enjoying the innocent banter.

This told of ms Marvel's character inadvertently.

With this starting dialogue, I got a good sense of who Ms. Marvel was, without you having to outwardly describe her. Both contestants did very will in this category.

Well, they’re happy.” Ms. Marvel broke the tension, removing bits of sludge from her attire, she hadn’t previously noticed. Holding the ichor, a wave of uncomfortable illness washed over her, causing Carol to arch an eyebrow in response, “So, you want to see what kind of tricks I have up my sleeves?”

I like her personality a lot, she's enticing, sexy, and you really describe her to perfection.

She hunted for Shang Tsung, littering the field with powerful beams of red laser. You could take the girl out of the Airforce, but you couldn’t take the Airforce out of the girl!

This was a nice note to end on.

HI! So, for this category, I liked what you did with Ms Marvel v. Shang, however I felt like you could've done a bit more, and made it a bit more...effective. Her personality is great, but I would have wanted to see more. the higher score went to shang in this category, because I felt like he had a good consistency about his character, and I felt a very strong connection to how relatable his character was described and displayed.

Story: 4
You started off with a lot of dialogue, and while I enjoyed the use of it, I almost felt like there was a little TOO much. I’m not a big fan of dialogue when writing action, because I kind of suck at weaving them both together with a good balance, but when done well I can appreciate the use. You carefully constructed the dialogue to match each character well, but I felt like it took up too much space, considering the word limit, and I’m not sure I was 100% sold on its necessity considering how there was some potential action compromised in the introduction. I did not feel like the trade between describing the character, and their displays to the dialogue was the best choice. But even with that said, It surprised even me that I DID like it. It helped define the character’s personalities better.

Later there was a quaking that snapped them out of the dialogue, and I felt like that was done to perfection, because not only did you use the setting as a bit of a plot device/impactor, I just thought it was timed very nicely.

The clawing and tearing of a migraine, relentlessly assaulting her cerebellum.

Pressing her fingers to her temples, she did her best to abate the searing pain. However, as quickly as it came, the migraine left. In its place a new ailment developed within Carol’s stomach. Hunching forward, she clutched her sides for dear life and gave to the sludge her own contribution.

She gasped, cleaned the vomit from her face, and tried to access her situation

I felt that the use and impact of this really improved some of the action in this fight, and for this/picking up the pace, I favored this category a bit more.

Once the smoke settled, the two combatants were standing, ushering in a joyous, bloodthirsty roar from the crowd. This fight wasn’t over, not by a long shot.

This inclusion was very subtle, but I appreciated it.


Grammar and Spelling: 2

As the woman took her leave from Marvel, a dark haired man dressed in a yellow attire and equipped with steal weaponry, took her place.

*steel, an easy mistake to make, don’t worry too much about it.

“The pleasure is mine.” Responded an overly pleasant voice.

responded should be lowercase. You did this later on, so I only assume it to be an accident.

I could have took you with me when I left this place

Taken* small tense slip.

Shang began, his response seemingly to weigh heavily on his shoulders, as the words left his lips, “if only you could.”

Capital I in if

Shang Sung.

Christmas Carols? please love my pun sasuke

[/quote]Damn. Ribs busted. F*cking *sshole.” Carol cursed at Shang’s laser turret aftermath. She coughed and crimson answered. Contempt flavored her tongue,[/quote] after the dialogue, three periods seemed like too much, you could modify it so that it flowed a little better/more fluidly.

I wasn’t sure if the censorship was necessary but it didn’t bother me either way. (SN: Shang outright said asshole)

Hot; blistering hot.

no use of semi colon is needed, instead use a comma or period.

“So, you want to see what kind of tricks I have up my sleeves?”

I just wanted to bring to your attention that when used in this expression, sleeve is singular. It as in dialogue so I really didn’t take off for that.

With no more platform to hold onto, Ms Marvel,

extra comma before ms. marvel, and no period.

god like

needs a hyphen, yo’

No matter what mutant, super powered, god like foes she encountered, the good ones… the ones worth their salt…. they always had that, one common trait, one common denominator, and Shang Tsung… he had it. She would crush this opponent, she wouldn’t allow him vantage; she couldn’t afford to.

This part could be interpreted as formatting or something, but I felt like the first and second inclusion of ellipsis could be used as elongated hyphens instead. Then I felt like the last semi-colon was not really needed, and could have been a comma to pack more of a punch. When you see a battle, you’ll see mainly commas and periods, you won’t see a lot of semi-colons there, and I think there are a few reasons for it, one of them being they heed sentences, and they reduce the quality of the sentences, spacing, and syntax. In this case, I think it reduced the consequence of the last part being “she couldn’t afford to” which I felt was meant to be a bit stronger than it was delivered in this way.

casting a radiant glow of gold,

Preference “ and cast”

, but it matter not.

Mattered* / it didn’t matter


In this section, there were a few small mistakes, and I think they could’ve been caught with an extra look over. Don’t worry about it too much, but in the future I suggest an extra look under the preview option.

Total Score: 17 x .666 = 11.33






Shang

Description and Clarity: 4

Was this supposed to impress him?

For someone so skilled in the art of banter, the woman had certainly managed to invalidate any sort of threatening undertones from their exchange by plunged head-over-heels into the virtually opaque miasma that lined the floor of the Colosseum. When she made no effort to move, Shang shrugged his shoulders and glanced around for some sort of timekeeper or tournament official.

Unfortunately for the sorcerer, there weren’t any individuals in striped shirts to tell him how he should react to his opponent toppling several stories and smashing her face on the ground. Had he won?

Strong start, nice word choice.

Shang turned his focus toward a nearby platform. Much like all the others, it was made of steel and stood glued in midair by unseen forces. Unlike the others, it had a large, twin-barrel turret—a massive gun that could have been stolen from the deck of a twentieth century dreadnought—mounted to it. A small leap took the sorcerer over the gun platform, and with a sigh, he slipped in behind the glistening barrels of the weapon. The controls were by no means complicated. Two heavy handles controlled the aim, and there were bright red buttons for his thumbs. A child could have operated the heavy gun, and the thought of a toddler mowing down rebels brought a faint grin to the man’s face.

I felt like the part I bolded, the comma COULD have been moved to after “and” there wasn’t anything incorrect, but I will sometimes make small suggestions or notes like that so you can weigh how it sounds in your head. Carrying on..

There was a warm whoosh of air as the turret belched out a pair of condensed laser bursts from its barrels. Despite shooting energy and lacking any shell casings to eject, the gun still managed to have enough recoil to jar the sorcerer’s shoulders and nearly knock him off balance.

This was a cool excerpt.

As he leaned over the weapon, the sorcerer smiled as the smell of cordite burned at his nostrils. The Omniverse was a wonderful place. How long had it been since he smelled cordite? The First World War? Honestly, the nearly opaque layer of smog on the floor below and the pretense of so many wrecked vehicles jutting up from the toxins made it look akin to the last days at Passchendale or the Marne.

Hmm. The inclusion of this wasn’t “concise” and while I didn’t find it completely necessary, I thought it was cool to see the lens you used for Shang, and how the insight was brought to his character’s nonvocal narration. It could have been left out and I probably wouldn’t feel like I was missing anything. It felt like just an extra detail but I didn’t mind it and felt it showed variance and contrast for the sentence that follows: “All that was missing was the clatter of machineguns and the screams of men dying over a few square yards of blighted, blood-soaked soil.”

Before the sorcerer could offer another witty retort, she flung her hands forward, and with a flash of light, beams of energy erupted from each of her palms. Shang growled and dove away as the blasts smashed into the platform, rocking it back and forth as he landed shoulder-first on the other end. By the time he scrambled up to his feet, his opponent had joined him on his platform. Their eyes met for a brief moment before another twin burst of energy crashed against Shang’s chest and threw him from the floating perch.

This action was nicely described.

Fortunately for the sorcerer, the effects of whatever toxins littered the floor of the arena did seem to dissipate quickly as he shook some feeling into his extremities and tried to find where the woman had concealed herself.

The last half of the sentence I wasn’t really a big fan of “and tried to find where the woman had concealed herself” seemed a bit wordy. Maybe just “had hidden herself” or just something chill to end a sentence that already narrated a few actions. It could just be the phrasing, and I’m certainly not trying to nit-pick. Just thought I’d bring it to your attention.

Need a plan.

You’re probably fully aware of this, but I felt like the punctuation after it could have been “...” (to lead into the final “better be enough”) or a comma, but what you did was fine too.

In the few seconds it had taken him to veer the ship back up, the woman had already pulled in line behind him. She would need just a few more seconds to punch his fighter full of burning-red holes.

I wasn’t sure why, but this last sentence just didn’t flow the way I was expecting. “fighter full of” is a fine alliteration, but I think there needed to be something there. With the word limit, you probably had to delete some stuff, I wasn’t too worried about this one occurrence.

bloody fist

could have been “bloodied”

The ‘Eject’ button.

personal preference, but italics might look nice there too, this is only a suggestion.

You were skillful, excellent, and consistent in this category. Well done.

Voice: 3.5

He was burned, battered, and bloodied, but Shang Tsung still had enough left in his tank to drag himself up off the disease-infested soil of the stadium. All around him, lances of red energy bombarded the ground, tearing up clumps of dirt and stone as the woman in the spaceship sought out the fallen sorcerer. Amidst the haze of the burning platforms and the smoldering heaps of steel that now littered the battle zone, Shang concealed himself.

There were more nice examples of Shang's lens and how nicely some things were written, however, I felt like Ms. Marvel's voice was just a bit better than yours during this fight. Your style was very good, however I felt like more effort was attributed to character than this category specifically. Find a good balance between these two categories. You're almost there.

Character: 4

If blood is what they want…

I don’t know if you took my advice... But whatever you did it payed off. I had
a great sense of who Shang was starting from your very first post, and it showed very nicely! Little things were implemented to greater his personality’s overall effect, and there were honestly too many minute details to cite every single one. Nice descriptions.

The controls were by no means complicated. Two heavy handles controlled the aim, and there were bright red buttons for his thumbs. A child could have operated the heavy gun, and the thought of a toddler mowing down rebels brought a faint grin to the man’s face.

“Miss me?”

Cute. And by cute, I can imagine Ms Marvel wanting to punch him in the face for that.

Shang's character was great throughout this entire fight. I held off giving anything higher than a four, because I'm waiting to see some really passionate or enraged Shang. Is this a valid excuse? It is now. Emotion was described and I felt aligned with the character even from Ms. Marvels POV. Good work improving on this category.

Story: 3.5

When he had the smog-shrouded body of his adversary within the targeting reticule, the sorcerer looked up from the gun sights and flashed the crowd a ‘thumbs up.’ He got the reaction he wanted—a cacophony of deafening hoots and hollers that called for blood.

She’s quick on the draw. The sorcerer mulled over that thought as he twisted his body around and lashed out at the ground below with a telekinetic pulse. While it didn’t spare him much of the agony, the trick gave him a chance to position himself to roll with much of the impact. Unfortunately, the toxic miasma started to have an immediate effect on him as his eyes watered and he felt the familiar taste of bile start to well up in the back of his throat.

Through a fit of coughs, Shang rose to his feet and tried to determine the best means to ascend back to the platform.

This part matched similarly to what Ms Marvel did in her previous post. I felt like she did it a bit stronger and delivered its impact with more potency. However yours was equally described epically so I felt it was about equal in consequence overall.


*

It’s just the toxic vapors playing tricks on your mind. Focus.

He knew in his gut that was true, but even so, he felt his muscles getting stiff.

Doesn’t matter. She did it.

Now it was his turn.

Anything she can do…

“I can do better,” Shang coughed as he willed his legs to move forward.

This part’s inclusion really impressed me, to the point where your score was raised at least a half a point. I really liked how you skillfully brought it back to that and was stunned at just how smoothly it played out.

As his legs rushed him forward, the sorcerer threw out a hand and willed the nearby cable into his frantic grasp. Once he had it clenched in his dirty fist, he gave it a solid yank, liberating it from the wreckage. A beat later, he swung it out in front of him, wrapping it around part of the armory stand. Behind him, bolts of laser fire grew closer, nipping at his ankles from close enough away to heat his flesh. Before the assault could reach him, he lunged from the ground with everything he had left, his body swinging with the arc of the anchored cable. As the ground behind him erupted upward into a fount of dirt and stone, he was in the air, his lithe form slung upward behind the tension of the cable.

This part was simply thrilling. Enforced by the word choice that followed too.

This category was about a tie with your opponent. You did very well but your skill I felt wasn't always consistent with the very (sometimes elaborate) action you had Shang take. You did great in this category, but I felt more inclined by Marvel's consistency and that's what made the difference in the half point.

Grammar and Spelling: 5

Why is this category perfect? Your effort and proofreading shows.

Nice job.

TS: 20

The Winner Is Shang Tsung!

[Storyteller]

Okor v Luffy

FINALLY SOMEONE USED SP! (Other than myself) I don’t think we judges have a log for this, so I decided to store it at the bottom just before the final score!

Also, Luffy you are calling it way too close. I’m going to smack you. Your second post at the exact minute, made me go “WTF,” just saying. Also, I think part of what causes you to be slightly borderline time might be because you went over the word limit? I use “wordcounter.net” and so do the other judges. Your last post was only at 737 by my reading. Thought that’d make a good FYI.

Before I started reading the fight, I knew this would be a harder one, because I am familiar with both your styles. You’re very evenly matched, and I think this fight in particular will just really focus on what skill you were able to display during the rounds. I found you to both be very evenly matched and can only wish you... Good Luck!

Okor

Description and Clarity: 4

The marine breathed deep, savouring the acrid taste of chemicals and toxins that infused his ravaged lungs as the gong rang, echoing around the forest of steel and chrome. His lone eye sighted his opponent, a seemingly unarmed youth looking over the array of mortal weapons with rapt interest, a not-quite mad smile etched upon his scarred face, topped by an ostentatious straw hat.

Your intro sentence was classy.

They brought with them a promise of death and pain, eager to create a demise so violent that even the immortal denizens of this accursed realm would think twice about daring to oppose him and his masters.

I appreciated this little bit because a part of my job is to make sure the reading is comprehensible to all parties, and I felt like your word choice and style match what you are trying to display very well.

It was at this point that the pirate, rather than being simultaneously shot, burnt, irradiated, partially exploded, and acquiring tetanus to boot, cartwheeled away from the incoming hail, limbs stretching impossibly to carry him out of harm's way. Shouting a string of curses (A dangerous thing when you devote your life to a Dark God fond of laying a malediction upon an entire bloodline), his weapons barked again, a trail of shrapnel and fire following his agile adversary.

A few things. You have a colorful vocabulary, and it’s something I really admire, but in this section, there are a lot of commas. and then later, there are parenthesis. Sometimes parenthesis can heed a sentence’s flow, so just keep that in mind for later fights.

incoming hail, limbs stretching impossibly to carry him out of harm's way.

This extra comma could have been “with his” to avoid the overuse in that sentence, cause there were quite a few.

His opponent once more chose

that could be, for a smoother read, “His opponent chose once more”

universal concepts of entropy, decay, and the inevitability of death.

This part felt a little wordy because of the word “inevitability” keep an eye on words to describe other words, adjectives won’t always work in your favor if they don’t feel/seem well-placed.

I’ve been mentioning this a lot to people,

In his still-dripping hands, he clutched the rusted blade, preparing to swing its heavy edge towards the strange, infuriating youth. His armour was still dented and cracked from his first blow,

But just keep an eye on your use of “his” as it can get a bit busy during sentences like this.

With a screamed curse, the pestilential paladin fell, dead claws scrabbling at the rapidly corroded floor he once stood upon, desperately seeking for any hold, no matter how tenuous.

The last little bit “no matter how tenuous” struck me as a little out of place, I think it was the use of “tenuous.” Don’t get too excessive with your adjectives, and if something sounds a bit long when you read it, consider swapping/trading out one word for another. The use of tenuous in this case, I felt, reduced some of the grueling effect that it had on the reader.

Decrepit vertebrae cracked under the force, the absurd strength of his foe causing him to spiral ever-downwards, his fragile handhold shattering under his weight.

Initially I read “shattering” as “shattered” the tense change brings a bit more resolution the the sentence’s end, you’re under a word limit and I can see a few places were commas were substituted for words. It may just be your style, but sometimes swapping them out helps the writing remain varied.

With arms sizzling from the hostile environs, chemically-induced lesions spreading across his bare flesh, he removed his helmet, raising its damaged construction over his horn.

The first comma I would have preferred it to be the word “and” written, it would have helped with the conversion over to “he removed his helmet” which is past tense compared to present being what you used.

Plague Marine along for the ride, mists blurring below as he accompanied the fist on its journey to the platform. To battle. The journey of Nurgle’s chosen was interrupted by a sudden whipping motion from his foe

formatting this, I just had a really brief suggestion. “To battle” was drowned out a little bit, by one separation due to the way the paragraph fell. I sometimes check for things like this when I post my own things, however I also wanted to keep in mind on preview it may not even show it, as well as certain devices are set to certain font sizes. I read “to” and then “battle” separately, and it lost a bit of consequence for me. I felt like (despite your very nicely written style) that it could have been separated, or perhaps brought to a little more potential impact in its delivery.

cried the youth, a rubber foot colliding into Okor’s skull.

For that comma, I felt like I would have rather it said “and a rubber foot collided into Okor’s skull” however I think it’s mostly preference, things like this are nice to keep in mind.

Voice: 4.5
Your narration was very good,

What threat did this youth pose to hi-

at this point, I was hanging off of your words. I really enjoyed what you brought consistently throughout the fight, you really make your skill look effortless.

Warnings blared in his helm, cautioning him that his ‘air’ supply was breached. Accompanying it were sigils Okor no longer recognized, lost to the rotten recesses of his mind. A skull and crossed bones. A circle surrounded by three warped squares.

This part was really well done.

Through black, broken teeth he breathed, magical death flowing past his lips. Just like home.

Pistons snarled in protest as their workings suffered under the noxious touch of the gas. But he moved, hauling himself ever-upward, towards his doom.

A desiccated tongue was visible through the ragged hole, stewing in a noxious mixture of disease.

Even when you read this line alone, it is really epic, and I loved every part of it. You’ll see I don’t have too many examples in this part, but thats because your voice was thoroughly consistent throughout the entire fight, and this really helped work in some of every other category. You and Luffy make a good foil, I might say, as this is some of your best work.

Character: 5

The millennia-old warrior wasted no time with taunts, war cries, or threats. The Gods favoured those who were known by deed, rather than by word, after all. Cloven hoof and steel boot stomped across the chrome surface of the platform, as he raised rusted weapons in necrotic hands, rotten fists closing around the trigger of bolter and pistol. With dull thumps, they spat their shells, rocket-propelled slugs screaming through the air towards the lean figure, howling a wordless serenade of death and fury that had brought the end of countless worlds.

This part was awesome in more ways than one. You subtly put in a bit about Okor’s origins, and then flew forth with action.

. “Cor, ain't you an ugly one. Didn’t think I hit you bad enough to give you a mug that bad.” Okor’s cyclopean, hateful eye fixated itself on his foe, as he drew his pitted blade, necrotic slime dripping from his blackened teeth.

OH NO YOU DIDN’T ! (I liked the prompt at banter, while you kept it to a minimal and focused on Okor’s inner workings.

”You really think you’re the… newcomer here, don’t you? The underdog, the… clever gladiator, here to trick and overcome the reigning champions.” He hacked up a gobbet of corrosive phlegm, its gelatinous mass streaked with translucent blood. Peals of warped laughter preceded his next bout of verbosity. ”How long have you languished in these… tides of power? The very essence of victory suffuses your being. You are an abomination borne of a godling’s warped whims, catapulted to the highest… echelons of strength. You are the champion, the monster that must be slain. I am naught but your next…victim.”

This was like, the coolest thing ever.



Throughout the battle, I felt you had an EXCELLENT sense of character, and I really thought that since your last battle, you even grew in this category. Okor was a great rival for Luffy, and he was UNFATHOMABLY consistent. I really loved hating his character and part of me loved LOVING his character, so I felt like the only thing to do was give you a super awesome grade. You did really, truly well in this category, and I think your hard work paid off. I really hope you maintain how well he was displayed *spoiler* next round.


Story: 3.5

He could feel his blighted life force slipping away, seeping onto the ground surrounding him. Are you reclaiming what is yours, my Lord? He wondered, his opponent closing in as his limbs began to melt away, turning into a virulent slime. I can still fight. Let me fight. Am I not worthy to bear your gifts? As his flesh rotted and liquefied, the pirate swung his rubbery fist, its momentum carrying it towards Okor's horned helmet.

While this had more to do with your character, I thought it was cool as heck.

A toxic miasma enshrouded Okor, gases swirling around his bulk as he stumbled backwards, the ferocity of his opponent throwing him off-balance. His guns fell and affixed themselves to his greaves, the possibility of flammability not entirely discounted. It was nigh-impossible to think. The youth was a constant blur of motion, striking with impossibly powerful blows. Better than you.

This part was great too! This was from your second post, but you started out strong (again) and I felt like it certainly paid off because its impact was easily delivered to the reader. The thought had great consequence, and I really liked how/where it was placed.

He impaled his naked palm on a brutal spike, solidifying his grip. Hang on, even if only by a thread. Never fall, never surrender.

When I read this, I had to reread it to know that I was reading it right. This really reinforces how awesome your character and the story are woven together. I couldn’t have been more impressed.

A grim chuckle leaked from his shattered mouth as he advanced forward, his antique blade scraping across the platform, creating sparks in its wake. “But I’ll be damned… again, if I don’t leave my mark.” He rasped, spitting his defiance. If he could endure this onslaught for a few minutes more, Nurgle would take the fool. Gears grinded as he began his charge, a veritable stampede towards his agile opponent. If.

I really felt like your good sense of character helped the story you displayed come across the way it did -which was done very well- however, I think you do need a tad bit of improvement in this category, because while I liked how it wove together and was balanced, other readers or judges may not find that quite as impacting on the overall story and plot.

To improve, I would just say keep doing what you are doing, and don’t be afraid to add whatever you can to Okor’s motivation, or otherwise you could play off of your opponent in this category.

*seriously be careful with this category.

Grammar and Spelling: 4

Shouting a string of curses (A dangerous thing when you devote your life to a Dark God fond of laying a malediction upon an entire bloodline), his weapons barked again, a trail of shrapnel and fire following his agile adversary.

“a” should be lowercase.

Watch comma usage.

"Gomu Gomu Spear!" Yelled his opponent,

yelled should be lowercase, but next time I suggest “Luffy yelled” or “Luffy, his opponent, yelled” which saves word space, however I do appreciate the subtle explanation that “his opponent” offers to the reader. POV/ expressing that was a nice touch.

"bullet",

While this isn’t technically incorrect, I think it would look better if it was avoided being used after the quotation mark.

It joined the rest of the marine's corporeal form on the floor as the blow struck, Luffy's clenched fingers meeting the steel wall of the dwelling place, demolishing the fragile architecture of the structure, and bringing it down on the pair.

instead of meeting, I would prefer “met” having been used, however on the greater scale of the sentences (which is separated by commas into three parts) it fits better the original way, I just thought I would make note of this.

After a brief lull in the action, dust and powdered metal spreading from the collapsed ruin, an elastic arm protruded from the remnants of what was once a hovel, followed quickly by the malleable body of its owner

I believe you meant spread or spread out.

Laughing, he spoke: “Well, that was easier than expected.”

I didn’t really see the purpose of the colon being used before the quotation marks rather than just a comma.

“Who’s next? I think my warmup is just about done!” While the insufferable youth taunted and crowed, the amorphous form of Okor coalesced behind him, returning from his state of primordial ooze.

This is mainly style choice, I believe, but I don’t care for quotes in the middle of paragraphs (I find them a bit messy) and after the use of the above, the POV *seems* to switch. Keep an eye on that sort of thing.

His armour was still dented and cracked from his first blow, a feat that only a handful of entities could replicate.The child may have been strong, but Okor was eternal. He swung his blighted blade, tearing through the air, destined to connect with the pirate’s neck.

Right here, “The” is missing a space, which means if it had a space, you’d be bumped up to 750 words on the dot. BE SUPER CAREFUL!

Ittttt happened again in this one. (2nd post)

Nurgle’s chosen son slammed onto the harsh rockcrete,cracks spinning a haphazard web across its surface.

Lastly, during your last post I don’t think I had to worry at all about grammar, and I could really just enjoy the fight. Good work.


Okor used:1 SP used to activate Grave Warden (+2 ATk, +2 DEF, +1 TEC). 1 SP will be used to sustain it on Luffy's post. 2 SP remaining, 1 SP remaining after Luffy's post.


Total Score: 21



Luffy

Description and Clarity: 4
LUUFFYY! What was with the lines at the top and bottom of your first post man?

I’m not sure it counts toward word usage or not, but to avoid any needless word usage, best leave those out for optimal formatting.

The oxidized hunk of millennia-old steel cleaved through a waft of noxious air, yet nothing more.

For clarity, instead of yet, you may decide “but” is a bit more feasible in this sentence. It felt a little “cut off” so just watch out for that sort of thing in the future.

Certain to claim yet another soul for his memorandum, the heretic chose to forego proper footing. As the rustic headhunter swung with intent as grotesque as his form, Straw Hat fortuitously zipped his rubber dome down beneath the toothy blade's pathway, leaving his aesthetically infamous headwear a mere hairline above the flesh divider as it carved steadily under. The pirate's acclimated Observation Haki proved fruitful once more.

When I was reading this, I found your vocabulary was a bit superfluous, just keep in mind we want the words to flow on the “tongue” so to speak, and sound good in our heads to match the sentences, we don’t want a tangle of adjectives in our heads, or dead words that weigh down the sentence that would otherwise be light and buoyant.

marine's abdominal region.

Abdominal region struck me as a bit plain, instead, spice it up, your competition brought his a-game and you both are very evenly matched!

Drawn into a frenzy of laborious shuffles and shirks, Luffy exploited his superior agility and spunk. Akin to a monkey swinging from branch to branch,

I am voicing this because I think its a bit mentionable, “much akin” might sound a bit better, but I know you have a word limit to keep in mind.

A stray slug whizzed true, gouging a superficial dollop of muscle from his pliable tricep.

Keep in mind, we don’t want our descriptions to be flat. While the word dexterity and usage is anything but, I felt like it was a lot of words. Those like “pliable” and “true” just seem placed/switched in their extra at the last minute. It is okay to say that “a stray slug whizzed by” and I think it simplifies it so that the the description doesn’t get in the way of the reader imagining the action.

A mere glancing blow, though it may as well have been a point-blank of buckshot as seething pain leaked from the virulent flesh wound. His veins pulsed and purpled near the cauterized entry point, evidence of myriad infections seeping in.

Watch sentence structure for clarity.

With a clack, the warmonger retracted his aberrant firearm. His lonesome eye scanned the field, searching incessantly for a boiling corpse.

While I really liked this sentence, I found myself a bit partial as to whether I preferred “a boiling corpse” verses “his boiling corpse” which makes it a bit more personal. I also appreciate how you avoided an excessive pronoun that might add confusion to the mix. Good work being careful here.

As the youth unfurled, his concocted assault enveloped and trapped the heretic within a prison of pestilent haze which disintegrated his fortified bastion. For the average mortal, such a corraling swamp of baleful miasma would secure sweet demise, but what of Mugiwara's hermetically impermeable foe?

Your word choice seems a bit hefty in your first post, but I noticed it gradually gets better as time goes by, don’t let your descriptions keep you from the feeling they should elicit.

"Erk!" the overtly resolute pirate cringed, slumping to a knee as he clapped a palm against the gangrenous cleft of ruptured flesh upon his blistered tricep. Crippling pangs of caustic death nectar slithered throughout the seafarer's veins, ravaging his central nervous system and fuddling major motor functions.

Your second post came out much better, and had a stronger start with your use of words.

After tumbling along the platform like a gummy rag doll, Luffy recovered with a clumsy skid along the stage, only to be rewarded by a ferocious boot from the garish goliath.

THIS ONE RIGHT HERE! I included because of your opponent, Okor. His sentence structure uses more commas, and also remains consistent with the use of tenses. His probably would have read “clumsily skidding along the stage” and I just thought this was an interesting intricacy to show the difference of styles. I actually prefer when writing and reading this way, but this really has to do with voice* I preferred not to put it there because of formatting. I think both have their advantages and disadvantages. In this case I felt like the middle part -while it isn’t wrong, nor did I dislike its use- could have been a tad bit reformatted to add the most minute amount of consequence to the final “only to be rewarded by.” This is probably the smallest thing ever, but I really liked bringing the comparison to each writer’s attention.

However, his reprieve of safety was a scant recess as his beastly foe pulverized the handhold with a well-placed spatter of gunfire.

I had this happen in the previous fight, however I wanted to bring to your attention that you used “the handhold” rather than using a pronoun, neither is incorrect, a pronoun can make it more personal, but you avoided any confusion of which character’s handhold it was, and I appreciated the acute demonstration of making your actions as precise as possible.

To conclude, I felt like you did well in this category, and I felt your clarity and description were better woven in during the conclusion of the fight.

Voice: 4
Your voice is exciting, lively, and free spirited!

Alas, fate would see it so.

Shunk!

"Gack!" the squirrely combatant quailed.

If I had any suggestions to offer you at this time, it would be to match the up-beat tempo a bit better to the flow, tone, and setting of your entire posts.

"Erk!" the overtly resolute pirate cringed, slumping to a knee as he clapped a palm against the gangrenous cleft of ruptured flesh upon his blistered tricep. Crippling pangs of caustic death nectar slithered throughout the seafarer's veins, ravaging his central nervous system and fuddling major motor functions.

The fuming extraterrestrial relished at the sight of his eccentric foe lying pacified, writhing on the frigid, metallic scaffolding like the worms that fed on his withered skin.

Ew. This was nicely uh.. described. Perturbingly vivid.

Doom–doom–doom–doom.

Drumming gallops of semblant cannonade blossomed as the densely fortified juggernaut thundered forth with steady jaunts, Mugiwara centered amidst the crosshairs of his begrudged ferocity. Every titanic stomp scarring an imprint into the battle-marred platforms, Okor snarled through degenerated chompers. Not one to frighten easy, Luffy stood his ground with visage veiled by a menacing shadow of spite.

I think your third post was your best one yet, and had you maintained that consistency throughout the fight, there would have been more impact, more display and consequence of the words you chose, more inclination toward your character (making Luffy a bit more relatable). I felt like the story and action were done well, but depending on your voice for delivery. Keep an eye on that, but, I also wanted to say that had it been a tad more consistent, your score would have been higher for at least this category.

I really enjoyed your gradual growth through this fight, and as always, love your style.

Character: 4

Heh, boy am I sure glad those arena bosser guys magically brought you back to me with that glowing, rainbow stuff! I thought I lost you forever to that cloaked creepo. What would the Straw Hat Pirates become without a straw hat?? Hmm, but I wonder how they did that? Ah well, it's a mystery! Kehehehe, 'least now I don't have to worry about letting Shanks down afte—

RATATATATAT!

While I found this insight on what luffy was thinking enjoyable, I was a bit worried in the delivery and it’s lack of consequence. Keep an eye on subtly hinting on what this should mean to the reader. If someone hasn’t seen one piece, who is shanks to them?

"Guhhh, iz zis whad Zoro feels like da day affer he guzzles down all zat booze?" Mugiwara leisurely secreted from his dribbling maw, summoning every morsel of gumption to rise up and steel his mettle.

I liked the inclusion of this dialogue, because it was specific, and also general. Anyone who doesn’t watch OP will know Luffy is talking about a hangover, anyone who does, will know the specific character you named. Luffy’s dialogue adds a little spice to the mix of each post, and I think you delivered this specific line very well.

"No, THIS is pain, boy!" the devout macabre interjected, plunging through the concealing cloud and hoisting his carnal reaper with far greater ease than previously capable, briskly rending the caustic air on its hungered path for the enemy's guts. Pressed for time to rebound, Straw Hat meagerly avoided death via bisection, instead procuring a gnarly laceration along his toned abdomen, adding to his collection of cankerous lesions.

"Ergh! I wasn't finished talking you gloppy goober!" Luffy lashed out, zipping clear of the armored husk's lonesome optic. Scanning the field incessantly, he spotted the stretchy scrapper above him in the nik of time, just long enough to see a mighty fist barreling toward him like a spiraling drill.

"Gomu Gomu Rifle!" The captain exclaimed as his corkscrewing mitt bore into the heretic's chest plate, his gnarled ceramite vestment crumbling against pulverizing gyrations. Amidst the heated onslaught, Okor managed to snag ahold of his assailant's whirling arm to halt its motion. Making use of his hulking figure, the space gunner swung his limber nemesis 'round and 'round before ultimately hammering the lad into the steely terrain.

"You're ten thousand years too early to lecture me about inner strife you doltish pup," he barked, casually awaiting his foolish adversary's riposte.

This banter was awesome! I really loved it because you didn’t overwhelm the reader. Usually banter fits well in the beginning and middle posts, however I felt like this promoted the plot a little, so I wasn’t too worried about the slight takeaway it may have had on the conclusion.


You and Okor had a very nice foil, even with your styles and sentence structures. I liked the alternating of light and dark as I read your fight, and felt like each character was “fun” in their own way. I enjoyed seeing Okor’s ruthless brutality, and then Luffy’s careless determination. This was really charming. You both did a wonderful job with this. In the future I would have liked to see a little more depth with Luffy, but I know with the word limit and his personality it is difficult. I wanted to be on his side, but Okor’s character really impressed me to the point that I had to give him the better score in this category.

Story: 3.5

Clamoring out from the death shroud, a shrewd battle cry snatched the marine's attention with haste. How any living being of flesh and bone could survive in such a visceral cage of gaseous contagions even he knew not of was a baffling mystery.

The integration of setting was very nicely incorporated in this post, it was vibrant and well-dictated.

Okor catapulted himself from corroded panel to panel; his stripped ceramite armor truly devastating to the heretic's defenses, though proved advantageous for maneuverability. Brandishing the putrefied bisector which had tasted the innards of foes by the hundreds, he divided the air and zeroed in on an immobile Straw Hat, primed for maiming.

Klang!

I said it earlier, but your second post got across much better to the reader, and the flow was definitely there. I liked how you interchanged action and I like it when you pause for sound effects (voice) I thought it was very nicely done.

Against appalling odds he surfaced victorious from that rancid hell, and this gauntlet of grisly might would be no different. This deathly bog would not be his grave; not today, not ever. Just as with the briny deep of the arduous grand line, Luffy would triumph over doubt and emerge a medalist. He tirelessly sought the title of "King of the Pirates," but for now would settle for "Champion of the Colosseum."

This was nicely implemented, however I felt like there was a bit of explanation missing for those who don’t one piece. I’m not saying to make your character universal, just keep an eye on that kind of thing. Other than that, I placed it here because it really showed your character’s motivation, and later you mention Luffy’s strategy to “thrash” Okor, (I was amused how Luffy just pronounces everything he is going to do) and I loved the dialogue woven in as though it were a part of the story.

It grew more and more apparent that Luffy was the impetuous hare in this voracious relay of wits and wills, and Okor the cleverly tempered tortoise. Nurgle's chosen had patiently worn Mugiwara down, whose tremorous blows proved effectual but held no significant value against a warrior lassoed by the threads of death itself. The longer this progressed, the further his odds depleted. The walking aegis needed to be felled now.

This part kind of made it feel like Luffy was losing, and I would’ve felt a bit disheartened had Luffy’s determination been so well delivered to finalize the post/fight.

"Huff . . . I can't see . . . can't smell . . . huff . . . can't hear. Ugh, can barely stand to boot," Luffy pondered, amassing the likelihood of victory and failure alike. But I've still got a chance . . . If I have no way to know where he is, I'll just hit everything!

Inhaling the distasteful air around him, Luffy swelled up like a fleshy blimp and proceeded to twist his torso around with several motions, striking curiosity in the marine standing idle. "Gomu Gomu no . . . " he incanted with a murmur before exhaling a torrential gust from his lips and uncoiling to propel himself forth at grand velocity.

" . . . STOOORM!! RAHHH!!!" He shouted with finality in his tone, delivering a wicked maelstrom of rabid fists akin to a gatling barrage of doom.

This category was well done, but I think there needed to be a little something extra to connect with the reader.

Grammar and Spelling: 4.5

Though muscular by his own right, in comparison to someone of Okor's stature it was little more than a sprig, effortlessly snapped under the smite of his boot. Dethroning his patented cap from the crest of his noodle, Mugiwara gazed merrily at it.

These two sentences I felt had a bit of messed up placement for commas. I would even go so far as to say that it could use a period or two. Like so:

Though muscular by his own right, in comparison to someone of Okor's stature it was little more than a sprig. Effortlessly, it snapped under the smite of his boot and dethroned his patented cap from the crest of his noodle, *the Mugiwara gazed merrily at it.

I made a few tweaks, and I wasn’t sure if I thought the last little bit was necessary, or just added a little extra words, so I think if you could bring consequence to that action, it would be a little more impacting on the reader.

brought you back to me with that glowing, rainbow stuff!

In my opinion, a comma isn’t really needed, because “rainbow stuff” is used more as a noun. I won’t be taking off for this, because honestly I feel it could go either way, but it is certainly one of those things worth noting in this section.

Okor lurched ever slightly at the display before him, mulling over his limited options, prepping experienced defensive measures.

FWOOOM.

"AIR GUN!!" he cried out fervently as a contrived

[/quote][/quote] keep in mind “he” refers to the person mentioned previous to the sentence. In this case it looks like it was accidentally Okor.

Throughout the entire battle, I think you did really well to avoid grammatical errors, and I didn’t have to worry about a thing. Way to make it easy on me, nicely done!


Luffy used :Using Tier 1 Super Move: Gomu Gomu Storm, -1 SP.

Total Score: 20

The Winner is Okor!

[Storyteller]

Still working on Kopaka's C&C. It should be up soon!

Kopaka

Description & Clarity: 3.5

Voice: 2

Character: 2.5

Story: 3

Grammar: 3


Total: 14


Courier 6

Description & Clarity: 3
Overall, your descriptions were above normal. You had a good presence of interesting details and I felt like I understood what was happening for the vast majority of the post.

There were a few times in which I was wondering exactly how the Courier was moving in order to get to the next phase of action, for example:

Kopaka swung his blade at Six's ankles, making a strangely distinctive sound as it missed upon the gunslinger hopping over it. The Courier could only assume this meant it was much more powerful than she originally noted.

Taking the cue, Six jerked herself forward, stabbing down at her opponent, before he immediately raised his shield again.

I’m not sure why the sword would be more powerful? Is it his swing? Is it the weapon itself? Also, did she attack from mid-air, because that’s what I immediately assumed.

This is NOT a deal-breaker. It’s just an example of things that COULD be more clear and clean, but in moments of elevated action, these things happen.

I think that adding more adjectives and adding more depth to your description will not only make it pop more, but it will make the action more clear. This is because it allows us to see the INTENTION of the action through descriptive text, along with the words that bluntly describe what is going on.

Voice: 2.5
Not bad at all, but it also didn’t pop off of the page. The things that separated you from Kopaka is that you had a bit of liveliness to your posts, a sort of pep that was more absent in his. Things seemed to, at times, have more urgency and importance.

I would still point to the fact that a lot of your posts felt really procedural. It felt like I was just reading a list of things that were happening at times, and it was sadly devoid emphasis in places that could have direly used it. I feel like this is, in part, due to the amount of inner monologue that was going on. It can really suck the life out of an important moment when:

As Six revved herself back, she got lost in thought, worried that she didn't know exactly how to handle a shield.

And then, for the next three paragraphs, the action all but grinds to a halt.

BAM pulled us right out of a dramatic action moment and she’s drifting off in thought. It DRAINS the personality and excitement from the writing.

But, as I said, there were plenty of times when you managed to give us a little taste of flavor to you writing.

Another familiar boom cracked through the air as this Kopaka individual immediately picked himself up, slamming his strangely-shaped shield into the Courier's gun, herself in a bit of shock as it flew into the air.

It kind of gives us a taste of how the Courier views her opponent and herself I nthe situation.

Character: 2.5
I think you definitely did above average showing off the Courier as a character. You showed off a really personal moment when they were afraid, which added a bit to the character’s depth. Certainly better than a good chunk of folks writing here.

I guess my major complaint is that you didn’t really show us the character through their actions. It just felt like a string of THINGS happened, and the character shouldered through them. I don’t feel like I know them any better, and I don’t feel like I really got the core of who they are as people, either through action or dialogue or even the exposition.

It’s not necessarily about revealing your past, it’s not necessarily about the weapons they use. It’s about the little things. It’s about HOW they hold the knife. It’s about the tension in their muscles. It’s about the way her breath rasps on the inside of her mask. It’s the DETAILS, small and intimate, that make your character come to life. Think of the smallest aspects of what makes the Courier who she is.

Story: 2.5
I’d say that for the parts of the story that moved forward, it was pretty compelling. I liked the part where you went for the laser, I liked the parts where you were forced to deal with the differences in your fighting styles, and I like that you addressed your character feeling fear for the first time in forever.

A lot of your posts consist of the inner monologue, and it CRIPPLED the forward movement of the story. In the second post, there were only two or three actions that happened, and the rest was monologue about the character’s feelings and thoughts. A little bit of what you put down was really enriching the post, and the rest of that felt like filler.

Don’t underestimate your reader’s ability to infer what’s happening in your character’s head through their actions, or the things they do. Yeah, you can give us exposition every now and then, but when your posts turn into MOSTLY exposition, it really hampers you.

Look for ways to SHOW US what your character is feeling as they go through their actions. What are their hands doing? What about their feet? There are a myriad of ways you can show us what’s going through your character’s head without expressly writing about it.

Grammar: 3
A few typos here and there. It all comes down to proofreading. Find a way that helps you find little errors, because they are few and far between but still present.

Total: 13

WINNER: KOPAKA
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.

[Storyteller]

[spoiler]I like his little internal monologues! They’re always hilarious and they add a lot to your style.

I really liked the flow of the opening paragraph. Good use of short and long sentences. “Yeah, he was good. He'd gotten past the Jolly Green Not-so-Giant without any trouble, whether it had been luck or his own skill choosing a damned fine time to jump out and assert itself in the most violent way possible.” Is the only thing I tripped over a little.

Good little detail with his teeth.

Short sentences used for maximum impact.

That heart line is golden.

The description of the scene is a great expository scene. Really helped the narrative.

Good use of the senses. That pollution needed a good introduction, and there it was.

I enjoy his wild frustration with the situation. Hilarity ensues.

“tin can-clad weapon-man” great line

The frailty and introspection of your character is freaking AWESOME. He is very relatable, and very… “real”? I don’t know, I like the way you handle his problems.

Tartaros Post 1

“Foul things, suffocating everything around them in a blanket of heat, sweat and drowning all sound with the thud of pistons. However, such was the smell of progress, of success.” Hnnngh so grimdark. Love it.

I appreciate the fact that you recognize that you’re murdering children for bloodsport.

“Idly grabbing some sort of pistol from the rack behind him and clipping it to his belt, Tartaros clambered up onto another platform, only to be met by a shrieking yell.” I feel like that might have been split off at belt? I dunno, tiny nitpicky nonsense.

While I do appreciate your own unique intro to the scene, I feel like the recap could have been skipped, and most of the elements you used could have been used while continuing the scene forward. You could have talked about the mist as he ran and leapt over the platforms, and mentioned where he had grabbed the pistol when you used it. Recapping just generally slows you down, and in a competition where your word-count is tightly regulated, it can break you off at the knee. Try to find a way to integrate those details in while moving forward I guess is my suggestion.

I think this is a pretty decent characterization of Adam, though I have to admit it feels a little bit strained. It’s hard to nail another person’s character after such a short time, so I’d say you did well.

I had a bit of a hard time figuring out what exactly Adam was going for with the Time Stop.

Adam Post 2

“DON’t PANIC” I’m not sure if this is a typo or a Homestuck thing. I feel that way about literally every typo that is made with your crew.

I like the way that the time-stop happens. It was well described, and I didn’t feel lost when I realized that Adam was ALSO stuck. It was clearly detailed and interesting.

The fact that the grenade hurt his shin is a great detail that many writers would not have thought about. Those things are friggin heavy.

Good image of the explosion reflected in his glasses.
(Total aside: When we did grenade training, we would throw a grenade, and then duck behind a barrier so you didn’t like, DIE or whatever. But, human nature being what it is, you WANNA WATCH IT EXPLODE. So people that stood there in imminent threat of having shrapnel jammed into their faces were called, “Lookers” and had big L’s drawn on their helmets in chalk. Adam is totally a Looker.)

I like the description of Tartaros’ Diablo-melta thing’s effects.

Tartaros Post 2

I find it interesting that so much of your posts are from ADAM’S perspective. It’s nto a bad thing, but I find it interesting. It sort of implies that Adam has a more interesting personal narrative for the scene?

“ limbs flailing around the place with all the grace of a drunken orangutan,” great line

“Staring down, Adam found a half-melted bolter and burnt, figure on the platform below, glaring at him and taking aim with a pistol.” The commas in this sentence are all wonky.

The Adam inner monologue was little weird for me. I had a hard time following his train of thought, which messed with my ability to track what was going on in the scene. Not world-ending, just a little foggy.

I’m glad you gave Adam the TIE fighter.

PFFFT, TIE FIGHTERS HAVE GREEN LASERS JEEZE PFFTPFPPFFPPFFFT

I find it hilarious that both of these guys just inherently know how to fly a TIE fighter. Not bad, by any means, just funny.

I really like the idea of Tartaros crashing INTO Adam’s fighter. I do think that this scene could have been more highlighted. It feels like you just ran out of words and kind of just tried to jam it in there, but I would say it’s the most dramatic thing that’s happened in this fight so far, with maybe the time stop ahead of it. And yet, it got very little emphasis. I might have moved some of the post around and cut out some of the running in order to give that scene more room.

Adam Post 3

Ah shit, is he not like, inside the cockpit? I probably just misread it.

“There was a groan of metal as Tartaros's fist smashed through the metal plating of the fighter, and if it had been a second quicker, it would have smashed straight into Adam's head as opposed to the seat, mid-ejection as it was, sending Adam's head and....well, everything, on a direct collision course with the rim of the ejection port.” This sentence is a bit confusing. I had to re-read it a few times. I might have chopped it up into a few smaller sentences and tried to make it a step-by-step of what happens.

Ok, I know that Adam hit the ejector port rim, but now I’m not sure what’s going on. I he still inside the craft? Is he outside of it? Ok, he’s still in the craft. Is it hovering? Is it flying? Is it crashing?

The intentional confusion about whether or not he had been stabbed was good. It made me double-take, but it seems like that was the point.

Ok, so Tartaros is inside the cockpit now, and is tearing his way out, following Adam.

I do like that Adam is making his way through this fight by the seat of his pants, and using his time-powers to figure out what to do next. The ending was a fun place to cut it off.[/spoiler]

Adam Gaite

Description & Clarity: 3
Overall, very good description. I feel like I could have seen MORE, but it felt fun and balanced with the pacing and detail given, so I have no major complaints there. I DID stumble through some places, especially in the last post, as I detailed above.

I overall really liked the whole “TIE fighter” portion of the fight, and tearing through it is really awesome, but it got a bit confusing there for a bit.

Voice: 4
I think this is your strongest point. You really hammer your character and yourself into the reader, and we are imprinted with what it’s like to read your work. So strong is your voice, that Tartaros was able to replicate it a bit when he was writing from your character’s POV, and that’s a strong statement.

Character: 4
Your characterization of Adam was really strong. He felt present, and I felt like I got to know him really well. I like that you essentially characterized Tartaros as a rusty monster, but I do feel that you could have done more with that character while you had your hands on him.

Story: 3
You managed to keep things moving, and you managed to make that movement feel fun and engaging, for the most part. You had the same tendency as Tartaros of handing off the exciting parts of the post off to the next writer, which I think could have been better utilized. I really loved the scene where they were both tearing through the TIE fighter and going back and forth, with Adam basically narrowly avoiding death at every turn. The time-freeze scene was really dramatic and well done.

Grammar: 3.5
Not a huge list of things to gripe about here, but typos were present, and there was some weird formatting here and there.

Total: 17.5


Tartaros

Description & Clarity:3
There were choppy bits here and there, but for the most part it was pretty on point. I had a hard time following what was happening here and there, and I think a part of that

Voice: 3
I feel like your strongest Voice is using your native media. Seeing the world through the lexicon and shade of Tartaros is interesting and fresh, so I think it hurt you not writing more from his point of view. Your writing from Adam’s POV was solid, and had a good sense of humor, but also, I really missed having more of Tartaros’ presence in your posts.

Character: 3
You handled both characters well, and I think you did a pretty good job of handling Adam’s neurotic and humorous nature. The times when Tartaros was on the page you handled him with an interesting way, but again, there was less of him than I would have liked. Tart just came out a little bit flat.

Story: 2.5
I feel like the pacing of your posts was a bit off, usually sort of taking Adam’s lead and using some filler to pad out the space in between big moments. The biggest example of this to me is the recap posting, and then after that it was the anticlimax of Tartaros jumping out of the TIE fighter. You had great ideas, but they didn’t seem to be the focus of your writing. There was a lot of running involved. You also handed off the time-freeze to Adam, which I feel would have been an exciting scene for you to go through.

Grammar: 3.5
A few little errors here and there, but nothing world-ending. I think you’ve improved your formatting and technical aspects of your writing a lot.

Sub-total: 15
x 2/3

Total: 10

WINNER: ADAM GAITE
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.

[Storyteller]

Magus vs. Dante

Dante

Description & Clarity: 4 - I Really enjoyed the way you described almost everything. It was really engaging, exciting and didn’t seem super repetitive. It also didn’t get in the way of the clarity of everything that was situated around Dante and Magus. in particular, I enjoyed the way you described both Characters actions and their interactions with the world around them. Having them take shelter in an area that would clearly have plenty of structures to obscure vision was a great execution of this.

This mostly helped the clarity of the piece, I got a good feel of where both characters were in relation to each other, and I was able to picture the setting, broken and burning stalls and buildings alike

Voice: 4 - You really have developed your voice for Dante and your writing. You didn’t move things along too fast, but you also did not write in such a way that prevented things from going anywhere. You kept it at an enjoyable pace and I loved that.

At the same time, you included a lot of Nuances that pertained to Dante, how he thought and felt really came across through your writing.

Character: 4 - I really enjoyed the way you presented and developed Dante in this fight. His character is enjoyable and I got a real sense of determination from his character. I also sensed a hint of conflict between himself and the use of his full power. I really enjoy seeing this sort of complications between a character and his abilities. I feel like it is often either over played or not used enough and I think you did a splendid job at finding the sweet spot in between those two extremes.

Story: 4 - The story and it’s progression within the fight itself was great, and I really enjoyed it. However, there were, obviously, a few things that I felt took away from the story. It was mostly just a few clunkily executed fight scenes that seemed awkward. I did feel as though Magus drove the story a little more than dante, and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I felt like it took away from your score a little bit.

But one major thing that took away from the story was this;

Without wasting any more time, Dante began to run for his broadsword strewn on the ground.


I feel like this underplayed a lot of the damage that Dante had taken throughout his fights, especially the multiple stab wounds that Magus gave him. I feel like this sentence could have been used to better reflect his wounds, rather than showing him using a burst of stamina to acquire his weapon.


Spelling & Grammar: 4 - Not much came across me, I thought your posts were mostly well written, a few awkward parts here and there, but mostly good on my end.

Total - 20

Magus

Description & Clarity: 4 - Much like Dante, I felt as though you also accurately used the descriptions of the world around Magus and Dante to effectively boost the readability and enjoyability of the post. I didn’t find myself struggling to read your posts, I found myself wanting to finish and continue to find out what happens next. It also did not take away from the clarity of the peace at all. I didn’t find your descriptions of the events and setting causing me to become confused about what was going on and where everything was situated within the scenery.

Voice: 4 - Just as stated above, both yourself and dante did a splendid job at moving the story along at a steady pace. I didn’t find myself moving through events too quickly, and I didn’t find myself spending a lot of time on a specific portion of the writing itself. I enjoyed this quite thoroughly

I loved the way you displayed Magus in your writing, the way you depicted him and gave him a voice was just splendid…. You’ll get more on this in the next category.

Character: 5 - HOLY CRAP DID YOU MAKE ME LOVE MAGUS AS A CHARACTER! I’m sorry for all caps but I felt that needed to be screamed, rather than just said normally. Arrogant and self absorbed, yet determined to win and ‘teach everyone to be afraid’ of him.
He also seemed to come across as a huge opportunist that liked to display an ounce of sass that I just loved. Well Done.

Story: 4 - I felt like Magus, for the most part, was the dominant story pusher, even when you weren’t writing him. He seemed like a huge obstacle for Dante and this really did push the story forward. I don’t really have too much to say about this, but I think everything in the sections before this one all came together to fit into this one point.

However, One thing that did take away from this was;

“Well, shit,” Magus breathed as he phased back. Bloody and naked as a jay bird, he grabbed his pants and his boots and sprinted into an alley, where he hastily threw his pants back on to cover himself and tugged his boots back over his feet


I felt as though this really took away from it all. I mean, Magus did get blasted with a shotgun to his chest. Add that on top of the fact that Magus only has a defense stat of 1 and it seems to me like you underplayed the effect of Dante’s shotgun blast.


Spelling & Grammar: 4 - Pretty much the same as what I said for Dante. Mostly great, a few Awkward moments/ discrepancies. But other than that, I felt it was fine.

Total - 21

_________

Magus v Dante

Graded by Gildarts

Judge’s note! You both stayed under the word count, and didn’t create any deadline stuff, so I appreciate that. Before I continue, you guys both used hyphens in kinda weird spots, and I wasn’t a big fan of the stylistic choice. Be careful of this because it slows the flow and fluency of your words which would have been read rather straightforward. Still, it is your right, so I am not too worried about that, just make sure you are both using them correctly. You guys both had a nice match up, and I thought it was great to see two worthy players battle.

Magus
Description and Clarity: 4

The man with the outrageous red leather coat and the silly white haircut suddenly screamed as though he was in an argument with someone, and though he could not see Magus, his reckless barrage of bullets grazed him on the cheek, shoulder, and thigh.

I felt like this sentence could have been made two, and the first half definitely could have used a spare comma, near “outrageous, red leather coat and the silly, white haircut” (though I recognize that doesn’t entirely work, the wording could have been touched up a bit more thoroughly.)

Magus braced himself – he hadn’t fought against such fury in a long time.

I felt like there may have been an adjective there like “against such blazing fury” but I wasn’t sure. Perhaps it was the layout of the sentence, and though I’m not hating on hyphens, the sentence following that one carried one as well.

He knew not what raced through his opponent’s head, but he could sense something raw; something savage and primal. His previous opponents had fought either out of pride – or of fear.

be careful of double negatives during a fight. I say steer clear because they can stifle flow. As for the last little bit, it think “or” or “fear” could have been italicized.

He opened his eyes to the familiar monochrome of the Place Between. His opponent stood, nearly frozen in time, guns drawn in front of him, identical gouts of flame slowly sprouting out of their barrels. A pair of bullets spun ever so slowly through the air in front of them, winding tiny vapor trails through the air as they went.

Magus sat up, grimaced at the pain that flooded his body as he did so, and then flopped over onto his hand and knees

Your thoughts were well conveyed in this segment.

Every movement sent dolorous spears shooting through seemingly every nerve he had. Even his teeth hurt. There must have been a quarter pound of buckshot just jangling around in his insides.

That gave him an idea. Magus closed his eyes for a moment and tried to focus on phasing only his body, and soon, he faded away.

It worked; little lead pellets began falling to the ground with delicate little clinks, bouncing along the cobbles, but it had worked a little too well, as his clothing, including his famous cloak and armor, fell away with them.

For the entire fight you remained thorough and consistent with your descriptions, I didn’t want to stop reading and really felt inclined to not only your style, but the conciseness you use during a battle.

A bright, violet-tinged firestorm erupted from Magus, engulfing him and Dante. The wizard maintained his vicious headlock as the searing fire roiled out in a glowing, ravenous sphere of hungry energy, burning all that it touched.

Dante, caught at the blast’s epicenter, screamed and struggled, but Magus held fast, squeezing his arm around the devil hunter’s neck tight. The mercenary’s flesh burned, melted, cracked, and peeled from his body, blistering and twisting under the intense heat of Magus’ mage-flame.

Your style and descriptions gradually become the best, your third post was the most powerful.

The conflagration that swirled around them suddenly withdrew onto Magus’ flesh, still dancing on him. They remained in the center of a raging inferno, as half the block had been ignited by Magus’ great and terrible anger, but the monster before him no longer burned.

The thing that Dante had become raised its sword and lunged at Magus, swinging its blade to cleave him in two. The Fiendlord narrowly leapt over the attack, landing behind the creature and breaking into a run.

He raced into a burning building; a store dedicated to fancy clothing. Fur coats and hats, silk gloves, gold and silver jewelry. What wasn’t on fire glittered attractively, as though in an attempt to delay Magus from navigating through the collapsing halls.

While I understand word count and priorities, I was caught between wanting a description for Dante’s final form, and finding “monster” sufficed because it fed MY imagination. <!-- m --><a class="postlink" href="http://images.onesite.com/capcom-unity.com/user/tony_redgrave/large/df517a6d016f7a7d2edc0fde0fe0be67.jpg">http://images.onesite.com/capcom-unity. ... e0be67.jpg</a><!-- m -->

It charged, blade at the ready, quickly eating up the distance between them.

This may be the smallest thing ever, but I read this and felt that the rapid way you broke up the sentence with commas really matched the current, overwhelming pace of the fight in its final stages.

Luckily, the blade caught most of Magus’ body at once, and instead of slicing him in half, it instead scooped him up and hurled him through the air. Unfortunately for Magus, Dante followed up again, leaping after him and carving into his flesh with a downward swipe which launched him into the ground.

Magus rolled over onto his back, a huge, savage gash across his chest, snaking down across his torso to his hip.

Good description.

Final thoughts: No problem in this category, you did very well and I urge you to keep it up.

Voice: 4

Then, suddenly, the man was rushing at him, guns clapping over and over again, spitting their deadly payload at the wizard, casings flying off erratically to the left and the right. It wasn’t hard to circle around to avoid the incoming metal storm and to ready his counterattack as Dante continued on his foolhardy sprint.

You’re good at action scenes, the reader (myself) felt right at home when you described the leap into battle, nicely done in such a short sentence, and I like how you followed up with some familiarity between Dante and yourself dialogue wise.

Just as Dante burst free from the Miasma, Magus lunged forward, plowing the tip of his blade into his adversary’s guts and straight out the other side. The audaciously dressed demon hunter shuddered and tensed uncontrollably, fighting the fiery agony radiating out from the horrific wound.

“Huh,” the mage quipped, his scarlet eyes dancing with something akin to amusement. “That was unexpected. And here I thought I might finally be pushed to exert myself in this tournament.”

This part was friggin’ awesome.

The snivelling little devil hunter taunted him; something about a fair fight, all the while Magus’ Wither leeched the strength and life from his adversary’s veins, hurling his body forward through time until the moment before his inevitable demise.

The once pretty white-haired man was now a shrivelled up husk, wrinkled and stooped and spotted by age and illness. The rickety old man hefted his sword, its weight now throwing him off-balance. Magus chuckled, swiping the incoming blade away and out of Dante’s hands with an effortless back-handed parry.

very nice descriptions and they didn’t stop there

The wizard fought to raise his head and inspected the damage. His leather chest plate had been shredded, and his blood was spattered all over himself. He coughed, flecks of blood further staining his countenance. With a strained grunt of exertion, he propped himself up on his elbows.

His countenance. Enough said.

Final Thoughts: Your voice is really strong, and I think there isn’t much else you can do to accentuate it, just keep in mind that a little bit more consistency while it doesn’t always reflect the throes of battle, can make all the difference to a judge when grading a fight.

Character: 3.5

“Look at you,” Magus hissed through gritted teeth, death in his wild, red eyes. “You’re pathetic! Did you ever think you stood a chance against me?!”

Dante gurgled and choked response, grabbing Magus’ wrist with a frail, liver-spotted hand.

“Why did you join this tournament, anyway? Fame? A reward? You simpleton. You know why I joined?” the Fiendlord grinned, gripping his hand on the back of Dante’s head and driving his face down into Magus’ knee, smashing his nose and dropping him to the ground.

“To teach them to be afraid.”

While there were other times magus showed his strength, I felt like this was a good part to exploit the way you write him in with your voice. It’s passionate, well developed, and nicely described. You even took over Dante’s internal battle with your own twist, showing that you’re fearless, and can really adapt and rise to any challenge. I think you did very well in this category and Magus’s character was consistent. But, since I graded your first fight, I was left a bit curious as to why Magus was read a little different. It might just be on my end, but I felt like the view was a little less potent when reading the first half of the fight. I notice that you write in fights a lot better when you feel challenged. Dante brought his a-game in the middle post (in my opinion it REALLY got good then) and suddenly I felt like you were a new man! So, keep consistency and such, you have a great idea of who magus is, don’t be afraid to flaunt it.

“Some parlour trick. From pathetic pretty-boy to big, scary monster.”

“That’s how you want to go out? I’ve met children who could produce an insult more scathing.”

The dialogue between magus and Dante here was done very nicely and filled in any void space.

Final Thoughts: I think Dante was a good rival for Magus, but I felt like Magus could’ve done just a little extra work. Put a bit more thought into this category for your next round, because I know your potential, and I really would like to see it shine.

Story: 4

Magus literally laughed in his face. “And what might that be? A lesson in how to get your blood out of my clothes?”

“No, in gun safety.”

Magus looked down as a pistol was pressed into his gut. And then there was a bright flash as his body shuddered under some sudden, tremendous anguish. The bark of the .45 rang through his ears and he lost grip of his sword, stumbling back as Dante raised both his guns to Magus’ head, and fired.

This part was really awesome!

The wizard fell, crashing onto the cobblestone street. He pressed a hand on his wound, knowing instantly that he’d suffered a catastrophic wound.

Such damage, so early in the fight!

I’ll win this contest, and I’ll use the fame to raise an army against our Divine Jail Warden. I’ll either force Omni to send me back home, or I’ll kill him. Camelot will quake beneath the boots of the Demon King before I’m through.”

It was Dante’s turn to laugh. A weak, choked bark of humor rattled between his lips.

“Even gods die sometime,” Magus growled.

“And-” Dante rasped from where he lay. “So do demons.”

Magus’ eyes widened but it was too late. Dante’s arm flicked up, shotgun in hand. A white burst of flame and then he was tossed off his feet, crashing onto the rough cobbles, his entire torso aflame with agony.

This part was really well, you revealed Magus’s motivations and described Dante with great consequence, and I felt like it was well paced and revealed at the right moment with the most impact for the reader.

“Well, shit,” Magus breathed as he phased back. Bloody and naked as a jay bird, he grabbed his pants and his boots and sprinted into an alley, where he hastily threw his pants back on to cover himself and tugged his boots back over his feet.

I knew sexy magus would make his appearance.

He swung his weapon down, just as Magus revealed the charged bolt of Gloom he’d been hiding. With a roar of effort, he blasted Dante’s sword hand, causing him to lose his grip on his weapon.

Rebellion tumbled through the air and clattered to the ground out of reach. Rather than step over Magus to get it, Dante drove a brutal kick to his ribs, before straddling him and squatting down to deliver punch after punch to the face of the suddenly defenseless wizard. A thick Miasma befell them, but it wasn’t doing Magus any good.

Dante’s spiked knuckles literally chewed Magus’ flesh to the bone, sloughing off skin in disgusting, bloody flaps to reveal the ivory beneath.

Magus struggled, knowing if he didn’t act soon, he would die on this street.

This part, the last part of your third post, really was empowering. I certainly felt like Magus was the “underdog” in Dante’s new form, but I also felt like cheering for him. Both writers did a good job with this, but yours left me at a very inclining cliffhanger at the end.

Final Thoughts: Nicely done. Take care that you implement a little more passion when delivering Magus’s motivations.

Grammar and Spelling: 3.5

He knew not what raced through his opponent’s head, but he could sense something raw; something savage and primal.

semicolons separate sentences almost to the point where the two clauses should each be independent /or transitional phrases, or conjunctive adverbs. I’m not really a pro with semi colons myself, so I rarely use them. Keep an eye to make sure the clauses are independent, rather than continuing a thought. “It was savage and primal” may have made better sense to me and looks better. This usage comes off as a little awkward.

Magus patronizingly tilted his head in a pantomime of attentiveness. “Whatever it is you’ve got to say, you must be dying to tell me.”

Instead of a period, use a comma. Also I noticed that you didn’t leave your dialogue bare, from the last time I told you. It was appreciated and really set a good tone for the words spoken!

With a grunt of exertion, the Fiendlord climbed to his feet and clasped the hilt of his blade – still embedded in Dante’s flesh – with his free hand.

I felt like the hyphen usage could have been eliminated by using “which was” because their existence didn’t seem entirely necessary.

He looked at his work; a terrible, ugly red scar over milky flesh.

I wasn’t convinced the semi-colon was necessary here either, and I also felt like there could have been a comma between ugly and red.

Final thoughts: None really, you did well in this category.

Total Score: 19




Dante

Description and Clarity: 3

Even if his opponent possessed absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever, the half-devil wasn't going to feel good whether he won or lost.

I found this sentence a little wordy and confused. Make sure to watch that the beginning of a sentence aligns with the end, and the overall point you want it to make.

As the story of this post progressed, so did the action, and I felt you got very familiar with Magus’s character, and your own, weaving in action and interaction comfortably.

A violet-hued mist began to coalesce around Dante, the air becoming thick around where he stood. Despite his wariness, the cloud did well to disguise the puff of smoke that reintroduced Magus to the world. Brandishing a shortsword, he lunged forward to nab the cocky red-coat in the back, the smaller blade dancing past the larger one on Dante's back. A sting of pain shot up the half-devil's side, and he suddenly twisted in the other direction, blindsiding Magus with a pistol whip to the side of his head.

With a deft roll away in retaliation, Magus left Dante alone in the miasma, allowing the latter to silently become powerless. The tiring aches from the last round seemed to return with a vengeance, and the devil hunter found it difficult to hold up his guns.

Dante desperately whirled his vision about, but he could see and feel only the mist. No matter- with a grunting heave, the nephilim launched himself as high as he could go. Still, it was not enough, the purple clouds still wafting about even 10 meters into the air. "Damn you!" Dante cried out indirectly to Magus as he fell back to earth. His boots planted harshly on the cobbled earth, and the nephilim found himself dropping to one knee.

Hmm, this excerpt near the end was an interesting one,

The lingering aches had not quite subsided yet

not quite and “yet” seem to heed the flow of the sentence because they take away from the concise/consistency of it. I wouldn’t call it a double negative, but I had to take another glance at what I was reading.

A shrill yell of pain rung out from the opposite side of the street, and Dante darted out from behind the cover of his building. His bad self wasn't going to be the one in control here.

Right here I saw you implemented setting again, however as a person who loves setting, I would’ve liked to see just a tad more on aspects or details buuut the word limit gets tricky and I liked this part too

With the foundations of a large stonework structure between himself and the dark magician, Dante at least managed to feel slightly more secure.....
The mercenary pulled the trigger and let loose several more suppressing shots, the bullets creating clouds of grit where they hit the stone walls.

Though the nephilim tried valiantly as usual to retort, his body suddenly felt heavy and strained - not akin to the ailment of the wicked fog, but as if Dante's own body had been left weak and frail. The red-coat brought both hands to bear on his broadsword, fighting to keep the weapon aloft with his limbered arms.

Well, you already know how I feel about the hyphens being too frequent, but other than that, I really liked this excerpt, it felt full and I think your middle post was your best one out of this round, your really showed what you had in you, and I also felt like it was climatic, dramatic, and action-packed.

Dante began to run for his broadsword strewn on the ground.

This isn’t wrong from what I can tell, but I felt like it could’ve been worded a bit better.

Final thoughts: you did well in this category, and rivaled Magus’s writing with your own concise descriptions, I did feel like, because of Magus’s personal style, that his gradual descriptions grew throughout the fight, and yours really were there best at the middle post and offered a great climax in the story/fight.

Voice: 3.5

If he was being honest, Dante would admit that he wasn't really looking forward to this fight. Not that the matchup was a concern - fighting a dark magician in a depopulated urban sprawl happened to be far from the least desirable of fights, in the devil hunter's book. Even if his opponent possessed absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever, the half-devil wasn't going to feel good whether he won or lost. He had to make a preference, though, and living generally proved to be better than dying.

I thought you said death was cheap-

"Shut up," Dante spat harshly, wasting no more time lamenting on his omnipresent fault. Only two fighters, two flags they stood beneath, and one battle to be won. "Let's get this over with."

Again, the gong rang out with the blow of the hammer, and the devil hunter was off in an instant. The kingdom's signage and weaponry went unnoticed, or perhaps Dante simply didn't care. As the flashy mercenary vaulted off the building and hit the ground running, his hands found Ebony & Ivory, pulling both handguns out for quick use in the near future. Magus had seemed to mirror Dante's lack of caring, as the wafting remains of violet smoke were all that remained of the dark mage's presence on his own building.

Dante had played easy the last two rounds, fooling around with his foes. This time, the devil hunter was all business, and his business was booming. He slowed down as he reached the plaza of the city mock-up, tails of his coat whipping gallantly as he spun about on his heel. Like a living carousel, Dante rotated slowly in place, guns pointed from either side, head darting back and forth at the classical constructions around him. That magician fancied himself an easy hider, but there was no way he would to reappear without getting a few holes in his mug.

This paragraph alone was a great example of your personal style.

In the same sudden instant, they both raised their free hands for a sneak attack; Magus found a bullet placed in his open palm and Dante had Ebony blown away by a splash of dark magic.

This was a great, full sentence. I really liked this one, and I think your strength really is embedding these golden sentences into a good story.

With a groan, Magus pulled himself out of the splintered wreckage of the outdoor stand. The burning shots pain in his chest evolved into a minefield of lit nerves onto his whole torso, with the new bloody wound in his gut being the zenith. Glancing around, the sorcerer was met with a twinge of relief that he had managed to slip into the immaterial plane unnoticed.

This part had a nice sound and flow to it.

Final thoughts: You did great in this category, I felt like there were moments when your words really got the chance to shine, but other times they were drown out amidst the action and reaction. I recommend putting a little more thought into flow, but overall, I really liked your word choice and style.

Character: 3.5

The kingdom's signage and weaponry went unnoticed, or perhaps Dante simply didn't care. As the flashy mercenary vaulted off the building and hit the ground running, his hands found Ebony & Ivory, pulling both handguns out for quick use in the near future.

I liked the inklings you left, like this one, throughout your posts. Just kind of hinting along, but they added to your character, and reminded the reader who the narration was following.

Several drips of blood spilled from the open stab on the red-coat's lower torso, but he paid it little mind even as the severed nerves ground against each other.

Whoa that’s hard core.

What an evil soul, right? You ought to pay him pack, see how he likes a sword through the gut.

Unfortunately, that suggestion now sounded appealing.

TEMPTATION. Simple but well described.

The agitated devil hunter was about to sling another threat at his invisible opponent when, speak of the devil, he appeared right behind Dante, attempting to wrench the white-haired man into a headlock.

Speak of the devil. I see what you did there. Nice wordplay.
Story: 4.5

"Shut up," Dante spat harshly, wasting no more time lamenting on his omnipresent fault. Only two fighters, two flags they stood beneath, and one battle to be won. "Let's get this over with."

Again, the gong rang out with the blow of the hammer

I felt a bit surprised that it started slower, however I wasn’t displeased to learn a little more about Dante’s character. Keep an eye on pacing, the quarter finals are a whole other world than the first and second round!

A bolt of roiling black energy burst on Dante's shoulder blade, and he couldn't stop himself from crying out. The burning pain invaded his brain, beginning to overwhelm his senses. This smoke wasn't just that - with every breath, the half-devil found his wounds pulsing with pain, the cleric's magics becoming undone. Another orb of Gloom darted for the half-devil's figure, and the ensuing blast to his stomach almost made him double over.

This was great, so soon Dante felt the struggle of his contender and I felt it really progressed the match to an exciting point of action and extremity.

When has holding back ever saved your life? You have the power to end this in an instant, and you refuse because it's "not right."

I liked the back and forth between thoughts, and felt vaguely reminiscent of Atelos, it was done well and it helped engrave the current storyline.

Both fighters held the clash for agonizing moments, each staring and seething into the face of their foe. "You should have died, fool. If you're so determined to live, I'll make your living moments hell," the Fiendlord growled menacingly.

This moment was golden, and also highlighted by dialogue, which was awesome too. I also found the “gun safety” coming full circle to be amusing as well.

you can't let yourself be weak! Unleash your power!

"Can't be bothered to fight fair?" Dante taunted madly, his frustrations thus far manifesting into a general spite of the wizard. Even though he didn't stand much of a change still trying to swing his sword, the devil hunter still had one more trick behind his back, and he would have to make it count. Otherwise, his desperation would take hold...

This was the ending to your middle post. It was well done, and I don’t think anyone could’ve left off on such a strong note. I was inclined to “turn the page” and your story and sense of self really showed me what you had in you.

Final thoughts: in this category you did great, but your opponent was just a little better. I liked how you implemented Dante’s devil side, but there were times I felt like it could’ve been spun in a more resolute manner.

Grammar and Spelling: 3

If he was being honest, Dante would admit that he wasn't really looking forward to this fight. Not that the matchup was a concern - fighting a dark magician in a depopulated urban sprawl happened to be far from the least desirable of fights, in the devil hunter's book.

I found the usage of hyphen, then a comma, questionable, rather than two hyphens paired around that separated part of the sentence.

Can you feel it? Those violent, whipping howls - the black wind is strong...

again not saying it’s wrong, but I wasn’t sure I felt the need for a hyphen there.

even 10 meters into the air.

I’m not really sure numbers had a valid place in a long paragraph, it may very well have been a stylistic choice, but I prefer in a read of fluent text, for a replacement of the word “ten” to be just as efficient, and if you look at it, that one number really pops out of the paragraph, bringing attention to it, even though distance is just a detail.

When you used the same here,

.45 ACP rounds.

showing which caliber, it felt a little more necessary, and easier to be written out, rather than making the information wordy and taking up some of your limit just to explain what kind of rounds you are using (which I feel fits, is relevant, and contrasts from the above example.)

"I'm no fool. I know who you are, what you are like," the devilish voice spoke from the shroud of darkness, "-and I will ensure you fall before me."

“-and” left me a bit confused as to why the hyphen was included there. Were you simply picking up the thought/dialogue from when you last left off?

Finally, he burst free of the miasma- and that shortsword stabbed at him again.

Watch your use of hyphens, this one seemed unnecessary.

Don’t forget that there is a right kind of hyphen to use as well. “well-known” the small hyphen combines the two words, and with spacing etiquette the longer hyphen separates two thoughts in the same sentence

Magus braced himself – he hadn’t fought against such fury in a long time.

I wasn’t sure if you meant drips or drops here:

Several drips of blood spilled from the open stab on the red-coat's lower torso, but he paid it little mind even as the severed nerves ground against each other.

"Hey. Gun safety."

I felt like a comma would have sufficed for the period, but if you were trying to make it bold *wink* it totally worked.

Final thoughts: Your grammar was very clear, but there were a couple of mistakes. I wasn’t a big fan of the hyphens used, but I noticed those tapered off about halfway through. While that might be considered descriptions/clarity as well as voice, I prefer to categorize hyphens as grammar, and I would just say keep an eye on where you really want to put them, mainly during a fight, because fights really weigh in on flow and fluidity, sometimes you’ll want the reader to move with your character. I didn’t feel like the usage of hyphens was overwhelming so it isn’t like I took off for that, but keep an eye, and I think it’ll be better.

As a side note to this category, I was reading Stephen King, and I found a sentence with a hyphen and it broke up the sentence with very staunch and bold consequence. I think with a bit more development the hyphening could make for a tool to accentuate real revelations.

TS: 17.5


The final average scores are as follows:


Dante: 18.75

Magus: 20

Magus is the winner!

[Storyteller]

Shang Tsung Vs. Strazio Rockwell

Shang Tsung

Description & Clarity: 4 - I found myself thoroughly enjoying the way you handled the descriptions of pretty much everything within this fight. From the fight scenes, to using the buildings and various stalls around them, you made excellent use of the area around them to paint a scene. I also enjoyed the way you used description to depict how Shang felt at every turn, not just through an emotional sense, but a physical one as well.

This, also, did not take away from the clarity of the piece either. I didn’t find myself stumbling over scenes and sections, and I was able to understand everything pretty clearly.

Voice: 4 - I feel like you really tried to bring these characters to life. And, in trying, made quite the successful attempt. I could hear everything in my head. I wasn’t just reading, I was experiencing. I think you did really well with creating and presenting a voice for this fight.

Character: 4.5 - I loved Shang in this fight. Resourceful, Mean, Arrogant, Driven to fight simply because he wants to butcher Straz. I loved it all. I like the way you used his dialogue throughout the descriptions of fights. It made it feel more... natural. It represented him in a way I felt to be appropriate.

Especially this part;
[spoiler]

“Normally,” Shang hopped forward and buried a boot into Strazio’s gut. “I have to indulge in a little restraint in these situations.” The former monk swung back his boot and delivered a second swift kick that sent his foe skidding across the street. “…but not with you, Strazio Rockwell.”

As the masochist writhed on his side, he grabbed at the cobblestones with his good hand. Even as fresh jolts of pain crashed through his nervous system, his fingers tried to find something solid to grip and use as leverage to stand. A burst of marvelous energy exploded against the man’s chest with enough force to throw him backwards into a stone lamppost.

Shang, his body now glowing with translucent flames, stalked across the street. When he was within range, he scooped down and latched a hand around his opponent’s neck. “I don’t need to hold back with you.” To sell the point, Shang drove an open palm into his foe’s ribcage. “I can just let it all out.” A closed fist crashed into the side of the white-haired man’s skull. “Nine hundred years of anger, and you’re just a giant dumb sponge that doesn’t know when to stop.”

[/spoiler]
It just made it feel more Natural.

Story: 4 - Now, to me, the story of this fight felt a lot more akin to just fighting because the characters wanted to. Not because they had to or because of some other reason. Simply just because they wanted to beat each other to a pulp. I liked that. I felt it fit both characters.

I also feel as though you, as a writer and as Shang, seemed to be pushing this the most.

Grammar & Spelling: 5 - Nothing changed from your last grading on this. I could tell that you put quite a bit of effort into proofreading. Well done!

Total = 21.5

Strazio

Description & Clarity: 4 - Much like Shang, you also used descriptions to embellish your posts quite amazingly. I am impressed at the skill both of you bring to this site. At the same time, I enjoyed the ways you used the surround shops and stalls to depict your advantages and disadvantages within the fight.

This also did not take away from the clarity of the piece, and I was able to follow along fine.

Voice: 4 - I mean, I don’t have much difference in what I want to say from Shang’s grading on this, I think you both did pretty much the same, or at least very similar, things in this regard. But I didn’t want to just copy and paste what I had already said… Great job! I could really hear the way things played out in the fight.

Character: 4 - I enjoyed the way you presented Strazio. I thought it was well executed and I think his character Development has come along quite nicely. I really enjoyed the way his patience began to fall away, and the way he began to descend into rage. Then directed that rage right into Shang’s body. I thoroughly enjoyed his character progression.

Story: 4 - Again, I think this is almost the same as Shang’s grading, so I’m not going to copy and paste or just restate what I have already said. However, I felt as though Shang did drive the story along mostly. even if it would only seem like minor differences, I do feel as though he took the lead on this one, which was why he got the extra .5 of a point.

Grammar & Spelling: 4.5 - I found a few words that weren’t completed, minor slip ups, but there were multiple cases of this. But mostly fine. I can tell you put a lot of effort into proofreading your posts!

Total before change: 20.5

However, you did miss a deadline, and I didn’t hear or see any mention of it being discussed or being given the ‘Okay’ so I am going to have to take that into consideration. So;

20.5 x 0.33 = 6.7 (which I will round down to 6.5 so the score will be an even number)

Final Score: 20.5 - 6.5 = 14

Quarterfinal - Shang Tsung vs Strazio Rockwell
[spoiler]Shang Tsung Post 1
Super glad that Shang and Straz noticed each other, being 2 of the 3 PC Darkshire defenders. Cool little interaction with that.

Really digging the intro conversation. Strong characterization for both chaaracters.

I like the immediacy of his attack. “I’m not talking.” Bam. I think it’s very on the head.

Cool description of the attack.

“… started a chain reaction that caused the quaint brick house to implode on itself.” This is a good example of how to create a clear image in the reader’s head without having to babble on about it.

Really dynamic fight. Lots of movement and expression of each of the character’s abilities.

This is such a high octane fight post. It reminds me a lot of a good superhero movie. Really well executed the way that the characters are moving and interacting. I can see it all really clearly in my head. If anything is lacking, It’d just like to see it spiced up with some similes or a little bit more Voice.

“a marvelous pair” hahahaha o u

Strazio Rockwell Post 1

I do like that you’ve added indentations to your writing. It looks a little weird just in contrast to the rest of the site, but it looks better for the purposes of formatting.

“Strazio’s world crumbled around him” this is a great use of the phrase, because it implies emotional depth interconnected with what’s physically happening.

Good reference to the past without it being overwhelming or heavy on exposition.

“Their greedy feast propagated more gluttonous particles until nothing remained of Strazio Rockwell.” This is an amazing line. Again, mixing the abstract with grounded description really heightened the image.

Really solid description in this scene. Everything pops out in my head. It’s got a lot of personality and pop to it.

The pacing is also really good. The skull came out of the ground quickly, and I read the sentence when it happened quickly. Great use of sentence length and structure to create tension, action, and then resolution. Good arc.

“Taking advantage of hi opponent’s stupor he raised his handcannon.” Typo there. Also not a huge fan of ‘handcannon’ in this PARTICULAR case, though I do like it in general. Just doesn’t seem to flow perfectly. #nitpicking

“Burning bolts of green soulfire spiraled into Strazio’s flesh. He yelped in pain as three of the bullets carved into his flesh.” First: word repetition with flesh. Also, your flow is al ittle bit choppy in these sentences. I think it only really stands out is because your sentence structure has been so smooth up to this point.

“Nothing brought clarity like a gunshot wound.” Lol

Instincts urged Strazio to get the hell out of the way, but his temper forced him to stand and fight. Another bullet whistled past his head. Sparks crackled along Strazio’s body and he sprinted towards Shang. Power surged into the Avatar’s legs, pushing them beyond human limits. With barbarous speed he tackled Shang, sending the both crashing into a nearby fruit kiosk. Brightly colored fruits scattered into the air. Both fighters wrestled in the multi-colored bounty of sweet smelling fruits. Blood and juice stained their robes in equal measures. The two sat deadlocked for an eternity. The Avatar's ferocity proved an equal match for Shang's impressive skill.

This paragraph is the first one where your sentence pacing got messed up. Every sentence is short, so it ends up reading fairly choppy. I would have clumped some of those together, or added a few extra adjectives to give a few of those beats some extra impact.

I kind of enjoy that Strazio’s one and only game plan is to just be beaten to death while also maybe doing some damage. A+

We’re getting a little choppy again.

“The lethargic hands of fatigue gripped both fighters.” Another great line

Another good glimpse into the character.

Shang Tsung Post 2

Man, the way you used paragraph breaks was really good. It set a tone. It emphasized your voice and how the lines were delivered. Good choice. Good chunk of exposition.

A little simile there, nice.

“Let’s see if the rest of your bones are as dense as your fucking skull.” Great line.

Awesome pacing. Good use of long and short sentences.

Simultaneous collision. No fight is complete without one.

“Like a dying star” is a fantastic line, due to the whole sun connection with the hammer. CLEVER.

“Remnants” word repetition.

While I’m not a huge fan of “vertical position” (it sounds too technical for this scene), “even as fresh blood dribbled from the glimmering stakes in his flesh,” is amazing and gives a really cool image.

Ugh, that was a great image of Strazio’s face all jacked up. The grin at the end could have used some more detail, but overall, amazing.

Mimic 2stronk. Also, really cool use of it. The 1-2 combo with a giant freaking hammer sold that move to me.

Good level of gore. Anything more and you’d have pulled a, “Me, Circa Namek Fighting Tourney,” and made it gratuitous.

We were all waiting for that line.

Strazio Post 2

And you dropped the indentation again? I don’t mind either way, but flip flopping back and forth makes you look sloppy. I remember this happening in a previous round also.

“Shang’s fists were stones and he struck with the precision of a cobra.” Starting strong.

I like the sense of emotion used in these. I like that we slowly see Strazio start to panic.

“inhuman strength. Using his newfound strength” … “Using the remaining scraps of his strength” word repetition

“ His jaw hungs distended” little typo

“He spit a mixture of copper blood and white porcelain onto the street.” Ugh, gross. Fantastic line, though we keep mentioning copper in relation to blood.

Hahaha, they just don’t want you to use your amazing dialogue. Or perhaps they just want to hear you talk in a silly voice?

Really good ramp-up with the wish statements.

“Abbadon was never a more fitting word to describe Strazio’s charge.” I have a feeling “Abandon” was what you were looking for, unless it was a reference to the demon? If it was a reference to the demon, that was kind of a weird reference.

Nice. I like that we’re seeing a character flaw in YOUR writing. It makes him seem more 3 dimensional.

Also, gross.

“Foolish” for word repetition.

This high-stakes, high-drama scene is now making me chortle because of Strazio’s jacked up teeth. It kind of takes the momentum out of the drama, but it’s also fairly funny. Not sure where I stand on that.

Strazio really used a HAND-GRENADE. Haha, get it? Cause it’s a pun? >_>

Anyways, that was a really inventive and cool thing to do, mid-fight. I also like that it required him to have his hand cut off. It was a fun exchange.

“Body” word repetition.

“Two more fight to the championship he thought I can make it.” Something funky going on here. Not sure what happened.

Dramatic walking through the smoke scene.

“You’re dead, I’m going to grind you to dust.” I would have split that into 2 sentences.

Shang Tsung Post 3

Another strong bit of exposition to restablish Shang’s perception of the scene. Everyone has this habit of ending their posts at a lull, so picking the pace back up is sort of obligatory, though it’d be cool if we could see a continuous stream of action from post to post at some point.

“only person to eve humble Shang Tsung,” typo

Good bit of history with Kung Lao to be tied into the current situation. It helps round out the character to bring up the past sometimes. The introspection on how to fight the character is also a really cool insight into how he thinks without it being heavy handed.

I have this image of Strazio kind of staggering around in a bloody mess while Shang composes himself. I like it, though I sort of wish that it was mentioned as opposed to implied.

Ugh, the villain’s version of the “world of cardboard” speech. I love it.

The way you’re describing the scene goes along perfectly with the words. The control over the situation, the imagery. The sentence length and the types of words you are using help to punctuate the dialogue, not detract from it. It’s a careful balance in these kinds of scenes to keep everything flowing properly.

“a giant dumb sponge“ is a weird line, but it doesn’t break things up too badly that it’s jarring

Both writers keep bringing up stars in their various states, but it doesn’t have the rhythm to seem poetic or intentional. Just something to watch out for and be aware of.

Strazio Rockwell Post 3

I like that you referenced a promise to Demetri, but because I don’t know what it is, it sort of leaves me hanging. Not a major detraction on a site where every story is ongoing, but it might be something to keep in mind for the future.

I like that he’s out of magic to fix his new wounds

The transformation scene is cool, and the images used are great, but it somehow lacks gravity. I had to re-read it to make sure he had actually used his transformation because it felt a little mundane. I think that mundanity comes from formatting, pacing, and a focus on detail. More adjectives describing his skin peeling off would have sold it, as well as focusing on his laughter in the abstract. It was a very literal and casual description of what was happening that belied the depth of what was going on.

“Once more their fight had devolved into a dirty wrestling match.” I like that

I feel like you’ve lost a lot of the rhythm and flow that you had in your first post, as almost this whole post has come down to a step-by-step, by the number explanation of what’s happening. It’s still detailed, and it’s still high quality writing, but I feel like it’s those kinds of small details that are gonna make the call in this close of a match.

“He exhaled, spewing a torrent of stolen embers.” Good line

NECRONOMICON. Awesome. I also like that it’s a troll zombie.

Awesome, awesome way to end it. Only thing I might have done is broken up the paragraph for impact.[/spoiler]

Shang Tsung

Description & Clarity: 4
Very clear, very quick, very good. The main thing that I would focus on in the future is more abstraction. Everything you type is straight forward, to the point. There’s not much poetry in your writing, and I think that those associative and abstract descriptions can really add an extra layer of depth and voice to your writing. Metaphors, similes, describing AROUND the action without explicitly stating it. You don’t have to describe every step and every result. Find a way to let the reader draw lines between the action and the result.

Strazio, in comparison, has a bunch of abstraction that you should look to for examples. I’ve mentioned most of them up top.

Voice: 4
Clear voice throughout. At some point sentence length, structure and all that falls into Description and Technical areas, but it really supports the pacing and allowing me feel the will of the writer and the intent of the character. You had good pacing, good sentence structure, and good paragraph length that supported and improved on your description, and that really hammered home what was going on in the scene and what I should be paying attention to. My eyes were guided to what details you wanted me to see, and those details helped shape and define the experience.

Again, abstraction comes into play. The nature and shape of the abstraction you chose to use would have helped you establish a stronger tone and allowed for even more room to characterize and focus my attention.

Character: 4
Again, this is a fight, so sometimes it can be hard to find the space to truly put out a character; so many times it comes out a bit flat. However, without breaking the tension or the pace of the combat, you showed us who Shang Tsung is as a person.

In comparison to characters like Adam Gaite or Deadpool, who show their strong character in voice by having a character that lies somewhat outside the rough and tumble, and that use HUMOR as a way to show off their character’s POV, we see Shang Tsung in wonderful, wretched ways.

The world of cardboard speech helped a lot here, but there were plenty of other places where it shined through.

Just be wary of making your character too two-dimensional. Again, it’s hard to show depth in a life or death fight, but moments of doubt, fear, or even regret might help flesh him out a little bit more. What DOES Shang Tsung care about?

Story: 3.5
The action kept moving. There was lots of great back and forth. You weren’t afraid to show your character being weak, and you weren’t afraid of showing your character being strong. You used your Mimic to great effect, and you used the moves you’ve stolen through the previous matches. You tied your transformation into a really cool scene.

I guess my only complaint is that there weren’t really any OH DAMN moments. The constant pace of the fight, and the lack of time for the reader (or the character) to “catch a breath” made the ever-escalating violence of the scene start to get just the tiniest bit dry.

Grammar: 4.5
There were a few typos throughout your writing. They’re noted above.

Total: 20


Strazio Rockwell

Description & Clarity: 4
Fast, on point, and with a good amount of abstraction, especially in comparison to Shang’s. I felt like I could see things very clearly, and I followed along most things super well.

My only major sticking point is that sometimes things ended up feeling a bit stale or mundane when they should have been big and grandiose. Adding more adjectives, leading the reader up to the big crescendos. I just feel like there were more than a few places that could have been so much more dramatic if you had exchanged your short sentences for long ones, allowed yourself to ramble on a bit.

Voice: 3.5
Overall, far above average. Again, pacing and those things can go into Grammar or Description, but I think it mostly impacts your Voice. That said, I felt sometimes that I was being beaten with the ticking of a clock with your sentence structure. I talked about it above in my first impressions section, but you started out really strong with your pacing, and it slowly slipped into a monotonous beating of a drum.

Your abstraction, again, is top-notch. IT helps us see and feel what your character sees and feels. It adds so much life to your writing.

Character: 3.5
Strazio is a fun character. There’s a lot of interesting depth to him, despite his essentially being a rage-monster, and you managed to bring it out in a lot of ways. Fear, trepidation, tension, desperation, those are all great aspects to your character, and you frequently show them off. Seeing them with a little more clarity would be good, especially if it came out more in his actions.

I feel like his dialogue is really strained at times, as well as when you had Shang speak. It’s an area to improve on.

Story: 3.5
Fun, interesting stuff that was greatly helped by your really interesting power set, and a willingness to hack your character into tiny bits. You showed your character being strong and weak in his own ways, and you weren’t afraid to set your own pace for the story. You weren’t just reacting to things that Shang was doing, you were forging your own path.

I have the same complaints here as I do with Alex: there weren’t really any BIG moments, because every moment of the scene was a big moment. When we are beaten upside the head with hyperviolence, it can slowly lose its edge.

Grammar: 4.5
I pointed out most of your typos and stuff above.

Subtotal: 18.5

18.5 * (2/3) = Total: 12.33

Shang Tsung
Minato: 21.5
Sinestro: 20
Average: 20.75

Strazio Rockwell
Minato: 14
Sinestro: 12.33
Average: 13.17

WINNER: SHANG TSUNG
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.

[Storyteller]

Adam and Courier

Adam

Description and Clarity: 4

Voice: 4

Character: 3

Story: 3

Grammar: 4 – Pretty good for the most part, but you should keep an eye out for anything and everything.

Total = 18

Courier Six

Description and Clarity: 3 – One of your stronger departments, for sure.

Voice: 2

Character: 2 – This and ‘Voice’ both ‘suffered’ for me, because I felt like you were writing more about Adam than Courier? I’ve never been a fan of a super omniscient narrative, especially in a situation like this. It’s not that it’s poorly written, just that I wasn’t pulled into the execution. I wanted Courier’s thoughts, not Adam’s thoughts. That’s why I read his posts. Your writing felt too much like an extension of Adam’s writing than an impendent work?

Story: 3

Grammar: 2 – Wasn’t terrible in this department (average by the site standards) but that means you’ve got a high ceiling to improve toward.

Total = 12

Quarterfinal - Adam Gaite vs Courier Six

[spoiler]Courier Six Post 1
Good opening paragraph, establishing the scene and making a few notes.

“… had Adam not given off this aura that, to put it simply, Six felt off to be around.” Good opening to this sentence, but it ends on an awkward note. Perhaps, ‘this aura that, to put it simply, made Six feel off to be around.’

I find it interesting that you provided so much of Adam’s perspective. It didn’t seem horribly off the mark, but interesting.

I like that you included how it felt nice to look down on somebody again.

"What...? The hell--" not sure what your punctuation is doing here, and I’m not sure how I’m intended to read it.

Ooo, the mask is coming off! Daw, I was kinda hoping to get a description of her face and etc.

“Six raise her arms in a wicked embrace of battle” Not sure what she’s doing? Is she just like… lifting her arms up?

Cool last line. When did she switch from the revolver to the knife?

It was a nice opener, but I kinda wished there had been some action.

Adam Gaite Post 1

"...this...this is not going to end well..." You might use some dashes instead of ellipses to break it up a bit and more accurately depict the stutter

Cool rush move, and I find it kind of interesting that he’s punching her.

Good dialogue back and forth, and an interesting moment. It’s a very slow fight, step-by-step, with lots of pauses in between. It seems more cordial.

I am having a hard time tracking EXACTLY why he’s using non-lethal force, but I like the implication and the complexity I’m sure it’s going to bring to the writing.

Courier 6
“The Courier couldn't help but feel a tinge of guilt for swinging a knife at this kid who barely looked to be an early adult, refusing to take a single weapon as he proceeded to drive the fight away from the armory given to him at the beginning of the match.” Bit of a run-on there.

Haha, maybe taking it off WAS a bad idea

I dunno if Adam is all about that much swearing. I feel like as soon as you have a character that swears frequently, that’s all other writers assume them capable of doing. It’s kinda jarring.

So she’s facing Adam on his own terms, which is why she didn’t kill him. Gotcha. Interesting scene, for sure.

I like the squaring off in the scene.

Adam seems like a quivering Chihuahua in these scenes haha

Adam Gaite Post 2

You guys are feeding off each other’s narratives really well. You’re a really good combo.

Really good pacing for the action. Sentence lengths vary up quite a bit, you keep the reader in-tune with the action.

I like that he had this complicated plan and still failed.

Courier Six Post 3

We find ourselves spending a lot of time as Adam once again. Makes sense, because he’s the one that can’t see what’s going on.

I do find it strange that we’ve gone from a boxing match back to guns. I feel like we keep flip-flopping without a lot of compelling explanation as to why. It’s just kind of stutter-stepping through the story, even though each post is compelling, they aren’t coming together, it seems?

I do like that you turned his move against him.

Adam Gaite

“All he needed was a second to slip away, and turn this cat and mouse shit into....fuck, who even cares what it would turn into. It wouldn't be this bullshit. “ Haha great line. Ellipses had an extra period.

That’s an awesome use of those powers. It is a really cool visual

A lot of word repetition for “dust”

"Free advice!" Way to bring it arouuuund[/spoiler]

Courier Six

Description & Clarity: 3
Your writing was solid, I didn’t find myself getting confused or having to read things repeatedly. I would work on your pacing, and building up your description. A lot of tension and drama was drained out of a lot of the moments because there just wasn’t enough supporting description.

I feel like your exposition got in the way of a lot of that, because while I knew what was happening, I had only a few details to “see.”

Still above average.

Voice: 3
I got a good feeling for your writing style through all of the inner monologues between Adam and Courier. I feel like more description would help here too, because it would give us more to go off of. Abstraction, similes, references, details that a character notices, all of that, they help develop your voice. You did manage to pull out more with her actions this time, the way that she talked and moved and sort of toyed with him here and there.

Character: 3
I got a lot more of an idea of how you view Adam than I did of the Courier, though that’s not necessarily awful. You did a good job handling both characters and their interactions, and you played them off each other pretty well.

Story: 3
Another big hit from exposition. I feel like there was maybe one or two actions in every post, and then 600 words of inner monologue. It was GOOD inner monologue, but it gummed up the story and slowed things down way more than they should have. You used the moves of both characters super well throughout the fight.

The flip-flopping back and forth between trying to kill Adam, not killing Adam, then using guns again was fairly confounding, and stole a lot of the wind out of the previous display.

Grammar: 3
A few errors here and there, and a lot of weird punctuation choices is what brought ya down here, but certainly not awful or illegible. I didn’t notice any spelling errors or outright typos.

Total: 15

Adam Gaite

Description & Clarity: 3.5
Solid. It was easy to read, there were some good details in there, and I could see the action moving very clearly. Main reason you’re not getting a 4 is due to the lack of abstraction and the lack of “oh damn that’s beautiful” moments. A lot of time was spent in Adam’s head this round, which cut down on your time available to show me the world.

Voice: 3.5
I’d say that you’ve heard me say this a few times now, because your voice is great. I do feel like it was a little drowned out by exposition this time, but it was still exceptional.

Character: 3
Adam came through, though

Story: 3
I wish I would have gotten to see more of Adam’s plans and actions. It was a whole lot of thought, and not a whole lot of action. I DO really like the action that happened, but there just wasn’t enough of it for my liking. Pushing the tempo or at least showing us more and telling us less would have helped you out I think. It was a very slow, contemplative match, though it seemed more that there was some action, then lots of words/thoughts, then an action, etc etc.

Grammar: 4
Pretty good! Not a ton of weird stuff in there, and I think I made a note on the things I did notice.

Total: 17

Courier Six
Proto 12
Sinestro 15
Average 13.5

Adam Gaite:
Proto 18
Sinestro 17
Average 17.5

WINNER: Adam Gaite
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.

[Storyteller]

Okor v Bandit With No Name

Bandit

"Description and Clarity:4

It didn’t seem to matter how many times she’d put it back together, remaking the garment out of bullet holes and blood stains, there was always a bit of sand in it. It was part of how she saw herself; part of who she was.

You had a strong start, but I didn’t really feel like this part was necessary especially at the beginning/ in the first paragraph, the main reason, because it didn’t tell us - the reader - how to feel about the bullet holes or sand. Its just a straightforward fact with little feeling. If someone were to not know where bandit was coming from, it would be a little off-putting and I wasn’t sure what I should be taking away from it.

The bandit snatched a long spear from the rack, twirling it into her hand and cocking it back. She stepped forward twice and lobbed the weapon as hard as she could, stumbling to her knees after it left her fingertips. The shaft soared over the field, the feathers and baubles whistling as it cut through the air. The spear entered the traitor’s body with the crack of his armor and a wet slorp, the tribal weapon burying itself halfway up the haft.

this was very clear and kept an action concise as well as easy to visualize. The word choice is also vivid and varied.

Crack. Slorp. He lumbered forward, heedless.

Another. Still, he marched. Another. Unfaltering, dauntless.

Inevitable.

this part was rapid, and erased some of the ‘excess’ information. The first thing people would realize when watching is precisely what you described.

He had made it halfway across the “city” and she could now see the swirling aura of flies that surrounded him. She squinted as the doddering ancient plucked one of the shafts from his chest and tossed aside, allowing him to retrieve his bolter unimpeded.

so far it sounds great but I am expecting to see a bit more life/passion as I read.

Relish in the suffering…” he groaned while she feebly thrashed against him, “… that Grandfather endows upon us.”

Relish isn’t a word I would imagine okor saying, so I wasn’t a huge fan of this particular line of dialogue, but, I still liked what you were trying to do with it.

She had felt the chill hand of death,

“chill” while I don’t see it as grammatically incorrect, may have sounded better as “chilled” preference though, perhaps.

She hated it.

Fresh rage billowed up from her gut, surging through her, willing her fragile body to move. She urged her numb fingers, demanded action of her stiffening limbs. She defied that stillness which she so wholly despised and opened her eyes once again.

The bandit was going to die. But not yet.

I liked that this part was broken up, it was staunchly consistent, and bolder than the style of the above, but didn’t discredit strength and word choice. It also displayed consequence.


Final thoughts: In this category, you ranked very high, because your thoughts were well conveyed throughout the ENTIRE fight.

Voice: 5

The bandit made note of the eerie green light that shined from within, glinting from the strings of teeth that drooped from its exterior. She leapt from the rooftop to an adjacent building just as the bolter vomited a fist-sized round, screaming past by mere feet. When the shot bit into the stone beside her, it detonated and cast steel splinters in every direction. Tiny shards of the projectile peppered the woman’s flank, though it was barely more than a sting.

I placed this excerpt in this category because I thought it clearly conveyed your voice, detailed and personifying objects with life.

The filth-encrusted blade danced over the surface of her light armor before it bit into the exposed flesh below her collarbone. The rusted blade more hacked than cut and the wound’s ragged edges became packed deep with effluence. The wound was more shallow than the pestilent champion had intended, but he still grinned as the woman doubled over in pain.

Okor lifted his blade, ready to cleave into his prey once again, his breath wheezing with excitement. Her dreads whipped as she lifted her head, a wild look of ferocity etched into her features. She jerked up the haft of the oversized mallet, and his attack skittered off of it with the yelp of steel-on-steel and a shower of sparks.

Another wonderful example of your wonderful voice and writing style.

The bandit was going to die.

She had felt the chill hand of death, and she remembered its caress more clearly than any other. The fever that carved at her bones. The tremors that rushed over her spine. The dull ache that pounded over her entire body, accentuated by the sharp twangs of agony that drove into her, like railroad spikes left in the desert heat.

solid

Final thoughts: I’m a big fan of your writing, and I think that almost 95 percent of this battle was some of your best work. You had an edge in this category over your opponent.

Character:4

Just like the long, bloody streak that ran down her chest. Her finger mindlessly played with the hole where Roland had almost killed her, and where that red bastard actually did.

This part was cool if people knew what this past part meant, however, if someone hadn’t read that thread, they may not know of the depth of the story to that, and I wasn’t sure to take it as an easter egg type thing, because you included it I felt like you thought/wanted it to be important, however, when something like this is included, make sure your full point conveys across to the reader. That’s really important.

Pursing her lips in frustration, the skull-faced woman pulled the massive hammer from the straps that held it on her back and cranked on the throttle, flames spitting from the exhaust. “I got something for you too, pal,” she shouted from the top of the building, looking down upon him. “Come and get some, punk-ass.”

the image of badassery

Smirking, she pulled her rifle from her shoulder strap and leveled it at the back of the marine’s helmeted head. “Let’s see about that broken jaw you were talking about,” she mocked through a sneer, her finger toying with the trigger.

strong impression

She laughed gently to herself, ignoring the man that would like be her executioner. “You’re made, by a Prime, or a God, or plain old birth.” The dirt ran out of her palm, and the last pebble tumbled to the ground. “Then you die. Maybe of old age, maybe a bullet to the brain, maybe cause some weirdo with a fetish for venereal diseases bashes your skull in.”

compelling and... probably offensive to okor :C

Final thoughts: Bandit was really strong and compelling throughout the ENTIRE fight. Okor and Bandit’s dynamic was a littttleee strange, but it worked, and I liked it. It felt as though you both were really close in this category. As for bandit, I don’t know how I would suggest you to better her. She really seems like she’s her best no matter the circumstances.

Story: 4.5

Her vision wobbled and jerked as he saw the twisted king of filth slowly push himself to his feet, a puddle of muck left below him. She weakly struggled as his massive body moved in upon hers, and he snatched her up by the throat. Gagging, the woman’s eyes opened wide, red veins creeping in from the corners. She bared her teeth, spittle frothing forth as she struggled for air.

This was four lines, but it was truly stunning and wonderfully written.

The woman fell to the ground, coughing and choking as Okor stumbled backwards until he crashed through a nearby display of previously fresh fruit. Sucking down a gulp of air, the bandit noticed that the stench had somehow intensified. Looking to the now bare-headed foe, she immediately turned her head and evacuated the hot dog and three beers she’d had for lunch.

The man’s flesh was a horror to behold, twisting maggots crawling through it, black teeth, and an eye socket so overwhelmingly consumed by decay

I could really... visualize this part, and I felt like it strengthened not only the contrast between characters, but solidified certain ideals and symbolism that could be inferred from the two characters.

Pressing her hand into her side, a bright white light shined from within her, gently pushing the irradiated shards of his bolter rounds from her side. She took a deep breath, pushed her woozy legs out from beneath her, and lifted her rifle.

really strong (almost) ending to your second post.

The bandit was going to die.

strong way to start off your third post, and it set a mood.

Her vision warped and bent like air over the dunes, and once again she felt hateful eye of the sun upon her. Blood pounded in her ears and her fingers wandered to the ragged hole that had been torn in her chest. “You have forgotten the face of your father,” she heard him say, Roland’s rough voice distorted by her delirium. She heard the timpani of her heart gently dull in its pounding, the rhythm slowing more and more until the darkness devoured her.

compelling

“Let go?” she croaked, her quivering hand sliding into the dirt, grasping at the very earth itself. She shook as she rolled to the side and even as she felt his bolter being leveled at her, she heaved herself up to her knees. “I don’t think I can,” she confessed, watching the soil slide between her fingers.

“Do you feel that?” she growled, the sound of his bones breaking crackling as she slid it over her ribs, “Those are my scars. I earned every one of them.”

The marine slid his slimy hand away, pushing on her face. “We’re born, we die!” she screamed between his fingers....
“Without it, you’re just another dead man.”

strong last words too. You really dominated the story aspect of this fight

Final thoughts: You aced this category and I felt like you did slightly better than your competitor because I felt the impact was stronger on the reader, due to multiple reasons. These reasons have to do with relation and clarity, but also just how coherent the plot was to follow, and how compelling it was.


Grammar and Spelling: 4.5

Running his gauntleted hand over the blackened surface of a skull,

banditisfemale

”Ah,” he rasped, “the impertinence…” again he was forced to pause and suck down another sickly breath, “of youth.”

You can capitalize “The” and “Of” but I do not believe it is mandatory when used in a continued/broken sentence like this.

Other than the above, I didn’t notice ANYTHING wrong. So you got almost a perfect score in this category.


TS: 22



Okor

"Description and Clarity:4

"No, seriously. What in Diablo's Fiery Fuck-pits is wrong with you?" Prompted the woman, hefting their hammer for another crushing blow. "Want a... List?" Joked the pestilential giant, swinging his oxidized weapon at her unarmoured thigh.

When speaking and responding, while I know it is your style to use larger paragraphs, it is more... clear if the paragraph is changed to reflect a different speaker/perspective.

the woman leveled an unfamiliar weapon at him, a manic grin plastering itself across her painted face matching the skull hanging on Okor's armoured hip. She screamed out a warcry, the meaning of which was unknown to Nurgle's Chosen: "Garbage Day, bitch!" An arc of crimson energy burnt through his corroded breastplate, incinerated the pallid flesh beneath, and scorched the stone wall behind him. He looked down at the charred crater in his chest, putrid black smoke rising from the hole where his heart once was.

This part was wonderfully described.

While Okor was curious to see how long it would take for his gifts to heal him, a reminder of Nurgle's pervasive touch, the Bandit was merely waiting for her opponent to collapse after her killing blow. To her surprise, the gangrenous giant propelled his malformed skull forward, cracking it against her comparatively fragile face, a spray of blood and bone rewarding him for his efforts as her nose broke under his assault.

this conversion of narration was gentle, and while it was within a paragraph, I thought it was nicely done, and flowed well.

A vermillion streak scorched across the marine’s exposed face, flesh and skin turning to ash in its wake. His opponent was far stronger than he had anticipated.

I’m not sure if the extra ‘had’ does much for you in this sentence, but if you took it out, I feel like it would still be grammatically correct

Blow upon blow rained down upon his gelatinous frame, splintering the cobbles beneath, fragments of pavement embedding themselves in her worn knuckles. In her frenzy born of a myriad of maladies assailing her mind, she continued her assault, oblivious to the slow slithering of the chosen’s effluent mass, his pestilential matter slowly accumulating behind her.

Final thoughts: You and bandit were both on par in this category. Your middle post was a little jumbled my first read through though it may be because of the bolds, my brain really didn’t like sifting. You finished very strong in this category.

Voice:4.5

Snarling, Okor stood, his blade lodged in the leg of a market stall. A string of expletives streamed from the bandit's painted mouth as she scrabbled across the cobblestones, dragging her hammer into one of the back alleys that suffused the arena. Tearing his trusted weapon from its prison of wood, he shambled after his elusive foe, the sound of her footsteps long gone. He snapped the spear shafts protruding from his torso as he mulled over recent events. Why would they run? This was the culmination of dozens of battles, a slaughter that had drawn hundreds, if not thousands to watch.

this part had perfect finesse.

Spat Okor, the tendons in his jaw clearly visible and burnt, their blackness matching the infectious abyss of his mouth. His pistol howled, a corroded shell falling to the stone as he advanced forward.

This part is really small, but I greatly enjoyed it.

He gurgled, gesturing with a singed claw towards the ragged gash on her torso, blackened veins pulsing with every gradually slowing beat of her heart. “F-fuck you, you Omni-damned bastard.” She stammered, the poison spreading through her veins, sapping her essence. Booming laughter emanated from the disgusting maw set in the ravaged face of the plague marine.

this was such cool imagery

Booming laughter flowed from the desecrated abyss of the ancient warrior’s shattered jaw, splintered remnants of teeth joining the corrosive spittle seeping from his ravaged maw. His stomach split, flesh and skin tearing itself apart to reveal ever-hungry teeth, eagerly sinking yellowed fangs into the scarred flesh of the bandit, rending calloused skin in an uncontrolled frenzy of long-repressed hunger. Winding tendrils of a digestive system no longer able to be sustained on anything save the capricious eddies of the immaterium ensnared her hardened limbs, pulling her deeper into his ravenous chasm. She sunk deeper and deeper into the abyss into which all ends, to be consumed and reprocessed, remade in a form more pleasing to the Lord of All.

THIS is what I was waiting for. I love this kind of thing, and I love how your style just wants to say it. I felt like you kind of had a harder start, and struggled a bit with certain aspects of your posts, maybe it was the interaction with bandit, or something else, but this kind of thing right here is really just amazing, and my favorite thing about your writing is definitely your style and word choice.

In the future, you’ll want to make it a consistency, because there were times it felt a bit scrambled. Which impacted both positively and iffily, the development of action and story and drama.

Final thoughts: Bandit and you both did really well in this category. Bandit got a really good score, and I felt like you did just as good, she had just about a hair over you, but you both did very nicely. Your voice was steady, and I really like it when you go into what I call “Okor mode.”

Character: 3

The two paused for a moment, staring at the environmental devastation wrought by Okor's misguided attacks. "One eye's a bitch for depth perception, huh?" Joked the painted warrior, dried blood adorning her pale facade. His corroded gauntlet went to the blade on his hip. "It can be a... challenge at times." He admitted, beginning to draw his pestilent weapon free, murmuring dark benedictions under his toxic breath. Foul effluence ran along its length, as he swung it in a diagonal slash towards the foe's face.

Your banter while limited (in a good way) was amusing.

While I saw what you were trying to do with Okor, and the bandit, I wasn’t as compelled by him as I would have wanted (and, excuse me for referencing, by comparison to your previous fights,) work on establishing the same connection with your readers. I wasn’t going to take off for some things you did one fight really well, and the next the dynamic was completely different, but I felt like during this battle, Bandit had my favor with a stronger story and a bit better of an established character in my mind.

Final thoughts: This was not my favorite category for your character this round. I felt like bandit had a decent edge on you, and while I felt Okor started out tremendous, I felt like during the middle it got a little “wobbly” and this registered to me as slightly inconsistent. Keep describing Okor your best, because he is an awesome character, and I truly love reading him, and the way you describe him.

Story: 4

The warrior glared at him from a crude pair of iron sights, crackling coronas of energy arcing from their weapon. "Shot you through the damn heart. The underverse does it take to put you down?" They spat, blood streaming from the ruins of their nose, crimson staining the stark white warpaint. "Speaking from... experience, two high-explosive rockets at short range, amputation and... the removal of my jaw." Laughed Okor, lifting his bolter to the slowly regenerating chasm in his chest. "Shi-"

The howl of the bolter cut off the rest of her sentence, a shell borne aloft on flame screaming past her ear. "Fu-" She twisted past another death-dealing missile. "Omni dam-" A spray of dust and fragments pelted her from behind as another round detonated against the masonry. "Motherf-"

this was taken from your round 1 post, I felt like you did really well and helped carry the story.

There was no such theatricality here, nothing more than pure and simple violence. A woman after my own hearts. His blessed flesh faltered under her onslaught, parasites that had walked with him for centuries annihilated.

WHAT IS THIS DEVELOPMENT - but seriously, it was actually nice to hear a little inner thought from okor, seeing how he is faced with this great challenge.

”He’s already within… you. Every spasm of your heart spreads his touch further.” He took a step closer to the disarmed woman, a maggot burrowing out from his necrotized face, pushing aside charred flesh in its endless hunger. ”Don’t you want… this?” The response he got was a derisive laugh, echoing around the narrow streets. “Why the f-flying fuck would I want your nasty-ass necrosis?”

While I really liked the way you mentioned the danger infecting bandit, initially I wasn’t quite sure how to take the sudden large amount of dialogue in the post that followed.

Our most… precious resource, and yet discarded like spent ammunition. The people do not need a hero, storming out of the mists to rescue them from the weekly monster. I offer them… salvation.”

but I thought what okor said definitely had purpose. In the future I would’ve liked to see a bit more working up to it. Like, bandit saying “i’m no secondary!” or something. Bandit, was infact, once a secondary, and I think that could have been played on in this context.

His single eye blinked, pus encrusting its diseased lid. His devotional tabard flapped in the slight breeze, the sigil emblazoned upon it seeming to pulse in time with the bandit’s heatbeat, resonating with the maladies afflicting her. ”You no longer need to walk alone, Warrior. Join with… us. Accept your death, and you will find it will never come. An eternity to raise hell, to make this realm… right. To make its people safe, to elevate them.” Her eyes, becoming tinged with fever, darted around, glancing at her fallen weapon, the vulnerable form of her opponent, and the simple rune that called out to her, whispered promises and affirmations of adoration to her corrupted blood. ”All you need to do… Is let go. Rot, and be reborn. Spread his blessings, taint the wells, save the… world.” He stopped, the cyclopean eye set in the center of his mutated skull watching the spread of disease in the bandit’s body with interest. The pathogen’s efforts were stymied, halted by her impressive physique. If she would only stop fighting…

this part was possibly the most strong, and I felt like it demanded to be heard. The point was a bit inferred, but that was nice, because while I could take it as y’know, temptation, I felt like Okor was trying to tell the reader something too. Without the top part of this paragraph, I would’ve felt like the substance was lacking. Be careful that your dialogue doesn’t seem scattered. we want it to seem collected.

Their two disparate blows connected. Splintered wood tore into the plague marine’s throat, ripping apart his esophagus, scratching his reinforced spinal column as it twisted and turned, rending and ripping infected flesh in its quest for death. At the same instant, a septic dagger plunged into her gut, its toxic payload spreading into her already-corrupted bloodstream, while the savage construction of the weapon itself embedded itself in her entrails. They stood there in a shared embrace of impalement, the constant worrying of her makeshift weapon nullifying his rampant regeneration.

Ragged remnants of entrails fell from her muscled frame, grinning as the fever began to enter her eyes, streaks and flecks of her own infected vitae infiltrating her vitreous humours. She cocked back a bloodied fist, preparing to drive it into the eternally grinning visage of the plague marine. It did so, careening into his rotten face, a wet squelch emanating from the impact. Putrescent slime dripped from her fist, new bloody momentos carved upon it by the unyielding stone beneath the liquified form of Okor.

You still fight.” He rasped, the instrument of murder obstructing his trachea no more an impediment than the cysts and phlegm his voice forced its way through routinely. ”His essence… suffuses you. You say that life is struggle? That it is pain?” His chuckle was stilled by the pointed obstruction, emerging as a hacking, bloody cough. ”What you suffer is what I… survive every moment. Every torment inflicted upon the faithful is insubstantial, for.. Grandfather shields us. We rot so that their blades can no longer hurt us.”

a small blip about grandfather (though I vaguely remember it) may have helped my comprehension and impact of this a little. THE READERSSS- anyway, even without it, I thought this part came off with great success. There were certain aspects I felt like were a little off-balance (mentioned above) but I still liked the overall plot.

Final thoughts: You were at just about a tie with your opponent in this round. I felt like the story was predominantly there, but not ideally, well crafted. I felt like the story revolved a lot around bandit (which is what happened during my fight with her/him) and I felt about the same thing happened in this fight. Putting that fact aside, I felt like Okor was compelling, and the story you guys created was good, but it felt really dependent on Bandit.


Grammar and Spelling: 2

”Enough.” Spat Okor, the tendons in his jaw clearly visible and burnt, their blackness matching the infectious abyss of his mouth. His pistol howled, a corroded shell falling to the stone as he advanced forward.

I feel your pain for that b right there m8

The green flames of the alchemical inferno died away, leaving the woman gasping in pain as she clutched her ravaged limb. [b]”You still resist his embrace.”

Perhaps 3 of our number. The secondaries are feeble, mortal, finite.

[/quote] writing out “three” comes off much better/more fluent to the reader.

You’ll see in this category you scored rather low. And I don’t like giving out scores that subtract points so drastically, but the QF’s call for me to be a little bit more harsh on all the categories, and I think the bold mishap was a bit off setting, as well as could have been prevented with a preview button. Had the post been more last minute, while I may not have been more lenient, I think that I could understand the need for the haste. Also note that it was just [b]one post that you kind of had some faults with, so I took that into consideration before ruling my final score in this category.

TS: 17.5

[Storyteller]

Gildarts' judgement

you both are spectacular and I love you. That is all. -Gildarts

Adam

"Description and Clarity: 3

And sooner or later the universe was going to get its shit together and remember he wasn't a Light player, and then he was going to get the most angry of smites thrown down on his petulant little head from some random, upset deity.

This phrase got a little wordy. That’s not to say I didn’t like it, but it lasts three lines with only one/two commas, just keep an eye on things like that. That said, I liked your word choice, and felt really connected with what you were trying to say, and the point that came off to me.

Or, y'know...don't approach that casually.

When speaking in dialogue, it can be hard to describe tone mid-sentence, unless you break to narrate. I like to suggest a small inclusion of italics on just the word “don’t” because that’s how I would picture what I picture as adam and his personality, saying/warning some stranger to not sneak up on him. This was very minor, and dont worry, I wouldn’t take off points for something like this, but its something to keep in mind for the future.

One of Adam's eyebrows quirked up and his mouth all but fell open into a very confused expression of wonder, and more than a little clearly evident shock.

So far your sentence structure has been consistent, but keep an eye on the sentences like the above. We’re all guilty of run on sentences, and I think this one needs a comma and some slight modifying.

I could see it improved as the below, however, I am noting how borderline your word limit is, and I feel yo’ pain, I imagine you probably had to delete a little bit or modify it. As I was reading, I felt the... I don’t want to say quality of one sentence, but it started very fluent, and I felt like the change to get to the end of the sentence was almost dramatic, rather than a steady-gradual decline. It felt a bit missing, here’s a small suggestion.

One of Adam's eyebrows quirked up while his mouth all but fell open into a very confused expression of wonder. Traces of shock could be seen protruding from...”

I separated the last little bit, as it heeded the flow. No biggy, but sometimes extra words aren’t always enhancing to the story, or the sentence. I felt like you were definitely trying to display the shock as part of his emotion. Instead, I would like to mention that shock can also be felt. You already showed the reader the expression on his face. Now let the reader feel adam’s tingling sense of dread, or startled determination.

Without wasting any more breath, Adam snatched his preferred weapon of choice — his concealed rifle — from its place resting on his back, like some gratuitously oversized sword, and swung it around to point in his foe's general direction.

THIS WAS ON POINT. Nice hyphen, and I felt like it fit the sentence well too.

Adam's lamentation over his unsuccessful no-scope attempt was brought to a screeching halt as he was presented with the sight of what he could recognize only as a ball of fire and bad things, inches from his face.

I felt like instead of lamentation, you could’ve said that Adam “lamented” as a verb, and it may have flowed just a bit better.

The initial impact of the blow to his cheek had left the entire side of his face nearly numb

The choice of the word “initial” makes it so you didn’t have to use “had” in front of left. It adds an extra word, and heeds the flow of the sentence, subtly.

Any trace of pride or joy vanished from his demeanor as he tried to ignore the splitting ache in his skull. He turned around to face his opponent only to find the sorcerer now with a very familiar-looking implement in one hand. "Well, well. It appears we have a weapon in common." The crackling hiss of ignition and the red glow of the blade brought a scowl of indignation to Adam's face, and his eyes instinctively followed the glowing mass of energy as the sorcerer flourished it.

"Well great. Fantastic. Look at that. We both have the same weapon. Super."

two things in the above, the first was I wasn’t sure due to the way this paragraph as lead into, who was saying this, and then the repetition and parroting seemed unneeded. If you were insistent on having shang say that, I think instead of weapon, adam could’ve referenced the Ligthsaber as just that, or something really cool and kind of introduce your own/ a new description to it.

That said, I really liked the passion of what came next. “Adam could practically taste the venom in his own words.”

Now all I can do is this level of shit." And then his saber flashed, a flare of vermillion that clashed against the matching blade of his opponent. Adam rebounded from the strike, spinning on one heel and brought in a second strike from the opposite direction."And that? Well that just makes me kinda mad, y'know?"

powerful word choice

He'd been suspecting it from the very beginning, in the back of his head. But now it had been shoved, aggressively and in a fashion most impossible to ignore, right in his face. This guy wasn't like the other people he'd been shoved into a fight against. This guy was out for blood. And he had more than enough tricks to spill it.

For the beginning of this part, I would have thought a greater impact of this point could have been delivered by showing the reader this. In the post above, Shang was really menacing. I felt like just a little bit of placement, and the feeling could really grow in the reader’s mind. For example:

He had suspected from the very beginning, in the back of his mind, the suspicion had been growing (all along).

I really liked how you followed your sentence up though, which is why I included it as part of this quote. It was strong, and demanded to be heard. Very reinforcing to the referenced suspicion.

Already having regained his feet, the crimson blade of the monk's energy saber arced up, clearly intending to bat aside the winded child's blade. But his blade met only empty air.

This sentence could’ve had a little more force behind it, with the last part, it seemed a little weak considering how strongly the previous sentence started. To better reinforce things like this in the future, placement or taking a word out can help make the difference.

“But his blade met only empty air.” 
 I imagined my heart leaping to my throat when I slip. In battle something like this miscalculation could mean death to shang. I felt the gentle omission gave Adam an enforced edge.

But Shang didn't get much of a chance to lay eyes on that, or much of anything else. All he got was a blur of red and gray as Adam flipped forward into an axe kick, the heel of his foot colliding with the bridge of the monk's nose.

really nicely put

And dozens of laser bolts hissed ominously at Shang.

I would alter the placement just lightly.

“And dozens of laser bolts ominously hissed toward Shang.” I may not keep “toward” after a second look, but that’s why I write it out.

I think placing ominously before hissed, or before laser bolts gives the adjective more purpose, because we don’t want it to take place of the verb “hissed” that you chose.


Overall, I felt like you could’ve done better in this category. While I didn’t struggle to visualize your concept and actions, I felt like with a few minor modifications, the sentences could really shine. If you ever want any advice or a brief look over, I would be truly honored. Other than that, keep shining.

Voice: 4.5

Honestly it was a major surprise. Everyone he'd been put up against so far seemed like they had the advantage every time. Lack of fucks to give. Overwhelming size and quantity of weapons.

your voice started out very strong and well pronounced.

The bolt of red laser fire that spewed out of the barely-concealed barrel of the firearm missed him by inches as he stepped aside and ducked low.

In this sentence, if we sans the word limit, I felt like while it was well-pronounced, I felt like there was a small amount of room to work with to make the sentence really shine. This kind of thing doesn’t have to be with fancy words or even elite visualization. Your voice was really strong in the first half of your first post, and I felt it fade a little bit, even though that was the part that “hooked” me in.

But dazed as he was, his glasses knocked askew as they were, he still had the mental capacity for a smirk to curl at his lips. The barrel of his cleverly-concealed contraption spit out a burst of red sparks, crackling with a hum of built-up energy, and a blade of focused energy lanced out. The sorcerer was forced to shift his grip, shoving the weapon out to one side to avoid taking the sudden attack straight through the side, and Adam capitalized on the chance.

His free hand darted behind his back, and with only the hissing hum of ignition in the frigid air as warning, the crimson blade of his lightsaber flashed around in an underhand strike at the former monk's arm. As Adam had hoped he might, the much larger man's grip on the weapon released and only a glancing blow was struck across his forearm.

I felt like a lot more thought and effort was put into the gentle flow of the overall round this time. Nice word choice, it’s effect was really flattering to your style, and had a great impact on me.

"Man, I gotta ask..." Trying to ignore the pain and the cold biting at him in just shy of equal measure, he focused his blurred eyesight on what he sincerely hoped was the sorcerer. "How many more damn tricks do you have up your sleeves?"

Your last post was very strong, and your voice is one of my favorite things about your writing.

But right now he had an angry kombatant to deal with.

did you just... reinforce your reference to mortal combat from earlier? I almost didn’t catch it. That was awesome.

The man was solid, and to his credit didn't get completely smashed into the frozen ground as Adam had been expecting — and kind of hoping for, in all honesty — but merely sent staggering and reeling from the impact, more blood flying freely from his face.

Excellent

And as Adam landed, it was gingerly, and favoring one leg. Add one more thing to my ever-growing list of bright ideas. He grimaced all but hopping on one leg as he clipped his lightsaber back to his belt. "You just hold tight right there, now. I got something special for ya." And immediately as he spoke, the air around him blazed with a red glow. His eyes blazed with the same shade of red, whether a reflection or emanating from them it was impossible to tell. He raised his hands up in focus, bands of red light in a rainbow of shades erupting from the ground at his feet and spinning about his position.

This paragraph was stunningly done.

OVERALL: This was your strongest category. So I have a few things to say. My favorite post, and your strongest was the last. I felt you really hit your groove. You kept me reading, and wanting to know about Adam and his character. I felt he was relatable and funny, and I really just loved how at ease he was. Throughout the entire battle, he was a delight to hear from, and I loved how you incorporated the dialogue into something with consequence.




Character: 3.5

Okay. Focus, Adam. Focus. You got this, man. You are literally a god. Lost some power, yeah, but the principle stands. You beat the shit out of a green lumberjack miner person, a giant bucket of rust and weapons, and some scary ass lady who didn't know what the fuck she was on about.

This self-counseling sesh helped to set me in Adam’s mind, as well as I just found it relatable. When gearing up against someone, especially as notable as shang might be, (just to stand next to) I thought it plausible, realistic, and that helped to establish a good connection with the reader and the character.

Adam stumbling blindly, his world turned upside down. "Fhhk..." he wheezed, barely resisting the urge to fall to his knees. Why did these people always go for the HEAD.

Why indeed? This part had me laughing.

"You're really kind of a jackass, y'know. Hitting a kid with glasses. In the face. You have any idea how much harder that makes this?" Almost immediately he waves one hand dismissively. "No wait don't answer that. Just remembered I don't really give a shit."

Adam’s sarcasm. You really pull it off. I felt like the dialogue was really nice here, and that it gave you a good advantage over your opponent, as well as just didn’t have to be explained with a thorough reason littered with the five W’s for the reader to understand what was to be taken from it. Adam’s a great character, and I like how his words have consequence.

”Nope. Not quick enough, man."

This was a nice play, and I felt it combatted how 1 adam was regarded as a kid and 2 how OLD immortal ol’ shang really is.
Nice.

OVERALL: Good work in this category. Your voice and Adam’s character really give you you a strength in your writing. I also felt like you did nicely to overlap Adam’s character with a bit of story. I liked Adam’s witty banter. In the future, I’d like to have a stronger indicator of not quite how he was feeling, but some simple fundamentals of his personality that could’ve been pushed a bit more. You still did wonderfully in this category,

Story: 4.5

Pointedly ignoring the caches of weapons behind him, preferring instead to stick to what he knew best, Adam took off at a brisk jog across the frosty ground, clambering none too gracefully up a mound of snow. "Damn I hate the cold..." he muttered to himself, letting out a puff of effort as he reached the twenty foot peak. "I'll take it over the heat, though," he continued halfheartedly, peering through the snow-filled air to try and land eyes on his opponent.

"I'm not overly fond of the cold, myself."

The sudden speech caught Adam off guard and he practically jumped out of his skin.

This part was really entertaining, and the subtle way you set it up, I didn’t see it coming, and I really liked it because it, to me, showed you incorporated some knowledge of Shang you had, and his... ‘effect’ on people.

Any trace of pride or joy vanished from his demeanor as he tried to ignore the splitting ache in his skull. He turned around to face his opponent only to find the sorcerer now with a very familiar-looking implement in one hand.

This part nicely promoted the continuing growth of the post.

over the shattered husk of more planets than he could count, and used his only friends' corpses as a stairway to reach the final door. He had won, damn it. He deserved some peace and quiet. He deserved to finally let it all just....fucking be over.

I CRAVED seeing the emotion and motive behind Adam’s resolution. This was a great inclusion, and it arrived at a good point and was well-paced.

"You're really kind of a jackass, y'know. Hitting a kid with glasses. In the face. You have any idea how much harder that makes this?" Almost immediately he waves one hand dismissively. "No wait don't answer that. Just remembered I don't really give a shit."

One step forward and Adam flickeres again, two steps forward and he disappeared again, bolting across the short distance between himself and the former monk in the space of a heartbeat. "S'up." He paused for just long enough to more than telegraph his attack, before making an almost lazy swipe with his blade. Take the bait. Take it.

I really liked how you included the strategic aspect of it. It complimented your side and voice of the story well, but also, I haven’t been able to see a lot of it pulled off successfully, so I just wanted to mention how well I felt it was done.

Glaring at the child, bloodied teeth clenched in irritation at his petulance, the former monk regained his feet. "Special, is it? How fascinating."

"You're god damn right." And then Adam thrust both palms outward, toward the sorcerer. The face of a clock appeared, the shade matching the bright red gear emblazoned on Adam's chest. And it, along with the flow of time, shattered.

would it be considered sarcastic to call this bonding? <3

Conclusion: this category was about even for the both of you. Nice job, and good demonstration of all your dialogue. It gave you a slight edge.

Grammar and Spelling: 3

Damn....didn't know I was signing up for mortal kombat when I got into this.

You did things like this a couple of times. I like to visualize “didn’t” as a space away from the stylistic ellipsis, and also capitalized. It’s dialogue, but it’s still important for the reader on account of fluidity. I’m not super worried about things like this when it comes to grammar, but I thought this was the category for me to voice small modifications that I would not only make to my own writing, but would also like to see.

barely-concealed

I didn’t feel like the hyphen was super necessary here

Just DONE SOMETHING to not leave himself so completely unprepared and blind for this entire ordeal.

While I see that you used italics twice in this paragraph above, I think emphasis could have been applied to these words without caps. I also want to voice I recognize it as a stylistic choice, and I’m not going to infringe your right to emphasize it your way, I just feel that during a fight, style including font should be conscious.

He was literally a god of Time.

I would capitalize “God” or not capitalize and add an italic to the word time.

It would look like this, as a sample: “He was literally a god of [/i]time[/i].”

But no. He was blind, just like any other little shit.

While I can hear your narration and voice very well in this statement, also warn to not start a sentence like that with a but, unless you wanted to put it in italics, which would imply a separate/stream of thought.

Adam rebounded from the strike, spinning on one heel and brought in a second strike from the opposite direction."And that? Well that just makes me kinda mad, y'know?"

easy to miss, but there was no space right there. Also, your word count is the same on something like that. I double checked. Word counter is truly an elite tool.

One step forward and Adam flickeres again

this should be flickers

He was doing his damnedest not to show just how exhausted he was already getting. How heavy his breathing was.How much he was shivering from pain and cold.

space again



TS: 18.5



Shang

"Description and Clarity: 4.5

Had he not paid any heed to the dwindling crowd of remaining contestants, he may have been fooled or taken aback by ‘Adam Gaite.’ Unfortunately, the sorcerer wasn’t an idiot, and try as he might, he found himself insulted that this was what he was pitted against.

You had a very strong start, and this part here was very clear an concise. It left me wanting more to know about Shang, and his perception of his opponent. I liked how the ‘quotes’ implied he was unfamiliar, and that you didn’t have to say a thing in order for the reader like me, to know that the characters had yet to be acquainted.

Shang rushed forward and lashed out with a forearm slash that soared high of its mark as the kid ducked. A quick, thrusting blow caught Adam in the chest and sent him bowling head-over-heels down the small little hill. Although he’d won the exchange, there was something that didn’t sit well with the scowling sorcerer. For a seemingly awkward and scrawny youth, Adam reacted a little too quickly. Shang had failed to notice it during their first scuffle, but he’d picked it up during their most recent exchange.

I liked how you, for the ‘ice-breaking’ action sentence, you went with something small and not too embellished. Purple always looks good on you man, but sometimes matching a previously set tempo and changing it to your own style can really achieve an overall influential effect on the story and it can -sorry adam- offer an upper hand to your own status in the fight.

Although he could barely see through the thick, wet air around him, Shang felt something wrong out to his left. With just the feeling of discomfort to go off of, he shot out a hand in time to intercept the shaft of the teen’s crutch. His fingers squeezed around the faux exterior of the laser weapon as the vapor finally started to settle, revealing an Adam on the other end of the weapon who wore a visibly unsettled expression on his visage.

Nice clarity here.

The kid went down, and he stayed there, his focus on dousing the fire that hungered for his flesh.

While I thought that this sentence was really nicely written, I also felt like the ending “hungered for his flesh” is a cool visual, and a spectacular concept, I felt like instead of hungered, something like, “craved” may have had a bit more of an immediate / directly impacting effect. Other than that, I imagined Adam’s head as one of shang’s notorious flaming skulls.

Overall: You excel with your word choice, and I could barely find anything to suggest or edit. Keep it up.

Voice: 4

On the bottom of the slope, the boy in red rose to his feet and brushed away the snow. His pale features were twisted in discomfort as he shook a few clumps out of his hair. “I just said I hate the cold and you do me like that?” He asked with a tone too close to that of a petulant teenager.

nice visual

A few feet away, Adam twirled his lightsaber and started toward Shang, his movements too fast and erratic to follow. Unbeknownst to the approaching youth, there was a faint glimmer in the sorcerer’s ensanguined palm, and as the fake child rushed in to land a fatal blow, the sorcerer fell over and threw out his blood-drenched hand.

I learned a new word today. Also, I felt like this was a good display of clarity, but also some of the way voice can incorporate with action and the display of that.

Time fractured.

One moment, the creature masquerading as a child was before him, spouting off some nonsense about special attacks.

In the next instant, Adam Gaite was in the same spot, but his posture had changed just enough to be noticeable. If that wasn’t the real giveaway, the air around Shang was filled with laser bolts that held for a brief instant before hurtling down upon him.

very powerful word choice

Even though the blasts hit, flattened out, and fizzled away, the concussive impact seeped through the barrier. Each defended bolt sent a shockwave of pain down the sorcerer’s arms, and by the time the barrage petered out, his arms had barely any sensation left in them. The limbs drooped to his sides like limp noodles as he glanced across the frozen surface to Adam Gaite.

nice use of imagery

Final thoughts: Good work.
Character: 4

A coy remark started to form in the sorcerer’s mouth, but he swallowed it whole—No games— and threw out his right palm. There was whoosh of icy air over his body before the brilliant lance of energy screamed down toward its intended quarry. The child, as Shang anticipated, escaped the path of the attack before it could bore a superheated hole through his chest. Although he’d avoided the initial blast, the force shuddered the nimble figure long enough for the sorcerer to readjust his aim.

Relatable as well, and it was a cool choice and a simple answer to avoid an entirely dialogue-based exchange.

Before Adam’s shitty little face could spit out a response, Shang belched a mouthful of flames at him. The faux human avoided the burning stream from striking him full on, but some of the fire scorched

well pronounced... “passion” from Shang

While none of the individual blasts were that strong, the amalgamated horde of blood-bombs was more than enough force to drive a stunned, battered Adam Gaite into the snow and leave him writhing as his torn flesh seethed in agony.

“Tell me how it feels.” Shang hissed as he rose from the ground.

Through blurred eyes, the youth watched as sparks of energy arced across the gruesome wounds on the sorcerer’s chest. The former monk’s right eye twitched as the heat burned shut the wounds, sealing them shut for the moment.

Although his knees wobbled, Adam made it to his feet. “Smells so terrible.”

This part was pretty sadistic/vocalized in that way. My connection with shang or rather, my comprehension of him, especially after he mentioned what sacrifice and also how he felt he has earned the right (from a thousand years) was a cool compilation. While I think I’d choose to sit in the same room as Adam instead of Shang, there’s no denying how much of a badass he is, and how clearly he’ll cut you with his gaze.

A question formed on his lips as he looked back up at the man’s eyes, which had that far-away look one would expect to find in war veterans. “You oka—”

WAS THAT CONCERN I JUST SAW? FROM SHANG TSUNG?

The sound of Adam’s voice, even as hoarse as it was, caused Shang’s blood to boil. “Thank you, snow. You are my friend.” A few yards away, the youth was on his feet, and although pillars of steam wafted up from his shoulders, chest, and face, he had regained his composure. Blisters and patches of reddened flesh dotted his once snow-white face.

This inclusion was awesome. It was subtle, but Shang’s reaction to Adam was really just lacking definition. I liked the development for his character, and I liked to see what kind of things test a millenium old chinaman.

Final thoughts: You really kept me on edge with Shang’s choices and actions. I was distinctly thrilled and absolutely loved every minute of it.

Story: 4

For an entire afternoon, the former monk had subjected himself to a cornucopia of agonies that ran the gamut from stabbings and poisonings all the way to having his ribs shattered and his skin burnt to the bone. What had this child actually endured en route to their present destination? Whatever trials he had endured, they hadn’t been enough to wholly deplete his reservoir or sarcasm, and it was that fact among all others that fouled the sorcerer’s mood.

Not part of the story you say? It was a nice recap, and I felt it was good, necessary, and helped you build for what is to come. You’ve done a good job taking careful consideration of previous suggestions and implementing them while maintaining your own style. *thumbs up*

“I spent a thousand years building my strength. One thousand years of defeated adversaries. One thousand years of victories. One thousand years of growing power.”

Oh what it all has cost him. This part was very dramatic, but it really had a good impact and I felt like it was nicely framed too.

We’re almost done here, aren’t we?” Adam muttered as he glanced over to his lightsaber.

Shang saw where he was looking and scowled. “Yes.” He muttered as he kicked the gadget across the snow to its owner. “Now pick it up.”

I was a fan of this exchange.

Then he saw the grin on Shang’s previously agonized visage…

It was that same predatory smile that he hadn’t seen since the start of their little fight.

“Bag of tricks,” the sorcerer whispered as he used his other finger to point at the air above his opponent.

Eyes widening even before he looked, Adam tilted his head back and saw the very last thing he ever wanted to see.

Nice development in the story, and it felt like a ‘finale’ moment.

As the horrible reality set into his head, the bolts crashed down onto Adam Gaite.

I feel like you are playing off of my secret love of cliff hangers. Both of you.

Conclusion: this category was even for the both of you. Nice work. If I could suggest anything to improve it, I might suggest some subtle tides of battle may be drowned out by the other character’s strengths/ or your opponent’s writing style. Don’t let them get the best of you. Shang is a great character to demonstrate this category and “character” strongly. The strong emphasis has already been established on both of these categories. They’re all placed together fluently. My final advice might be to just polish a bit, and don’t be afraid to match your opponent’s extremities. You already make it compelling, but there are parts that could be made just a bit more evident, rather than swept away in the tide of all of your ‘complete’ awesome.

You’re in for a hell of a ride.

Grammar and Spelling: 4.5

“[i}You[/i] are bitching to me about having to start from scratch?”

The dreaded bracket. Sometimes we miss things even if we hit preview, and will end up looking at the text box we are able to type into, instead of the finalized words above it.

Other than that, no complaints here. You’re an ace.

TS: 21

Winner: Shang Tsung

Good luck.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Minato's Judgement

Adam Gaite

Description & Clarity: 4 - I think your detail and descriptions of events and scenery around you was done quite well. I never found myself overwhelmed with information. Your writing allowed me to picture everything that was going on between you and Shang. I hardly found myself needing to re-read sections or sentences to fully understand what was going on.

Voice: 4 - I mean, It’s all there. Your writing style, the way you use your distinct voice to bring out Adam’s character, It’s all there. Your dialogue is the major factor that contributes to this, but it is not the only way you express your uniqueness as a writer on this site.

Character: 4 - Adam is a little shit. Well, a sarcastic asshole if anything. But I really enjoyed this as it became a part of the fight. I think his dialogue expresses this the most, and that isn’t a bad thing. I really felt the tone in what he said. I wasn’t just reading words, I was hearing them. I was hearing how his character came across to Shang, and to the readers themselves.

Story: 4 - A solid effort. Sometimes the story is hard to get. Often one person will take the lead and the other will just follow them. But I feel like you and Shang balanced it equally, I didn’t feel as though either of you held more than 50% of the story driving at any one point. Even when you were writing as each other's characters.

Grammar & Spelling: 4.5 - A few mistakes and whatnot, but it was mostly fine. I didn’t find myself stumbling over many errors and blatant mistakes.

Total = 20.5

Shang Tsung

Description & Clarity: 4 - I mean, This was pretty much the same as What I said for Adam. You guys write in such a way that is descriptive, but also very, very clear and understandable. This is why I enjoyed reading this fight.

Voice: 4.5 - You have a very distinct writing style, and everyone knows it. You can always Identify a Proto Post. Other than small improvements to the way you write, there wasn’t much difference in this category than from your last fight.

Character: 4 - I mean, Shang is Shang. I think you bring him out quite well. I’m not finding myself reading a different character from thread to thread or post to post. You’ve got him down and I think you do really well to show us who he is, how he fights, and what he strives for.

Story: 4 - It’s pretty much the same as what I said for Adam. There’s often times where a writer will just fall in line behind a stronger writer. Since you’ve been writing for a long time, it can be quite easy for other writers to follow your lead. But in this instance, to me at least, both Adam and yourself shared the story driving equally throughout the entire fight.

Grammar & Spelling: 5 - I mean, this hasn’t changed from the other Times I’ve judged you, well done man, Well done.

Total = 21.5

Adam

Gildarts - 18.5
Minato - 20.5
Average - 19.5

Shang

Gildarts - 21
Minato - 21.5
Average - 21.25

The Winner is Shang Tsung

[Storyteller]

Bandit V Magus

Gildarts:
So, when I foresee matches to be really hard for me, I got into the habit of taking into account the strengths of rounds. It doesn’t MEAN anything, but I thought you might like to see my inclusion of the ‘train of thought expressed’ upon careful reflection of each round.

Rounds: R1 undeniably magus. While Bandit’s character/story pair up was a bit more compelling in this one, I felt like Magus’s lead was so strong OVERALL that the round went to him. I liked his descriptions and felt like they were about the same level as bandit, who posted the second half, but Magus’s character, strong lead, and how he started the story was really strong in my book. Adversely, there were very brief times that didn’t last very long, that I felt like the perspective detached a little bit, during descriptions. The snow was a plus in Bandit’s favor, but on the other hand, I think the way magus is so in-tune with his character on the fundamental level, it shows so strongly that I favor the voice and written description because one I like it, and two, its his.

R2 goes to bandit. The story this round was so compelling, everything came together -characters, vivid details, and dialogue. Nicely done.

R3 TIE. If I had, HAD TO choose, I really just couldn't. So the categories do it for me...
_____




Magus
"Description and Clarity: 4.5

The elegant cape draped upon his bare shoulders did little to protect the rest of his body from the cold and his face stung, reminding him of the blinding pain he’d been subjected to just moments ago, forced to literally fight for his life as his demonic opponent nearly succeeded in literally punching his face off.

This was great! But I felt like grammatically, there COULD have been either a semicolon or a period to separate the placement and pausing of the pace. The reason I place it here in clarity, is more or less preference because I don’t think it was at all wrong the way you phrased it. I felt the sentence was clear, and I liked what could be taken from the careful folds of description interwoven in.

... Again, she dodged, and he lunged at her as she evaded, catching her low across the legs with his scythe, upending her and, while she world in mid-air, blasted her in the vest....

This segment right here was a little extended in length, and I took only an excerpt in the quote. I like the way you use longer sentences, and find it works for everything you are trying to convey and establish, as well as makes sense and doesn’t compromise grammar.

As for “he lunged at her as she evaded” could be considered wordy. I found it short, and well, nicely done because staccato should be a pace touched on by how back and forth fighting exchanges are. It also reinforced what you later established as both of the fighters being on par with one another.

He audibly sighed. What stimulating conversation.

This exchange with Magus’s mind was brief and to the point. I liked how you DIDN’T have to use italics for me to know you were being sarcastic. It attributes to voice, but also this section, because you tend to use inferred descriptions (in a different way than your opponent’s writing) but it really works for you, and I just wanted to pull this up.

Wisps of purple lazily swirled along the tundra as the Bandit leapt up through the air, humongous sledge revved up and careening down upon him. Magus evaded the hammer as it shattered the ice next to his head.

Finesse. You make it look so easy, but this is a really nicely written sentence.

Erupting through the surface of the harrowingly cold water, Magus dragged himself onto the surface, shivering in the awful wind swirling about him. He clenched his chattering teeth and clasped his arms around his knees. He just had to wait for a few minutes. He would be crowned the victor soon, and then only one adversary would be left before he was made champion.

This part was great, and really showed me what you were bringing to the table.


Voice: 5

His eyes flitted over the frigid wasteland, deliberately ignoring both the cold and his opponent. His lips curled with the slightest hint of dissatisfaction.

This was a wonderful hook. You started out really strong, and yet it was subtle and not overcompensating. It came off brilliantly, and stunned me as just such an eloquent hook.

he liked the bracing cold. It was refreshing. Invigorating. Maybe part of that was because he didn’t need to endure it every day of his life like the surface-dwelling peasants.

I put this here, rather than in character, because I felt like the lens you applied was spot-on. Again, you didn’t overwhelm the reader, but simply let it flow. I think the portrayal came across nicely, and was a great hint at the mage’s perception/perspective of himself, and how he views others.

Magus looked up to the sky, admiring the fluffy falling flakes, and raised his arms out to his sides. A hiss of mauve smoke surrounded his hands,

This part was a great incorporation of setting and detail.

Magus locked eyes with the crusty nomad, piercing into her and hoping to find some kind of twisted sense of humor. This delusional wench couldn’t have made it this far by acting like such a goddamned child.

SOOOO MUCH to talk about in just this one small paragraph. I’ll break it down -that is, everything I’m thinking:

That was awesome: I like how you seize control of being the first person this round to post. I like how your voice seeps into the writing. I like how I hear Magus talking, and while I may not admit of how relatable it is, I feel a good connection to his point of view.

Also, it strengthened just the basic outlook of the character. I know where magus stands, and for the rest of the fight, I feel like it will be a familiar and residual perspective, what way when he references things like how he perceives bandit, I can fully ‘get’ it. First impressions, right?

Your strength in starting strong is great, and I think how you don’t hesitate to leap into control REALLY suits you, and Magus’s style.

-There was one more thing, but I forgot, so nice work on voice, and even in the many sentences to come after this. Little things like this are some of my favorite in regards to the overall story and essence of writing. Little details, that is.

... just as the chilly air was suddenly invaded with a rolling hell-scape of blistering heat an searing flames...

This kind of thing, sometimes I’ll put under voice, but I really felt like you pretty much described the whole entire scenery in a sentence or less. You aren’t overly flamboyant or whimsical, your observations are down to earth, and I think it’s an asset to your writing. Some people/readers reading it may miss that sometimes writing isn’t all about expressing a completely in depth thing, in the absolute middle of the fight. I find this very valuable that throughout the fight you didn’t lose yourself or your voice in trying to be over the top, one up, or otherwise, go all out in a description that doesn’t necessarily improve 1 the story or 2 the impact it has on the reader.

Your pace and tempo regarding the above, and when to reveal your (underlying) descriptions has been very carefully thought about, and it shows throughout the entire fight. (right after this, you did an awesome action-post, with very vivid descriptions: )

He took the brunt of the hammer’s strike to his head, and immediately *, the flames pulled back into him as he smashed into the ice and then skittered along its surface, bouncing again and again before crashing into a frozen hill halfway across the icebound lake.

Optional comma or period up there, and I think it mainly has to do with style. Still, some segmentation in this paragraph may have been good, I don’t, however, think its the kind of thing that is completely necessary, and it didn’t come off as a run on sentence to me, but rather just in need of an extra something. It is a long sentence, and that’s how you write, so I am not going to put this (again) in the grammar category, but rather citing it here as something to do with clarity of your character’s action. Be careful not to let it get muddled.

Crimson oozed from his eye.

Gross. I was seriously perturbed. Very influential phrasing.

Magus spun his scythe, haft dancing along his fingers, sending the huge weapon into a lazy twirl as he approached. The artificial storm had grown fierce, whipping snow up into his face, his blood red cape billowing out behind him. He grimaced as the harsh wind teased at the ragged edges of his wounded eye like a hundred needles gently scraping up and down.

This was awesome.

Character: 5

(magus speaking) “Because I’m tired, my. . . grace. . . has worn thin. You have the next ten seconds to kneel in surrender. Otherwise, I will kill you, and I will make you endure the most exquisite suffering. (imaginable) All Camelot will bear witness to my . . . exhaustion.”

This part was amazing, and I’m in love with Magus. (or rather your portrayal of him......) I wouldn’t change dialogue for flow and felt everything worked well. But in my quote I added “imaginable” in parenthesis just to see what it looked like. If perhaps you were deliberating this omission, I one hundred percent agree that the word is excess. Keepin’ it classy. Looks good. Also, the overall power and effect the statement / originality was just awesome. Can’t say it enough. I was entertained and thoroughly engaged. Bad- ass.

No sense of mirth, no coy twinkling of her toying with him. This ... person... was a bloody simpleton.

Right after this, magus shares his thoughts and calls her an idiot. I thought that it kind of defines how honest his character is. No one gives him enough credit for saying what’s on his mind. Bandit too. I feel like they could both relate, and then also both foil well. Opposite sides of the same spectrum kind of thing.

There were a few other things, like the style in which you delivered ‘bloody simpleton’ and I just wanted to say I could really connect to the thought wavelength with your use of italics. It came out fluently. I also found your delivery strikingly stunning, but you didn’t go purple pros, or try to overcomplicate your description and explanation, which yes, attributes to clarity and description, but also, just kind of says a little bit about the voice in which Magus is described, and USES to describe. Amazing.

*also, sidenote really quickly, I like how magus didn’t call Bandit an idiot with malice, but just full-forth observation. Attributes to his character, kind of thing.

Story: 4.5

The man in the red coat, he’d made Magus afraid, if but for a moment, and that, in turn, had made him angry. He’d sworn death for the devil hunter and had failed to deliver.

This ref could’ve gone in character, but I just liked how subtly this part was introduced, and it offered a unique take on the motivations of Magus’s character, but brought it to a certain angle that directly effected what everyone in the tournament is experiencing.

Magus was immortal.

I screamed internally. Ten bonus cookies for referencing your last fight’s title :pink:- fought with myself- in this. Plus like, it was a significant revelation and stuff. Story impact and whatnot, but I’m allowed to feel a little pride so I’m vocalizing. Nice incorporation of death as a blatant subject discussed by bandit. Just keep in mind, last time Bandit died, she was a secondary that TURNED into a prime.

Magus hissed as thick tendrils of black and bluish-purple smoke coalesced all around the two competitors. “I’m better.”

The set up on this part was great. I wanted to offer you a little bit of option to just double check the first part, which was “You must be good to have made it this far. But this much has become obvious,”

It wasn’t completely necessary to end the sentence there and start the next one with “but” ... but its dialogue, and I felt it worked in this context. Another option, just for you to think about ( I want you to know I’m not trying to pick apart your post or anything, I’m just trying to give a thorough review for such a matched battle, ) “I’m better.” had the option of being separate from the rest of the paragraph. It worked well here, and I’m sure you gave this a thought or two, because its the end, and it exercised consequence. You made a good call leaving it where it was, I just wanted to verbalize the structure, and how it worked for you, while in other cases, for other players, it may not have worked out so fluently and flatteringly to the post. You ended it strong!

(bandit speaking) “Oh I’m and idiot, huh?!”

I liked what you were trying to do with the dialogue, but I wasn’t sure if I could picture her saying that. - that kind of thing doesn’t/would never count against you unless bandit suddenly wore pink and started to sip tea (which is, spectacularly out of character for her)- but I think overall, this category against how strong your opponent was doing in this category, was harder on you, because while it was compelling, and I like the way you use and execute dialogue, this round/ match, it didn’t have as much influence on me for the story, but rather, magus’s actions and perception, which were certainly more compelling in several ways.

Sometimes (the middle of ) your posts seemed a bit long, like you had already said what you wanted to say and were kind of softy reiterating (not directly) what was already the current pace of the storyline. It wasn’t that there was too much back and forth, but try to keep it at a set limit, as while it starts strong and ends with consequence, you don’t want the middle to be / come off as inconsequential.

-the part where magus lost his eye was really cool.

Magus watched her struggle for a moment, relishing in the repulsive aura of fear that radiated from her like it did from all people when they realized they were going to die. It was… interesting. For all of her bluster, when put in the glow of Death’s headlights, all of her immortality meant nothing. Just like everyone else, she was suffused with the animalistic fear that everyone felt before they were unmade.

This was awesome to the story part.

This was too:

There would be no beauty in her death, only ugliness, isolation, and fear. He swam toward the hole they had fallen through while the woman continued to thrash aimlessly, having lost her grasp on which way ‘up’ was.

Nice plot inclusion and I felt it was delivered with a good dramatic effect.

The thick, soupy blackness of Magus’ Miasma continued to permeate the battlefield, slowly sapping at the Bandit’s strength even as the cold did the same. He had to kill her. Now.

I was a little worried about your finale and how you would pull it off. Overall, I liked it, however I felt it could’ve been concluded to gear up a little more impact. I felt you had strong starts for every single round. Italics on the “now” may look cool, but I was good with how you ended it.


Grammar and Spelling: 5

“I’ve grown... quite tired of this competition.”

This was fine, but I mentioned in my other fight that quite could be capitalized or not depending on the context and use of ellipsis.

He’d sworn death for the devil hunter and he had failed to deliver.

Be careful with the pronouns, because while I know that you were simply referencing another character, the pronoun “he” used right after, is grammatically inclined to reference said character. This kind of thing is easy to miss, plus I note word limits and flow of sentences are hard to keep when you have to pick through little junk rules like this, but just keep in mind for the future that the second he should technically be “magus” or a pronoun for him instead, (or “sexy magus”). This kind of thing could go under clarity category, but I placed it here because it makes more sense to me that clarity isn’t a rule, while grammar and spelling/punctuation has set rules.

I wont be quoting this, but a few times you put a period in front of quotes, and some of the time I felt like a comma would have sufficed. It’s also, to my knowledge, considered a bit more correct.

“...idiot,” the wizard breathed. His tone blunt and matter...

Ehhhhhh, I felt like a comma where that period would’ve been fine, but I don’t really plan to hold you to it, because I feel like you were trying to synthesize some staccato tone early on in this post, to help better establish a fighting climate for the second round.

glow of Death’s headlights,

I wasn’t too confident that death had to be capitalized ?

His command of the language wasn’t strong, and the Fiendlord found himself touched by what he had said: accusingly,

I wasn’t too sure what you were doing with the colon, but I assumed you were recounting what was mentioned. Make sure the A is capitalized in that case.


Final notes: Story and character were your strongest categories. Good work, and Magus made it very VERY compelling.


24



Bandit With No Name


"Description and Clarity: 5

his shoes pointed towards the sky

You didn’t have to distinctly say “MAGUS fell flat on his ass” I like how you and magus both write with vision that can be inferred, and is NOT abrasive to the reader as they are reading it too. Descriptions can be light and whimsical, or heavy, pros laden, and otherwise rather overwhelming. You both have a good skill in deciding what is relevant to the story, and the reader’s imagination.

“What happened to your whimsy?”

I wasn’t sure what this was supposed to mean, but overall it was funny and I liked the effect of the taunt.

The engine roared, flames scorching through the snow dusted air as she charged forward...

Nice. This whole paragraph was wonderful.

she barely managed to hear the sound of his footfalls as he approached, and she was thankful for the snow’s crunch...

This entire paragraph was awesome. I was stunned and blown away by the voice and description that lasted the entire post. Very fluent and fulfilling.

The man’s cruel, injury-distorted smirk retained its position. It soon vanished however, when the smoldering pile of flesh and steel fidgeted its miserably contorted body.

Solid, “it soon vanished-however” kind of felt a bit kinda “there” rather than as a sentence enhancer. Sometimes in order for things to make sense we haveto add things like this, so I wasn’t super worried about the way this one was put, even if I felt it was a bit wordy.

Planting the end of Sledge’s Hammer into the snow, she angled the exhaust towards herself, grabbed the handle, and twisted. The engine’s waterlogged chambers sputtered for a moment before it choked to life. A thick cloud of steam billowed from the tubes before a torrent of flame coughed out, followed by its iconic V8 roar. Though the thick shadow-magic refused to be illuminated by the fire, it could do nothing to drown out the heat.

Nice descriptions, man.

Voice: 5

thick clumps of white tumbling from the harsh edges that protruded from every angle of her armor..

I really liked the tone here, and how your word choice sprung the images and detail before my eyes.

The battle-hardened raider stopped dead in her tracks. Slowly, her attention dropped from her target to the ground below her, to the carpet of ivory that swept in every direction.

TWO THINGS, one’s a suggestion, the other is admiration. You really have a knack for kickin’ butt, and I felt like this part was awesome in the way that the arena spanned before my eyes at such a slow but reflective pace that I felt like I was seeing what bandit was seeing. Bad-ass.

The other thing, is I would just mention is that while the second sentence seems simple, I felt a vague amount of repetition. It’s influence is certainly there, just be aware on how you referenced the ground and carpet.

toes clung to the ground, leaving to trenches as she slid.

this was awesome.


I could quote numerous places, but your voice in your second post was very elaborate, and executed to PERFECTION.

Unwilling to take yet another hit, the bandit snarled and tossed herself into him, just inside the weapon’s range. When the blade soared past and sunk itself in the snow, she snatched his wrist and held it firm, preventing him from pulling it free. Using her prosthetic limb, she hammer-fisted it further down, wedging it in the crust.

This is awesome.

Character: 4.5

“I didn’t even notice,” ... “It’s...” she whispered to herself, “cold.”

IF ANYONE thought bandit wasn’t compelling already, the delivery and relevance of this, was just spectacular. It came off with perpetual finesse.

As much as I thought the both of you did wonderfully for round one, it was such a cool development to see Bandit having a bit of sensitivity. And I feel like, since I think I’ve read every single match from both you AND Magus, that you yourself were due for a little bit of chilling touch to the reader. It was nicely done, and I liked how you framed it. It came off as one of the simple things that a person may not notice, but to bandit it actually MEANT something. Like if you’ve never seen the sun, stars, rain, because you’re on opposite ends of the world with a different climate. Simply spectacular.

“playfully threw a snowball”

I’m sorry, I was imagining bandit as cute as a kitten. <3

After that, though, Magus swatted down the snowball, and while I felt like that part was character-fitting, and I liked it for plot purposes, I was definitely ready to get down to “business” at that point. I was glad Bandit threw the snowball, this time, with malice / determination.

I’ve already told you, you dense shit, I ain’t got anything you can steal from me.” Rotating her arm, she massaged one of the various tears in the muscle from her brief moment of geriatrics....“So there’s nothing to take.”

She’s so confident, I love it. Added some finality to the dialogue I felt, too.

Story: 4.5

”I made a life out of killin’ Primes that think they’re better than me.” She ejected the energy cell from her rifle, smoothly slapping another one in its place. “You’re just the next name on a long list, pal.”

This part, while it could be considered character development, I felt it really ignited the story, and gave you a way to wedge into Magus’s already very developed set. It was strong and had good effect.

”Every damn round I’ve been stuck with some uppity asshole.”

I actually liked what this did to the story, and it kind of fought back against what magus had once referred to during a briefly inserted reflection. It really showed me that you were capable of staying neck in neck in every aspect of the game, and keeping up in such excelling ways certainly gives you room to trump him.

began to notice her joints, the wheeze in her breath.

I liked seeing how the fight effected bandit, added some flavor to the overall story.

“I can take your strength... your breath... your life.”

This part was REALLY strong, and I felt like I could picture magus, a villain, saying things like this. You executed the dialogue well, and how it impacted the entire story was phenomenal.

She had to kill him. Now.

You masterfully put his own phrasing against him.

The bandit cared little as segments of her attire were set ablaze by the immense temperatures that perfused them, nor did she pay heed to the burns that rushed along her skin with the inferno. All that she wanted was warmth enough to move. Warmth enough to fight.

Nice, I like how it escalated from “first snow” to, how drastic and dangerous the cold actually is. I thought you brought the effect to a full circle, as well as its full potential.

The still-burning protrusions dug into his gut, his skin sizzling as she hefted him off the ground and through the air. Nearly helpless against her brute strength, Magus could only go along for the ride as she charged through the darkness. The outer wall of the Miasma blossomed when they burst through, grasping wisps reluctant to release them as they stumbled into the daylight.

action-y!

Grinning maniacally, she rhetorically asked, “Thirsty?” then slammed his face through the ice.

Strong ending!


Grammar and Spelling: 4.5

Primes that think they’re better than me.” She ejected the energy cell from her rifle, smoothly slapping another one in its place.

She shouldn’t be capitalized. I almost missed this myself, but this round I’m writing out the quotes rather than just copying and pasting them. no biggy,! Just keep an eye out for things like this in the future. For reference, you can see just above, where you parted the original quote with a comma, rather than the dialogue starting at a fresh paragraph.

“It’s...” she whispered to herself, “cold.”

Cold should be capitalized.

“you fuckin’ spoil sport.”

dittoo

Her heels to hit the ground and she continued. “The.....

two things. 1 you don’t want to use a period there, try a comma, because the sentence isn’t ending, and cliffhanger sentences aren’t usually preferable. The second thing, is that I felt like the “to” was excess. “Her heels hit the ground and she continued,” would have been just fine.

this is mainly really small stuff, but its not something you can catch with spell check, a glance in preview, or anything else. Adding this note because I know it is style as well as knowledge and you’re focusing on the words you write not (all the time) how you write them.

s, “let’s go.”

[/quote] you gots to capitalize these tings!

Final thoughts: You pretty much went above and beyond. Your strongest categories were Description (character) and story. Both of you execute these very differently, so before I even did the math to which scores added up, I had thought that comparatively each categories were extremely even.


23.5


Lastly, I don't like having my own conclusive results being within half a point, but semi finals are tight and im sure the finals will be tighter. In fact they SHOULD be. Anyway, I think it will help to see the other judge's review and whatnot, so that's that. You both did excellent. Please have no regrets about a single word. <3

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Minato's Judgement

Magus

Description & Clarity: 4 - Much like the other contestants of this round, I feel as though this section of your writing was done pretty well. I wasn’t finding myself confused or overwhelmed with the information presented. I felt as though you used the battlefield well, especially when the two of them fell into the water. The way you described Bandit’s thrashing around really made me experience what she may have been feeling.

Voice: 4 - I really like the way your writing brings out your character. I don’t have trouble figuring out who Magus is when I read your writing because I can always hear what Magus is saying. I really feel that your voice has developed and I really enjoy reading your posts because of it.

Character: 4 - I gave you a 5 last time, because I really enjoyed Magus’ character in your fight with Dante. I guess Dante is a character that just brings out more of Magus than Bandit does. That isn’t to say that I didn’t enjoy the character, I did, just not as much as your fight with dante.

Story: 4 - The story progression was great. And I felt as though both yourself and Bandit had equal share of the fight’s story progression. I also felt that it moved along at a fine pace, not too fast, and not too slow Other than that, there’s not much else to say from me.

Grammar & Spelling: 4.5 - I didn’t really notice any spelling or grammar mistakes, didn’t find myself tripping over too many sentences or phrases wither. Awesome, and solid, effort!

Total = 20.5

Bandit With No Name

Description & Clarity: 4 - This is pretty much the same as magus. I know that isn’t a very professional way to go about saying this, but I really hate repeating myself. You both did quite well at providing riveting descriptions of the battle itself, as well as the battlefield. And Things were pretty clear, no confusions, hardly any re-reading of phrases/ sentences/ paragraphs.

Voice: 4 - Again, you have a very distinct voice, and I think the character herself really helped you develop this throughout the tournament. Sinestro, as a character seems to be very logical at most times. But when you write as Bandit, I feel as though she gives you a lot of creative freedom and development opportunities when it comes to the way she is, and the way you write.

Character: 4.5 - I really enjoyed Bandit as a character in this round. I gave you the extra .5 because I loved it when you showed her innocence. She is a battle hardened warrior. She’s probably died countless times before becoming a Prime, and she has probably killed more people than a lot of characters in the Omniverse. But when she realized she was standing in the snow, her innocence took over and she couldn’t help but let it out. I loved it.

Story: 4 - Again, the same thing as what I said for Magus. You guys seemed to push the story of the fight along with equal force. I didn’t feel like either one of you had more or less sway in how things progressed. And you guys didn’t try to do things too fast or draw things out for too long.

Grammar & Spelling: 4.5 - Didn’t find many mishaps or errors. I wasn’t stumbling over most words or phrasings. A great and solid effort!

Total = 21

Averages!
22.25 each

AS you can see. You are both tied! The results are inconclusive!
So we plan to bring in a deciding judge to factor in the final vote!

Yes, the suspense is killing us too. We will keep you posted in the discussion thread. Until then~

[Storyteller]

At last the results are in for the conclusion of the semifinals!
Bandit with no name :

The character you portrayed was amazing, the way you used her personality in the fight had me hooked from the start. Another piece that really impressed me and stuck with me was this :

“There is so much more I can take from you,” he whispered, allowing her mind to imagine which nightmares he would indulge her with.

You took control of Magus and really created an amazing scene.

Description & Clarity: 3.5
Voice: 4
Character: 4.5
Story: 4.5
Grammar: 4

Total : 20.5

Magus

What an amazing writer you are ! I am honestly impressed in how well you can make a reader feel tense during your posts. The moment you aged Bandit was one of the best, it really grasped me as Magus took revenge for his sight by unleashing this terrible curse on her.

Description & Clarity: 4
Voice: 4
Character: 4
Story: 4
Grammar: 4

Total : 20

Winner : Bandit With No Name

Congrats, it's well earned! Good luck in the final match!