07-10-2017, 01:44 PM
Let’s be honest, I think it’s been a while since I’ve read anything you wrote. At least a year, I think. I remember the Pirate Man stuff in the Nexus following Heroes’ Graveyard, and I can’t say that I read any of your stuff as Frisk. All the characters seem to fit into your comfortable trope of ‘awkward, goofy miscreant’ (at least that’s the perspective of someone not intimately familiar).
Anyway, let’s get to Isabella/Izzy.
This was a fun thread for a few reasons. One, you don’t always get to see the cutesier characters traipsing around in Coruscant. Unfortunately, Isabella finds out why by the end of the thread. Two, I – for some reason – enjoy violent racing. I think it speaks to my strange love for the Fast and the Furious films and Twisted Metal.
As I mention in my notes below, the main issue I had with the narrative was the pacing. It was front-loaded, with a lot about Izzy in Coruscant, talking with people, in the garage, and there was only a solid post dedicated to the race itself. I felt hyped up, and while the race post was one of the highlights for the thread, it left me wanting more. The beatdown that Izzy experienced at the end was sudden, and while it can be justified as #Coruscant, I feel like there should have been just a little more there. Flesh it out, make it a little more dramatic. It felt like something that would linger in Izzy’s mind for a while.
So, story-wise, this is a nice little thread. You do a good job threading in some unique characters (the Heart stands out), even if I could do without you strange habit of always referencing bodily functions (#DA2k15 #PTSD).
So aside from wanting a little more to the scenes near the end, the only gripe I have is that your grammar is still something that needs work. While you have lowered the intensity with which you flipflop tenses, it’s still something you clearly grapple with. Vision has pointed out some other areas to ‘keep an eye on’ as well, because it does detract a little from the writing.
Also, I know I mention this below, but it must be some societal condition that makes me feel like there’s some tragedy to Izzy’s story. I didn’t check any other threads that might hint at something, but I feel like there’s a twist waiting to… twist.
I wouldn’t nominate this thread for any extra bonuses.
Stream of Consciousness Musings/Ramblings/Thoughts
[spoiler]
Post 1
-“When Isabelle rematerialized, she was standing in the middle of a dirty neon lit street, droves of people, in outfits that ranged from street leathers to thin cloth that barely left anything to the imagination, crossed paths with the confused dog.” => I’d make this at least two separate sentences, with the needed break coming after ‘neon lit street.’ As it stands, it’s one funky run-on.
-‘at the Hoover’ => Is this an Animal Crossing location or the actual Hoover Dam? If the latter, it seems weird and random. There were probably clearer metaphors to be crafted here.
-This is Tier 4, right? Sounds like Tier 4!
-“ He was looking straight at her for a moment, then he turned away, made his way up the rest of the stoop and went inside.” – I think you need a comma after stoop. Even if it’s not required to be grammatically correct, it still helps me, because of the slight pause it generates
-While I think you sometimes include random things (like the Hoover Dam?), you also do very amusing/quaint things like having a recall app on Isabelle’s phone. It’s stuff like that which I often associate with your writing, regardless of your character.
-This small post triggered my DA PTSD.
Post 2
-“ The door swung open before she could even rap on the door after scaling the steps.” – I personally think you’re trying to jam too much into a sentence in this instance.
-“Scooby sketch” => see my remarks on the Hoover Dam, although this one didn’t bother me too much since Isabelle is a dog.
-Who is Rovin? *checks roster* Ahh, okay.
- “I have to admit, you impress me.” He began with a smile. <= ‘impress me,’ he began … (because both the talking and the stuff after are the same action).
-Aww, cute, a foundation for lost secondaries. That seems like a very Guu thing.
-Did Isabelle come from some dystopian Animal Crossing world?!
- Not that she could 100% fully trust him. (kind of redundant)
Post 3
-That dream sequence was adorable in a way that made me imagine the second part will end terribly. Maybe I’m just grim dark (also – if she pinched herself and it was a dream, why didn’t she wake up?!?!! DREAMCEPTION)
-“She had fallen asleep on a ratty rundown couch located in what was one of the buildings owned by the Wayward foundation, at least that’s what her new companion told her, she still wasn’t sure if she could fully trust him.” – but I thought she just said she could 100% fully trust him?
Post 4
-“ It was after a stunt on twitter why she posted an embarrassing photo that she would get her inspiration.” – this sentence threw me off. Was it supposed to be “stint on twitter where she posted an…” ?
-Again, Isabelle seems to have such a warm-natured goal of finding the mayor, but something makes me feel like there’s some horrifying reality underneath the saccharine exterior.
-“She hadn’t considered that. She wasn’t the most social person in the world, having fans walk up to her, inflicting their expectations on her, she wasn’t sure if she could handle that. And that’s not considering the real perverts. She already got really dirty tweets just a few minutes ago, the concept of encountering that in real life; shivers to the bone.” --- Some grammatical flubs in here, but it’s nice to see her trying to rationalize her plans
-As an aside, though, this kind of feels like Guu’s early stories, where she was a celebrity on Twitter and starting shit with people like Gilgamesh. I don’t know how I feel about this.
-Ambrosia reference, lol
-KART RACING, as an aficionado of OV kart racing, I smiled
Post 5
-“ Isabelle stepped her way into the office, her knees shaky, her posture curved forward, she can’t imagine it had been a good first impression.” – you have a habit of starting posts with run-on sentences trying to cram a lot of small stuff. Relax and write it out. Your audience doesn’t mind.
-Your description of the man at the desk was well-done.
-Eww, an anthropomorphic strip club XD ! Nasty ass Coruscant
-Oooh, intrigue
Post 6
-You should capitalize Flock of Seagulls. It’s a proper noun.
-“ She could see birds nesting in the rafters, dirt collecting on the walls.” – ‘rafters and dirt’ – a comma just makes it a run-on sentence.
-lol, garage 42, I get it
-“followed in suit” => “, and Rovin followed suit.” – followed in suit just sounds weird
-“She became worried that maybe the brake lines.” – maybe the break lines what?
-I like Isabelle’s attitude: ‘fuck it, I’mma be a mechanic now, you jag offs’
Post 7
-…you like toilet moments, don’t you? Seems like a theme with your characters, lol
-…pee sound. Yea, that’s uncomfortable, all right.
-rofl, she’s gas. Very unique. I dig it
Post 8
-Nineteen degrees?
Post 9
-Racetime!
-Smart of Isabelle to know that there’d be some goofiness at the start of the race.
Post 10
-I think I would have liked a bit more dedicated to the race. I liked that you gave some insight into Isabelle’s strategy, but it felt a bit sad that it was over in one post.
-I wasn’t expecting her to give up. She must be close friends with Heart Candy by now!
Post 11
-Why did they ban her? For winning? That bit confused me.
-Wow, that exchange came a little bit out of the blue to me. I wanted more. It seemed a bit intense that they would just jump her, but you DID allude to that earlier in the post with her apprehensions. Plus, this is Tier 4, after all.
-Of course she survived a bullet, she’s a prime and he was a fat, loser secondary. Primes rool.
[/spoiler]
Anyway, let’s get to Isabella/Izzy.
This was a fun thread for a few reasons. One, you don’t always get to see the cutesier characters traipsing around in Coruscant. Unfortunately, Isabella finds out why by the end of the thread. Two, I – for some reason – enjoy violent racing. I think it speaks to my strange love for the Fast and the Furious films and Twisted Metal.
As I mention in my notes below, the main issue I had with the narrative was the pacing. It was front-loaded, with a lot about Izzy in Coruscant, talking with people, in the garage, and there was only a solid post dedicated to the race itself. I felt hyped up, and while the race post was one of the highlights for the thread, it left me wanting more. The beatdown that Izzy experienced at the end was sudden, and while it can be justified as #Coruscant, I feel like there should have been just a little more there. Flesh it out, make it a little more dramatic. It felt like something that would linger in Izzy’s mind for a while.
So, story-wise, this is a nice little thread. You do a good job threading in some unique characters (the Heart stands out), even if I could do without you strange habit of always referencing bodily functions (#DA2k15 #PTSD).
So aside from wanting a little more to the scenes near the end, the only gripe I have is that your grammar is still something that needs work. While you have lowered the intensity with which you flipflop tenses, it’s still something you clearly grapple with. Vision has pointed out some other areas to ‘keep an eye on’ as well, because it does detract a little from the writing.
Also, I know I mention this below, but it must be some societal condition that makes me feel like there’s some tragedy to Izzy’s story. I didn’t check any other threads that might hint at something, but I feel like there’s a twist waiting to… twist.
I wouldn’t nominate this thread for any extra bonuses.
Stream of Consciousness Musings/Ramblings/Thoughts
[spoiler]
Post 1
-“When Isabelle rematerialized, she was standing in the middle of a dirty neon lit street, droves of people, in outfits that ranged from street leathers to thin cloth that barely left anything to the imagination, crossed paths with the confused dog.” => I’d make this at least two separate sentences, with the needed break coming after ‘neon lit street.’ As it stands, it’s one funky run-on.
-‘at the Hoover’ => Is this an Animal Crossing location or the actual Hoover Dam? If the latter, it seems weird and random. There were probably clearer metaphors to be crafted here.
-This is Tier 4, right? Sounds like Tier 4!
-“ He was looking straight at her for a moment, then he turned away, made his way up the rest of the stoop and went inside.” – I think you need a comma after stoop. Even if it’s not required to be grammatically correct, it still helps me, because of the slight pause it generates
-While I think you sometimes include random things (like the Hoover Dam?), you also do very amusing/quaint things like having a recall app on Isabelle’s phone. It’s stuff like that which I often associate with your writing, regardless of your character.
-This small post triggered my DA PTSD.
Post 2
-“ The door swung open before she could even rap on the door after scaling the steps.” – I personally think you’re trying to jam too much into a sentence in this instance.
-“Scooby sketch” => see my remarks on the Hoover Dam, although this one didn’t bother me too much since Isabelle is a dog.
-Who is Rovin? *checks roster* Ahh, okay.
- “I have to admit, you impress me.” He began with a smile. <= ‘impress me,’ he began … (because both the talking and the stuff after are the same action).
-Aww, cute, a foundation for lost secondaries. That seems like a very Guu thing.
-Did Isabelle come from some dystopian Animal Crossing world?!
- Not that she could 100% fully trust him. (kind of redundant)
Post 3
-That dream sequence was adorable in a way that made me imagine the second part will end terribly. Maybe I’m just grim dark (also – if she pinched herself and it was a dream, why didn’t she wake up?!?!! DREAMCEPTION)
-“She had fallen asleep on a ratty rundown couch located in what was one of the buildings owned by the Wayward foundation, at least that’s what her new companion told her, she still wasn’t sure if she could fully trust him.” – but I thought she just said she could 100% fully trust him?
Post 4
-“ It was after a stunt on twitter why she posted an embarrassing photo that she would get her inspiration.” – this sentence threw me off. Was it supposed to be “stint on twitter where she posted an…” ?
-Again, Isabelle seems to have such a warm-natured goal of finding the mayor, but something makes me feel like there’s some horrifying reality underneath the saccharine exterior.
-“She hadn’t considered that. She wasn’t the most social person in the world, having fans walk up to her, inflicting their expectations on her, she wasn’t sure if she could handle that. And that’s not considering the real perverts. She already got really dirty tweets just a few minutes ago, the concept of encountering that in real life; shivers to the bone.” --- Some grammatical flubs in here, but it’s nice to see her trying to rationalize her plans
-As an aside, though, this kind of feels like Guu’s early stories, where she was a celebrity on Twitter and starting shit with people like Gilgamesh. I don’t know how I feel about this.
-Ambrosia reference, lol
-KART RACING, as an aficionado of OV kart racing, I smiled
Post 5
-“ Isabelle stepped her way into the office, her knees shaky, her posture curved forward, she can’t imagine it had been a good first impression.” – you have a habit of starting posts with run-on sentences trying to cram a lot of small stuff. Relax and write it out. Your audience doesn’t mind.
-Your description of the man at the desk was well-done.
-Eww, an anthropomorphic strip club XD ! Nasty ass Coruscant
-Oooh, intrigue
Post 6
-You should capitalize Flock of Seagulls. It’s a proper noun.
-“ She could see birds nesting in the rafters, dirt collecting on the walls.” – ‘rafters and dirt’ – a comma just makes it a run-on sentence.
-lol, garage 42, I get it
-“followed in suit” => “, and Rovin followed suit.” – followed in suit just sounds weird
-“She became worried that maybe the brake lines.” – maybe the break lines what?
-I like Isabelle’s attitude: ‘fuck it, I’mma be a mechanic now, you jag offs’
Post 7
-…you like toilet moments, don’t you? Seems like a theme with your characters, lol
-…pee sound. Yea, that’s uncomfortable, all right.
-rofl, she’s gas. Very unique. I dig it
Post 8
-Nineteen degrees?
Post 9
-Racetime!
-Smart of Isabelle to know that there’d be some goofiness at the start of the race.
Post 10
-I think I would have liked a bit more dedicated to the race. I liked that you gave some insight into Isabelle’s strategy, but it felt a bit sad that it was over in one post.
-I wasn’t expecting her to give up. She must be close friends with Heart Candy by now!
Post 11
-Why did they ban her? For winning? That bit confused me.
-Wow, that exchange came a little bit out of the blue to me. I wanted more. It seemed a bit intense that they would just jump her, but you DID allude to that earlier in the post with her apprehensions. Plus, this is Tier 4, after all.
-Of course she survived a bullet, she’s a prime and he was a fat, loser secondary. Primes rool.
[/spoiler]