-------- Please give this bonus to freeza. My bad-----------------------
Book Club: Obviously my review will be small in comparison to JEFF’S but I tried to bring forth what came to mind as I was reading. Was kind of difficult for this one to write stuff. Hope you enjoy and that it helps.
Yu Kanda: [spoiler]Your starting post was very nicely built, but in it you tend to have trouble discerning when to use adverbs, you're Dutch and stuff but it could have to do with you being bilingual- a great and amazing skill and talent! Anyway if you ever have trouble I'm usually around, or, I have a RIB thread that simply just proof reads these sorts of things. ^^ (hopefully I don't come off as completely pompous but my intention is meant to be 100000000000% helpful.)
Also while I am aware this was a continuation to a story, I would like to suggest a "buffer/ synopsis" paragraph of what we as a viewer missed. I've been suggesting this lately for multiple reasons, but the top two are: it helps the reader remember and confirm what they read, and two, jog their memory and remind them if they missed anything. Jk Rowling does this at every beginning boon of HP save the first. Posts and storylines are a lot like books in that regard, the reader never skips it (though they may skim it) because she summarizes what was already written in a new or exciting way.
For this small quote of dialogue because the reader had to read the quoted first then the "between his heavy reading" I felt a little obligated to reread it.
Instead just swap that type of thing if it defines the "" as different than usual. OR break it up in dashes or ellipses.
Dante's character and narration is very strong and slightly overpowering to Kanda's subtle ninja feel and tone at least in the beginning. In order to strengthen this a little, I'll suggest kind of what I suggested for Dante, share a little more of the character's thoughts with us readers or show special little "glimpses" of kanda's actions. This could be anything from,
"As he was walking his sheathed blades chafed as it felt his mind did when he thought about facing what lay ahead."
Idk why but things like that -the small details- can make a big difference lassoing the audience to the character and plot, helping the reader relate. Just a small suggestion.
Some very good dialogue followed.
Needs more Klaud dialogue. Because I like her, also she did feel like a more supporting character in Kanda's story this time, maybe accentuate her a little more. Her plot/importance did kind of reveal and make for good stuff at the end. I liked Dante's sass about the secondaries not ever becoming primes too, xD it appealed to me personally and likely would hit the reader with a cool tidbit too.
I felt like my only issue was some sentence mechanics and grammar, as well as fallen and lost quotation marks. The ending was very nicely delivered but it also left me wanting more. A pleasant thirst for more, and not sure if that is good or bad, but it is what rang in my mind. Nice work Ken. *smile*
[/spoiler]
_________________________________________
Dante: [spoiler]So far excellent detail, sentence structure and coherency in action and dialogue.
I'm about a post or two in, and since I fought with you one on one, it occurred to me that Dante was there, his characteristics however were more subtle. You did mention he was in a constant state of growth/ evolving which makes him not always the same, and it is not all the time can people can be their iconic characters. BUT kanda is stealing the show! You can't let him do that!
The story flows really well but I was just curious about Dante's inner introspection on the course of events and how they've unfolded- people and characters don't always say what they mean. Though Dante seems very genuine when rallying against the enemy.
I said something similar to kanda above, saying it just sounds better in my personal head if the dialogue is following this statement. Could just be me ^^
Oh! Introspection! =D good spot for it as it showed his reasoning behind the decision / course of action/ choice of statement.
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...9#pid55949
Post #5 had a great plot, twist, incline and suspense. Very nicely done.
The encounter with Vergil was a little short given it's his twin brother but I did like how "sweet" it was. You didn't let it drag on and that left an impression on the reader, kind of like a building block or a stair, because it was sweet I expect it to be climbed later into another future encounter (maybe far down the line, maybe not.)
It is the parts like this that make me really savor Dante’s writing. He’s subtle, allows a slow lead into the plot and doesn’t drench you in overpowering character lines.
Excellent action scenes + great descriptions.
When Dante ran I wasn’t quite sure it was in his character to, but then I kind of realized the reason he ran and thought Zoro’s sacrifice was cool.
[/spoiler]
General: You both were really good keeping in mind about how a larger thread is harder to juggle with pronouns and exchanges like that. You used names and that helped keep coherency for me personally. During battle this is also super important because if Cell is battling Clint Eastwood and (new sentence, paragraph) "he threw a punch" depending on variables, you'll likely be wondering who.
Overall- a very fluent, wonderful read. I wasn't expecting such distinctly long posts from the characters but I think the story carried it through rather than needing to bounce back and forth.
I don't feel like I have too much to comment on in the “overall” department. I didn’t feel like I had too much critique to add to this story, because it was so nice so I kinda just had to say what occurred to me. Hope that’s okay. Loved the storytelling. Loved the writing. Loved the thread. SUPER impressed.
Jeff made a good point about the terminology, but this is the 3rd part in the story so if you’re a reader and you read the first two parts and still don’t know what an Akuma is it likely isn’t the writer’s fault but the reader’s for being less attentive. HOWEVER peeps like me and jeff read Part 3 first because of the review. Food for thought, Ionno, <3
Exemplary bonus.
Daniel/bookclubmaster:
[spoiler] Am I able to submit Trixie’s underverse thread to this? He has already received an exceptional writing bonus but was interested in receiving some critique/feedback.[/spoiler]
Book Club: Obviously my review will be small in comparison to JEFF’S but I tried to bring forth what came to mind as I was reading. Was kind of difficult for this one to write stuff. Hope you enjoy and that it helps.
Yu Kanda: [spoiler]Your starting post was very nicely built, but in it you tend to have trouble discerning when to use adverbs, you're Dutch and stuff but it could have to do with you being bilingual- a great and amazing skill and talent! Anyway if you ever have trouble I'm usually around, or, I have a RIB thread that simply just proof reads these sorts of things. ^^ (hopefully I don't come off as completely pompous but my intention is meant to be 100000000000% helpful.)
Also while I am aware this was a continuation to a story, I would like to suggest a "buffer/ synopsis" paragraph of what we as a viewer missed. I've been suggesting this lately for multiple reasons, but the top two are: it helps the reader remember and confirm what they read, and two, jog their memory and remind them if they missed anything. Jk Rowling does this at every beginning boon of HP save the first. Posts and storylines are a lot like books in that regard, the reader never skips it (though they may skim it) because she summarizes what was already written in a new or exciting way.
Quote:The Noah, they are here. And they brought friends, many of them." Kanda replied in between his heavy breathing.
For this small quote of dialogue because the reader had to read the quoted first then the "between his heavy reading" I felt a little obligated to reread it.
Instead just swap that type of thing if it defines the "" as different than usual. OR break it up in dashes or ellipses.
Dante's character and narration is very strong and slightly overpowering to Kanda's subtle ninja feel and tone at least in the beginning. In order to strengthen this a little, I'll suggest kind of what I suggested for Dante, share a little more of the character's thoughts with us readers or show special little "glimpses" of kanda's actions. This could be anything from,
"As he was walking his sheathed blades chafed as it felt his mind did when he thought about facing what lay ahead."
Idk why but things like that -the small details- can make a big difference lassoing the audience to the character and plot, helping the reader relate. Just a small suggestion.
Quote:"That's bullshit, secondaries cannot simply become primes. They walk around, die and stay dead. Well maybe they get resummoned, if they are lucky." Dante rudely interrupted.HA.
Some very good dialogue followed.
Quote:"Tyki may be powerful, but even he cannot escape the laws of this world. He is bound to the world of omnilium just as much as we are. By now we must have taken out a big part of his army, don't you agree ?" Klaud's rational logic reached Dante, Tyki was just another prime. Yet there was still one thing that was on Dante's mind, "Alright, so you may have a point that he has to obey the same laws of physics as we primes do, but, what was that thing that scared you back there? What was it you were running from?"
Needs more Klaud dialogue. Because I like her, also she did feel like a more supporting character in Kanda's story this time, maybe accentuate her a little more. Her plot/importance did kind of reveal and make for good stuff at the end. I liked Dante's sass about the secondaries not ever becoming primes too, xD it appealed to me personally and likely would hit the reader with a cool tidbit too.
Quote:Be strong Kanda."FEELS.
The words reached his ears but not his heart, his mouth opened to the sky in order to scream but not a single sound came out. His eyes were showing his true emotion, despair.
Quote:We are coming for them.Epic ending and narration.
I felt like my only issue was some sentence mechanics and grammar, as well as fallen and lost quotation marks. The ending was very nicely delivered but it also left me wanting more. A pleasant thirst for more, and not sure if that is good or bad, but it is what rang in my mind. Nice work Ken. *smile*
[/spoiler]
_________________________________________
Dante: [spoiler]So far excellent detail, sentence structure and coherency in action and dialogue.
I'm about a post or two in, and since I fought with you one on one, it occurred to me that Dante was there, his characteristics however were more subtle. You did mention he was in a constant state of growth/ evolving which makes him not always the same, and it is not all the time can people can be their iconic characters. BUT kanda is stealing the show! You can't let him do that!
The story flows really well but I was just curious about Dante's inner introspection on the course of events and how they've unfolded- people and characters don't always say what they mean. Though Dante seems very genuine when rallying against the enemy.
Quote:"What's the big deal?" The pirate hunter half-asked and half-demanded to Dante, not relenting his vigil to even look at him.
I said something similar to kanda above, saying it just sounds better in my personal head if the dialogue is following this statement. Could just be me ^^
Oh! Introspection! =D good spot for it as it showed his reasoning behind the decision / course of action/ choice of statement.
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...9#pid55949
Post #5 had a great plot, twist, incline and suspense. Very nicely done.
The encounter with Vergil was a little short given it's his twin brother but I did like how "sweet" it was. You didn't let it drag on and that left an impression on the reader, kind of like a building block or a stair, because it was sweet I expect it to be climbed later into another future encounter (maybe far down the line, maybe not.)
Quote:The Son of Sparda gave a sidelong glance at Zoro, maintaining eye contact for a couple of seconds. The swordsman was a difficult person to scrutinize, considering his neutral expressions and almost conflicting dispositions at times. He seemed straightforward and determined, yet disinterested and narrow-minded. But, perhaps most importantly, he at least knew when to absolutely stand up for something.
It is the parts like this that make me really savor Dante’s writing. He’s subtle, allows a slow lead into the plot and doesn’t drench you in overpowering character lines.
Excellent action scenes + great descriptions.
When Dante ran I wasn’t quite sure it was in his character to, but then I kind of realized the reason he ran and thought Zoro’s sacrifice was cool.
Quote:Dante seemed to scoff at these results, stowing his shotgun back under his coat. "A pest would try harder than that, though," he spoke with what sounded like restrained disgust at the paralyzed dark-spawn.I approve of this sass.
[/spoiler]
General: You both were really good keeping in mind about how a larger thread is harder to juggle with pronouns and exchanges like that. You used names and that helped keep coherency for me personally. During battle this is also super important because if Cell is battling Clint Eastwood and (new sentence, paragraph) "he threw a punch" depending on variables, you'll likely be wondering who.
Overall- a very fluent, wonderful read. I wasn't expecting such distinctly long posts from the characters but I think the story carried it through rather than needing to bounce back and forth.
I don't feel like I have too much to comment on in the “overall” department. I didn’t feel like I had too much critique to add to this story, because it was so nice so I kinda just had to say what occurred to me. Hope that’s okay. Loved the storytelling. Loved the writing. Loved the thread. SUPER impressed.
Jeff made a good point about the terminology, but this is the 3rd part in the story so if you’re a reader and you read the first two parts and still don’t know what an Akuma is it likely isn’t the writer’s fault but the reader’s for being less attentive. HOWEVER peeps like me and jeff read Part 3 first because of the review. Food for thought, Ionno, <3
Exemplary bonus.
Daniel/bookclubmaster:
[spoiler] Am I able to submit Trixie’s underverse thread to this? He has already received an exceptional writing bonus but was interested in receiving some critique/feedback.[/spoiler]
![[Image: -Gildarts-fairy-tail-35651033-300-180.gif]](http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/35600000/-Gildarts-fairy-tail-35651033-300-180.gif)
"I have never met a strong person with an easy past." -Atticus