NEO HYPER Book Club #3 (11th June - 9th July)

[Handsome Jack]

Disclaimer: I'm... kinda bad at positivve review. I apologize in advance. If I see a problem early, and address it then, I won't address any recurrences of that particular issue along the way. That should help keep the negativity to a minimum. I'm not trying to be a jack-ass and I'll always offer a solution to any issue I find, but my mind is better suited to finding flaws than to finding perfection. Even in my own writing. If I don't mention something specifically in my review, it's probably because it was well-done and I had no suggestions on how to improve it. I'm going to start with a long of my impressions as I read through the thread. It's gonna seem super negative and I apologize for that. Sorry. After the log, I'll critique each writer individually and offer suggestions for improvements and notes on what I think your strengths and weaknesses are. Again, I'll probably end up pointing out weaknesses more than strengths and again I apologize. If you feel like you can't take criticism well, please just stop reading here and ignore me.

Overall story: No idea what Akuma are (link is broken), but I assume they demon things. I had to make and assumption that Kanda had entered to Moors to escape a fight, but then he immediately wants to go back? Again, broken link. What kind of vehicle was Dante leaning on? What's the guy look like, aside from his grey-hair? If this was the thread I started reading fromt he beginning, I'd have issues knowing what was happening. Gun Face!!! Oh look. At the end of the paragraph, I discover Dante was on a bike. Would have been better at the beginning, when the vehicle was first described. Thus far, I'm getting the impression that if I'm not familiar with the characters, I'm not going to understand a whole lot of what's going to happen. Did Kanda just not notice either the exploding body behind him nor Dante's voice? He kept walking out of town like he didn't. Creepy forest is creepy. Some guy that Kanda knows from before showed up. No idea who he was before, but now he a grey skinned monster of some kind? No idea exactly what it looks like, but things are getting interesting. Thanks for describing what the Double Illusion Sword does for ya. Two swords are better than one. Getting serious. Kanda is in a pickle. How's he gonna make it out? Not sure what the difference between the levels of akuma are, but seems large when he whupped a level 1 and a level 3 threw him around like a rag-doll.

Dante under attack by Gun-Face. He gives no fucks. Gun-Face is a bitch. Motorcycles use a hand-grip for acceleration and foot pedals for gear shifts. Doesn't detract from the gloriousness of throwing your bike at someone though. I thought it was Gun-Face. Is it instead Gun-Torso-Face? Ol' shotty to the face, Ash Williams would be proud. Especially with the cocky one-liner. What opening was under its face? And when did it start glowing? Am I missing something here? Kinda wish the Gun Face had been more of a threat, considering how well it was described. Why'd you blow up your motorcycle? Seemed unnecessary considering your arsenal. Points for cool-factor though. Dear god, that chick is bitching like Trump complaining about the news. Kinda wish you'd just slapped some sense into her. Also wish I knew what she and Zoro looked like. Still, the chick should just be happy it ain't around killing peeps. Dante got some deep pockets to be putting a shotgun in there. Is it sawed-off? Also, that chick just got played by Omniphysics. Love it. Wait... a monkey? Where'd THAT come from? Is it a literally monkey, or like... a metaphor for something? Circumfrence of the houses? Like, they're round houses, or are you refering to the size of the town itself? Where in the Moors is Kanda Sandiego? Dumb bitch being dumb when she SHOULD know better. Isn't she the expert on these things? Super awesome description on the horse scene, guys. Like, I can't emphasize enough how good that short paragraph was. YAY! Gun Face is back, and with friends! What are blood-bullets though? Bullets made of blood, I assume, but I can't be certain.

Oh. They're bullets covered with blood. Ok then. It's a good thing I know what Haki is, otherwise I'd be lost as balls. I could still assume it has something to do with dodging, from the context, however. I like that Zoro sees a group of enemies firing down on him and decides "Let me get closer to them". Classic Zoro. Nice use of Dragon Twister. A few Akuma down? There was only three, right? Why would anyone need to "take care of the rest?" When'd the horse come back? Why did Zoro leave his pals behind? What are these "attacks" the horse is using? I'm glad you didn't simply ignore Dante and Klaud after Zoro disappeared, I just wonder if you had collaborated with their players before writing them. Because, I'm pretty sure Dante doesn't have a drawl. Could be wrong though. Ok, back to Zoro. Dopple-Zoro is a nice touch, but I feel like it would have worked better as a "end-boss" than in the beginning of the thread. You left off on a cliffhanger. Now I have no idea if Zoro won or lost the swordfight. At least until I read further in the thread.

Back to Kanda action. What's our Exorcist been up to while his pals are getting ambushed in a city? Wait... Tyki is back? Didn't he disappear to let his lackeys whup Kanda's ass? Guess he got bored. Guy's super stereotypical badguy. Not a bad thing. "Tsh, try me"?! Kanda is Edgelord: confirmed. And bullet proof. Fuck your guns, I got two swords! More level 3s? Jeez. Kanda was having enough trouble with just one. Wait... is Lau Jimin the horse or the monkey? Cuz... now it's on her shoulder... That would make the attack in Zoro's post make a lot more sense, but... Oh well. Let's continue on. Klaud and Dante finishing up the rabble like nothing at all. No clue where Zoro got to still. Oh wait! There he is! Looks like he won his fight in typical "the cool part happens off-screen" fashion. Tricky bastards. Where'd Kanda go? Was he captured? I NEED TO KNOW!!! And OH NO! Ambush! Kanda with the save! Huzzah! I guess another "the cool stuff happened off-screen" happened. Hey look! Someone who is more than just a little tired. Finally! I was beginning to think these Akuma were push-overs. Oof. Religion reference. Seems a little forced, but s'all good. Level 4? Jeez. Shit just ain't looking up for our ragtag band of Akuma slayers. I guess the guns lit the forest on fire. Maybe not. Who knows?

Jesus this thread is long. Between Dante and Kanda, yall would be about at the Void with just this thread. Just a side-note, since I FINALLY made it to Post 5 of 10 in this thing.

Dante is not pleased. Nor is Zoro. The latter because he don't know what the fuck is going on. What?! Dante ain't gonna blindly charge into a losing fight? Awesome. Zoro thinks he coulda handled it. Dante kinda feels the same way. Cocky birds of a feather flock together. Zoro wishes he was drunk. Classic Zoro. Awwww shit, they done been found't. Nice description on the threat coming towards them, but was the sword actually sheathed in its left hand? And how did you know it was a "he" when it was shrouded in darkness? Shit. Zoro done been punked. Vergil? I guess I shoulda known it'd be someone Dante knew already. Didn't catch that in the writing leading up to this though. Are Devil Arms signiture weapons of some sort? Heh. A wicked backflip. That's what I like to see. When a character's mannerisms are reflected in the player's writing. Zoro continues to get punked by Virgil's sheer presense this time. Looks like it's a bro-off. Welp. That was quick. Dante < Virgil. Zoro rushing into the fight, but is equally ineffectual. Compared to those Akuma, I'm liking this change to an actual threat to the team. Wounded warrior buddies limp away from their ass-whupping.

Belated introductions are better than no introductions, I suppose. And a little backstory never hurts too. Surprise attack by vaguely monstrous Level 3! And it brought pals! Every post in this thread has been action heavy. Love it. Lots of battling in this thread, with both Zoro and Dante shining in their own unique ways. I'm not going to go into huge detail over it, but nothing I like more than a fight scene. Shit was going downhill, then the turning point of random voice in Dante's head. AND LOOK WHO'S BACK! Ol' Jerk Face McGee. Kinda hypocritical to talk about monologues when you're the king of the one-liner, but ok Dante. Zoro with the sacrifice play. Dante meets back up with Kanda and Klaud. So, the gang is almost back together again! Assuming Zoro lives.

Kanda straight up assuming Zoro dead. Damn, dog. I know you don't like the guy, but at least hold out some hope. Also, why you make a fire when you know it's gonna draw baddies to you? Seems kinda dumb. I mean... it's KINDA your fault, Kanda. Running off solo and leaving peeps behind... Well, you know. I like the reference to the Secondary Saga. You didn't leave me guessing why she was a Prime now. Good job. Gonna make you some Black Order, huh? Still not sure what Innocence is, per se, but the birth of a faction is always a cool moment. Ok. A little explanation on what the Akuma are and what a Level 4 is. Thanks again. So, the plan is to continue fighting the things that be stronk and hope to not die before they run out of troops/you summon some buddies for help? Solid plan, bruh. And you left the lady on watch while you took your nap. In the middle of murder forest. With a conspicuous fire. Are you sure you're good at fighting demons? Cuz I think maybe you ain't. Found a decent enough place for your base, despite Dante's complaints. But hell, ain't his home, right? Why Dante being so negative to ya? You barely got started trying. And then it was there. I figured it was gonna take some... OH! It's all in your head. Gotcha. Ok. A lot of filler round this part. A little bullshitting from Dante. A little memory lane for Kanda. Aaaaaaaaand, back to the action. I was beginning to worry that you'd summon your pals within any interruption. Beast Mode: Activated!

Is this still dream house or real house? Only time will tell. Lots of good backstory here. Looks like Kanda is back from his dream. And even old guy voice assumes Zoro is dead. Feel bad for the guy. Who is "He"? I assume God. Continuing on. Innocence Cubes (sorry, not commenting on the filling information, but I will say your description of Hevlaska was excellent)? Who is General Cross? Welp, Kanda getting ate up by some energy. Very Captain America here. A lot of cool stuff in this post, and the first post in this thread that didn't have any fighting in it. It was a nice break, but let's get back to busting heads.

Dante. You've been messing around pretty much up until the Level 4 Akuma encounter. Come on, buddy. Beginning of the second paragraph seemed a bit redundant, but nothing too bad. Dante going for the boss? Ok then. Let's see if it goes better for him than it had for Zoro, whom everyone still assumes is dead. And then Dante spends some time killing Akuma above level 1, but not fighting the guy. Guess he got sidetracked. And peeps keep getting in the way of the main event. Well, until Kanda comes back out in Super Exorcist form. Even Klaud is giving Dante shit about not making it to the Noah yet. Ha! Very back and forth in this fight. From seeming to have the upperhand, to lamenting that the Noah and Level 4 will probably kill them all. And the Noah is a snarky sonuvabitch. Love him. I know pain sucks, Dante, but it's also your body's way of telling ya when you done did something dumb. Dante got proper fucked. You don't mess with a Level 4, pal. Tried to make a counterattack, but down again. Looks like this time, for the count.

With as long as this thread is, I'm fucking estatic to be at the last post. It's been HOURS on this.

Starting with Dante being poofed and Klaud's monkey pal getting ITS ass handed to it. I hope Kanda is bringing some serous fire power, cuz these guys just double-teamed a couple of Primes like they were pussies. Them butterflies now shit is bout to turn south on them. Too bad the Noah is a cocky bastard. Klaud with some back-up, but this is definitely the Kanda show. Well, until Tyki realizes there's back-up and pussies out. Don't wanna lose his Level 4, eh? Don't blame him. And just like that, the fight is over. A little anti-climactic that you went down 2 and a half Primes and really barely scratched his army. I hope this is leading into something bigger. I need some resolution to this mess. Rest of the post is basically just, "Yay! Black Order! Let's build us an army!" If you don't get out there and take care of Tyki the Dicky, I'm gonna be unpleased.


Kanda: As a writer whom English is not your primary language, you have a very good grasp of it. You're able to visualize what you want and put it to paper in a way that forms a mental image in my mind. Even from the start, you had me hooked on what was going on. Kanda running from a fight, getting sucked into demon stuff, girl trying to kill ya.

That said, some of your word usage, while correct, seems weird... I feel like you could have found better synonyms for some things. The very first sentence in your first post describes what I'm refering to aptly: "The portal on the moor's end showed a rumple in its liquid-like centre, two passing by townspeople glanced at it right before the exorcist Yu Kanda came flying out with high speed." I would have written it as thus: "A couple of passing citizens glanced nervously at the shimmering portal as it bulged outward before ejecting the Exorcist Yu Kanda, forcing the two passer-by to hit the dirt to avoid being run into."

Like I said, your sentence is correct, it's just clunky and unwieldy. This sort of thing continues through the rest of your writing, along with some grammar issues. When to and when not to hyphenate also seems to be a trouble spot for ya. None of this really detracts from the story, but they act as speed-bumps as I tried to comprehend what you meant. You want to write in a manner that flows naturally so that your readers never need to stop and reread a sentence to figure out your meaning. I think you'd do well to have a good friend proofread your work before you post it, at least short term. As they do so, you'll start to see what they would have changed before sending it to them and you eventually won't need the help.

This is just a personal pet-peeve, but I usually prefer to see dialogue seperated into its own section apart from the descriptive text. A sentence here and there being part of the paragraph is fine, and sometimes dramatic. But keeping it all together makes it difficult to tell what's dialogue and what is description.

I appreciate that you directed me to the previous thread at the top of your first post. Unfortunately, the link was broken. In the future, I'd suggest including a quick "re-cap" paragraph somewhere in your post, if your current thread has a lot to do with the previous one. Imagine it's like a book series. You'll want new readers who didn't get the previous books to not be confused during the course of your book as to what's going on. It could be as simple as "After many arduous days doing (insert simple summary here) Yu Kanda finally arrived in Darkshire" or as complex as your desire. Obviously don't rewrite everything you already did, but adding in a quick blurb, even if only when it become relevant, will go a long way to keeping your readers informed.

All in all, you show plenty of talent in the course of this thread, and I can see that you had a plan from beginning to end. You had a few hiccups along the way, a lot of which I can attribute to English being your second language, but nothing that can't be overcome with a little proofreading. Well done, pal. Having talked to you, it seems a lot of this is already things you're working to improve on.

Dante: You have a strong vocabulary and it shows in your writing. Action scenes play well into your strengths and they're all a pleasure to read. I was hooked into your first fight.

"The Akuma obviously knew no better in order to not possibly suspect something up with the target before it;" This sentence is incredibly unwieldy (lots of negatives), which is something I see a bit more as I continue reading. It's ok to simplify your writing; the fewer words you need to describe something, the better you keep your reader invested. I would have written as follows: "It was obvious the Akuma was underestimating the demon hunter;". Shorter and more to the point, while losing none of the meaning.

A few minor spelling and grammar issues, probably missed when you spell-checked. Doesn't detract from the writing, but like I told Kanda, these things can be speed-bumps which break the immersion a reader has.

Like I told Kanda, some of your word-choices could have been altered to improve comprehension. Like him, you might do well to get a second set of eyes on your work before you post it, at least for a short time. Your writing (at this point, it may have improved) is already pretty damn good, so I don't think you'd need a proofreader for long before you picked up the necessary skills to do so yourself.

Do you write in Limited or Omniscient Third Person? I've seen inklings of the former through your writing, but for the most part it seemed like you were going for the latter. Not something that really pulls my out of the story, just something I noticed and thought you might not be aware of.

Zoro: I don't think you're around to really enjoy this critique, but I'm gonna include you anyway. Like Dante, you have an excellent vocabulary and can describe action well.

"Given the lack of the Pirate Hunter’s somewhat recently awakened and ,even more recently, lost Kenbunshoku Haki, Zoro’s reaction lagged a little behind the other two, his former dependence on the mystical ability coming to light in a rather clumsy fashion; something Marimo would later put down to his abilities being dragged out of him." Maybe shorten this bad-boy down, or break it into multiple sentences. That was an eye-full to read.

You'll benefit greatly from spell-check, grammar-check, and proofreading. I saw a lot of simple mistakes that would have been caught by a word-processor's program and even more readily discovered by a friend looking over your work. You don't need to be a lone swordsman in life as well as on the page. It's ok to rely on others to shore up your weaknesses. I'd suggest using a proofreader for a few months, until you are better able to catch these errors on your own.

Everyone: I'd say you guys all have a good grasp on your characters, but I doubt you'd be writing as them if you didn't. You worked well together to weave a compelling story, even if I didn't have all the information beforehand. That's the main advice I would give you guys: never assume a reader has the information you have. If it ain't spelled out in your writing, count on the reader having no idea about it. Just a sentence or two summarizing or describing something anew can go a long way to keeping a reader invested in your writing. I rarely ran into parts where I was like, "Wait... what?" due to flow issues. Lau Jimin gave me some trouble, but I eventually worked out what was going on there.