The Blog of Guu

[Guu]

Posted while Guu was traversing the woods, looking for a little girl.

Mood: Mildly entertained
Listening to: “Too Many Cooks” theme Song


Humans are funny. Although I guess technically it’s been a while since I interacted with an actual human; unless if tomato merchants count.
I’ve been a long time observer of humans. In fact, I think I have more experience with them than most humans would have. I know you better than you know yourselves. So listen up while I teach you a thing or two.

1. You sure are all different.
I’ve read so many of your minds in the past that it’s just common sense to me that you think differently from one another. However, many of you seem to have a hard time comprehending this fact. I recommend finding all the people with ESP and making sure they have as many children as possible. I’d make psychics myself, but I’m not as powerful as I was before, so you have to do your own thing on this one.

2. You are all the same.
You all seem to have a hard time with this one too. I’ve seen many humans from the inside out and I know that physical traits don’t seem to matter much in the long run when you all have ticking time bombs called Appendixes just waiting to kill you randomly one day. Seriously, they serve little-to-no purpose other than killing you.
I recommend that everyone have mandatory med school training. You all learn this lesson and we have more doctors in your world. Win-win!

3. Eating is disgusting.
Have you ever paid attention to the way you eat food? Sure it may taste good to you, but basically you are grinding things you work so hard to produce into a paste and then sending it through you to be transformed into poop. No solution this time, you are stuck living your lives this way; should have thought of that before you evolved teeth. Maybe the next time your species gets together to decide what to evolve next, make it so you unhinge your jaw and swallow things whole. Something to consider in the next million years or so.

4. You have so much useless stuff.
Why do you have a third eyelid if you never use it? Why do some of you have the ability to move your ears when you’ve spent so much time evolving a sense of timing so you don’t need to do that anymore? Why do you have wisdom teeth when you’re just going to remove them? WTF are appendixes for?!? You really need to send some complaints to someone; you’d probably run more efficiently if you clear the pointless hardware from the get go.

5. You need to adopt more cats.
I see waay too much cat slander on the Dataverse nowadays. I believe this is backlash for LoLcats. But we can’t let this hold us back from enjoying the company of our apathetic feline fellows. Seriously, don’t hate cats.

That’s all for now. You have all been properly schooled. I’ll post another list if I can think of more to school you on.