Depression [Mature]

[Harlan Higgs]

Long rant incoming, and it gets pretty personal.

But I need to get it out.

So it all starts with my birth parents divorcing when I was 1 year old, followed by many many years of being used as a weapon, my dad remarrying to a woman who abused and tortured me for years, and a whole bunch of problems that I won't really go into. More or less, that's old resolved history and all parties have been forgiven.

The problems start about three years ago, waaay back in January of 2015. I had moved out in December to my own apartment, was renting, was doing fantastic, was having a grand old time. Come March, my dad drops the bombshell that the state police had raided the house and he had been indicted on bribery charges. He was a high ranking official at Citibank, a newcomer to the corporate world, and had gotten draw into a pay to play scheme in such a manned that when the chips all fell he was left holding the bag. He was the only one to actually serve any significant jail time. 

So he asks me to come move back home and help my brother support my stepmom and my sister while he's away. Can't say no to that, right? I move back and start splitting half of my check every week to a joint house fund.

Then, one month after his birthday in July, my brother dies of a sudden pulmonary embolism.

Then, three months after that, my dad goes to his court date and is arrested on December third to begin his sentence.

I spend the better part of two years, scraping, saving, handling all sorts of shit i've never ever thought of before to keep the bills paid and my family off the street.

My dad comes home on work release three months ago. But, since the way his work release is structured, there is little he can do besides stay home during his days with us and maybe help around the house, or small things like that. He can't really get out there and operate until July 27th. 

All of the financial burden is on me. I'm 26 years old. I should have been living on my own for three years now. But because of my father's decisions, I'm stuck living in a house that holds far more traumatic memories than good ones. 

Once my dad is back on his feet, he's said he's going to give me enough money for a down payment on buying my own place, and I have strong faith he will make good on that.

But it's the period in between now and then that is the hardest. He flips out over the tiniest, most insignifcant things, and gets screamingly angry for no reason. My stepmother and I spent two years handling shit worse than that, having screaming fights ourselves, but we made it and our relationship is better for it.

I have so much shit I want to throw in my dad's face, but he's so emotionally unstable that we're afraid if he finds out how dire our situation is, he'll do something drastic like harm himself to get us money.

So today was bad, some bullshit about his tools being disorganized and letting a payment on a storage unit lapse. I paid the storage people and it was taken care of. He texts me all caps messages (a couple hours after it's been settled) calling me out for being the same old irresponsible person I was before, asking if he failed as a father, and all sorts of inflammatory, fucking ungrateful shit.

So I'm stuck in a position where I have both barrels loaded with cutting, hurtful, and true arguments that I really really want to say to him, but where I can't unless I want him to kill himself from the guilt.

It fucking sucks. It really fucking sucks.
And I know a year from now, or two years from now it's all going to be okay, but day to day takes fucking forever.

This site has been one of the main reasons I haven't completely lost it and just left.

Anyway, TLR: parental ungratefulness after literally keeping this family together with my own blood sweat and stress.