Zone X -- The Colosseum

[Handsome Jack]

Here's the situation in a nutshell. I had the perfect plan: hide out of sight while these two losers murdered each other. Damn, it was a good plan... And, just like I thought, as soon as they took out my After-Images, they turned on each other. And that's when everything went south fast. As soon as they started clashing, my dumb-ass just HAD to rush on out and join the fray. So, instead of attacking one wounded fighter, I'm stuck fighting them both at the same time. Granted, they're also fighting each other, but this is NOT the ideal situation I wished to find myself in.

Even more infuriating is that I didn't even know WHY I gave up my hiding place to rejoin the battle. It was almost like some... thing took over my mind and made me do it. But that's just crazy! No way that could ever happen, right? Probably just my damn Saiyan blood making me lust after battle. THANKS Vegeta-bama!

Of course, now that I'm back in it, I'm pleasantly surprised to see that... Hell, I ain't doing too bad. While they both hit a lot harder than I do (dirty assholes!), and the bitch can take a hit better than I can, and dude-bitch has some skill with his guns, I'm out-running them three ways from Tuesday. Whatever the fuck THAT means.

So, now I got Ms. Blue Waffle (do NOT look that up) sizzling on the ground a goodly distance away and Young Bill Clinton (except with MORE STDs) trying to shake off a bad case of the 'shit just got exploded in your face'ings. I'm sitting so pretty now that it'd be a shame(and inevitable) if something happened to ruin this for me. Like, I dunno, some kinda shitty deux ex machina where Archer suddenly appears behind me and threatens me with a gun while spitting a cheesy one-liner. THAT would suck.

“Did SOMEONE call an exterminator?” I hear from behind me. Oh... goddammit. I turn and find myself staring down the barrel of a sawn-off shotgun. As Sterling's finger begins to press the trigger...

“Whoa whoa! Wait! Iss that a Ccentury Arms JW-Two Thoussand Coach Twelve-Gauge Sside-By-Sside Shotgun, now available at a Karl-Mart near you? That iss ssick as h-heck, dude! Alsso, not good for me!”

Archer grins and I catch his eyes glance at something behind me. I turn and fuck me again, it's Graowr (that shit is STILL hard to pronounce), chargin' up her lazor again. Which reminds me, when the FUCK did she learn THAT shit? Who the fuck is she anyway?

“Oh... ALSSO not good for me!”

Simultaneously the two fire and I do the only thing I can fucking think of in this situation. I jump. I'm about three meters up when the beam of energy collides with the explosion of pellets and (because fucking Omniphysics, that's why!) they make an even bigger explosion. I'm really starting to get the suspicion that Omni is, in fact, Michael Bay.

Anywho, back to the explosion. Because it's super dramatic and definitely not a cop-out, the fireball of death (as I like to call it) sends all three of us careening to perfectly-evenly-distanced-away-from-each-other sides of the Colosseum. Also, it hurts like hell. While I'm busy suppressing my natural urge to scream expletives like a twelve-year-old playing a First-Person-Shooter, I hear Archer mutter something about how expensive his suit is and how much it's going to cost to get it drycleaned. As for Groawr? Hell, I dunno. She's basically a kid. She's probably cryi- Oh wait. Yeah. She totally is. HAHAHAHA!

602 Words according to Open Office.
Archer used Double-Barreled Sawn-Off Shotgun dealy.
Grwaraoro used Kamehameha.
Cell used really shitty writing