01-02-2015, 12:12 AM
These posts are based on my own opinion, and such are subject to different standards. Take with salt.
The Price of Freedom
I will be the first to admit that I am a sucker for sympathetic characters, so I like Lopunny off the bat. But far too often a sympathetic character either ends up being a useless moe blob or just pitiful, and what I like if how you writing style is that you can make a likable character, but I want to stick with them to see what happens. It definitely helped that you brought in these two NPCs that Lopunny can work off of. I do also like your small snippets about the pokemon world, although that's more because of how little we know about it from the games.
I want to say you could afford to be a bit more descriptive, but your pace does work so being overly flowery would probably bog it down. perhaps instead adding a bit more about the setting could help, both as a way of setting up the scene but also that what descriptors you use for scenery can also be used to set up the character.
Fear no Evil
The Best. Amazing! Number one awesome of awesome! :V
On a more serious not, I really wanted to make a sort of a abridged introduction to Doomguy. His badassness, his anger, his love for his weapons and shooting them at demons. The way he speaks and thinks. In a sense I think I succeed, but chopped a lot of the complicated parts of him off to make an introduction. Certainly more posts will reveal more of his character and his motivations.
Giant Country
And then the boulders started to fall. There's something about the suddenness of that line that really makes it work, right after the scene you set with the setting.It definitely has the same feel as Dark Souls, where it could be beautiful at time but was always too dangerous to appreciate it. Your combat was well thought out and keep my interested. but it was slightly off putting, and I think it's because you occasionally mix the action and exposition in the same sentence. Like "action, action, exposition, action." Keep the sentences with the same style, or at least the two different styles at different ends, and you'll be fine
The Price of Freedom
I will be the first to admit that I am a sucker for sympathetic characters, so I like Lopunny off the bat. But far too often a sympathetic character either ends up being a useless moe blob or just pitiful, and what I like if how you writing style is that you can make a likable character, but I want to stick with them to see what happens. It definitely helped that you brought in these two NPCs that Lopunny can work off of. I do also like your small snippets about the pokemon world, although that's more because of how little we know about it from the games.
I want to say you could afford to be a bit more descriptive, but your pace does work so being overly flowery would probably bog it down. perhaps instead adding a bit more about the setting could help, both as a way of setting up the scene but also that what descriptors you use for scenery can also be used to set up the character.
Fear no Evil
The Best. Amazing! Number one awesome of awesome! :V
On a more serious not, I really wanted to make a sort of a abridged introduction to Doomguy. His badassness, his anger, his love for his weapons and shooting them at demons. The way he speaks and thinks. In a sense I think I succeed, but chopped a lot of the complicated parts of him off to make an introduction. Certainly more posts will reveal more of his character and his motivations.
Giant Country
And then the boulders started to fall. There's something about the suddenness of that line that really makes it work, right after the scene you set with the setting.It definitely has the same feel as Dark Souls, where it could be beautiful at time but was always too dangerous to appreciate it. Your combat was well thought out and keep my interested. but it was slightly off putting, and I think it's because you occasionally mix the action and exposition in the same sentence. Like "action, action, exposition, action." Keep the sentences with the same style, or at least the two different styles at different ends, and you'll be fine
![[Image: oGzCtPC.png]](http://i.imgur.com/oGzCtPC.png)