(Preshow) Preshow Facility

[Handsome Jack]

Barracks

Well, this looks familiar. Basically I just walked into a smaller version of the main hallway, minus all those pads. And with more doors, each with a contestant name over it. Just a big ass circular hallway. I'm beginning to think Karl might have a thing for round things.

There's a few folks milling around here, but definitely not the clusterfuck going on in the main area. Still, I better make a beeline for my room and wait shit out until things start. I don't see it in my immediate view, so I pick a direction and start walking. Gotta say though, I ain't really looking forward to sitting in an empty room for however long it takes til this thing starts. Sounds boring as fuck. Don't help matters that I'm hungry too. Maybe I should bring along a “snack”...

Fuck. Nevermind. Ol' Biddy told me that attacking people before I get on the island is a no-no. And while I normally wouldn't have a single fuck to give about the rules, if I fuck this up Pops definitely ain't gonna take these tats off me. Still... that gives me an idea. Basically, anytime someone talks to me, I gotta give em a spiel about the advertisements on my chest. And back... And it might be easier to just say there they aren't. Which is basically just my head.. I'm more ad than... well, not human. Humanoid? Thoughts for another time; back to the plan. I get some clothes on me (which is already striking me as fucking weird, but whatever) and that way I don't gotta worry about people asking me about them. Not a perfect fix, but I'm basically grasping at straws here. I'd heard that parents embarrass their kids, but this seems a little like overkill.

I look around for a patsy while I walk. Aaaaaaaaaaand BINGO! Found one. Aside from being on the tall side, the dude was the poster-boy for average and forgettable. White. Brown hair. Brown eyes. Guy's so plain he probably cosplays Protoman and helps run a roleplaying website. What a goddamn nerd. As I approach him, the Syntech employee opens his mouth to speak, probably to ask what he can help me with.. My tail whips around, a flash of green motion, and the tip rests upon his lips before he can utter a single word.

“Shhh... Don't ssay anything... Jusst...”

I eye him up and down, licking my beak-like lips. The guy has some kinda business-casual get up on. Khakis. White sneakers. Purple dress shirt and grey blazer. Kinda tacky if you ask me, but fuck it.

“Turn around.”

The tell-tale glimmer of actual fear shines in Joe's (Get it? Because he's average!) eyes but he does what I tell him. I bite my lip and I survey his rear and nod to myself.

“Yeah... that lookss good.”

Joe looks over his shoulder at me and I grin, staring deeply into his eyes.

“Now sstrip.”

A few minutes of sobbing later, and I got me a set of clothes and a broken man at my feet. I pull the khakis on over my legs and scowl at how much of my lower legs are exposed (and at the hole my tail tears through the back), but I guess beggars can't be choosers. Still, kinda shitty how I look like a kid who outgrew his clothes four years ago. Whatever. It's fine. As long as it covers up these tattoos. But, as I struggle to don the too-small blazer...

*BZZZZZRT!!*

I throw the garment away as an electrical shock rocks my body the moment the clothing touches one of the tattoos.

“Are you *beep*ing me? I can't even cover them up? *BEEP* me!”

Wait...

“I can't even *beep*ing curse now? What the *beep*! How iss thiss even *beep*ing happening!?*BEEP*!!! I swear to *beep*ing god, when I get these *beep*ing tattoos off me, first *beep*ing thing I'm *beep*ing doing is *beep*ing Popss in the *beep* while he *beep*ing watches me! I'm gonna tear out hiss *beep*ing intestiness and *beep*ing feed them to him! I'm-”

“That's not very nice, son,” I hear from my chest tattoo. “With that kind of attitude, I'm not feeling very inclined to remove those advertisements. At all.”

My heart sinks into my feet. Fuck. He can hear me? I gotta... salvage this somehow. But first.

“Look Popss. One: I wass jusst kidding. Obvioussly. I would never hurt you. You know I love you.”

Gero “hrmms” me through the connection. Sure am glad he left me with Computer Mom, cuz the guy is a dick. I continue.

“Two: why can't I cursse anymore? I ssaid *beep* jusst fine before I got here.”

“Well... son, the investors heard that too. Told me that it'd be hard for you to promote their products with such a potty mouth. So, consider THIS to be censorship. Course, now that I told you about it...”

The man chuckles over the line.

“Next time you'll get shocked too.”

Fuck me. Fuck Gero. Fuck this naked dude who is STILL HERE FOR SOME REASON!!!

“Fine...” I sigh. “Fine. Whatever. Three: Are you REALLY gonna be sspying on me? Cuz, I gotta ssay, that'ss not cool, Popss. A boy on the cussp of manhood needss hiss privaccy, you feel me?”

*BZZZZRT!!*

“You feel that?”

“Uh huh...” I answers as I literally and figuratively steam over the situation.

“Good. Now, go be a good boy and test my experiment. That's my boy. Gero: Out.”

After a few seconds, I mutter to myself. “More like 'Gero: out of the closset...”

*BZZZZRT!!*