06-10-2017, 12:13 PM
Ohh, the odd couple trope. If it was any two lesser writers, this might have been an extremely tired concept. Unfortunately, Sam and Ivan both perform well here (even if it’s clear that you’re both new writers, no offense), and their characters both have points to shine.
It took me until about the 7th or 8th post to realize/remember that this was a prequel to the Secondary Saga. Once I made that connection, the thread became a little more ‘powerful’ for me, because I knew that it was building up into something much grander for Isaac and Christa, rather than just serving as a one-off meeting to establish IC acquaintances.
Something I mention in the ‘stream of consciousness musings’ that I’ll include at the bottom for the author’s sake is that people (myself 100% included) have a really bad habit of assuming everyone has read previous threads they wrote. We often assume that we don’t need to sneak in some minor details for new readers. I’m not saying every thread needs to have an entire 3k word prologue summarizing ‘Last time on Omniverse Z!’ but I think we as writers definitely need to be more effective at connecting separate threads. Weaving them more effectively together. Even just a little earlier blurb about Isaac and Christa’s backgrounds would have helped. I know you guys were saving stuff for ‘reveals’ later in the thread, but there could have been some details released earlier to prevent some confusion as well.
As for the story itself, I felt like the pacing could have been tweaked. The bar fight, while executed pretty nicely, did drag for a little bit, whereas more personal moments like the healing and reflecting at Christa’s room seemed ‘cut for time’. The dream sequence could have been a powerful moment of character development for Isaac, but it felt cut short, as well as his reflection after the fact.
For the characters themselves, I still think it’s weird they even got along. I know they had the ‘fight together against overwhelming odds’ trope to serve as their alliance forged in blood, but still. It pops up in my stream below, but I don’t know what Christa is. Antivillain? Antihero? Reluctant hero? She casually murders someone after seemingly offering to spare them. She also seems apathetic to the idea of accidentally shooting Isaac during the opening fight, yet quickly goes on to befriend him after the fight rather than telling him to go ‘eff himself.
I preferred Isaac by leaps and bounds, even if I have NO CLUE how old he is supposed to be. My assumptions jumped all over the place based on contextual clues and ranged from ‘30s to 60s.’ Honestly. As for Christa… I think you sacrifice a little of her personality having her “try” (for lack of a better word) to be the 100% utter total badass. Not to say that she can’t, but there are points where it feels like she’s just trying to show how stone cold she is for no real reason other than ‘just cause’. Having read other stories with Christa, I *do* know more elements of her backstory and part of why she acts the way she does, but it’s still a bit jarring for me.
Overall, this is a nice thread. You two were both two (relatively) new writers fresh off being in the top-10 (?) in that years DA. Some grammar and spelling flubs DO occur throughout, and I’m left guessing that there was probably some un-edited writing done on the site’s processor.
Even still, this is a nice launching pad for both of you. You’ve both grown a lot in the years since. Kudos. I don't think this qualifies for either bonus. There's just too many little things, but I'm fine saying that because I know it'll get one anyway.
--Stream of Consciousness musings—
[spoiler]
Issac #1
(Story) It’s the Omniverse, why is this dude one-handed?! Get a new one.
I know this is an older thread, so I apologize if I give grammar and style-based retorts that you’ve long-since corrected or adjusted or modified.
(Grammar) I feel like commas are missing. Commas should be more involved in some of your sentences.
(Style/Grammar) I’m a victim of this, but remember that sometimes you can say something more powerfully with less/different words.
(Grammar) “You’re coming with us Isaac, we can do this peacefully or I can blow your head off.” “You’re coming with us, Issac. We can do this peacefully, or I can blow your head off.”
(Story) So he has Strazio-like blood powers? Dude, you love your blood, don’t you? XD At least it makes a little more sense why he continues to not have a hand.
(Grammar) “hated spilling blood and hated violence,” <- Kind of the same thing, plus with the extra stuff the whole sentence is a bit clunky. I’d cut out the blood part and it would flow (lol) a little better.
(Story) What a dumb old lady, having those explosive reagents on the same shelf.
Overall, a fun post. The story itself was a nice setup, and it creates some more mystery, since I have 0 background on Issac.
Christa #1
My only experience with Christa is DA2k16. Glad to see she hasn’t changed.
(Story) I wonder why she’s getting drunk in a bar at midday. Seems like a Christa thing to do, but still. People far too often assume that everyone knows where their character came from or was doing prior to a scene, especially when they hop into a new thread like this. After getting some of the feedback for me own thread, I know that I’m going to be more mindful of ensuring that there are smoother transitions not only when I end of a thread but also when I create a new one. It’s all supposed to be one on-going saga.
(Grammar) “The female launched herself toward the nearby destruction as she whipped out her artillery that would easily get the job done.” I dunno what it is, but this sentence was really awkward to me. I know what you’re doing here, but I think there was a less jarring way to execute this. Maybe with two quick sentences instead of one long one.
(Grammar) “This raid felt like a war-zone and Christa couldn't exactly ask the bullet shells that her boots stomped who was fighting her prey.” <- Again, a lot of stuff is going on in here. I found myself doubling back on this sentence to make sure I got it.
(Character) Oh, lol, Christa with the smack-talk. Didn’t expect that.
(Story) A minor thing, but you mentioned pretty armor in initial descriptions of the tandem and then described the first one as wearing a cheesy shirt. I know the other guy was armored, but I had to pause for a moment to make sure the shirt guy wasn’t new.
(Character) “Christa thought and was about to launch herself at the soldier to aid the innocent that had been caught up in this web. Though, if he got in her bullets' way, she wouldn't exactly complain.” It’s stuff like this that confuses me a little about Christa. Is she an antihero, just flocking to the sound of chaos to have a chance to throw down? Or is she supposed to be a reluctant hero? The fact that she seems calm with the prospect of killing a guy seems to conflict with why she’d get involved anyway.
(Character) Why is she hesitating to kill this guy.
Issac #2
(Character) The visual of blood like, swirling and ‘dancing’ in the air around Issac’s stump was wonderful.
(Grammar) “A slight grin formed on Isaac’s grizzled face, glad that he was able to spare a life.” I’d try this as two sentences or use a smoother transition.
(Grammar) I’mma read your recent stuff, and if you’re missing commas, I’mma start heckling you like I used to do to Trixie back in 2k11.
(Character) Ahh, okay, that’s Christa.
(Character) How old is Isaac? He’s referred to as a veteran, which has me thinking he’s in his forties?
(Character) lol, two people with immunity to booze drinking away, always a hoot. But I gotta agree with Isaac, why would Christa think they were after her?
(Character) Awesome, the tease of backstory. This should be a good one.
Christa #2
(Story) As an aside, I felt like the first few paragraphs could have been left out. It felt like a bit of backtracking over into Isaac’s post.
(Story) Ahh, I really like the bit with Christa ‘accidentally’ letting the shot glass fly at Isaac’s face. That was a nice touch.
(Story) Still wondering why the Empire hates Christa =p
(Character) HOW OLD IS ISAAC.
Isaac #3
Random aside, but I find it weird that people use Empire has an adjective. I’ve always used Imperial (capital I), like they do in the Star Wars movies. Think it sounds better to call it an Imperial Stormtrooper than an Empire Stormtrooper.
(Character/Story) I really enjoyed the back-and-forth between those two in the middle of the post. I liked the fact that they have very diametrically opposed views toward violence. It created a nice contrast, along with the physical contrast of an old guy and a younger woman sitting in a bar taking shots.
Christa #3
(Story) As an aside, there was a really bad disjoint between this post and the end of the Isaac’s post.
(Grammar) “Her eyes flickered with rage as the loudmouth woman freshly held the cold steel in her hands.” <- I’m assuming Christa is the loudmouthed woman, but I would have just used ‘she’ instead of that phrase, because who are we to know if there were any female thugs at the bar that day.
I enjoyed the bar fight. A lot of high-value shock and gore and mayhem, which seems to be Christa’s MO. I thought her reaction to the bartender was a touch bit callous. She knew his name, so I’m assuming there was at least some type of previous interaction, yet she just stood over him and watched him bleed (to death?) Also, I’m surprised she didn’t just put a bullet through the girl to kill the guy behind her, though.
(Grammar) Are you are you’ve been spelling the guy’s name as Issac instead of Isaac?
Isaac #4
Oh, Isaac, getting show by someone still alive. You just had to play into Christa’s macabre view of the world, didn’t you?
(Story) Also, is getting shot in the shoulder really that lethal, Isaac? You ain’t gonna bleed out unless they shot through one of those armpit blood vessels or something like that =p
Christa #4
(Story) This was before the Secondary Saga, right? I’m assuming it was possibly one of the lead-ins, given the detail spent describing Christa’s wall map. Actually, this was probably the thread that lead to the idea. Would make sense, given Isaac’s motives here.
(Character) These two continue to have bizarre interactions, but I liked the setup here, since I figured out where it’s going. The fact that Christa knew the old lady’s store was a trap was a very nice bookend and is one of those tiny little things that I absolutely love in stories.
Isaac #5
(Story) Part of me knows it’s the goal of the story, but I think these two clicked a little bit too well. Some lingering tension would have been nice, but they just immediately seem to become allies. It seems a little rushed, and I think a little more to this narrative would have helped sell their odd-pals alliance.
(Story) Oooh, Sector 8. Imperial or pre-OV? That’s the only tidbit I wanted to know. I’m assuming the latter.
Christa #5
(Story) I’m never going to be a fan of the tactic of backtracking for one’s opening paragraph(s) regardless of how good the writer may be or how nice a person they are =p
(Story) Lots of clues in here to – I’m assuming – previous stories. Damien. Torn jeep.
(Story) Some Jason Bourne stuff there, jumping from a burning building perfectly into a getaway car, lol.
(Character) “we got way back” oh, Christa
Isaac #6
(Story) There’s a weird pacing flub between these last two posts. Christa’s post had me thinking you guys were out far ahead, and just being trailed. In this post, it feels more like a traditional, high-speed car chase. Dunno which one you two may have been going for.[/spoiler]
It took me until about the 7th or 8th post to realize/remember that this was a prequel to the Secondary Saga. Once I made that connection, the thread became a little more ‘powerful’ for me, because I knew that it was building up into something much grander for Isaac and Christa, rather than just serving as a one-off meeting to establish IC acquaintances.
Something I mention in the ‘stream of consciousness musings’ that I’ll include at the bottom for the author’s sake is that people (myself 100% included) have a really bad habit of assuming everyone has read previous threads they wrote. We often assume that we don’t need to sneak in some minor details for new readers. I’m not saying every thread needs to have an entire 3k word prologue summarizing ‘Last time on Omniverse Z!’ but I think we as writers definitely need to be more effective at connecting separate threads. Weaving them more effectively together. Even just a little earlier blurb about Isaac and Christa’s backgrounds would have helped. I know you guys were saving stuff for ‘reveals’ later in the thread, but there could have been some details released earlier to prevent some confusion as well.
As for the story itself, I felt like the pacing could have been tweaked. The bar fight, while executed pretty nicely, did drag for a little bit, whereas more personal moments like the healing and reflecting at Christa’s room seemed ‘cut for time’. The dream sequence could have been a powerful moment of character development for Isaac, but it felt cut short, as well as his reflection after the fact.
For the characters themselves, I still think it’s weird they even got along. I know they had the ‘fight together against overwhelming odds’ trope to serve as their alliance forged in blood, but still. It pops up in my stream below, but I don’t know what Christa is. Antivillain? Antihero? Reluctant hero? She casually murders someone after seemingly offering to spare them. She also seems apathetic to the idea of accidentally shooting Isaac during the opening fight, yet quickly goes on to befriend him after the fight rather than telling him to go ‘eff himself.
I preferred Isaac by leaps and bounds, even if I have NO CLUE how old he is supposed to be. My assumptions jumped all over the place based on contextual clues and ranged from ‘30s to 60s.’ Honestly. As for Christa… I think you sacrifice a little of her personality having her “try” (for lack of a better word) to be the 100% utter total badass. Not to say that she can’t, but there are points where it feels like she’s just trying to show how stone cold she is for no real reason other than ‘just cause’. Having read other stories with Christa, I *do* know more elements of her backstory and part of why she acts the way she does, but it’s still a bit jarring for me.
Overall, this is a nice thread. You two were both two (relatively) new writers fresh off being in the top-10 (?) in that years DA. Some grammar and spelling flubs DO occur throughout, and I’m left guessing that there was probably some un-edited writing done on the site’s processor.
Even still, this is a nice launching pad for both of you. You’ve both grown a lot in the years since. Kudos. I don't think this qualifies for either bonus. There's just too many little things, but I'm fine saying that because I know it'll get one anyway.
--Stream of Consciousness musings—
[spoiler]
Issac #1
(Story) It’s the Omniverse, why is this dude one-handed?! Get a new one.
I know this is an older thread, so I apologize if I give grammar and style-based retorts that you’ve long-since corrected or adjusted or modified.
(Grammar) I feel like commas are missing. Commas should be more involved in some of your sentences.
(Style/Grammar) I’m a victim of this, but remember that sometimes you can say something more powerfully with less/different words.
Quote:“Now the two dogs of the Empire were here to bring him back to his cage”
“Now two Imperial dogs were here to return him to his cage” or possibly “…drag him back...” The ‘two dogs of the Empire’ is just a big mouthful.
(Grammar) “You’re coming with us Isaac, we can do this peacefully or I can blow your head off.” “You’re coming with us, Issac. We can do this peacefully, or I can blow your head off.”
(Story) So he has Strazio-like blood powers? Dude, you love your blood, don’t you? XD At least it makes a little more sense why he continues to not have a hand.
(Grammar) “hated spilling blood and hated violence,” <- Kind of the same thing, plus with the extra stuff the whole sentence is a bit clunky. I’d cut out the blood part and it would flow (lol) a little better.
(Story) What a dumb old lady, having those explosive reagents on the same shelf.
Overall, a fun post. The story itself was a nice setup, and it creates some more mystery, since I have 0 background on Issac.
Christa #1
My only experience with Christa is DA2k16. Glad to see she hasn’t changed.
(Story) I wonder why she’s getting drunk in a bar at midday. Seems like a Christa thing to do, but still. People far too often assume that everyone knows where their character came from or was doing prior to a scene, especially when they hop into a new thread like this. After getting some of the feedback for me own thread, I know that I’m going to be more mindful of ensuring that there are smoother transitions not only when I end of a thread but also when I create a new one. It’s all supposed to be one on-going saga.
(Grammar) “The female launched herself toward the nearby destruction as she whipped out her artillery that would easily get the job done.” I dunno what it is, but this sentence was really awkward to me. I know what you’re doing here, but I think there was a less jarring way to execute this. Maybe with two quick sentences instead of one long one.
(Grammar) “This raid felt like a war-zone and Christa couldn't exactly ask the bullet shells that her boots stomped who was fighting her prey.” <- Again, a lot of stuff is going on in here. I found myself doubling back on this sentence to make sure I got it.
(Character) Oh, lol, Christa with the smack-talk. Didn’t expect that.
(Story) A minor thing, but you mentioned pretty armor in initial descriptions of the tandem and then described the first one as wearing a cheesy shirt. I know the other guy was armored, but I had to pause for a moment to make sure the shirt guy wasn’t new.
(Character) “Christa thought and was about to launch herself at the soldier to aid the innocent that had been caught up in this web. Though, if he got in her bullets' way, she wouldn't exactly complain.” It’s stuff like this that confuses me a little about Christa. Is she an antihero, just flocking to the sound of chaos to have a chance to throw down? Or is she supposed to be a reluctant hero? The fact that she seems calm with the prospect of killing a guy seems to conflict with why she’d get involved anyway.
(Character) Why is she hesitating to kill this guy.
Issac #2
(Character) The visual of blood like, swirling and ‘dancing’ in the air around Issac’s stump was wonderful.
(Grammar) “A slight grin formed on Isaac’s grizzled face, glad that he was able to spare a life.” I’d try this as two sentences or use a smoother transition.
(Grammar) I’mma read your recent stuff, and if you’re missing commas, I’mma start heckling you like I used to do to Trixie back in 2k11.
(Character) Ahh, okay, that’s Christa.
(Character) How old is Isaac? He’s referred to as a veteran, which has me thinking he’s in his forties?
(Character) lol, two people with immunity to booze drinking away, always a hoot. But I gotta agree with Isaac, why would Christa think they were after her?
(Character) Awesome, the tease of backstory. This should be a good one.
Christa #2
(Story) As an aside, I felt like the first few paragraphs could have been left out. It felt like a bit of backtracking over into Isaac’s post.
(Story) Ahh, I really like the bit with Christa ‘accidentally’ letting the shot glass fly at Isaac’s face. That was a nice touch.
(Story) Still wondering why the Empire hates Christa =p
(Character) HOW OLD IS ISAAC.
Isaac #3
Random aside, but I find it weird that people use Empire has an adjective. I’ve always used Imperial (capital I), like they do in the Star Wars movies. Think it sounds better to call it an Imperial Stormtrooper than an Empire Stormtrooper.
(Character/Story) I really enjoyed the back-and-forth between those two in the middle of the post. I liked the fact that they have very diametrically opposed views toward violence. It created a nice contrast, along with the physical contrast of an old guy and a younger woman sitting in a bar taking shots.
Christa #3
(Story) As an aside, there was a really bad disjoint between this post and the end of the Isaac’s post.
(Grammar) “Her eyes flickered with rage as the loudmouth woman freshly held the cold steel in her hands.” <- I’m assuming Christa is the loudmouthed woman, but I would have just used ‘she’ instead of that phrase, because who are we to know if there were any female thugs at the bar that day.
I enjoyed the bar fight. A lot of high-value shock and gore and mayhem, which seems to be Christa’s MO. I thought her reaction to the bartender was a touch bit callous. She knew his name, so I’m assuming there was at least some type of previous interaction, yet she just stood over him and watched him bleed (to death?) Also, I’m surprised she didn’t just put a bullet through the girl to kill the guy behind her, though.
(Grammar) Are you are you’ve been spelling the guy’s name as Issac instead of Isaac?
Isaac #4
Oh, Isaac, getting show by someone still alive. You just had to play into Christa’s macabre view of the world, didn’t you?
(Story) Also, is getting shot in the shoulder really that lethal, Isaac? You ain’t gonna bleed out unless they shot through one of those armpit blood vessels or something like that =p
Christa #4
(Story) This was before the Secondary Saga, right? I’m assuming it was possibly one of the lead-ins, given the detail spent describing Christa’s wall map. Actually, this was probably the thread that lead to the idea. Would make sense, given Isaac’s motives here.
(Character) These two continue to have bizarre interactions, but I liked the setup here, since I figured out where it’s going. The fact that Christa knew the old lady’s store was a trap was a very nice bookend and is one of those tiny little things that I absolutely love in stories.
Isaac #5
(Story) Part of me knows it’s the goal of the story, but I think these two clicked a little bit too well. Some lingering tension would have been nice, but they just immediately seem to become allies. It seems a little rushed, and I think a little more to this narrative would have helped sell their odd-pals alliance.
(Story) Oooh, Sector 8. Imperial or pre-OV? That’s the only tidbit I wanted to know. I’m assuming the latter.
Christa #5
(Story) I’m never going to be a fan of the tactic of backtracking for one’s opening paragraph(s) regardless of how good the writer may be or how nice a person they are =p
(Story) Lots of clues in here to – I’m assuming – previous stories. Damien. Torn jeep.
(Story) Some Jason Bourne stuff there, jumping from a burning building perfectly into a getaway car, lol.
(Character) “we got way back” oh, Christa
Isaac #6
(Story) There’s a weird pacing flub between these last two posts. Christa’s post had me thinking you guys were out far ahead, and just being trailed. In this post, it feels more like a traditional, high-speed car chase. Dunno which one you two may have been going for.[/spoiler]