(Preshow) Registration (Where you Sign up IC)

[Handsome Jack]

I find myself staring at what appears to be a re-purposed restaurant, the old sign proclaiming it as, 'The Emperor's Respite' covered over with a tarp re-designating it as the Dante's Abyss sign-up pavilion. Even though I'm already here, I'm starting to wish I had just stayed in jail. Figures that when Pops says it won't be that simple, he means he's gonna do some fucked up shit first. As much as I'd like to back out of this little deal, I ain't really got a choice in the matter anymore. Goddammit...


I move through the crowds towards one of the tables around the building, people instinctively making way for what is essentially a giant green bug-man who looks ready to kill them all. And I would too, if Gero hadn't told me that he wouldn't reverse what he'd done if I did. Fuck I'm hungry too. The asshole could have, at least, given me a meal before he kicked me out the door.

The young blonde girl sitting at the table doesn't even notice me until I'm practically on top of her, and unlike the rabble watching the televisions set-up around the area, she barely even blinks at my appearance. Though her eyes DO give a double-take at my chest. I sigh in resignation as she pulls out a pen and a form.

“Name?” she asks, writing implement at the ready.

“Ccell,” I reply succinctly, “And I'm legally required to tell you that you should drink Pepssi-Cola, the official beverage of Dante'ss Abysss.”

She blinks in confusion, frozen in mid-writing, “Excuse me?”

Goddammit... she said something again. “There's no exxcusse for not enjoying the cool, crissp tasste of a Pepssi.”

“Right... Well, uh, w-why are you interested in the Summer Syntech Event?”

“Becausse the alternative iss being sstuck in jail.”

An electrical shock painfully through my body and I quickly continue, “And becausse there'ss no better way to enjoy Pepssi than after a hard-day ssurviving in the Karl Jak sspectacular: Dante'ss Abysss.”

Fucking Gero... Once he takes these damn tattoos off me, I swear to god I'm going to kill him.

By now, the girl seems to have gotten over her shock at my tatttoed advertisements and peculiar manner of speech. Thank God, because the more she talks, the more I have to promote these damn brands. While she's writing, I hear a soft beep. Great. It changed. Fuck my life. I look down at my arm to see what I have to advertise now.

“How long have you been in the Omniverse, Mr. Cell?” she asks professionally.

“Fuck if I know. I've sspent I don't know HOW long sstuck in jail. Coursse, now that I'm out, I can head down to the local geneticss sstore and purchasse some of Ryan Indusstriess Plassmidss. With classsicss like Pyrokinessiss and all new formulass like Prime Ssensse, you jusst can't go wrong with a Ryan Indusstriess Plassmid!”

I try to keep my words upbeat and cheerful. I already know that the alternative is another nasty shock. Fortunately, it can't read my thoughts, because all I can think about is shoving a two-litre of Pepsi straight up his ass.

The questions keep coming and I keep answering them, along with giving my ever-changing product endorsements. They're nothing big, just some basic information and some waivers of responsibility. Whatever. But... even with this horrid affliction Gero had placed upon me, I couldn't help but feel a little excited about the whole thing. In between my answers, the girl had been giving me some details on what I was getting myself into. Gero got one thing right: this would be a perfect opportunity to prove that I am the perfect being.