So right off the bat I notice that Strazio has a few spelling errors and the little fight scene at the beginning felt a bit… awkward. It wasn’t “clumbsy” but it had a few details muted, giving it a very Hollywood feel. Cool to look at, but for my personal flavor the “blows a hole in the wall, but doesn’t mentions effects on Isaac” considering the cabinet was nearby, the explosion apparently avoided Isaac. He escaped while it knocked literally everyone on their ass.
Gildarts had a few inconsistancies too. Unless the shooters had two different types of guns, I don’t imagine they would be far enough apart to really tell that there were multiple shooters. The reason behind how she knew there were EXACTLY two was a bit… underwhelming. She also doesnn’t quite mention what she was carrying during the fight, referring to it as “Artillery.”
Otherwise, the combat felt very fluid from both participants. The two gunslingers went down rather easy, so I assume that they were unskilled (at which point this makes complete sense for a skilled gunslinger of any form.) I perhaps judged this section the harshest because of what I excel at; combat detail and continuity.
Moving on from there, the reaction to the murder from Isaac was both dramatic and somewhat muted. If she had ignored him and just done it, then sure, but she gave false hope alongside killing the downed man… it feels a bit more serious than it was made out to be. For the sake of continuing an RP and achieving dialogue, it might be better this way, but it feels like it could have come up more. The execution felt almost evil in its… well… execution. Also… those giant BANG BANG THWUMP BANG are a bit of an eyesore. Unecessary spacers that would have been fine as one line of italic-bold.
Gildarts suggestion that the Empire has been throwing goons at her for a while also suggests that she is A: Not important enough to throw the big names, and B: that the empire is willing to continue sending numerous small-time goons, figuring they would die, even though subject A is still evident. This is a common trope to make one appear a badass, but it usually insinuates incompetence of the highest order on the “big bad.”
This isn’t to say that I did not like this part of the read. There is a lot said with relatively little dialogue. I’m not reading tons and tons of chatter, but you get a real sense for who each character is. And the way that Gildarts and Strazio play the other’s NPC is fluid – damn near graceful – and helps with building a near story-like continuity that is often difficult to achieve in an RP environment.
The second fight scene had a great deal more detail from both sides. Gildarts outlined the fight rather well, though I had to reread some parts to make sure I had it accurate. I know firsthand an extencive fight scene is difficult to keep fluid, but it is definitely managed (with the exception of only a few bits, but I will chalk those up to grammatical choices which I personally had difficulty fitting into context.)
Strazio follows the same pattern, keeping a fluid storytelling even under high intensity. I have to admit, I enjoy his personality a bit more. It feels definitely more expressive than the drive to be a badass, making Isaac an unintentional badass with a soul. Sorry Christa.
The back and forth keeps me really invigorated to keep reading, but I do continue to see a few common tropes used here and there. A lot of them are pretty easy to miss in the heat of writing things, especially when you want your character to look like a badass, or you want to highlight a special aspect. Isaac’s foolishness to leave foes alive is matched only by Christa’s desire to kill everyone in broad daylight with tons of witnisses and plenty reason to acquire a brand new (and hefty) bounty for first degree murder. Some of these I will go out and say that she can’t even claim self defense. If she is SUPPOSED to be Chaotic Evil, then I can see this working out fine and dandy, but I’m not sure that’s what we were aiming for, due to the way she happily conversed with Strazio, a known peace lover (not to mention ex-imperial.)
I fear I would just repeat myself if I continued. The writing is very fluid (said that at least fifty times) and I like the major clash of character personalities. There is a lot of tension here due to the differences, with the only major similarity being they can’t get drunk and solve their differences by incoherent yammering and drunken stupors.
I feel that the dream sequence should have been longer, but that is only because I am selfish, and that was some major eye-opening stuff. The size is perfect for what it is meant to be; a glimpse into the past. I really love how it does not directly SCREAM it, but it sort of gives the reader insight as to why someone known as the Mu Fuq’n Bloodlance is not some hardened killer.
I kinda liked Damien, but leave it to me to love a good… well… not exactly sure what he would be classified as. The corpse idea shows he really knows Christa, and there is an actual iota of intellect to a perspective villain. And the fleeing from Damien makes up for the leagues of unskilled lambs that were lead to the slaughter, as it shows that this invincible badass is only invincible against lesser thugs and soldiers that she manages to get the drop on.
The end result was pretty unexpected. I went from “They’ll never last” to “I ship it.” It’s not a proud result, but the back and forth that they have, their clashing (almost antiarchal) personalities and the way they both mesh and disrupt the other’s general “funk” makes them as compatible as allies as they would be as enemies. He reigns her in (a bit, maybe, over time, possibly?) and she helps him get things done (by lighting a fire under his ass.)
Edit: Forgot to give a rating... XD I'd definitely say this falls in the margin of Great. It may sound like I disliked it, but I just judge combat a bit harshly because I'm still used to really hardcore reliance on physics over Hollywood showmanship. There were so few incidences though that everything else made it no big deal. Had I not been required to write a post, I wouldn't have bothered breaking it down so much.
Definitely Great.
Gildarts had a few inconsistancies too. Unless the shooters had two different types of guns, I don’t imagine they would be far enough apart to really tell that there were multiple shooters. The reason behind how she knew there were EXACTLY two was a bit… underwhelming. She also doesnn’t quite mention what she was carrying during the fight, referring to it as “Artillery.”
Otherwise, the combat felt very fluid from both participants. The two gunslingers went down rather easy, so I assume that they were unskilled (at which point this makes complete sense for a skilled gunslinger of any form.) I perhaps judged this section the harshest because of what I excel at; combat detail and continuity.
Moving on from there, the reaction to the murder from Isaac was both dramatic and somewhat muted. If she had ignored him and just done it, then sure, but she gave false hope alongside killing the downed man… it feels a bit more serious than it was made out to be. For the sake of continuing an RP and achieving dialogue, it might be better this way, but it feels like it could have come up more. The execution felt almost evil in its… well… execution. Also… those giant BANG BANG THWUMP BANG are a bit of an eyesore. Unecessary spacers that would have been fine as one line of italic-bold.
Gildarts suggestion that the Empire has been throwing goons at her for a while also suggests that she is A: Not important enough to throw the big names, and B: that the empire is willing to continue sending numerous small-time goons, figuring they would die, even though subject A is still evident. This is a common trope to make one appear a badass, but it usually insinuates incompetence of the highest order on the “big bad.”
This isn’t to say that I did not like this part of the read. There is a lot said with relatively little dialogue. I’m not reading tons and tons of chatter, but you get a real sense for who each character is. And the way that Gildarts and Strazio play the other’s NPC is fluid – damn near graceful – and helps with building a near story-like continuity that is often difficult to achieve in an RP environment.
The second fight scene had a great deal more detail from both sides. Gildarts outlined the fight rather well, though I had to reread some parts to make sure I had it accurate. I know firsthand an extencive fight scene is difficult to keep fluid, but it is definitely managed (with the exception of only a few bits, but I will chalk those up to grammatical choices which I personally had difficulty fitting into context.)
Strazio follows the same pattern, keeping a fluid storytelling even under high intensity. I have to admit, I enjoy his personality a bit more. It feels definitely more expressive than the drive to be a badass, making Isaac an unintentional badass with a soul. Sorry Christa.
The back and forth keeps me really invigorated to keep reading, but I do continue to see a few common tropes used here and there. A lot of them are pretty easy to miss in the heat of writing things, especially when you want your character to look like a badass, or you want to highlight a special aspect. Isaac’s foolishness to leave foes alive is matched only by Christa’s desire to kill everyone in broad daylight with tons of witnisses and plenty reason to acquire a brand new (and hefty) bounty for first degree murder. Some of these I will go out and say that she can’t even claim self defense. If she is SUPPOSED to be Chaotic Evil, then I can see this working out fine and dandy, but I’m not sure that’s what we were aiming for, due to the way she happily conversed with Strazio, a known peace lover (not to mention ex-imperial.)
I fear I would just repeat myself if I continued. The writing is very fluid (said that at least fifty times) and I like the major clash of character personalities. There is a lot of tension here due to the differences, with the only major similarity being they can’t get drunk and solve their differences by incoherent yammering and drunken stupors.
I feel that the dream sequence should have been longer, but that is only because I am selfish, and that was some major eye-opening stuff. The size is perfect for what it is meant to be; a glimpse into the past. I really love how it does not directly SCREAM it, but it sort of gives the reader insight as to why someone known as the Mu Fuq’n Bloodlance is not some hardened killer.
I kinda liked Damien, but leave it to me to love a good… well… not exactly sure what he would be classified as. The corpse idea shows he really knows Christa, and there is an actual iota of intellect to a perspective villain. And the fleeing from Damien makes up for the leagues of unskilled lambs that were lead to the slaughter, as it shows that this invincible badass is only invincible against lesser thugs and soldiers that she manages to get the drop on.
The end result was pretty unexpected. I went from “They’ll never last” to “I ship it.” It’s not a proud result, but the back and forth that they have, their clashing (almost antiarchal) personalities and the way they both mesh and disrupt the other’s general “funk” makes them as compatible as allies as they would be as enemies. He reigns her in (a bit, maybe, over time, possibly?) and she helps him get things done (by lighting a fire under his ass.)
Edit: Forgot to give a rating... XD I'd definitely say this falls in the margin of Great. It may sound like I disliked it, but I just judge combat a bit harshly because I'm still used to really hardcore reliance on physics over Hollywood showmanship. There were so few incidences though that everything else made it no big deal. Had I not been required to write a post, I wouldn't have bothered breaking it down so much.
Definitely Great.