05-26-2017, 03:55 AM
(OM to Sterling Archer, please!)
Family of Steel - Man on Fire
Alright, I'll open with the obvious: I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I'll have to echo what others have said and say that one of my favorite things about your writing is that I never really feel like I'm bogged down by excessive exposition. I know that I personally tend to dump waaay too many words into describing scenery, travel, etc. and that can make a story a chore to read. You've got a strong grasp on timing/flow, with none of the posts feeling like they're stretched too long or squeezed in where they shouldn't be. Similarly, your choice of wording and structure of your sentences are both first rate. You've given detail without slipping into purple prose or throwing semicolons and em-dashes around needlessly, which is something I struggle with from time to time.
Something else that I really enjoyed was your dealing with Proto Man's cybernetic nature. It's definitely tricky to write a character who doesn't exactly feel per se, but the fact that you took the time to describe exactly what the characters WEREN'T feeling was personally greatly appreciated. Being that I imagine most people reading these are not gun toting androids, it can be very easy for a writer to lose their audience by not bothering to explain that for example Heat Man's fall injury would have been the kind that could kill a regular person. Since just writing "Heat Man was limping" would not give the reader a true indicating of how bad his injury was, I feel that stuff like this is critically important to feeling 'close' to the characters.
One thing that I'll mention in regards to what I feel might be missing is that maybe a little more time could have gone into Proto Man's journey, as I found myself thinking "Oh man, Heat Man is gonna get the jump on him later on" and then it felt like one post later he had already found Proto Man straight away. I feel like even a single small post in-between would space it out nicely. Like I mentioned above you've got a good handle on pacing so I don't feel like this took much away from the work, just an observation.
Overall, I'd give this a Great ranking, as the word count flies just south of Exemplary. If it had gone on for a few more posts I haven't a doubt in my mind that you'd have made Exemplary.
I don't have any threads that are eligible to submit at this time.
Family of Steel - Man on Fire
Alright, I'll open with the obvious: I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I'll have to echo what others have said and say that one of my favorite things about your writing is that I never really feel like I'm bogged down by excessive exposition. I know that I personally tend to dump waaay too many words into describing scenery, travel, etc. and that can make a story a chore to read. You've got a strong grasp on timing/flow, with none of the posts feeling like they're stretched too long or squeezed in where they shouldn't be. Similarly, your choice of wording and structure of your sentences are both first rate. You've given detail without slipping into purple prose or throwing semicolons and em-dashes around needlessly, which is something I struggle with from time to time.
Something else that I really enjoyed was your dealing with Proto Man's cybernetic nature. It's definitely tricky to write a character who doesn't exactly feel per se, but the fact that you took the time to describe exactly what the characters WEREN'T feeling was personally greatly appreciated. Being that I imagine most people reading these are not gun toting androids, it can be very easy for a writer to lose their audience by not bothering to explain that for example Heat Man's fall injury would have been the kind that could kill a regular person. Since just writing "Heat Man was limping" would not give the reader a true indicating of how bad his injury was, I feel that stuff like this is critically important to feeling 'close' to the characters.
One thing that I'll mention in regards to what I feel might be missing is that maybe a little more time could have gone into Proto Man's journey, as I found myself thinking "Oh man, Heat Man is gonna get the jump on him later on" and then it felt like one post later he had already found Proto Man straight away. I feel like even a single small post in-between would space it out nicely. Like I mentioned above you've got a good handle on pacing so I don't feel like this took much away from the work, just an observation.
Overall, I'd give this a Great ranking, as the word count flies just south of Exemplary. If it had gone on for a few more posts I haven't a doubt in my mind that you'd have made Exemplary.
I don't have any threads that are eligible to submit at this time.
Daniel Wrote:gonna milk the shit out of those milkies
Gildarts Wrote:Sorry if you got diabetes from this, and sorry again if you were offended by that comment because you do have diabetes.
Alex Wrote:clowns don't have marriage rights