05-25-2017, 09:13 PM
“Anything I want…” I muttered quietly to myself, a wide grin splitting my face as I walked back toward the fountain. I had only recently regained consciousness in front of that Trevi knockoff, only to now be told by an ACTUAL Stormtrooper that I could literally reshape reality. Such circumstances usually only seemed plausible after taking one of Kreiger’s latest ‘medicines’. This Omniverse, though, it seemed too…real to be a side-effect of KreigerTussin™. “So many options,” I said, “it’s making my head spin. Or, I guess that could be the scotch.”
I had finally reached the fountain’s edge once more, taking a seat at the edge of the rippling pool. A few moments passed as I weighed my options; it wasn’t like it really mattered what came first, right? If my job was truly to entertain this Omni, I wagered the sky was the limit. I scratched my chin, staring off into the utterly unremarkably whiteness before finally nodding with satisfaction. Yes, that would be the perfect way to start. Setting my keen mind to the task, I focused on my goal.
Splash!
“Wha-”
Moments later my eyes opened slowly to look upon the new arrival, that same wide grin returning to my handsome mug. I watched the bespectacled man thrash in the knee-deep water before clearing my throat, fingers knitted over my lap. “Hello, Cyril.”
“What the hell, Archer? How did I end up in this fountain?” The portly comptroller finally found his feet, shakily standing and trudging to the edge of the pool. “Where...are we?” he inquired, his anger becoming something more akin to fear as he began to notice his surroundings
“You’re in my heaven, Cyril. I created you.” I could barely keep a straight face as the geek’s eyes widened for a moment before narrowing with suspicion. “I am your God, Cyril.”
“Yeah, right. You probably just drugged me and threw me into the water.”
“Again?” My expression briefly changed to amusement before flitting back to mocking tranquility. “No, Cyril. Look around. Vast whiteness. You are my creation. You exist to serve me.”
A pregnant pause hung between us as he glanced around for any indication of falsehood, eyes practically rolling in his head as he attempted to find anything on which to focus his attention Sheer horror overcame the man as he cast his gaze around and the blank surroundings; his mouth fell open as his dumpy face contorting in terror. “What? No...”
“Oh man,” I blurted out, suddenly dissolving into a fit of giggles. “I’m sorry, I can’t. The look on your face!”
Cyril’s gaze hardened as he removed himself from the fountain, water sloshing over the stone edge and pooling at his feet. He tugged his jacket off and began wringing the soggy sleeves between his equally damp hands. “Very funny. Now where are we really, and how did you bring me here?”
“The Omni...verse, or whatever.” I muttered, attempting to recall what the Trooper had told me as I stood up and looking around. “Apparently we’re here to entertain some guy named ‘Omni’. Not very original, naming the whole place after himself.”
“Archer, seriously. Hilarious joke is over.” He reached into his pocket and retrieved a pocketwatch, flicking it open and sighing. “You broke my watch.”
“I’m serious. I mean, the ‘I am your God’ thing was a little over the top, but I did summon you here. So in a way, it is actually true.”
“Archer.” Cyril replied, his face falling flat. “Really. Where are we?”
I got to my feet, holding a finger out to point toward the direction I had ventured. “See them over there? Stormtroopers. Like, from Star Wars.”
“I know what a Stormtrooper is, Archer.”
“You would.” I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest.
“And so would you, apparently.”
“Yes...and also shut up. I talked to them and they told me where we are. I can do anything I want, all to entertain this Omni guy.” I glanced up, as if expecting to see the the grinning face of the creator looking down on me.
“So let’s pretend I believe you,” the soggy stooge began, craning his neck to get a better look at the...nothing around us. “You can do anything you want and you choose to bring me here, just to torture me?”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
He sighed, removing his glasses and rubbing the bridge of his nose. “This is about the Figgis Agency, isn’t it?”
“N-no,” I stammered, fighting back a laugh. “Not at all. No. Why would you think that?”
“Oh god, you’re so full of it. And what, you’re going to summon the rest of us here to play your little game?”
“The rest of you...?”
“You know, Ms. Archer, Pam, Cheryl-”
“Cyril,” I scoffed, “Are you out of your mind? I become an otherworldly deity and you want me to bring Mother along? And I don’t think I even need to explain why bringing those two idiots here would be terrible for everyone.”
“Okay,” Cyril responded, dejectedly taking a seat at the edge of the fountain. “So, Lana then?”
“Are you listening to a word I’m saying?” I snapped, shaking my head. “Anything I want and you think I’m going to summon my ex-girlfriend and our bastard child?”
The dumpy dork fell silent, resting his face in his hands. “So, who else then?”
I paused for a moment before turning my back to him, holding my hands out before me. “My true love.”
“...Who’s that?” I heard from over my shoulder. “Katya?” Cyril asked, confusion in his tone. “Veronica? Burt Reynolds?”
I ignored the inquiry, closing my eyes and concentrating on her. I could see her, FEEL her. Her full, dark body, her soft curves, her rich aroma. I conjured her clearly in my mind’s eye, racing toward me. We would be together again after so much time apart. I could practically hear the dulcet tones of George Michael’s Careless Whisper as I finished the summoning.
“Are you kidding me?”
The comptroller’s words fell on deaf ears as I looked upon her, radiant beauty bringing a tear to my eye. “Genie...I’ve missed you, baby.” I stepped forward, hesitantly laying a hand on the polished metal.
“A car,” Cyril said, incredulously. “You summoned a car.”
“Would you call Kitt just a car, Cyril? Would you call Daniel Day Lewis just an actor?”
“Whatever,” the soggy accountant said dismissively, getting to his feet and approaching the passenger seat. “Where are we g-” he began, reaching for the door handle.
“Hold it,” I commanded, pulling my pistol from inside my suit jacket and pointing it at him. “You’re not getting in the front.”
“Jesus, Archer,” the bespectacled man exclaimed, backing away with his hands raised. “Do you want me to give you two a minute?”
“Oh shut up,” I retorted, pointing to the back seat and pocketing my firearm. “You’re soaked, sit in the back.”
“Are you forgetting the reason I’m soaked?”
“Just get in the fucking car, Cyril.”
I had finally reached the fountain’s edge once more, taking a seat at the edge of the rippling pool. A few moments passed as I weighed my options; it wasn’t like it really mattered what came first, right? If my job was truly to entertain this Omni, I wagered the sky was the limit. I scratched my chin, staring off into the utterly unremarkably whiteness before finally nodding with satisfaction. Yes, that would be the perfect way to start. Setting my keen mind to the task, I focused on my goal.
Splash!
“Wha-”
Moments later my eyes opened slowly to look upon the new arrival, that same wide grin returning to my handsome mug. I watched the bespectacled man thrash in the knee-deep water before clearing my throat, fingers knitted over my lap. “Hello, Cyril.”
“What the hell, Archer? How did I end up in this fountain?” The portly comptroller finally found his feet, shakily standing and trudging to the edge of the pool. “Where...are we?” he inquired, his anger becoming something more akin to fear as he began to notice his surroundings
“You’re in my heaven, Cyril. I created you.” I could barely keep a straight face as the geek’s eyes widened for a moment before narrowing with suspicion. “I am your God, Cyril.”
“Yeah, right. You probably just drugged me and threw me into the water.”
“Again?” My expression briefly changed to amusement before flitting back to mocking tranquility. “No, Cyril. Look around. Vast whiteness. You are my creation. You exist to serve me.”
A pregnant pause hung between us as he glanced around for any indication of falsehood, eyes practically rolling in his head as he attempted to find anything on which to focus his attention Sheer horror overcame the man as he cast his gaze around and the blank surroundings; his mouth fell open as his dumpy face contorting in terror. “What? No...”
“Oh man,” I blurted out, suddenly dissolving into a fit of giggles. “I’m sorry, I can’t. The look on your face!”
Cyril’s gaze hardened as he removed himself from the fountain, water sloshing over the stone edge and pooling at his feet. He tugged his jacket off and began wringing the soggy sleeves between his equally damp hands. “Very funny. Now where are we really, and how did you bring me here?”
“The Omni...verse, or whatever.” I muttered, attempting to recall what the Trooper had told me as I stood up and looking around. “Apparently we’re here to entertain some guy named ‘Omni’. Not very original, naming the whole place after himself.”
“Archer, seriously. Hilarious joke is over.” He reached into his pocket and retrieved a pocketwatch, flicking it open and sighing. “You broke my watch.”
“I’m serious. I mean, the ‘I am your God’ thing was a little over the top, but I did summon you here. So in a way, it is actually true.”
“Archer.” Cyril replied, his face falling flat. “Really. Where are we?”
I got to my feet, holding a finger out to point toward the direction I had ventured. “See them over there? Stormtroopers. Like, from Star Wars.”
“I know what a Stormtrooper is, Archer.”
“You would.” I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest.
“And so would you, apparently.”
“Yes...and also shut up. I talked to them and they told me where we are. I can do anything I want, all to entertain this Omni guy.” I glanced up, as if expecting to see the the grinning face of the creator looking down on me.
“So let’s pretend I believe you,” the soggy stooge began, craning his neck to get a better look at the...nothing around us. “You can do anything you want and you choose to bring me here, just to torture me?”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
He sighed, removing his glasses and rubbing the bridge of his nose. “This is about the Figgis Agency, isn’t it?”
“N-no,” I stammered, fighting back a laugh. “Not at all. No. Why would you think that?”
“Oh god, you’re so full of it. And what, you’re going to summon the rest of us here to play your little game?”
“The rest of you...?”
“You know, Ms. Archer, Pam, Cheryl-”
“Cyril,” I scoffed, “Are you out of your mind? I become an otherworldly deity and you want me to bring Mother along? And I don’t think I even need to explain why bringing those two idiots here would be terrible for everyone.”
“Okay,” Cyril responded, dejectedly taking a seat at the edge of the fountain. “So, Lana then?”
“Are you listening to a word I’m saying?” I snapped, shaking my head. “Anything I want and you think I’m going to summon my ex-girlfriend and our bastard child?”
The dumpy dork fell silent, resting his face in his hands. “So, who else then?”
I paused for a moment before turning my back to him, holding my hands out before me. “My true love.”
“...Who’s that?” I heard from over my shoulder. “Katya?” Cyril asked, confusion in his tone. “Veronica? Burt Reynolds?”
I ignored the inquiry, closing my eyes and concentrating on her. I could see her, FEEL her. Her full, dark body, her soft curves, her rich aroma. I conjured her clearly in my mind’s eye, racing toward me. We would be together again after so much time apart. I could practically hear the dulcet tones of George Michael’s Careless Whisper as I finished the summoning.
“Are you kidding me?”
The comptroller’s words fell on deaf ears as I looked upon her, radiant beauty bringing a tear to my eye. “Genie...I’ve missed you, baby.” I stepped forward, hesitantly laying a hand on the polished metal.
“A car,” Cyril said, incredulously. “You summoned a car.”
“Would you call Kitt just a car, Cyril? Would you call Daniel Day Lewis just an actor?”
“Whatever,” the soggy accountant said dismissively, getting to his feet and approaching the passenger seat. “Where are we g-” he began, reaching for the door handle.
“Hold it,” I commanded, pulling my pistol from inside my suit jacket and pointing it at him. “You’re not getting in the front.”
“Jesus, Archer,” the bespectacled man exclaimed, backing away with his hands raised. “Do you want me to give you two a minute?”
“Oh shut up,” I retorted, pointing to the back seat and pocketing my firearm. “You’re soaked, sit in the back.”
“Are you forgetting the reason I’m soaked?”
“Just get in the fucking car, Cyril.”
![[Image: sterling-archer.jpg]](https://hollywoodhatesme.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/sterling-archer.jpg)