NEO HYPER Book Club #1 (14-28 May)

[Jim Raynor]

I'd like to break up my review into the parts I think you did well in, and the parts I think you need improvement. Some of my improvement parts are more based on personal preference so they can be taken or disregarded.

The Good

I think a lot of your positive points become clear quickly. Your writing is simple and easily understood while managing to paint clear and vivid portraits of what is going on. I think this is a hard line to walk since too plain and the writing is a chore to read but too fancy and the story gets lost among the prose. You strike a great balance between the two and that's something I don't see a whole lot of. It may be me, but I sometimes have trouble picturing physical spaces that the characters walk around in (in any writing, that is) but I didn't find that with you.

You also know your characters very well. Proto Man's desire for justice and the quandry he encounters when he learns the full truth from Heat Man and selling that effectively comes from a deep knowledge of the cyborg, and that shows. It's also gratifying to see the supporting cast so fleshed out; especially Heat Man, who really felt like a tangible person with his own desires, rather than some sacrificial lamb to provide sadness and conflict for Proto Man. Their discussions about their new, uncertain lives in the Omniverse while in the cave really drives that home, and showcases that among the circuits and metal that they're really quite human and experience human issues, even if they might not label it as such.

The pacing is also well done. This is something I feel I need to work on, so I've taken notes on how you've done it. The story moves at a good speed, not spending time on areas that don't need it, while also keeping the story fleshed out, motivations clear, and the plot focused. There's something refreshing about reading a story that knows when to pull on the brakes and when to hit the accelerator and it can be a tough science, but you know what you're doing here.

Same goes for dialogue. It never feels hackneyed or cliche, it flows well, and best of all, it really sells each of your characters. Again praise for Heat Man, as I felt his speech was really top notch.

The Bad

As I said before, judging by how people on this site rate writing that they enjoy, I may be overly critical about certain aspects that may not matter but as it's my critique, I get to say them, so there! These are mostly from me studying writing rules too much and may not apply, so grain of salt and all that.

I think cutting out some words that don't add to the story would help with the flow better. It's not really often, but spots like:

Unfortunately for the pair of robots, Heat Man only managed to make it thirty yards before his bad leg gave out beneath him.

Everything before "Heat Man only managed ..." doesn't need to be there. It takes me out of the story somewhat, making me realise I'm actually reading a story, rather than being in the story. And the sentence doesn't really add anything; we know that the fleeing Heat Man's leg failing is not good news for him.

By this point, Cell Delta had overcome his initial surprise at being assaulted by the preteen machine. The older warrior rolled sideways to avoid the first few pellets of energy.

Again, this feels more like telling us something that Proto Man wouldn't know from his point of view, or at least something that could be described to us from actual actions. It could either be left out entirely and not affect the flow or meaning of the fight, or reworded to something like "Cell Delta shot from the floor swiftly, and ..." It's nothing major, but certain sentences like this, if written to be more about the observations of the protagonist, help pull me in more.

I thought I had more to say for constructive critique, but that's all that's coming to me, so well done! I really enjoyed it and reading it was rewarding. I'll think I'll be checking out more from this series. Also, I endorse this thread for a Great bonus.