05-17-2017, 12:41 PM
Book club #1
Family of Steel
(Dwayne “the Rock” is definitely included)
Not sure how I feel knowing someone could get a reward, or none based on my review but I'll deal with this fact. I liked this piece a lot, it was swift and I felt like the story carried well, and left me wanting more. Great bonus seems to fit it sufficiently, my reasons being that I feel it meets the criteria as it was well thought out, has charming subtleties that I feel make a story great.
The starting off dialogue is light and bubbly, friendly and delightful. Looking at some of the wording in this thread I can see places where you’ve grown, it is not such an outstanding “before and after” but a gradual incline of more incorporation of growth in style and details. Hopefully you take that in the positive way that I mean it, as I have read a decent portion of your work on the OV here and it is filed away up in my brain somewhere and usually just remember your more recent work.
The story felt like a pleasant and swift read for me because you broke it up nicely with well-tempered spouts of witty, sassy, and tasteful dialogue which didn’t bog down the story. The narration is down to earth and also has that base layer that I feel comes off as knowing what is under every rock in the Ashen Stepps, but you don’t let on, nor make it feel as your characters do. Example: “If you travel half a day to the northeast of here, you’ll find a confluence of lava rivers. Whole rivers of free-flowing, molten rock. They display all the traits of water and have their own macroinvertebrate populations.” Particularly “a half day” it just makes sense. Locals wouldn’t necessarily tell you how many miles, because they wouldn’t likely know off the top of their head, but they do know the time it takes to get there. Subtle placement and tell of detail but I just found it was a good morsel of brilliance and it struck my not often tapped into common sense.
“The smile on Heat Man’s face melted away to reveal an expression you’d expect to see one someone’s face if you tripped them or kicked their dog” this is my new favorite line by you, to the abyss with Karl Jak! I was amused and silently laughed as I imagined it in real time and liked how you didn’t simplify the emotion in the expression to just one word.
I liked how the plot steadily grew into a climax, and wasn’t immediately obvious to the reader. I liked the incorporation of environment (personal preference) and how subtly and skillfully the threat of volcanic destruction became plot. Also that was one hell of a way Heat Man went out and it felt like it stuck to character as a choice he would make, prioritizing the “greater good” or many can survive over one sacrifice. Both times.
[spoiler]Submission for next book club: Alliances forged in blood, it’d be nice to have feedback on my own work and a collaboration at the same time. If there's anything to be improved in the department feel free to include it. To my knowledge we already received Participation bonus on this topic.
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...8#pid27668
Total character count including spaces (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera):75915
Total word count (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera):13128
Quest or Personal Storyline? Personal/prequest
Participating characters (please list):Isaac, Christa
Submitting Reason: it was fun to write with this partner [/spoiler]
Family of Steel
(Dwayne “the Rock” is definitely included)
Not sure how I feel knowing someone could get a reward, or none based on my review but I'll deal with this fact. I liked this piece a lot, it was swift and I felt like the story carried well, and left me wanting more. Great bonus seems to fit it sufficiently, my reasons being that I feel it meets the criteria as it was well thought out, has charming subtleties that I feel make a story great.
The starting off dialogue is light and bubbly, friendly and delightful. Looking at some of the wording in this thread I can see places where you’ve grown, it is not such an outstanding “before and after” but a gradual incline of more incorporation of growth in style and details. Hopefully you take that in the positive way that I mean it, as I have read a decent portion of your work on the OV here and it is filed away up in my brain somewhere and usually just remember your more recent work.
The story felt like a pleasant and swift read for me because you broke it up nicely with well-tempered spouts of witty, sassy, and tasteful dialogue which didn’t bog down the story. The narration is down to earth and also has that base layer that I feel comes off as knowing what is under every rock in the Ashen Stepps, but you don’t let on, nor make it feel as your characters do. Example: “If you travel half a day to the northeast of here, you’ll find a confluence of lava rivers. Whole rivers of free-flowing, molten rock. They display all the traits of water and have their own macroinvertebrate populations.” Particularly “a half day” it just makes sense. Locals wouldn’t necessarily tell you how many miles, because they wouldn’t likely know off the top of their head, but they do know the time it takes to get there. Subtle placement and tell of detail but I just found it was a good morsel of brilliance and it struck my not often tapped into common sense.
“The smile on Heat Man’s face melted away to reveal an expression you’d expect to see one someone’s face if you tripped them or kicked their dog” this is my new favorite line by you, to the abyss with Karl Jak! I was amused and silently laughed as I imagined it in real time and liked how you didn’t simplify the emotion in the expression to just one word.
I liked how the plot steadily grew into a climax, and wasn’t immediately obvious to the reader. I liked the incorporation of environment (personal preference) and how subtly and skillfully the threat of volcanic destruction became plot. Also that was one hell of a way Heat Man went out and it felt like it stuck to character as a choice he would make, prioritizing the “greater good” or many can survive over one sacrifice. Both times.
[spoiler]Submission for next book club: Alliances forged in blood, it’d be nice to have feedback on my own work and a collaboration at the same time. If there's anything to be improved in the department feel free to include it. To my knowledge we already received Participation bonus on this topic.
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...8#pid27668
Total character count including spaces (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera):75915
Total word count (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera):13128
Quest or Personal Storyline? Personal/prequest
Participating characters (please list):Isaac, Christa
Submitting Reason: it was fun to write with this partner [/spoiler]
![[Image: -Gildarts-fairy-tail-35651033-300-180.gif]](http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/35600000/-Gildarts-fairy-tail-35651033-300-180.gif)
"I have never met a strong person with an easy past." -Atticus