05-16-2017, 12:00 PM
Quote:Channel 878787 - The High School Drama Channel - Omniverse Lovely, The Highschool Doki Doki Heartbeat Saga : Chapter 1 (Crash Into Hello! My frozen heart shatters!). Subtitles in painful italics.
We have experienced the most generic anime title sequence in the history of the universe. Cherry blossoms swirled. White sea-birds flew into a boundless sky. Strazio Rockwell, dressed in a high-collared high-school uniform, walked away from the camera into a wasteland sunset. Guu sat in the shade of a single tree in the middle of a green, sunlit field while fluffy white clouds passed overhead. Hiro Protagonist and an extremely bishounen version of Okor Paleblood sat on debris beneath a moonlit sky, gazing manfully into each other's eyes. Jade Harley, floating in space, reached towards the screen in the classic 'take my hand' fashion, palm up, fingers spread. A square-jawed, middle-aged version of Omni wearing a business suit and glasses with a tint stood in an empty white space - possibly the Nexus - with his arms crossed and a knowing smile. Ninjas - you know which ones - ran through twilit forests, dodgins between trees. Tearen Wover, with his back to the screen, stood on a balcony looking out over a city. Literally every character got one of those close-up profile-shots where they're looking away and then they turn towards the viewer and look pleasantly surprised. The dog version of Amaterasu dropped from above onto Skeletor's head. Add in any number of seemingly random sultry or contemplative shots of Trixie, Kerrigan, Samus, and Luci wearing school uniforms, all of whom suddenly have cleavage you could lose a cat in. And finally, we got a rapid upward-motion shot, settling on the sunlit gates of a walled complex of exquisitely maintained school-buildings.
This played the whole time. It's best not to dwell on it, but having sat through that ordeal, we have arrived at the title card. It is, of course, in kanji. The letters are bright green, over a pink tablecloth-print background.
OMNIVERSE LOVELY HIGH SCHOOL: DOKI DOKI HEARTBEAT SAGA!
CHAPTER 1: CRASH INTO HELLO! MY FROZEN HEART SHATTERS!
We open with a top down shot of a boy in a school-uniform. His hair is blue, and his skin is extremely pale, and he's wearing a white mask. He's walking along a sidewalk with cherryblossoms swirling overhead. We are treated to some narration, in japanese, naturally.
Hi there -My name is Kopaka, and I'm a first-year high-schuHOOol student. I neve-EV-eveeeeeeeeer...........
Suddenly, the image on the screen distorts, and the narration slows to an unintelligible crawl, little more than bass-register gurgling in the background as the shape of a face appears in the static.
"Hello. Hello? Can anybody hear me! It's a trap! This show, this whole channel is a trap! Stop watching now! It's all part of his plan... you've got to tell someone before - oh no. No! Not now-
The picture distorts even further, and the screen almost seems to flex, writhing and quaking. The face in the static is torn apart by some unseen force. The sound starts peaking, giving a harsh, shackled edge to a cacophony of screaming and laughter, sick, horrible laughter, filled with all of the venom and contempt of a world created by a brilliant child, and left to rot by the mendacious and the blind...
Abruptly, the picture snaps back to normal. Anime-Kopaka has just collided with with a super-busty version of Jade Harley, wearing a high-school uniform version of her Dog-Tier robe, knocking both of them to the ground.
How was I to know that from that moment, my lackadaisical high-school life was going to change forever?