05-07-2018, 06:37 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-07-2018, 10:15 PM by Wyatt the Swift.)
(04-30-2018, 08:00 PM)Taloc Wrote: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=9779
Personal Storyline
Participating characters (please list):
Taloc Sa'Koro
Total character count including spaces: 24,544 characters
Total word count: 4,464 words
Hayaidesu (Dust)
Total character count including spaces: 9,601 characters
Total word count: 1,757 words
You both get participation bonus and Taloc gets the Great Bonus as well. My comments for Taloc can be found down below.
Taloc = 490.88
Dust = 96.01
[spoiler]
Quote: No outsider has the skill or knowledge to do anything like this. Not even close. Whoever did this was exceptionally skilled as well
Your first sentence implies this feeling. When you say it again it seems kinda like your holding the readers hand. This would be much better without one of the sentences here.
Also oh shit. This flashback or whatever it is, is really cool. You do a good job of creating sympathy within the reader.
Oh wait shit. This is your first post?!?!?!? Excelent job. I was thinking that you were having a flashback. Good job
Quote: sheer revulsion rockets
rockets is a tad awkward. I never think of feelings rocketing
God damn you are excelent at personifiying your weapons as creepy.
Quote: Time ticks by with little changing until, at last, the cocoon of pulsating rainbow light fades to reveal a cloak of a deep forest brown and scarf to matchthis is good. I like this sentence
Quote: “Fountain Fresh indeed… Summon one, shouldn’t take more than a few minutes.”This made me laugh a bit
Overall you have excelent writing and I can't wait to read more of your stuff! [/spoiler]
I'll be updating your logs shortly. Note to self http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...#pid130526 is the next in line