04-24-2017, 08:59 AM
(This post was last modified: 04-24-2017, 10:42 AM by Kelly MacAryn.)
I've been avoiding posting in this thread for a couple of reasons. Most of the advice I could give has already been given by people more personable and eloquent than myself, and frankly, I'm just plain bad at opening up to other people. I can almost never tell if I'm genuinely liked, or if I'm just being tolerated, and that makes the whole prospect of non-flippant social interaction - especially regarding this particular topic - seem daunting...but here it goes.
I have moderate-to-severe clinical depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and generalized anxiety. I have panic-attacks, and I'll sometimes get stuck on a detail or aspect of a conversation or situation, spiraling inward as I nitpick it to death - a tendency that got so bad during a recent low-period (see: my slowdown in posting after Darkshire, just before I went on vacation) that it almost exploded my marriage. My wife thinks I might actually be manic-depressive, because sometimes I'll get REALLY positive, and during those times my energy and focus can be frightening (see: my daily output when I first joined this site), and other times I'll end up showing combinations of the two extremes - like doing a bunch of push-ups and sit-ups while crying at nothing and drinking beer (which I hate) - But the manic side of it has never been formally diagnosed.
I've been dealing with the depression in particular (which is, after all, the topic of this thread) for fourteen years, and I've been suicidal a few times, though I've never actually made the attempt. Tearen's thoughts on the subject of medication are very similar to mine, and the general consensus about the importance of talking is spot-on. One thing that depression does is make you feel like talking about it is pointless, because nobody could understand how you're feeling, and even if they did then they probably wouldn't care. However, if you don't talk about it, you just end up feeling more isolated, and it eats away at you, separating you from the people who might otherwise offer you help.
The most important part of my learning to cope with this disease was my therapist. It took a few tries to find the right one - there are a lot of really terrible psychiatrists in Wisconsin - but if you can find one who will ask the right questions instead of sitting there and staring at you like you're a strange, sad, angry species of exotic deep-sea fish, they can help. Depression is a kind of neurological trap, and the worst part of it is that relentless sensation of helplessness - the feeling that your situation is just inescapable and nothing you do will improve things. Given time, a good therapist might not pull you out of it, but they can show you where the door is.
Regarding specific coping mechanisms, the biggest one for me personally has been training in Taekwon Do. Aside from the general psychological benefits of regular exercise, the feelings of advancement, and of having achievable goals that were within my ability were invaluable. It gave an added element of structure to my life - something I can point to when I feel like I'm stuck at the bottom of a very deep hole and the rest of the world is standing at the top dropping buckets of garbage on my head and say "I improved myself today, and tomorrow things will change." When I'm practicing, everything else just stops being important, and all the self-criticism and horror at the world around me becomes focused on my technique - and my technique is something I can improve. Additionally, it provided a context for me to interact with people on a regular basis in a way that didn't involve me looming in terrified silence, which eventually led to me being a viable social entity instead of the closest thing to a space-alien. Without it, I don't think I ever would have finished college, or gotten married, and if I'm being completely honest I probably would have driven my car off a bridge. I certainly thought about it often enough.
I think, really, that's the most important part. Like Kanda said, you have to find something that you can use to not just distract yourself from the bad things, but to pull yourself into the future. The hardest part of that, though, is figuring out where to look. I'd imagine its different for everybody, and what worked for me might not work for you, but the key is to keep looking. Being depressed forces you into a bubble. Trying new things helps you break out.
The only other thing I really have to say is that the people in this thread are right, Greg. You've created something very special with this website, and you've brought together a very unique community of very creative people. Even those of us who haven't spoken with you very much love you for that, and we're willing to offer you any kind of help you may need. I believe that one of the best ways to judge a person, both in real life and online, is to look at the kind of people they attract, and in that respect you're doing a pretty fine job.
I have moderate-to-severe clinical depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and generalized anxiety. I have panic-attacks, and I'll sometimes get stuck on a detail or aspect of a conversation or situation, spiraling inward as I nitpick it to death - a tendency that got so bad during a recent low-period (see: my slowdown in posting after Darkshire, just before I went on vacation) that it almost exploded my marriage. My wife thinks I might actually be manic-depressive, because sometimes I'll get REALLY positive, and during those times my energy and focus can be frightening (see: my daily output when I first joined this site), and other times I'll end up showing combinations of the two extremes - like doing a bunch of push-ups and sit-ups while crying at nothing and drinking beer (which I hate) - But the manic side of it has never been formally diagnosed.
I've been dealing with the depression in particular (which is, after all, the topic of this thread) for fourteen years, and I've been suicidal a few times, though I've never actually made the attempt. Tearen's thoughts on the subject of medication are very similar to mine, and the general consensus about the importance of talking is spot-on. One thing that depression does is make you feel like talking about it is pointless, because nobody could understand how you're feeling, and even if they did then they probably wouldn't care. However, if you don't talk about it, you just end up feeling more isolated, and it eats away at you, separating you from the people who might otherwise offer you help.
The most important part of my learning to cope with this disease was my therapist. It took a few tries to find the right one - there are a lot of really terrible psychiatrists in Wisconsin - but if you can find one who will ask the right questions instead of sitting there and staring at you like you're a strange, sad, angry species of exotic deep-sea fish, they can help. Depression is a kind of neurological trap, and the worst part of it is that relentless sensation of helplessness - the feeling that your situation is just inescapable and nothing you do will improve things. Given time, a good therapist might not pull you out of it, but they can show you where the door is.
Regarding specific coping mechanisms, the biggest one for me personally has been training in Taekwon Do. Aside from the general psychological benefits of regular exercise, the feelings of advancement, and of having achievable goals that were within my ability were invaluable. It gave an added element of structure to my life - something I can point to when I feel like I'm stuck at the bottom of a very deep hole and the rest of the world is standing at the top dropping buckets of garbage on my head and say "I improved myself today, and tomorrow things will change." When I'm practicing, everything else just stops being important, and all the self-criticism and horror at the world around me becomes focused on my technique - and my technique is something I can improve. Additionally, it provided a context for me to interact with people on a regular basis in a way that didn't involve me looming in terrified silence, which eventually led to me being a viable social entity instead of the closest thing to a space-alien. Without it, I don't think I ever would have finished college, or gotten married, and if I'm being completely honest I probably would have driven my car off a bridge. I certainly thought about it often enough.
I think, really, that's the most important part. Like Kanda said, you have to find something that you can use to not just distract yourself from the bad things, but to pull yourself into the future. The hardest part of that, though, is figuring out where to look. I'd imagine its different for everybody, and what worked for me might not work for you, but the key is to keep looking. Being depressed forces you into a bubble. Trying new things helps you break out.
The only other thing I really have to say is that the people in this thread are right, Greg. You've created something very special with this website, and you've brought together a very unique community of very creative people. Even those of us who haven't spoken with you very much love you for that, and we're willing to offer you any kind of help you may need. I believe that one of the best ways to judge a person, both in real life and online, is to look at the kind of people they attract, and in that respect you're doing a pretty fine job.