Let's Read: Book Club Vols #2, 4, 5, 7, 8

[Proto Man]

I'll probably do the other two next week(end)

Chosen UNDEAD

I’ll start with the lame, grammar-related nitpicks. First thing is that I’d keep a bottle on ellipses. They’re nice to throw in every once in a while, but if you overdo it, they lose the flair. I think you’re pretty great when it comes to your language choice, but (to nitpick grammar) some of your sentences were huge and came off as run-offy. I feel like it may have benefitted you to cut up some of your longer sentences into smaller thoughts. So many commas. I had a buddy who had a love affair with commas.

And he’s dead now. At least ORL (Out-of Real Lyfe).

Okay… back on track now. I enjoyed that you: A) Kept the Omni/Intro speech short and B) Utilized the whole ‘Fountain of Life resembles nearby primes’ fact. I think you may have over-done it a little (the Fountain read as something massive in your posts), but I liked the personal flair.

When it comes to new members, I think you have genuinely done the best at portraying the summoning process. Most people just gloss over it, but you actually addressed it in an organic way that held fast and true to the established canon. You also gave it a very epic sense, despite the fact that he’s just summoning a sword and shield. My staffer persona gives you bonus points.

Very awesome setup and introduction. I have no clue who Chosen Undead is, and I also didn’t have any idea what any of those references to names and organizations and places was either. And honestly, the fact that I didn’t know didn’t impact a thing.

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Perhaps I Made a Wrong Turn

(Gherron) – Might be a nitpick, but I think you have to capitalize ‘the Force.’ Make sure you purchase Telekinesis before using it again. As a fan of jedis and Coruscant in general, I like the character, and I look forward to how he reacts to arriving in the Omniverse version of Coruscant.

(Fawlkin) – While I have no qualms with people writing in various tenses, I think you should always at least match your style to the partner you have. Also, keep an eye on your grammar. You missed out on some apostrophes and commas. Otherwise, you have an interesting character.

(Both) – I enjoyed how different these two characters are, and how you managed to play into that. It made their back-and-forth quite entertaining, especially due to the short posts, which allowed the reader to rapidly get different insights. I enjoyed that you two just talked and discussed your new world, rather than bothering in insert any pointless action or drama between the two. This just read as two confused dudes trying to work through an issue, and I look forward to seeing if your interesting and unorthodox pairing continues into the future.