04-02-2017, 08:16 AM
Everything Kanda said is great and perfect, so I'm going to focus on the other side of addressing this.
I've been dealing with moderate clinical depression and anxiety for several years now, and I've come within inches killing myself about three times. Suicidal episodes are more of an acute situation that require an immediate solution, which is usually to call a suicide prevention hotline. It's not as bad as it sounds.
There is no 'acceptable' level of thoughts to have about self-harm, so the minute it starts happening you need to get in touch with someone who cares about you. I know you feel like you may have alienated your friends and family, but if you can't bring yourself to call a hotline call one of them. It will feel like the worst most insufferable thing in the moment, but you've already proven that you don't want to give in to these thoughts by talking to us about it. So it's better to swallow the bitter people and let people who are close to you know. You'll probably be surprised by how supportive they are , despite whatever problems exist between you.
For real though, I'm serious.
Speaking of bitter pills, don't give up on the medication after just one prescription. It took a few tries for me to find an antidepressant that worked well for me. Brain chemistry and toleranes are different for everyone, but in my case I take 450 mg of Bupropion (a generic of Wellbutrin) every day in the morning. It took about five days to really kick in, but everything was exponentially easier to deal with when it did.
At first I was bitching about how I thought the pills (I also take anti anxiety meds) were going to fuck with my creativity and dumb down my thoughts but that line of thinking is pretty bullshit and not remotely true. If anything, the pills made thinking and focusing easier, and my creative pursuits became much more earnest._
Long story short, Depression feels like this indomitable thing when you're in it, but objectively it's a medical condition that is very treatable with doctors and medicine. In the meantime, though, if weed and videogames keep you going then do what you need to. Just don't think I'm enabling you; you just need to keep yourself alive long enough to arrive at some actual solutions.
I wrote this a while ago and I'm better at dealing with my depressive thoughts now, but maybe this will give you some insight into how to approach dealing with these kinds of thoughts. Personally I acknowledge that the self-hatred and apathy I feel are not my actual thoughts and that my depression is basically a seperate entity in my head trying to kill me. It sounds a bit nuts, but, it's important to realize that depression is not a natural part of your mind. Looking at the disease as an antagonistic force is a good start towards ignoring and eliminating the thought patterns it generates.
http://tearen-and-zearen.deviantart.com/...-576500872
I've been dealing with moderate clinical depression and anxiety for several years now, and I've come within inches killing myself about three times. Suicidal episodes are more of an acute situation that require an immediate solution, which is usually to call a suicide prevention hotline. It's not as bad as it sounds.
There is no 'acceptable' level of thoughts to have about self-harm, so the minute it starts happening you need to get in touch with someone who cares about you. I know you feel like you may have alienated your friends and family, but if you can't bring yourself to call a hotline call one of them. It will feel like the worst most insufferable thing in the moment, but you've already proven that you don't want to give in to these thoughts by talking to us about it. So it's better to swallow the bitter people and let people who are close to you know. You'll probably be surprised by how supportive they are , despite whatever problems exist between you.
For real though, I'm serious.
Speaking of bitter pills, don't give up on the medication after just one prescription. It took a few tries for me to find an antidepressant that worked well for me. Brain chemistry and toleranes are different for everyone, but in my case I take 450 mg of Bupropion (a generic of Wellbutrin) every day in the morning. It took about five days to really kick in, but everything was exponentially easier to deal with when it did.
At first I was bitching about how I thought the pills (I also take anti anxiety meds) were going to fuck with my creativity and dumb down my thoughts but that line of thinking is pretty bullshit and not remotely true. If anything, the pills made thinking and focusing easier, and my creative pursuits became much more earnest._
Long story short, Depression feels like this indomitable thing when you're in it, but objectively it's a medical condition that is very treatable with doctors and medicine. In the meantime, though, if weed and videogames keep you going then do what you need to. Just don't think I'm enabling you; you just need to keep yourself alive long enough to arrive at some actual solutions.
I wrote this a while ago and I'm better at dealing with my depressive thoughts now, but maybe this will give you some insight into how to approach dealing with these kinds of thoughts. Personally I acknowledge that the self-hatred and apathy I feel are not my actual thoughts and that my depression is basically a seperate entity in my head trying to kill me. It sounds a bit nuts, but, it's important to realize that depression is not a natural part of your mind. Looking at the disease as an antagonistic force is a good start towards ignoring and eliminating the thought patterns it generates.
http://tearen-and-zearen.deviantart.com/...-576500872
And, we dream of home I dream of life out of here Their dreams are small My dreams don't know fear I got my heart full of hope I will change everything No matter what I'm told How impossible it seems We did it before And we'll do it again We're indestructible Even when we're tired And we've been here before Just you and I
Don't try to rescue me I don't need to be rescued
Don't try to rescue me I don't need to be rescued