Deadpool's c&c

[Deadpool]

JAK MAR

I'll be breaking your c&c down by the post, since there are multiple ones.

POST 1

Whitewashed walls of concrete surrounded the long eared Commander as he gave a grunt of annoyance. Sitting in a cell with a aquamarine like glow was not a fun thing. But Erol was luckily stupid enough not to care what prison the blue tattooed like commander was thrown into, he had no specifications.


Oh well, the old Krimzon guard Commander would regret it later.
The daylight coming through barely came as the stormtroopers came by in groups of two  in groups with a blaster.

It took some time for Torn to think of the old habitable patterns of the Krimzon guard back home. He remembered they liked to move in pairs of two and how he even sent out the weirder Freedom guard back home in groups of diamond shape.

If he could predict movement patterns, he could possibly make a break for

He was a major standout, he had to do something about that.

But none of the other prisoners around Empire prison #321 knew the way out, right?”
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During “breaktime”, there was a outdoor wall around the usual break area and the usual breaks were stopped by a blaster shot to the head.

Torn had picked up a few unlikely allies during his “time”. Him and his buddies were silently eying the guard’s movements and notice how the other prisoners tried to climb the wall but failed.

Drakin bent over and whispered into the tattooed warrior’s long ears “So i heard ya’ are planning a big one, are ya?”

Torn frowned ‘Shh, not here.”

Drakin nodded and nodded his pal “Sure, Tattoo.”

Krack turned and nodded, silently turning to Torn, with silent ways of pointing to his foot saying he had a map of the place before he came here. He would give it to the long eared man in exchange for getting them out.

Ok, for the most part I can get the idea of what's going on in this post: you're imprisoned, and you're trying to decipher the two guards' patrol route, so you can pick the best time to escape.

I think where some of the confusion comes in is how your structured the sentences, and how each paragraph transitions to the next. For this, I will be giving you an example of how I would have written it, so you can get an idea of how much clearer you can get your point(s) across without totally changing what you want to do.
Below, is how I wrote out the scene (done in italics):


Torn grunted in annoyance as he surveyed the whitewashed, concrete walls surrounding him. Sitting in a cell that glowed aquamarine was not fun, especially for his eyes. But luckily that bastard, Erol, was too stupid to care what prison the commander was thrown into. He had no specifications. Oh well, the old Krimson Guard commander would regret it later.

Daylight arrived, but barely came through into the cell. Yet it was enough for Torn to see stormtroopers occasionally walk by in groups of two, carrying blasters. It took some time for Torn to think of the old, habitual formation patterns that the Krimson Guard used back home. They moved in pairs, as well. The commander preferred diamond-shaped formations for his Freedom Guard.

If he could predict their route pattern, perhaps he could find an opening, and make a break for an escape. But he knew that he'd be a major standout . . . he had to do something about that. Did none of the other prisoners know of a way out?

---------------------------------

During "break time", all of the prisoners were usually allowed outside. Tall walls surrounded the yard, and it wasn't uncommon for the sound of a blaster shot to interrupt the activity, hitting someone in the head who was trying to climb over.

Torn had picked up a few allies during his stint in prison.  They all stood together, eyeing the guards' movements and tendencies.

Darkin leaned over and whispered into the commander's ears, "So I heard you're planning a big one, are ya?"

Torn frowned. "Ssh, not here."

"Sure, Tattoo," Darkin replied, and then nodded to the third person among them.

Knack nodded back. He looked to Torn before glancing at his own foot, and gesturing that he had a map.

Torn guessed he wanted to make a deal. His map for a part in the commander's escape plan.



I tried to stay as accurate as possible to the wording you used in the post. Also, I tried not to overwhelm you with a punch of punctuation marks. What I did do here, however, is try to reassemble your sentences, and even combine some of them. As you can see, this simple trick really made the narrative much easier to follow--you get idea of who's who, and what the plot is.




POST 2

Krack, a shorter eared elf, who was a bit more bigger boned than Torn himself, and Drakin who was skinner and was more a human who looked like a man who used to run in the olympics, had a tattoo underneath his arm.

Torn himself, had neatly formed brown dreadlocks in rows held by different beads of sorts, along with tattoos of the Krimzon guard back in his world on his face and visibly on his ears. He was glad to have a few guys on his side in the Omniverse but he was always cautious of new faces no matter the cost.

He did run a rebellion at one time. He knew to take people at face value and observe their strengths and weaknesses that could be used to help the cause. But since being in the Omniverse, it was a mess of problems following each other between Erol turning into a asshole, he trying to fight out of a empire prison with a few “friends” and finding Jak after all the mess.

The dreadlocked man eyed his two friends “Have you heard of a guy named Jak?”

Krack eyed Torn and blinked “There’s somethin’ on tv about Dante’s Abyss, I think he’s still in it.”

Drakin groaned “You mean that fighting tournament they hype up every year?”

Krack nods “Yeah that.”

Torn frowned “So wait, he’s there again? And he’s actually surviving this time?”

Drakin nodded “It says here he’s one of the final fights. If we can get out of here, take us to meet him.”

Torn gritted his teeth “Get us out first, then we’ll talk about it.”

Drakin grinned and nudged Torn “Why is this Jak guy important to ya?”

Torn frowned knowing this was coming “He’s a old friend of mine.”

Krack said “He doesn’t want to be bothered, let it go, Drakin.”

“Fine, Fine. I’m not going to step on anyone’s toes, got it.”

Knack was a short elf, but bigger boned than Torn himself. Drakin, who had a tattoo under his arm, was the skinner of the two, and appeared more human. He looked like he used to be an Olympic runner.

Torn himself, had  brown, neatly formed dreadlocks, which were encased by beads of different sorts. Blue tattoos of the Crimson Guard were on his face and ears.

He was glad to have a few guys on his side in the Omniverse, but knew to be cautious of new faces no matter what. He had run a rebellion at one time, and knew not to take others on face value, but rather observe their strengths and weaknesses to decide if they could help the cause. But so far in the Omniverse he hadn't had the time to do that. After the mess with Erol becoming an asshole, he was forced to trust these 'friends' as a way to escape the Empire's prison, and hopefully meet with Jak afterwards.

Jak . . .

Torn eyed his two comrades. "Have you guys heard of the name Jak before?"

Knack blinked. "There's something on TV about Dante's Abyss," he replied. "I think he's still in it."

"You mean that fighting tournament?" Drakin asked, groaning.

Knack nodded. "Yeah, that."

"So he's there again, and actually surviving this time?" Torn asked.

Drakin grinned, and nudged the commander. "Why's this Jak guy so important to ya?"

Torn frowned, knowing the question would eventually come. "He's an old friend of mine."

"It said he was in one of the final fights," Knack answered. "If we make it out of here, you take us to meet him?"

"Let's get out first, then we'll talk about it."


Basically same thing as the first post. Also, I changed some of the dialogue here at the end--shortened it, and rearranged a little of who said what. I think it made the interaction less confusion.




Overall, in both posts, I understood what was going on. The only issues I had were with deciphering the details of things.