11-29-2014, 01:41 AM
Sorry these are so short. My analytical side is really buried deep for some reason… I hope it’s still helpful!
Revelations
Despite not fully knowing the backstory behind certain things, it was still an entertaining read. I liked Magus’ interactions with omnilirium, him summoning his clothing, him summoning a Pegasus to ride. Magus’ internal thought processes were fun, like his reaction to Abigail watching you change was funny, and him wondering if a mount is still around when you aren’t was great.
I liked the atmospheric descriptions of the hovel. A bed of wood sounds extremely painful, and to think that lady wanted it back so much kind of suggests the horrid living conditions of secondaries in this small village.
Abigail was kind of flat considering she didn’t really branch out too far from the “simple village girl” archetype, but she served her purposes to the story. Doubt she’ll be too much more important down the line anyways, so this is good enough. It’s kind of interesting to see Magus juggle between his pride and his honor, as he has to treat this lowly peasant with some amount of respect considering she was integral to his survival.
Anyways, good work! Keep at it!
A New Realm
The prose is a bit expositiony. That can’t be avoided for most of it, but it’s something to pay attention to. Like the part where he’s trying to conceal his desire to eat the man’s soul; would have been stronger if we just got a description of his deceiving smile that insinuates that horrible things are coming for the knight. Allowing us to piece together what’s going instead of being explained out right makes the reader more engrossed in the story. Show, don’t tell kind of deal.
Love that Omni takes you while transversing a portal. I’m quite a fan of travelling to the Omniverse that way (hence why I did that myself.)
The knight, like Abigail from Revelations is kind of generic, but he serves the plot well. I’m guessing he becomes your first victim. Yum!
Also, the fact that he completely missed the Omni explanation due to unconsciousness was kind of hilarious. Did Omni explain everything to a knocked out person? I’ve always thought the opening spiel was just his answering machine but this is ridiculous!
But anyways, still a nice read.
Return to Coruscant
Samus x Vitruvius OTP
First of all, fantastic description of Coruscant’s many tiers on Samus’ part. I’ll be sure to refer to this if Guu ever goes there one day. Certainly have story ideas for that place…
Also, the way you roleplay your upgrades are a really good demonstration of alternative ways of playing out such things. I could point this topic to a newbie.
Gotta be honest, Vit’s first posts were a bit wordy at times; probably more a problem with me than the writing. However things really picked up when Samus and Vit finally met up.
I love the rising tension as they got closer and closer to Vit’s doom. I love Vit’s thoughts about Samus, reading all her actions as that of a fellow machine (He’s in for a shock!) I loved Samus’ confliction with betraying the empire. You two have joined together to make one hell of a thrilling story!
Only real problems I could think of is when Vit created that lightning shield move, that felt like it came in the middle of a conversation and it’s kind of hard to place chronologically. Also, is the hunter that attacked Samus going to follow them to the Vasty? Not sure if that was a storyline put on hold due to change of status quo or if that’s going to be a reoccurring thing.
Well, other than that, fantastic! Amazing! Look forward to how you end this!
Revelations
Despite not fully knowing the backstory behind certain things, it was still an entertaining read. I liked Magus’ interactions with omnilirium, him summoning his clothing, him summoning a Pegasus to ride. Magus’ internal thought processes were fun, like his reaction to Abigail watching you change was funny, and him wondering if a mount is still around when you aren’t was great.
I liked the atmospheric descriptions of the hovel. A bed of wood sounds extremely painful, and to think that lady wanted it back so much kind of suggests the horrid living conditions of secondaries in this small village.
Abigail was kind of flat considering she didn’t really branch out too far from the “simple village girl” archetype, but she served her purposes to the story. Doubt she’ll be too much more important down the line anyways, so this is good enough. It’s kind of interesting to see Magus juggle between his pride and his honor, as he has to treat this lowly peasant with some amount of respect considering she was integral to his survival.
Anyways, good work! Keep at it!
A New Realm
The prose is a bit expositiony. That can’t be avoided for most of it, but it’s something to pay attention to. Like the part where he’s trying to conceal his desire to eat the man’s soul; would have been stronger if we just got a description of his deceiving smile that insinuates that horrible things are coming for the knight. Allowing us to piece together what’s going instead of being explained out right makes the reader more engrossed in the story. Show, don’t tell kind of deal.
Love that Omni takes you while transversing a portal. I’m quite a fan of travelling to the Omniverse that way (hence why I did that myself.)
The knight, like Abigail from Revelations is kind of generic, but he serves the plot well. I’m guessing he becomes your first victim. Yum!
Also, the fact that he completely missed the Omni explanation due to unconsciousness was kind of hilarious. Did Omni explain everything to a knocked out person? I’ve always thought the opening spiel was just his answering machine but this is ridiculous!
But anyways, still a nice read.
Return to Coruscant
Samus x Vitruvius OTP
First of all, fantastic description of Coruscant’s many tiers on Samus’ part. I’ll be sure to refer to this if Guu ever goes there one day. Certainly have story ideas for that place…
Also, the way you roleplay your upgrades are a really good demonstration of alternative ways of playing out such things. I could point this topic to a newbie.
Gotta be honest, Vit’s first posts were a bit wordy at times; probably more a problem with me than the writing. However things really picked up when Samus and Vit finally met up.
I love the rising tension as they got closer and closer to Vit’s doom. I love Vit’s thoughts about Samus, reading all her actions as that of a fellow machine (He’s in for a shock!) I loved Samus’ confliction with betraying the empire. You two have joined together to make one hell of a thrilling story!
Only real problems I could think of is when Vit created that lightning shield move, that felt like it came in the middle of a conversation and it’s kind of hard to place chronologically. Also, is the hunter that attacked Samus going to follow them to the Vasty? Not sure if that was a storyline put on hold due to change of status quo or if that’s going to be a reoccurring thing.
Well, other than that, fantastic! Amazing! Look forward to how you end this!
![[Image: MUsY55C.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/MUsY55C.jpg)
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