02-16-2017, 03:02 AM
Quote:Channel 3,896,776 The Trading Card Game Channel - Commercial break. Voiceover in BOLD.
A man with a backpack stands under a street-lamp in front of a cinderblock wall on Tier 4 of Coruscant - you can tell, because there's a great, big, red neon sign flashing behind him that says "TIER 4" in block letters. He's dressed in a shabby t-shirt and ill-fitting slacks. His shoulders are hunched, his shoes are untied, his greasy, black hair is a mess, and his glasses are taped in the middle.
The man looks left, clearly nervous. Then he looks right. Apparently satisfied, he reaches into his backpack and pulls out a book.
Suddenly, the wall explodes! An eight-foot tall, shaven-headed man-beast with bright red skin, tiny cut-off shorts, dozens of obscene tattoos, and pectorals the size of small children erupts onto the scene, screaming.
'NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRD!' The new arrival grabs the guy with the glasses by the head - which easily fits in the palm of one enormous meaty hand - and slams him face-first into the sidewalk!
The frame freezes with the nervous reader's face pressed against the pavement, glasses breaking, one cheek flattened and eyes crossed in an expression of horrified surprise, caught in the moment before, presumably, his head explodes.
DOES THIS HAPPEN TO YOU?
The frame cuts to a rapid-fire montage of the enormous red antagonist face-ramming, choke-slamming, drop-kicking, or otherwise pulverizing a variety of surprised intellectuals in a shocking array of locations, from libraries to sailboats to fully furnished living-rooms. He explodes from the nearest horizontal surface, bellowing the accusation, and then sets about his violent tasks with gusto.
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A group of skinny people in tracksuits are running in a sunny, forested area. They look nervous.
THE OMNITONE WORKOUT PROGRAM PROVIDES THE TECHNIQUES AND MOTIVATION YOU NEED TO GET SERIOUSLY RIPPED!
The camera pans out. We can now see that they are being chased by that same enormous guy. His cardio evidently isn't very good, because he doesn't seem to be enjoying it much more than they are. The words "Seriously Ripped!" flash repeatedly on the screen in big red letters.
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A beatiful blond woman in a green bikini lounges with a beach in the background, sipping a drink from a coconut. Suddenly, she dips out of the frame. Just as abruptly, she returns. The camera pans out to reveal that she, and the chair she's lounging on, are being supported on the shoulders of a skinny - although far more muscular than the ones who were running earlier - man who is in the process of doing many, many squats. The red guy looks on, his expression vaguely approving.
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The red guy stands in front of a wall of rapidly scrolling text, which explains the many things that, by viewing this ad, you've agreed that the Omnitone Workout program can't be held legally responsible for. They include 'the Wrath of the Emperor', 'Guu', 'Carnivorous plants', 'eaten by velociraptors', and 'Steam-Locomotive-Related Injuries'.
"I'm Max Omnitone," he says. "And I approve this message.You NEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRDS!"