Invasion of the Vorticons

[Lord Zedd]

Knox tightened his grip on the steering wheel. Beads of sweat rolled down his temples. He could feel his heart beating faster than normal. He was in a delicate situation. One of the most important achievements in the Empire’s short history was within reach. All he had to do was keep his cool. The Jeep he was driving continued to cruise down the empty streets of Tier 6. Behind them, Cade drove the vehicle containing Graowr, Grace, and Laci. Their friends, as close as they were, couldn’t help with this one, though.

He glanced over to Zedd, in the passenger seat. The warlord was staring straight ahead at the road before them. Another quick look in the rear-view mirror showed him Elliot Hunt, alone in the backseat with the two Stormtrooper helmets on the empty seat beside him. This had just happened. There was no planning or prearrangement. They both had simply seized an opportunity that had arisen, and silently fell into skilled coordination. He could see the sweat on Hunt’s brow, too. He understood the stakes, and how much they had to gain. If they could pull this off, it would be a legendary feat within the Empire.

“…I’m just saying that ‘What?’ isn’t the best way to answer the phone,” Elliot Hunt continued to explain to the fallen warlord. He momentarily looked to the rearview mirror, and exchanged brief eye contact with Knox. They were in this one as deep as they could get.

“The message gets across,” Lord Zedd countered in pained frustration, tired of being nagged by these two. “They are aware that they are communicating with me.”

“They’re not aware, though. Not fully,” Knox said, keeping his eyes on the road and using all his willpower not to look back at Hunt. “Technology is fickle, and confusing. Dropped calls, messed up communications, it’s all common. And normal words can sound different even with clear connections. It’s how things like ‘no’ and ‘go’ get confused with one another over com-lines.”

“It’s not my fault your technology is so hilariously inept,” Lord Zedd retorted with a distinct scoff, as he imagined just another minor change he could make to this realm once he had gained ultimate power.

“Sure, but you have to adapt,” Hunt remarked, taking his turn to talk. He and Knox had instinctively worked out a good system where neither of them talked to much at once. It prevented either from totally losing it. “You need to answer with a distinct phrase that you don’t use at any other point. That way people know that secure communication has been definitively established.”

“Then I will answer with ‘You are speaking with Lord Zedd, the almighty and future ruler of this pitiful land of weak mortals,’” Lord Zedd suggested, almost casually. Knox and Elliot almost lost it right there, but they kept straight faces and persevered.

“That’s good, but a little long,” Knox said, barely containing the laughter that threatened to erupt.

“Also, you would normally say that,” Elliot chipped in. His demeanor remained serious as well, as a result of all of his self-control in action. He didn’t know Zedd as well as the other Stormtroopers, but he’d figured enough out about him during the short elevator and vehicle rides.

“A good point,” Lord Zedd mused aloud, finally taking this conversation to heart. “What would you suggest then?”

Knox paused for just a moment, to make it seem like he was taking this very seriously. “Like we said, it needs to be totally unique. The best code phrases are odd combinations of words that can’t be accidentally uttered. It’s deliberate. If you’re saying this, it can only mean one thing, and in this case it’s that a phone call has connected.”

“I have given you my best idea,” Lord Zedd’s voice was deriding, though he kept his eyes anywhere but the Stormtroopers as he remained alert for the blue aliens, but also engaged in this conversation. “What would you suggest, then, as a code phrase upon answering these primitive means of communication?”

“Banana phone,” Elliot answered. He barely got the words out of his mouth.

Knox tightened his grip on the steering wheel in one hand, and balled a fist with his other. He flinched ever so slightly as he struggled to maintain his composure. Elliot had not just gone there. He was beginning to question his ability to pull this off. He looked to his left so he wouldn’t have to risk eye contact with his fellow secondary. A fleeting second of it would send them both into fits of laughter and blow this whole thing.

“What?” Lord Zedd responded abruptly, unintentionally taking this conversation full circle.

“It’s like we said,” Knox quickly said, giving Elliot his own moment to collect himself. “You would never say that phrase under any circumstance. That makes it effective for communicating one single thing.”

“In this case, that the phone call has reached you, specifically,” Elliot chimed in.

Lord Zedd pondered their point in silence. Surely, it was a two-fold accomplishment. The Empire’s frugal and disappointing technology was sure to be easily compromised, and as he rose to power everyone would want to siphon off some of his success. A code phrase was a tactical way to keep communications with those he needed secure. It pained him to admit it, but these two secondaries had a good point.

“Very well,” Lord Zedd finally responded after his contemplation. “You make strong arguments. You have value hidden in your pitiful work ethic, clearly. It is for this reason I continue to tolerate you all.”

Knox nodded as they pulled up to the Community Center, just in time. He wasn’t sure he could handle another second of this car ride. Elliot appeared much the same. There was a large, heavily armored Space Marine standing nearby, and his shielded head turned to the two vehicles upon arrival. Clearly, he was expecting them.

Zedd, Knox, and Hunt exited the jeep. Zedd abruptly made his way towards the large individual in the ornate armor, followed at a distance by Groawr and Grace, the latter who carried her helmet with her in her hands. Knox and Hunt were quick to retreat to a safe distance, and were quickly joined by the also helmetless Cade and Laci, who sensed something was amiss.

“What’s wrong with you two?” Laci hissed at them, trying to keep her voice to a reasonable level.

With flawless timing, the phone strapped to Zedd’s hip began to ring. Knox and Hunt both began to uncontrollably chuckle at the mere sound of his ring tone.

“The hell?” Cade asked as he looked at the two of them.

“Wait for it, wait for it!” Knox quickly said, giddy with excitement as he firmly grasped Hunt by the shoulder. Oh, God, it was about to happen.

Zedd snatched the phone and looked in distaste at Desh’s name on the screen while he approached the Space Marine. Still, he pressed the button to accept the call and raised it to where his ear presumably was. Knox and Hunt held their breath.

“Banana phone.”

And they lost it. Knox and Hunt exploded into a fit of well-deserved laughter. Cade’s jaw dropped for only a moment before he couldn’t contain his laughter. Laci looked at the two in awe before she also succumbed to a fit of giggling. They couldn't believe the two had somehow done that. Poor Grace, walking just to the left of the two primes, sounded like she was hyperventilating as she struggled to contain herself, which wasn’t helped by hearing Desh trail off in the middle of his first word. Even Graowr looked to Zedd in total confusion.

“We are here,” Zedd snapped to the Stormtrooper captain, oblivious to the shenanigans he was inadvertently a part of. “What could you possibly need, already?”

“Just checking in,” Desh remarked through the phone, silently impressed more than anything else. He knew the reputation all five of these Stormtroopers had, so it wasn’t hard to put it together. "The lower tiers are dangerous."

“We are working. Stop bothering us,” Lord Zedd snapped as he hung up the phone.

Laci was the first of the distant group of four to stop laughing. She looked to Knox and Hunt and took the tone of a scolding hiss once more, though it wasn't very convincing. “You two are going to get us in so much trouble!”

Cade disregarded that advice, as he couldn’t resist getting involved at this point. “That’s appealing, Grace!”

The red-haired woman walking with the primes silently put on her helmet that she was thankfully carrying, to properly hide her facial expression. Her chest heaved as she struggled to contain her own mirth.

“A-PEEL-ING!” Knox shouted over to her, showing no mercy.

Grace’s middle finger extending in their direction caused all four of them to give way to another fit of laughter. Graowr wondered what the four of them were so amused by, but Zedd didn’t care. As they finally stopped by the large Space Marine, the dark lord directed his full attention to the secondaries he despised so greatly.

“Be irrelevant elsewhere, vermin!” Zedd shouted to them, and the four quickly departed. He looked to the secondary that had stuck with them, oddly standing at attention with her helmet on. It didn’t impress him. “You as well!”

Grace scurried away all too quickly, leaving Zedd and Graowr alone with the large, armored individual. Zedd paid them no mind, though Graowr watched them leave while wondering what exactly had just happened.

“We seek a Private Hibernius,” Lord Zedd demanded of the armored individual. “Tell us where he is so that we might begin to solve your pitiful alien invasion problem.”

“I am Private Hibernius,” the armored man answered. “You are the primes the Stormtroopers sent to assist me?”

Lord Zedd paused. He looked the man up and down, taking note of his his ornate and sturdy armor. At the same time, he seemed to be quite well armed. The question that begged to be asked was how was this thoroughly equipped monstrosity a mere Private?

“I am going to need to know the exact depths of your incompetence, Private, “Lord Zedd snarled, seeing no other reason that the man would hold that rank.

Hibernius clenched his fists as he looked down at Zedd. “We Space Marines have our own rank structure, independent from the Stormtroopers and their Omnilium wielding lackeys like yourselves. We do not need to be burdened by weak secondaries and primes.”

“And yet, here are the primes, responding to your pleas for help,” Zedd quickly countered, with just the right amount of arrogance in his tone.

Hibernius dismissed that statement. Following it would only take them down a bad path. “You are all that’s been sent to me?”

“Yep!” Graowr cheerfully said as she pointed from herself to Zedd. “I’m the sugar, he’s the spice!” She then gestured behind her, where the Stormtroopers had put some distance between the groups. “And they’re everything nice!”

Hibernius stared hard at the blue one, now. He wasn’t sure which prime he liked less, but he couldn’t be selective with his help, at this point. The truth was he needed someone, anyone, to assist with the menace the Community Center faced. If these fools managed to hurt or even kill themselves in the process, that would be fine, too.

“Come inside, then,” Hibernius ordered as he made a step towards the door. “I’ll explain everything about the Vorticons where it’s safer. Tier Six is not to be taken lightly, and they have made this place even more dangerous.”

“Don’t worry, Hibby! We got your six!” Graowr said with a wink. She was so excited to get to use the cool military lingo that Cade and Grace had taught her on the way over.

Hibernius hesitated before deciding to let that go, too.

“Minions!” Lord Zedd shouted to the five Stormtroopers lollygagging in the distance. “Get inside with us, now!”

The five secondaries, still struggling to contain their hysterics, quickly grabbed their weapons and helmets and made their way to the door. Hibernius walked inside, followed by the skipping Time Patroller. Zedd thought longingly of his now lost ability to obliterate planets with a single wave of his staff, and instead wandered into the Community Center, flanked on all sides by the five would-be jesters.