09-15-2016, 08:07 PM
Variant B, 'The Towers that Eclipse Darkshire' post by Nealaphh:
I really liked how you drove home the fact that Nealapph has a deep disdain for mortals as a whole, who he views as having both imperfect bodies and selfish, short-sighted thought processes, without overstating the point until it just becomes stale and repetitive.
And while the phrase "Nealaphh telekinetically puppeted its body upwards" did sound a bit awkward to me, I think it plainly showed that the God-Mind had no attachment to the physical body he was inhabiting, only viewing it as a tool, disposable and replaceable; he disassociates his body with his self, unlike any normal being.
The body of the post flows really well, with the scene and it's location described just vividly enough for the reader's mind to assemble into a clear image. While I believe the more complex word choices are meant to showcase Nealaphh's intellect and knowledge, any writer's momentum is going to be brought to a halt if their readers are going to have to look up a key word they have never seen before.
Those're my only gripes in your otherwise very professional looking writing, and beyond them it really shows how much you care about your storytelling.
Also I'm not sure if these are even worth mentioning, since it's plainly evident even from just that thread that Phh is a very careful writer, but I did find a single minor typo, Tom'd instead of Tom's, and the sudden change in text size was really jarring to me. I was unsure at first whether it was meant to impart emphases maybe, but if so, I missed it entirely.
I really liked how you drove home the fact that Nealapph has a deep disdain for mortals as a whole, who he views as having both imperfect bodies and selfish, short-sighted thought processes, without overstating the point until it just becomes stale and repetitive.
And while the phrase "Nealaphh telekinetically puppeted its body upwards" did sound a bit awkward to me, I think it plainly showed that the God-Mind had no attachment to the physical body he was inhabiting, only viewing it as a tool, disposable and replaceable; he disassociates his body with his self, unlike any normal being.
The body of the post flows really well, with the scene and it's location described just vividly enough for the reader's mind to assemble into a clear image. While I believe the more complex word choices are meant to showcase Nealaphh's intellect and knowledge, any writer's momentum is going to be brought to a halt if their readers are going to have to look up a key word they have never seen before.
Those're my only gripes in your otherwise very professional looking writing, and beyond them it really shows how much you care about your storytelling.
Also I'm not sure if these are even worth mentioning, since it's plainly evident even from just that thread that Phh is a very careful writer, but I did find a single minor typo, Tom'd instead of Tom's, and the sudden change in text size was really jarring to me. I was unsure at first whether it was meant to impart emphases maybe, but if so, I missed it entirely.