Law and Disorder - Judy Hopps vs. Chara (OOC)

[Sans]

Annnnnnd now for Judy!

[spoiler]
Like with Chara, I'm gonna cover what I thought could use work and what I thought was good step by step. As for writing quality, it could still use some work, but you are getting there! Just some general improvements is needed, really.

Let's start with grammar. There wasn't anything in your posts that was completely and utterly atrocious in terms of grammar, so I am happy to tell you the posts were more or less readable. However, there were some odd sentences here and there that feel very good once I read them aloud. For example:

Judy was dodging swipe after swipe from Chara, and Chara glitching herself out of the way from every punch or kick Judy tried.

I get what you're trying to say, but this doesn't quite sound too good when I read it aloud. I feel like stuff like this could have been revised into something more like:

Judy dodged swipe after swipe from Chara, with Chara glitching herself out of the way of every punch or kick Judy made.

Not perfect, but it reads a lot better in my eyes. Don't be afraid to decrease the amount of words by saying stuff like "dodged" or "sliced," instead of "was dodging" or "was slicing." It reads a whole lot better and makes the overall flow work a whole lot better.

One way you can fix this is actually really simple: do what I did and read every post you make to yourself. Trust me. You WILL know whether something sounds odd if you read it to yourself, as well as know what you will have to change. It's one of the best fixes of silly grammar mistakes and is almost infallible.

Next is description. Nothing bad, but nothing spectacular either. However, as I might have said in Chara's review, you and him/her share the common problem of repetition. I noticed a whole lot of the word "slice," for instance, in the first post. Again, like with Chara, I suggest the usage of a thesauri and dictionary to use when you notice you use a lot of the same words.

There's another common problem that you and him/her share: the "Show, Don't Tell" technique. If you don't know what it is, it's basically that: Showing how a character feels/looks/acts instead of telling us it. It's generally accepted that, in most cases, you should show, rather than tell, the reader what is happening. It's mostly because it plays to the reader's intelligence, so spoon-feeding them information by telling us the information is kinda insulting to their intelligence (note: I'm not sure if this is the actual reason. I could be making this shit up as I go along for all we know.)

Anywho, you did have a lot of cases of "telling" in your posts. Now, I do not blame either of you for doing it; it is not an easy thing to balance out. However, a lot of what was told could be very easily inferred by the reader. For instance:

Chara had lost her balance, and had stumbled a bit.

I don't need you to tell me Chara lost her balance when you said she stumbled a bit. And another:

The girl, on the other hand, laughed with some kind of sick pleasure.

I can infer, just based on what I've already read of Chara in this same thread, that she would laugh because she's enjoying the fight.

There's other examples of this, but these stood out to me the most. Now, one way to fix this is to read over your posts and see how many cases of "telling" you can find in there. If you find anything that can be "shown," (e.g how a character feels, how a character looks, etc.) then try and show it! For example, instead of telling us that "X is angry," try and SHOW us he's angry through anything that you want! (If you're a fan of metaphors/similes, this would be a great time to use them.) Don't be mad at yourself if you don't get it right the first few times; I didn't either xD.

One last really major thing about your descriptions was that, like Chara's, it was too BRIEF. I never really got a sense as to what the area looked, what the characters looked like, what ANYTHING looked like. The descriptions lacked vividness, and it felt like it was taking place in its own contained "box," if that makes any sense. This was why I commended Chara for introducing environmental descriptions in her third post; I finally got to know how the area looked! Now, this is easily solvable. Firstly, try and take a moment at some point during your posts to write out what everything looks like, smells like, tastes like, feels like, etc, particularly surroundings and character appearance. Doing this can connect people to the writing and draw them in, keeping them engaged throughout the whole thing.

Also, remember, it's ALWAYS less about the fight itself, and more about the PEOPLE fighting.

There are some other nitpicky stuff, like the copient amount of adverbs and the incorrect usage of some words (a scar is a healed wound, not a wound you receive xD,) but nothing that can't be easily fixed.

However, I will say that your saving grace throughout the whole posts was characterization. It was solid, for the most part, and in some cases, I think I got a better sense of Chara's character through your posts than Chara's. This is thanks to some good dialogue bits throughout, as well as some moments in between the fighting where I got an insight into Judy's character. This is what I figured out:

Judy: Former cop, Current Avenger, hates killing, peace-lover.

I'd say that's about right. And with that, I think the absolute best part of your writing was this:

"You're... a kid. A really messed up kid, but you get my point. Obviously something happened that really screwed you up. You don't have to be like this. I can help! I... want to help." She held out her paw, trying to ignore the burning pain in her chest. Broken ribs. "I swear, I'll do everything in my power to save you from-" A wet cough of blood cut her off for a moment. But she continued. "You can't keep hurting people like this. It's despicable! How do you even sleep at night?!" She was yelling now, tears threatening to leak from her eyes. Whether this was from the pain she was going through, or the emotional pain that she was feeling from Chara's murderous ways, she wasn't even sure.

I'll admit, I'm a freak for emotional moments. I love them. I see stuff like this as testaments to how good someone's characterization is, so excellent job here!

However, there is also the general story that we must talk about it. And I hate to say it, but it might be the worst part of the writing for a few reason. Again, premise was good, but there was some parts throughout the whole piece that didn't sit well for me at all. Two things destroyed it for me: Lack of attention to detail and Tension. Let's start with tension.

Like with Chara, I feel as if both parties got hurt WAY too fast and got WAY too severely injured early on. It killed the tension for me personally because, as I said in Chara's posts, my willing suspension of disbelief was being stretched due to me constantly asking "How are these two still alive and fighting?" I will not lie. Most of the injures Judy and Chara got by the end of the first round were stuff that I would see more of by the third round. ESPECIALLY the headshot, which ties into the lack of attention to detail. I nitpicked a little bit on Chara for not quite following what each Roster says, but you doing the same thing was a problem I had to point out. For instance:

Evil or not, she had just shot a little girl in the head.

First of all, if this was a real fight, and someone looked at Chara's roster, this would be a red flag. Because Chara DOES NOT have Survival, which is about the only move I can think of as to how Chara could survive getting shot in the head. The fight should have ended there, but it didn't. There were also some other non-move related stuff, like this:

Her sentiments were interrupted by Chara standing and smirking, taking her hand off her throat.

"Well... either way, there's no saving me now. But I can destroy you, coward,"

I'm pretty certain that would be more like:

Her sentiments were interrupted by Chara standing and smirking, taking her hand off her throat.

"*gurglegurglegurglegurglegurglegurgle*- rd"

Now, again, this is solvable. Just make sure you have the Roster's up so that you don't end up doing something you very clearly can't, because this hurt your posts in my eyes.

Overall, it wasn't bad, but it could still use some work.[/spoiler]


ANNNNNNNND WITHOUT FURTHER BULLSHIT, HERE IS OUR WINNER!

[spoiler][/spoiler]

CONGRATULATIONS!

You can kill or spare Chara.