08-26-2016, 03:56 AM
I personally like Variant A, but I've chosen Nealaphh's post in the B section.
The writing is well done. It conveys clearly and initially through action what the god-mind is feeling, and we soon learn he doesn't like feeling at all. Descriptions are vivid and word choice brings the events solidly to life, such as 'as the liquified remains of the man's head dribbled down the sides of the slab table.' I've read other parts of Nealaphh's work before and they all carry the same quality and obvious effort put into the storytelling. It's always enjoyable to read and this is no different.
However, it feels like there are too many times that bigger and fancier words are used to impress, when they just left me confused. Words like 'amygdalectomy' and 'chiaroscuro' break the flow of otherwise smooth writing. Some phrases could also be toned down a bit, like 'Nealaphh telekinetically puppeted its body upwards,' which comes off awkward. There's no reason why Nealaphh couldn't have floated or hovered off the ground; I appreciate the intention, but in cases like that, simpler is better.
Overall, I enjoyed the post. The concept of a god experiencing mortal quirks in all its confusion is an interesting thread to chase, and I will be looking out for more in the future, but hopefully some of the wordier and unnecessarily complicated aspects of the prose can be worked on.
The writing is well done. It conveys clearly and initially through action what the god-mind is feeling, and we soon learn he doesn't like feeling at all. Descriptions are vivid and word choice brings the events solidly to life, such as 'as the liquified remains of the man's head dribbled down the sides of the slab table.' I've read other parts of Nealaphh's work before and they all carry the same quality and obvious effort put into the storytelling. It's always enjoyable to read and this is no different.
However, it feels like there are too many times that bigger and fancier words are used to impress, when they just left me confused. Words like 'amygdalectomy' and 'chiaroscuro' break the flow of otherwise smooth writing. Some phrases could also be toned down a bit, like 'Nealaphh telekinetically puppeted its body upwards,' which comes off awkward. There's no reason why Nealaphh couldn't have floated or hovered off the ground; I appreciate the intention, but in cases like that, simpler is better.
Overall, I enjoyed the post. The concept of a god experiencing mortal quirks in all its confusion is an interesting thread to chase, and I will be looking out for more in the future, but hopefully some of the wordier and unnecessarily complicated aspects of the prose can be worked on.
![[Image: illidansig2.jpg]](http://www.cytokineindustries.com/chevereto/images/2017/07/07/illidansig2.jpg)