Reb's Free C&C

[Blink]

This roleplay is called the Searing Sword. It's the first one outside of the Nexus that Warren did.

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=5399

This is for the last roleplay.


-WEIRD STRUCTURE. Some paragraphs you split up by double-spacing your breaks, and some you didn't split them up at all. Make sure you hit preview before you post and fix stuff like that. It looks clunky to the reader. Also, hard to read for the 'no breaks.' No problem if you MEANT to use no breaks or double breaks, but try to keep it consistant through the whole roleplay.

On the same note, you double-space after each period. That's not a problem (because it's consistant). But you also double-space after a comma. Don't do that.

-CONTENT. The whole thing was kind of boring. No offense intended. He just cleaned some cars, then had a LOT of internal dialogue. I don't know where the plot is. Plus, it being the last post in that thread, I expected a bit more wrap-up. Maybe if you had a stormtrooper come over and taunt him and/or lecture him? That would have fit some plot in.

-STRETCHING YOUR WORD COUNT. You clearly are going for word count here. It's obvious based on how often you repeat or re-word sentences in order to make it seem longer. I get it, you like OM, but it doesn't read well when you do that. You could have said a lot more with a lot less.



+NARRATOR. I like your use of narrating to get into Warren's head and describe what he's feeling. Not just that, but you set the scene well for the reader, by explaining anything that they might not be caught up. The narrator is an excellent recap tool.



Grade: *1/2 stars.


Disclaimer: This is all my opinion as a reader.