Reb's Free C&C

[Blink]

http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?...9#pid62009

-DIALOGUE. You didn't have a lot of it so I can't speak too much on the topic, but I wish you would up the sentences a bit more. The first paragraph of dialogue had like four or five sentences straight without a break. Try to fit some action in there...either Trixie reacting or some thoughts about what is being said. Just something to break it up.

-OVER-DETAILED? Sure, the shower scene was sexy (and super well written), but it did feel kind of unnessecary to the plot. You spent like 1k words on the bath/shower alone and eventually I was kind of like...okay, ready to move on now. Maybe if you had fit some plot in there, you might have gotten away with it. 

-ALL ACTIONS. You spent a lot of effort on actions, but I would have liked to get into Trixie's head a little bit and find what she's thinking. The difference between a movie and a book is that you can only SEE things in a movie, but in a book you can KNOW things. I felt like I was reading a movie scene. What did Trixie think about her situation? How did she react internally when Sia was kissed her (not just the physical stirring).

-PLOT. I didn't get enough plot. The whole roleplay, while VERY well-written, can be summed up by saying 'Trixie takes a bath before her big day.'



+OPENING. I like how the reader and Trixie are both brought into this scene at the same time. It evens the playing field and lets both of them learn things at the same time.

+DETAILS. I haven't read your stuff since way back in the days of Chubbs (so it's been easily...5+ years). You've really grown as a writer. Not just grown, but...matured. I don't know if you kept a thesaurus opened like I did, but you barely repeated any adjectives and you really painted a scene for the reader.

+CONTENT. I feel like you handled the [M] tag like a professional. I didn't feel at any point uncomfortable or that I was reading a pornographic story. It was classy. Pinky up!


Grade: *** and 3/4 stars.


Disclaimer: This is all my opinion as a reader.